Note: You will note, upon reading, that the story is not quite in a ‘novel’ format but more of a play really. The idea is that with so many authors and many different ideas running through our minds, it was just not possible to write it completely in a novel form. Actually we were just too lazy and wanted to get our ideas out<G>. I have edited it somewhat to make it easier to read and, believe it or not, coherent. Take all out of place instances as part of the story. The author of each part appears within brackets at the end of his segment.
Disclaimer: Please note that not a single author of this collaboration claims originality, intuition or personal hygiene on many of the ideas written within this story. No money has been made and it was all in good fun. None of us take any comments within this story seriously.
THE CONTINUING STORY
Written by: Blade, Dragon, Tito, Trauma, and Vindicator
Edited by: Dragon
Meanwhile the whole planet reappeared in another storyline, which had nothing to do with cows or Taco Bell.
It went something like this…
Rocky and Bullwinkle were walking along the beach one fine summer’s day, when suddenly they realized that they were not part of this story and were instantly vaporized.
Trauma (Dumb Slav that he is) was walking along the beach one day… He was following what seemed to be a pair of moose hoofprints in the sand. He could not understand where they came from, but he had even greater difficulty explaining their abrupt disappearance from the sand.
He decided that it was not worth further consideration so instead he pulled his trusty AK-47 Assault Rifle (which he’d acquired from the Croatian Liberation Front) from the confines of the Gucci trenchcoat he’d been wearing and fired indiscriminately at the various sunbathers enjoying the golden rays.
He did this for several minutes, but his concentration was suddenly interrupted by…
[writer - Vindicator]
A passing Corvette Convertible! It had that ‘70s look to it, but it was obviously a machine of the future, because it hovered above the water, gliding along at a steady 70 clicks, until the driver suddenly seemed to notice Trauma walking along the beach and slowed down to get a better look. Trauma did not recognize anyone in the car at all, but he would have liked to know the driver, a hot Swedish-looking blonde in a tank top. He waved to her, but just as he did so…
[writer - THE PIPER—TBOFRN]
The car was vaporized or beamed up (It was impossible to tell) by a passing Vogon vessel. This caused a tidal wave witch wiped out the beach. Finally the torrent was finished and Trauma found himself in a thick African jungle. A startled cheetah was getting ready to pounce on him just as…
[writer - TPT> The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!]
(Ed.: The Pix Trixer)
… A couple feet away the sounds of hacking machetes distracted the Cheetah for a few minutes. Giving Trauma enough time to pull out his Spider-Man Pez dispenser and with lightning speed flicked the neck open, peppering the cat with cherry Pez. The giant cat reeled and fell backwards in a bloody heap. Turning his attention to the noise of the machetes he waited as…
[writer - TRAUMA - Groovy.]
…. 600 Americans came out of the underbrush and tried to sell him a Ginsu knife (order now and get the Pocket Fisherman as your free gift!)
Trauma smiled and blinded them with the glare from his teeth (Crest). Then he used the ancient art of Louisville-Kwon-Do to dispatch them with much haste. 30 seconds later all the salesmen were dispatched.
He continued to blaze a trail through the thick jungle… He walked for three hours when he stumbled upon the lost temple of The Vindicator! Yes, this was sacred ground!
Trauma fell to his knees in awe and humility (plus his feet hurt). While he was down there, he found a large diamond, which looked as if it might fit in the hole strategically placed in front of the altar!
[writer - Vindicator- like you weren’t expecting this!]
… Just as he was about to place the diamond in the slot, he stopped himself and thought of a better way. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a ball of lint, around which was tangled several inches of thread (convenient eh?). He tied the thread around the diamond and put it into the slot. This trick never worked with gumball machines and telephones… but this isn’t a gum machine or a telephone is it??
The earth trembled and the altar shifted. Grating rock echoed throughout the temple. Trauma thought it was time to go so he pulled at the diamond. The thread broke. Damn! From under the altar bright lights flared and smoke poured forth. A form rose from the bowels of this sacred ground. “You?” Trauma said in disgust and disappointment. Looking down from the altar, The Vindicator rubbed his eyes and sneered. Why can’t I ever get some one like Cindy Crawford to find the damn diamond. Thought Vindicator. After a feeble attempt at trying to pry the diamond from its slot with his Swiss army knife, Trauma gave up. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back.”
As they walked back to the convertible Trauma offered Vindicator a Pez.
She walked up to the car, no one was around… but all kinds of gear was stashed in the back. And the keys were in the ignition. It was the nicest convertible she had ever seen. In a blazing cloud of dust she drove off, heading south for the border…
[writer - TRAUMA - NEXT: The Quest for the Woman with the Rose Tattoo.]
It was at this point that for no apparent reason (other than the fact that he has all those tax evasion charges to contend with) Willie Nelson stepped from the shadows of the bushes and began to play his guitar… Well, not being a big fan of country music The Vindicator stepped forth, grabbed the guitar and clobbered Mr. Nelson with it.
…and they walked on. Eventually, they came to the decaying remains of an old footbridge that was just hanging between the two edges of a large ravine much the way that bricks don’t. Being the smarter of the two, The Vindicator offered Trauma the honour of crossing first…
[writer - The Vindicator]
…knowing full well Vindicator intentions, Trauma played along. He was about to put one foot on the bridge and then with lightning speed spin around and taunt Vindicator about catching on to his scheme. Suddenly Trauma felt Vindicator shove him from behind and heard him yell out, “Oops… watch out Trauma!” As Trauma collided with the ancient stone bridge (head first) he keep falling straight through, the entire structure crumbled around him and plummeted to the bottom of the chasm.
Looking down at the Coyote type dust ring, Vindicator shrugged, “Well… at least it wasn’t me.” But then he heard a faint voice rising from the chasm. Vindicator called out, “Hey Trauma. You okay?” A few moments passed and then he heard the reply, “Yeah… I’m okay. I’ve had worse.”…
[writer - TRAUMA - Groovy.]
Out of the ground, beside Trauma, popped a rabbit head. “Pardon me Mack, could you direct me to Transylvania?” Trauma quickly whipped out his Pez Dispenser (quite a handy things this is!) and pinged the rabbit off the head with a carrot flavoured Pez. “Damn animals” and before the rabbit could recover, Trauma snapped it’s neck, skinned it, and started a fire to roast it.
“Hey Vind! Get on down here…..we’re having roast rabbit!”
But…just as The Vindicator started climbing down, a hand grabbed his wrist…it was…
[writer - DRAGON!!! -- TBOFRN]
Bunnicula’s father!!!!! The gigantic bunny had 3ft long fangs dripping carrot juice. He threw him down the chasm and jumped on them both. After Bunnicula soon left Trauma and Vindicator dug themselves out of the bunny’s footprint and walked on. Eventually they came to the end of the earth (It’s really flat!) and stopped. A DRAGON was staring up at them. It said……….
…”Get the hell off my back!”
This was obviously a surprise to our two heroes’! Neither one of them was in the mood to tangle with a dragon, so they backed off a little, but Trauma kept his Pez dispenser aimed at the dragon, just in case!
The two *Froods walked on… After a time, they came across a pair of tire tracks… When they’d finished, they zipped up their fly’s and followed the tracks. Trauma knelt down, put his ear to the ground and said: “ Red ‘79 Cadillac Eldorado convertible”
“You can tell all that just by listening to the ground? “, inquired The Vindicator.
“No, “ Was the reply, “it’s parked just up the hill.”
*Frood: Really Amazingly Together Guy
The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Douglas Adams (the one that doesn’t live in Surrey)
[writer - The Vindicator]
As the two ascended to the top of the hill, making there way slowly as bit by bit the car came into full view, they saw that no one was in there. The driver’s side door was left open and the keys were still in the ignition. Happy that he had his twice stolen car back (stolen once by him, and later by the woman) he jumped into the front seat and was about to start her up, when Vindicator called him over.
He was looking over the bushes and down the steep Kurt (cliff). At the base was a bizarre altar and several huge women, clad in nothing. Several wore white pads over their crotch and seemed to be the grumpier ones of the group. The large Amazonians had the woman-with-the-rose-tattoo suspended over a pit (also naked) and now finally only Trauma and Vindicator knew where the Tattoo was located.
“Should we help her?” Vindicator asked. “Fuck it, I got my car back…” Trauma paused as he started directly into the highbeams of one extremely large black Amazon. “Shit! Would you look at that! I think we better leave. Now!” As they turned, Vindicator nudged a rock off the Kurt (cliff) and attracted their attention. Moments later a group of heavily mammed women charged the hill. The two heroes were trapped!
“Hold on.” Vindicator said, “There’s too many of them, put away your Pez dispenser. Here… take this.” Vindicator handed Trauma a blindfold. Seconds later as the two stood perfectly still with the blindfolds on the Amazonians rushed right past them. One of them colliding with Vindicator and knocking him down, while she herself stumbled, yet keep going. “Amazing, isn’t it?” Vindicator said. “This theory really works.”…
[writer - TRAUMA - Hitchhikers Guide to Stupidity?]
…. Once they had passed, The Vindicator tore off his blindfold and told Trauma to do the same… They decided that the woman with the rose tattoo (which was situated in a particularly enjoyable spot) was too good to waste. So they slipped on their peril-sensitive sunglasses, pulled out their towels and parachuted down the side of the Kurt (cliff).
They inched their way through the jungle until they were within sight of the pit. The woman with the rose tattoo was still naked, but all nice‘n tied up by the edge of the pit. Trauma, with an evil grin on his face and slight drool at his lips, ran hunched over into the clearing (just like they ran to the choppers on M*A*S*H), picked up the babe and ran back. But, Trauma is too damn tall and the Amazons saw him and came running back! Trauma’s Peril-Sensitive glasses blacked out and he ran straight into a tree…
[writer - The Vindicator - What’s six times nine?]