THE GREATEST ADVENTURE EVER TOLD
By: Dragon, Goliath, Tito, Trauma and Vindicator, circa 1993ish
Edited by: Dragon
It all started one night as three of our main heroes staggered out of NRG one Saturday night (or early Sunday morning). Tito, Trauma and Vindicator were leaving to return home (Dragon wasn’t here yet…) from the club. They parked far away because of the parking situation. It had grown very cold and the three were freezing on the way back. They were in varying states of intoxication. Tito was sober because he was so responsible and could really hold his liquor. Vindicator was also mostly sober since he didn’t have the cash to get as shit-faced as he wanted, but Trauma – now you’re talking shit-faced!
As they walked ever onward for what seemed kilometers, the chill in the air was beginning to annoy them (except for Trauma who was feeling no pain). Tito remarked on how cold it was and Vindicator thought it would be funny to set him on fire. Casually he doused Tito with kerosene and flicked matches at his back. Not noticing, Trauma and Tito discussed their predicament.
Trauma: Yep, it sure is cold.
Tito: Yep, lucky I have my hate to keep me warm.
This brilliant dialogue continued until they neared a bridge where a freight train was passing slowly over.
Trauma: Hey, I know let’s hop aboard that freight train and cruise up to Toronto and we’ll walk up and down Younge Street.
Tito: Sure, let’s go. (Okay, maybe not completely sober)
The trio ran up and deftly hopped aboard the train and got into a box car. Vindicator made some impromptu torches out of straw in the car and the trio settled down for the ride. They closed the door to keep the wind out.
For a long time the trio sat gleefully awaiting their arrival at Toronto. Then suddenly Trauma sobered up and said “Tito, our cars are back in Burlington and we’re going to freeze to death. This is stupid. We’re going to Toronto on a freight train. This is stupid.”
Suddenly realizing their stupidity, the trio were bummed out and sat in contemplation of their presently worsening situation. The train was going way too fast to jump off now, so they’d have to wait until the train stopped at T.O. They didn’t realize that the trip had taken many hours longer than it should’ve and the next day when they awoke, the train had stopped and when they opened the door they were surprised to see…
[Writer: ...TITO SUAVE!!! (...based on an almost true story!)]
What the trio saw early that Thursday morning was quite amazing. Actually it wasn’t that amazing at all. Come to think of it, it was quite simple, depressing, but simple. Saturday night (early Sunday morning) the three would-be adventurers suffered from a severe case of what people might tend to call a near-death experience. This shock to the system placed them in a chilled, somewhat more or less, (tending to the more rather than the less) comatose state.
In fact, the train had stopped in Toronto… and then left for more northernly destinations. The city was built inside a crater, and was entirely blanketed with what looked like more or less, (tending to the more rather than the less) snow.
Trauma: “Koreshdamnit! We’re in Sudbury!”
Tito cringed and reflexively went for his brass knuckles. Nervously he glanced around, until he saw Vindicator’s quizzical look, and slowly relaxed.
Tito: “Rob Smith.” he stated plainly as if it would clarify everything. It did.
“Ahhh.” Trauma and Vindicator responded, as if they understood everything. They did. As they leaped from the freight car, Trauma and Vindicator gave a cautious look around the old rail yard.
[writer: TRAUMA - All hail Krull!]
The three (dare I say?) friends walked several yards and approached a small, dimly lit tavern. Upon entering, all motion within ceased. 2 dozen weathered faces stared at them in confusion and caution.
Trauma: “Hi! We’re not from Sudbury!”
This seemed to appease the onlookers (At least for the moment) and they returned to their beer, billiards and jail bait.
Tito: “God it’s good to be inside! It has top be 10 below out there!”
Trauma: “Time for a beer!”
The Vindicator: “I think I’ll just have some coffee.”
Trauma: “I think you are a homosexual!”
Bartender: “Hey! I don’t want any trouble in here…”
Trauma: “Maybe YOU are homosexual too, eh???”
Trauma and Tito ordered their beers and goose-stepped to the nearest unoccupied booth… The Vindicator followed with his coffee, careful not to trip over the protruding boots that mysteriously shot out from under the table as he walked by…
[writer: The Vindicator - coincidence? I doubt it...]
Okay, so the trio are in this bar, see. Trauma is eyeing the booze. Vindicator is eyeing the boots extended in his path and Tito is eyeing the jail bait (she may be fourteen, but she’s a very mature fourteen).
Suddenly a wall caves in and a man in leather on a motorcycle rides in with a mask on his face and a chain saw in one hand. A couple of burly patrons run up and are shredded to bits by the maniac. He proceeds to destroy the whole bar including all the patrons but excluding the unholy trio for some reason (probably blinded by the combined glint of light off of Tito’s Crisco, Trauma’s boot toe caps and Vindicator’s combination Zippo lighter and polished chrome Pez dispenser in the shape of the woman with the rose tattoo.) The patrons seem only slightly annoyed at being brutally butchered with a chain saw since this is what happens on a Sudbury Saturday night. Thanks to the liberal dose of toxic chemicals from Inco in already highly alcoholic beverages, Saturday Nights in this bar (called Inco Smelting Shed #5) always last for seven days.
As quickly as he appeared, the mysterious mass murderer speeds off down the road back to his job as an employee of the Post Office.
The trio, too jaded by lengthy histories of brutal violence to be affected by the carnage they have just witnessed goose-stepped out of the smouldering wreckage and wander into a field.
The three “friends” began to feel the chill of winter again but faced with little alternative, continued to walk. Suddenly they found themselves in a cow pasture and they noticed it was quite warm. Had they discovered a scientific anomaly that would immortalize them in the annals of scientific journals? Were they witnessing the profound heating potential of spontaneous cold fusion?
——-Uh , no. You see these cows were well fed and there was a lot of manure in the pasture. Not everyone realized this right away, however. Tito was already visualizing his statue in front of Princeton and ridiculously huge sums of money in his bank account when he exclaimed,” Sweet Koresh, we’re the first to discover that cold fusion smells like cow shit!”
[writer: ...TITO SUAVE!!! (...alright! so it wasn't that funny - sue me!)]
“NOW what do we do?” asked Tito.
“I’ve no idea..” mumbled Vindicator.
“I’ve got a cunning plan.” commented Trauma, both Tito and Vindicator moaned partially from minors hangovers but mostly from that one statement of Trauma’s that always seem to come up at the worst possible moment.
“Ok…so let’s hear it.” said Vindicator.
“Ok, we find a road, you see. Walk down it and find someone to give us directions, you see. Then we just go home. Easy eh?”
“Smart ass.” mumbled Vindicator and followed after Trauma who had made a start for the dirt road. Soon they chanced upon a paved road, soon comparatively speaking in relationship to the length of this story, that was paved.
“Ok wise guys, which way? The road runs east and west.” said Vindicator.
“We’ll flip a coin! Heads it’s east, tails it’s west” said Trauma.
“Just where the hell did you get all these extra brain cells you’re using up? Are they loaners? Flip the bloody thing!” Vindicator said.
Trauma reached into his pocket, then tried another, then another and finally his last one. “You got a quarter I can borrow?”
Tito sighed. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Trauma flipped it and it landed on it’s side on the road, perfectly balanced. Vindicator smacked his forehead in utter fustration. ”Ok…so we stay here.” finalized Trauma.
“WHAT?! In the middle of nowhere?! You’re nuts! I think you’ve used up what little thinking power you have!” complained Vindicator.
“I think he’s right. Fate has decided thus and I shall abide by it.” commented Tito.
“Since when have YOU ever believed in Fate? I’m leaving! I’m going east! If you want to stay, fine. But I’m going!” and with that Vindicator marched off west.
“He’s going west….” muttered Trauma.
“I know.” smiled Tito.
Ten miles later Vindicator saw a car in the distance but it was hard to be sure for the sun was in his eyes as it was getting late. ‘The sun should be behind me!’ Vindicator walked closer and eventually heard cursing and swearing coming from under the hood.
“Bloody Fords! Piece of shit thing! Should have stuck with Chryslers!!! Would never have had this type of trouble!”
Vindicator couldn’t believe his ears. “Dragon?”
The guy under the hood raised his head and soundly banged it on the hood. “Vindicator?!”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, I uh,…umm…gee…wait a minute! Me? What are YOU doing here?”
“Well, I uh…umm…gee…that doesn’t matter. What is important is the fact that we are both here so let’s get this car fixed and get home!”
At that point Trauma and Tito caught up to Vindicator, swaggering extremely cocky-like.
Vindicator: I though you were staying put?
Trauma: We would have but we were curious as to how far you would go WEST when you said you wanted to go east…
Vindicator began to swell up but realized that the story must go on and decided to save it for later.
Now that our Trio is no longer a Trio, but rather a Trio with an extra guy, the story continues….
Somehow the four adventurers made their way back into Sudbury. Utterly confused by why they even staggered so far just to stomp through a field conveniently located in a Vortex anomaly of a Cold Fusion Zone, which smelled entirely like cow shit! Well they shrugged, at least the Koreshdamn story is finally moving again.
The lights have come on in the snow swept streets on this Sudbury Saturday Night. (It may be Thursday, but with the constant state of Sudbur-ites and their Inco induced intoxication… every night is Saturday Night) And most of these Sudbur-ites argue that whenever they look out their windows at night, everywhere they look is Sudbury!
Shivering from the weather induced chill, the four would-be adventurers stumbling into another hick-bar. Making their way to an open table, covered in beer, stale pretzels and nickel-ore ashtrays, they sat down and ordered a round of ale.
Vindicator: “Oh my Koresh! Would you look at that!” he exclaimed. For the first time they all noticed the naked women and the stage. This must be one of the famous strip clubs, Tito and Trauma have heard so much about.
With mouths open in shock. And their morals and scruples being hit from all sides by this degrading and perverted show, they all quickly pulled their chairs in and leaned closer to the stage so as to capture the full effect of this cultural ambience.
Tito: “Hey, Trauma.” looking around the room to double check if it was actually real or if he was suffering from cold induced hallucination.
Trauma: “Yeah?” without taking his eyes off the large breasted female, he continued to drool in his cigarette butt strewn stein of beer.
Tito: “Look at all these chicks.” he said in a whisper, “What looks familiar to you.” After a few moments of eyeing all the naked dancers it hit him. His eyes widened and he straightened his back. Looking at Tito to silently confirm it.
Trauma: “I think we should leave.” Tapping the other two they stood and backed out the door. Outside they quickly goose-stepped away from the strip joint.
Vindicator: “Whats wrong? Why did we have to leave?”
Tito: “Because… all the dancers had the same set of matching earings and a necklace.” Together the Trio screamed. Dragon had absolutely no idea what this meant, but he screamed as well. Their goose-stepping picked up its pace….
[writer: TRAUMA - Amusing?]
The Trio (and the other guy) ran from this den of naked Stepford wives… They were running so hard and so fast that Tito began sweating sauerkraut!
Dragon: “Why are we running?”
Trauma: “Trust me… You DON’T want to stick around there!”
The Vindicator: “Yeah! You may NEVER be able to leave! And you’ll lose all your money… It’s worse than Televangelism in there!”
Dragon: “I don’t know why, but I have a real craving for chicken just now…”
[writer: The Vindicator]
The wind whistled through the trees. The streets were empty and the light snow on the ground would soon disappear. In a few days it would be Halloween. Trauma, Tito, Vindicator and Dragon huddled in an old abandoned nickel mine on the outskirts of Sudbury.
Trauma : We’re hundreds of miles from my car, my coat and we’re freezing our asses off in some Koresh forsaken town. This is stupid.
Shivering they stood deep inside the mine shaft.
Tito : Hey guys? Do you think this is safe? I mean we can’t even see and this is after all an abandoned nickel mine.
Vindicator : Yeah… but what could possibly happen.
Crack! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!! The timing was perfect.
Trauma : I think that was Dragon. The sound came from over here- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh!!
Vindicator : Hold it. I have a zippo.
Flicking the zippo on, Tito and Vindicator gazed at a dark hole covered in what was until a few seconds ago rotting timber. It was a shaft leading down into the depths of Inco’s dried out veins of nickel.
Tito : Are you guys alright?
Trauma : I’m fine. Good thing I landed on something soft.
After Trauma got off of Dragon’s chest they searched the area. Good thing Trauma carried a zippo as well. The lumber was dry enough to fasten together a makeshift torch and soon the bottom of the shaft was visible.
Vindicator : Don’t worry guys. We’ll get you up here in no time. Let me just fasten this rope to the over head beam.
Tito : do you think it will hold their weight.
Vindicator : I dunno. Let me check.
Snap! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Nope. The debris and dust extinguished all the flames and again it was pitch dark. Above them they heard a loud creaking and than a heavy SNAP! The overhead beam gave way and knocked Tito into the shaft. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh!! Still in pitch darkness they searched around.
Trauma: Hey Tito. You okay.
Tito : Yeah. Good thing I landed on something soft.
After getting off Vindicator back they re-lit the torch. Trapped, they all knew. What now?????………..
[writer: TRAUMA - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!]
Once he had begun breathing again, The Vindicator stood up and, his eyes now adjusted to the light, began to look around. On the far end of the pit was a dark shape, but the edges were smooth so he ambled over the rocks for a closer look. He eyeballed the shape in the darkness for a few moments. This was not working, so he pulled out his zippo. With one deft movement which (had he seen it) would have made Trauma VERY jealous, The Vindicator lit the wick and saw blue.
The Vindicator: “I see something blue!”
Tito: “That’s my tongue… I had a jawbreaker.”
The Vindicator: “Not unless you have an 8-foot tongue.”
Tito: “That’s what the ladies tell me!”
Trauma: “C bu O ll U sh G it H !!!”
The Vindicator ran his fingers up and down the length of the blue. It was very cold, and very smooth. He walked around to the back, tripped over a rock and stumbled forward right into the blue. Surprisingly, it gave under his weight and he landed flat on his stomach. The Vindicator realized he was now inside the blue… He stood up.
Seeing the new light source from the far side of the blue, Trauma, Tito and Dragon made their way towards the place that The Vindicator would soon outright deny tripping.
Trauma: “What did you find, Vind?”
The Vindicator: “I’m not sure… But it’s blue.”
Dragon: “Is it a whale?”
Trauma: “What the hell would a whale be doing in an abandoned Nickel mine? It’s not, is it?”
The Vindicator: “No… It’s not a whale…”
Stepping into the blue, the group stood in stunned silence.
The Group: “…”, they said, stunned.
The Vindicator: “There’s a control panel in the center…”
Dragon: “Unbelievable… It’s bigger inside than out!”
Trauma: “This is incredible!”
Tito: “This is a blatant rip off!”
Trauma: “What do you mean?”
Tito: “We’re going to steal it aren’t we?”
Tito: “This is a blatant rip off!”
The Vindicator: “I think I found something…”
The Vindicator pushed a button on the console and the inner doors closed.
Dragon: “Great, now we’re trapped!”
Tito: “I don’t want to listen to him whine anymore…”
Trauma: “Well, you can’t kill him. It’s in his contract.”
Tito : “Jesus H. Koresh!”
Flicking a couple more buttons, The Vindicator brought the great machine to life. A small view screen appeared on the far wall. It was black.
Dragon: “Does that mean the view screen is broken?”
The Vindicator: “I think it means that there’s no light outside this thing.”
Dragon: “Oh. Never mind…”
The Vindicator: “What does ‘Enter Time Co-Ordinates’ mean?”
Trauma: “You’re asking ME?”
The Vindicator: “Right.. Sorry. Well, let’s look around. I’ll go see what’s the next room…”
The Vindicator walked through the door opposite the view screen and disappeared. The rest of the group examined the control panel, but seemed unable to interpret any of the controls…
Moments later, The Vindicator emerged wearing a long trench coat, scarf and a fedora.
The Vindicator: “Look what I found.”
Trauma: “There are very few people in the universe who could get away with wearing an outfit like that. You are not one of them.”
The Vindicator: “Sez you… Hey! There’s something in the pocket… Jelly babies!”
Dragon: “What does this button do?”
Dragon, silly boy that he is, didn’t wait for an answer… He just pushed away!
The Vindicator: “What? The one you just pushed?”
The Vindicator: “The one marked ‘Dematerialize’?”
The Vindicator: “Dunno.”
Just then, a rather tall, blonde man with a stick of celery pinned to his jacket was spared the embarrassment of colliding with the blue… It was gone.
[writer: The Vindicator - With apologies to the BBC...]