The lights went dim and there was a strange whining sound…
Trauma: Vind stop that!
Vindicator: It’s not me!
Dragon: I smell chicken…
Slimdicator: You’re just hungry..
Dragon: How do you know?
Indicator: That dial over there says so…
Dragon looked at the dial….it said ‘Dragon is hungry’. Dragon turned the dial a bit…now it said ‘Trauma is eager.’, another turn ‘Tito is willing’, another turn ‘Vindicator is ready’. Dragon decided to go exploring at this point….
The lights brightened and the dark view screen showed them something quite surprising…..
[writer: DRAGON!!! (Better?)]
The image that appeared on the view screen was disturbingly familiar, yet completely foreign to them…
After a few moments of silence, The Vindicator piped up:
The Vindicator: “I think I know where we are…”
Trauma: “You do?”
The Vindicator: “Yeah… There’s just one problem. Our presence is utterly impossible.”
Tito: “So where are we?”
The Vindicator: “We’re inside the Tardis…”
Trauma: “No shit, Sherlock!”
The Vindicator: “No, I mean that we, in OUR Tardis, materialized inside our own Tardis.”
Trauma: “That’s utterly impossible!”
The Vindicator: “Thanks for the update.”
Tito: “So what do we do?”
Trauma: “We could leave our Tardis and go into our Tardis…”
The Vindicator: “No… If there’s one thing that the BBC has taught me it’s that meeting oneself would cause a temporal anomaly of catastrophic proportions… Perhaps even strong enough to rip the very fabric of time and unravel the universe.”
Trauma: “That could be fun to watch…”
The Vindicator: “Yeah, but only once.”
Tito: “So what do we do now?”
Dragon: “Why not ask my new friend?”
Dragon emerged from one of the many (many) back rooms within the
Tardis. Waddling behind him was a small metallic animal with the letter C and the number 9 on it’s chest…
The Vindicator: “What the hell’s that?”
Trauma: “What’s a C-9?”
Dragon: “My computerized chicken… I just built it out of some old spare parts I found in the back. C-9!”
Dragon: “Say something intelligent…”
C-9: “You’re a putz…”
The Vindicator: “I could learn to like this programmable poultry.”
Dragon just grumbled and played a little pocket pool.
C-9: “Temporal Anomaly detected… Suggest immediate dematerialization!”
The Vindicator: “What the hell… We’re not gaining anything by staying.”
The Vindicator entered a couple of random co-ordinates and threw the lever. There was a sickening lurch within the Tardis which made everyone’s stomach jump one foot to the left. The entire universe seemed to fold in on itself and then belch out a small blue box…
[writer: The Vindicator - Star Trekking across the universe...]
Trauma: That was neat.
Vindicator: Skiddily wa wa…. ah- never mind.
Hanging in the ether, the blue box just… hung there. Awkwardly. The little light on top flashed rhythmically. Inside the Tardis the Adventurers were quite bored. It seems that this usually happens when they nothing to do.
Dragon: I’m bored.
Tito : I’m willing.
Trauma: Here chickee, chickee, chickee.
Hours passed as Vindicator sitting cross-legged reading a large, well indexed Tardis Operation Manual before anything of importance happened. Suddenly…it was one minute after the last one. Tito and Dragon went exploring the Tardis was Trauma was motioning to C-9, trying to get him to do various tricks for a small half gnawed kernel of corn he found in his pocket under a wad of lint. It wasn’t going so well.
Trauma: Play dead.
Trauma: Roll over.
Trauma: Sit up and beg.
Trauma: Chase your tail.
C-9: Go away.
C-9: Leave me alone.
C-9: Stick your head in a temporal anomaly
Suddenly… it was one minute past the last minute. Slamming the manual closed Vindicator leapt to his feet and glanced at the console. There… labeled in block letter under a big red lever was the word ”MATERIALIZE”
Vindicator: I’m a genius.
Pulling the lever, the Tardis began its familiar siren-wailing. Solid ground. But where?
[writer: TRAUMA - No.]
They were in a swamp.
Dragon: It’s wet.
Vind: Oooo…he’s so smart! Knot!
Trauma: That’s NOT!
Tito: How can you tell the diff?
Trauma: I know Vind!
C-9: There is something outside the Tardis…
They all looked at the metal chicken and then to where his beak was pointing to at the screen. The lighting outside was not very good and they saw a shadow moving….
Tito: Alright…let’s go check it out..heh, heh, heh.
He said picking up his peril sensitive shades.
He said picking up Vind!
Vind: I’m ready!
He said picking up the manual
Dragon looked at the indicator, sure enough it said that Vindicator was indeed ready.
Dragon: Might as well.
He said picking up C-9 but almost put out his back at the weight so he decided to let him waddle out.
Once outside Vindicator aimed his pez dispenser at the creature in the dark. With a high-pitched, warbly voice they heard it speak…
Creature: Away put your weapon…I mean you no harm…
Tito narrowed his eyes. Trauma aimed Vindicator, Dragon thought “oh no!”
“What is it you seek here?” asked the little creature.
“Who are you?” demanded Tito.
“I am Yoga! Master of all Yogi!”
Dragon: Master! I have been searching for you! Please teach me the Way!
Vindicator turned his pez to Dragon! Trauma dropped Vindicator in astonishment, Tito slapped his forehead.
Tito: Alright enough of this. We have a job to do!
Trauma: We do?
Vind: Yes! We rob from the rich!
Trauma: You mean like Robin Hood? Rob from the rich and give to the poor!
Tito: No…we rob from the rich and pretty much keep it!
Dragon: Master. My friends seek to leave, what must I do?
Yoga: You must do what your gut tells you my son….
Dragon: But the chicken is made of steel!!!
Yoga baffed him on the head with his wiffle bat. “You must stay and learn the ways of the Yogi young Dragon. Then and only then will you be able to reach inner happiness.”
Vindicator: Oh brother! I say we leave him and the metal poulet here to rust!
Trauma: But, but, but…
Tito(whispered): Not now Trauma…later tonight in the Tardis.
Trauma gave him a sharp look.
Tito: Oh…you mean keeping the party together! AHEM…hmm….well we DO have a time machine….we’ll just go forward to when his training will be complete and pick him up then come back and continue with our busy schedule.
Vindicator: I say it’s a waste of time!!
Trauma: Does it matter? We have a time machine with ALL the time in the universe! Heyyyyy….there was this one chick….hmmm….
C-9: Dragon stays for his training. I will stay to guard him. The rest of you take the Tardis and we’ll catch up with you in a few years.
Tito: You mean a few seconds. <G>
The group parted, the blue box whined and the little light flashed and Dragon was left to train with Yoga and learn the ways of the Yogi.
[writer: DRAGON!!! (Well...do enjoy!<BG>)]
And so the original Trio were back in the stolen Tardis hurtling into the future to pick up Dragon. Once in motion Tito said to the others,” well we don’t have to pick him up right away, do we. I mean we’ve got all time to get him. I say we zip back to earth and materialize in a military armory and load up with hardware since there’s nothing stopping us from materializing inside, eh?”
Trauma and Vindicator agreed but the computer had to plot a course and the computations to appear inside the exact spot would take some time so the Trio had to amuse themselves for the next hour. Trauma immediately started polishing his nickel-plated zippo.
Almost an hour later, C-9 returned from the maintenance room to see Tito posed over the kitchen sink and Trauma at the laundry room sine. C-9 asked “What’s going on”
Ignoring him, Tito said,”ok, one, two, three – go!” and both he and Trauma turned on the cold water faucets full blast. A shriek of pain was heard that sounded like Vindicator’s voice.
“…Hee, hee, hee…” chuckled Tito and Trauma heinously. Vindicator was taking a shower.
[writer: ...TITO LIVES! -just an interlude of siliness...]
Suddenly, Tito realized that C-9 was left on the planet with Dragon and Yoga! Boy was his face red!
The Vindicator flicked a couple of switches, pushed a couple of buttons and turned a couple off dials and eventually, the linear continuity of the universe (and this story) was resolved…
The TARDIS materialized inside a small, forgotten weapons bunker somewhere in the mid-southern region of the USA. The walls were lined with various tools of death that had been forgotten by this Kinder, Gentler America. Quad-Pack RPGL’s, M-16′s with night scopes and targeting lasers, Miniguns, Plastic Explosives, Semi-Automatic Pez dispensers…
Trauma and The Vindicator looked around with interest… Tito began to drool.
[writer: The Vindicator - Must I do EVERYTHING???]
Vind and Tito: Skiddily wa wa.
They roamed around the ammo bunker picking up and playing with their new found toys. The place was fairly big, and loaded to the tits! Within 2 hours the Trio had packed one of the TARDIS’ chambers with all the ordnance.
Tito: Lets start a revolution.
Trauma rubbed his chin. Vindicator also rubbed his chin. Trauma smacked Vindicator and told him never to touch him again.
Trauma: Where are we gonna start a revolution? Its kinda tough to find a spot…
Tito: Why not just go back into time and join a worthy cause.
Vindicator: But that could alter history.
Trauma and Tito: Your point?
Vindicator: Just indicating the obvious.
Trauma: Fuck the revolution. I say we go back in time and use all this heavy firepower to get rich.
Tito: Yeah… that’s a worthy cause if I ever heard of one.
Vindicator: Do we pick up Dragon and C-9?
Tito: Naaa. We’ll pick them up later. First, lets make a quick stop at the women’s shelter.
[writer: TRAUMA - Dialogue.]
When the Trio returned to the control room of the Tardis heavily laden with their choice of sidearms and incidental weapons they stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the C-9 that had been thought to have been mistakenly a figment of Tito’s deranged and twisted imagination. Vindicator whispered to Tito,”now I see it too. How about you, Trauma?” Trauma nodded.
Tito:(all still whispering) Ha! I told you so. It must be a spare C-9.
Every well equipped Tardis has a spare.
Trauma: How do you know that?
Tito: No idea. I just made it up.
The Trio agreed that this was what had happened and they resumed normal voices and entered the room.
Tito: (to “C-9″) We can’t have two C-9s because it confuses me so we’ll call you C-8, okay.
“C-9″: That’s fine with me, bucko, hehehehehehehehe.
The robotic chicken thought to itself, ha, these saps have bought it. Little do they know that I am the prototype of the real C-9. These rubes will be easy to eliminate and then I’ll eliminate that goody-two shoes brother of mine, C-9.
Yes, readers, the Trio in their blissful ignorance had accidentally activated the Lor model robotic chicken while poking around the Tardis. Soon they would pay for their folly.
The Trio went to sleep eventually and C-8 rolled over to Trauma and woke him up,”master, my sensors indicate that the AE-35 unit on the external satellite antenna will go 100% non-functional in 25 minutes. It must be replaced.”
Tito stirred from his sleep after an apparent nightmare,” yeah, little girl, keep petting the puppet like that and I’m sure it will tell you a story. Yeah, like that, ohhhhh yeaaahhhhhh, that’s it faster, faster, uh what? It’s the cops shit, they caught me. She told me she was fourteen, officer, I swear.”
Trauma shook him violently.
Tito: Lemme go, I won’t do it again, I swear it! Uh, wha, uh, Oh
Trauma, it’s you. I must have been having a nightmare.
Trauma: The AE-35 unit is broken. What do think we should do.
Tito:(snapping back at Trauma) Well take your MacGuyver knife and go and fix it. Leave me alone, I’m busy sleeping.
Trauma went out the door of the Tardis and climbed on top of the Tardis’ roof. Unfortunately the Tardis was hurtling through the ether at this point.
Trauma remarked,”hey, there’s no satellite antenna out here. What the hell is going on?” Almost as answer to his question, he heard the door to the Tardis slam shut and he drifted away into the Ether.
Inside C-8 was chuckling diabolically,”heeheehee. Whoops! There he goes!”
Trauma sat silently drifting in the Ether,”damn.” He suddenly realized that the presence of the ether reminded him of his childhood. “This must be upper class ether, we were lucky to be able to live in an infinity of ether only a fraction of this size. We had good belts though.”
[writer: -Tito, ether, it ebbs and it flows.]
Yoga: You MUST conCENtrate! You will never master the art of the Yogi if you continue to think like that!
Dragon trips and falls while he walked along a path. “But Master… The chicken doesn’t mind!”
The little green midget jumps up and side kicks him in the head. “But _I_ do!”
Dragon gets up again and closes his eyes and suddenly exclaims
“Master! My friends(term used loosely) are in trouble! I must go save them!”
Yoga: What did you see?
Dragon: Mist, Trauma floating and thinking about his childhood, C-9 laughing….it’s all very hazy Master.
Yoga: I TOLD you to stay away from the mushroom pasture!!! You are hallucinating! Now let’s try this again…
Dragon and his Yogi Master once again go back to Dragon’s studies in the art of the Yogi and as for his friends(term used loosely)…well…I guess they’re fucked…
C-8 realized that if he was to be successful in his plan, The Vindicator would have to be the next to go. Only his superior intellect could pose a threat to C-8′s plans. He would have to be…. dealt with.
Trauma was still floating through the never, er… ether, and Tito was in his room having yet another nightmare.
Tito: “No, not the rat-tail!”
“I’ll be good! Don’t beat the evil out of me!”
C-8 opened the control panel at the base of the Tardis control panel and began a little “Bob Vila” work on the wiring. He clucked a metallic little cluck as he worked. “Yes”, he thought… “This will do nicely.”
[writer: The Vindicator - Ethereal...]
Hiding behind the antique coat rack, C-8 rubbed his metallic wings together as he watched The Vindicator enter the room. He already stumbled once as he stepped on his long scarf. Adjusting it, Vindicator once and strode forward. Within two steps he stumbled again.
Vindicator: Maybe I should have given the scarf to Trauma. That way he would trip into something solid and heavy. (No one knew exactly what Trauma was doing at that very moment)
Determined to try out some new things, Vindicator flicked the switch. This was the same one C-8 had rigged to do the following heinous, devious thing to whoever flicked the switch.
Vindicator was jolted by a current of energy that sent his hair (all over his body) into fits of curiosity. It seemed each hair wanted to see which one was the tallest.
He began fading. Soon Vindicator had become invisible. But not only Invisible… he was phased! He could pass through anything much like a ghost.
C-8: Finally… he is gone.
Vindicator: What? Whats going on?
C-8 couldn’t hear him or see him or feel him. No one could. C-8 waddled out of the room in search of a way to get rid of the final threat. Tito. After several hours of experimenting, Vindicator had figured out what had happened to him. He had been phased. He had to get help. But from whom? No one can hear him or see him. It was that blasted C-8! He was behind all this!
Vindicator: Although… there really isn’t a major rush. Think of the possibilities. Spying on women while they are taking bubble baths or are in the shower. Being in the room while someone is talking about you… so many things. Where should I begin?
[writer: TRAUMA - In the ether...]