Immediately following the carnage, our heroes looked around the room. Sputtering wires and twitching forms made the only sound. THE Dragon deciding to use table cloth as a toga, made his way to the chicken wire fence and pulled down the now one-winged C-9.
Whiskey Jack and Stompin’ Tom apparently bailed before the explosion. Picking their way across the floor, (and Tito picking his way through pockets, looted the bodies as thoroughly as possible.) The Adventurers came up beside THE Dragon.
Suddenly as whining sound, similar to that of the TARDIS’ dematerialize sound started. Startled they drew their weapons and aimed in the general area of the sound.
Fading into existence was a large bass! A few moments passed and the bass began moving. A door opened on his backside and out tumbled a man, who can only be described as a beatnick! He wore a tweed gray jacket over a white turtle neck. His trouser were extremely baggy and he wore a pair of rope sandals without socks. He also wore a black french beret and a pair of shades.
Trauma and Tito: Goliath!
Goliath: Skiddily wa-wa.
Its been years since Trauma, Tito and Goliath were together and involved in a continuing story… so this reunion was one of great importance.
Tito: Hey! Ponce. Where’s the five bucks you owe me?
Goliath: Ah man. I left it in my other pants, man.
Introductions made, Goliath proceeded to tell them his story:
Goliath: Well, you see. I was catching some rays on this planet, man. When I scoped out this hot babe. She had long legs and heavy set of hooters. She came over and sat down beside me. She wanted me to rub somelotion on her BACK! (Get it?) I lustered her up and then she was all over me. Next thing I know is these five big dudes started ruffing me up! They said I molested their innocent young sister. Yeah right! Like with a body like that, I was supposed to know she was only 14! I escaped and hid out for a bit. Luckily I stumbled across this bummed out time lord. So I stole his Tardis. And now I’m here.
[writer: TRAUMA - Groovy.]
In the TARDIS, the now 5 Adventurers (Trauma, Tito, Vindicator, THE Dragon and Goliath) Nestled down for a long winters nap. Suddenly there arose such a clatter, they leapt from their beds to see what was the matter. Quickly they flew into the control room. Weapons loaded and menacingly waving. Vindicator turned on the monitor and they discovered they had landed. But where?
Suddenly materializing before them were three robed figures. The one in the center (and also the largest one) spoke first.
Big Guy: (in a high lisping voice) You have been charged with crimes against the Spirits of Christmas.
Tito: Save it.
Tito unloaded a full clip into the figure dropping him. Trauma followed suit and slaughtered the other two in the heat of excitement. Rocking back and forth, Trauma’s eyes were wide and adrenaline rushed through his veins. Starting to shake with seizure, the others rushed to his side. Tito grabbed Trauma’s pez dispenser and forced one, then two more into his mouth.
Tito: Here… put a little on your gums.
Relaxing, Trauma looked around.
Trauma: I’m fine now guys. Thanks.
Suddenly a disembodied head appeared in the TARDIS. Trauma and Tito thought to employ the same solution as to the last problem. However this did not work.
Disembodied Head: (in a high squeaky voice) You have been charged with crimes against the Spirits of Christmas. You are sentenced to rehabilitation. The only way to do this successfully is to experience Christmas through the eyes of children.
Vertigo hit them. It had to hit Trauma twice because he was still wearing the peril sensitive sunglasses. The first time was to knock them off, and the second was to give him that fuzzy feeling in the tummy.
Falling through that now familiar feeling of blackness, they sat back, jaded.
Tito: Hey man. Is dis da best dat you can do?
They landed. On the soft cushion of a mattress. Looking around they noticed something odd about themselves. They had been turned into children. Each wore the pj’s with the feet attached and the flap on the back.
Vindicator: What the hell is this?
Just then coming into the room was what appeared to be ‘mommy’ and ’daddy’. Trauma, Tito, Vindicator screamed! THE Dragon was so scared he pooed himself and Goliath cried.
The reason the two ‘parents’ received this response was because ’daddy’ was Rob Smith. Padre! The mother. It was quite obvious. Some two bit washed up hooker/stripper Rob ordered in in a Mail Order catalogue from Cambodia!
Daddy: C’mon you little bastards. Its time for school.
You see, Padre didn’t have a job. A real job that is. He watched foster children for a living. His wife worked late nights. Yes, this is gonna be one hell of a christmas.
[writer: TRAUMA - Ho ho ho!]
Their delicate senses befouled by the odour of the not so sweet smelling home they were now forced to inhabit the five grimly set about the task of plotting the demise of those they were forced to live with and those who had sent them here. But first it was necessary for a plan of action to be made.
Tito: I say we blow them all to hell!
Vindicator: Nah! Already been there nothing special.
Trauma: Did you see the ass on that Cambodian bitch! Ow! We could make a pretty penny by selling her on the street!
THE Dragon: Anybody got a spare set of pj’s?
Goliath: Oi! I say we call up the phone sex line and charge it up way up, Padre’s payin!
After expressing their lack of enthusiasm for their “parents” the five intrepid voyeurs, uh, voyageurs decided that the best strategy here was to bilk these saps for everything they were worth( not much) and leave this flea infested piss-shack post haste!
The five had formed their plan of action: 1) gain cash fast by pawning everything that wasn’t nailed down. 2) quickly shove ma out onto the street to increase the family income 3) make a quick visit to the mall to shoplift as much as they could and blame it on their wretched father. 4) find a decent set of clothes for fuck’s sake!
It was a fluke. The Spirits of Christmas managed to yank the 5 Adventurers out of the story before they destroyed Christmas. The error was that since their bodies had been reduced to that of 4 year olds, their minds remained the same. Only one explanation could be given – a greater power was siding with the Adventurers. A purely malignant and evil power!
And so we proceed…
Back in the TARDIS, Trauma, Marshal Tito, Vindicator, THE Dragon and Goliath along with C-9 hurled once again through time and space.
[writer: TRAUMA - I fucked it up... so then I saved it!]
Tito: “What happened?”
The Vindicator: “I think we were hit by a colossal negative space wedgie.”
The Vindicator: “You want me to explain? I know how much you love alternate realities and fractures in the space/time continuum.”
Trauma: “Never mind.”
Dragon was feeling his arms and legs… Then he moved his hands down his chest, stomach, back, hips…
Trauma: “What the hell are you doing?”
Dragon: “Making sure everything is still where I left it.”
[writer: The Vindicator - In a slump.]
THE Dragon: Hey Vind…you sure your real name ain’t Cliff?
Suddenly, before Vindicator swelled up his ego to smite the little man that THE Dragon was, a loud siren and flashing lights came on inside the HMGS Tardis.
Tito: Damn! Tell them that she told me she was legal before they put the cuffs on me!
Trauma: Relax! Check out the screen.
Goliath: Skiddly wa-wa
The screen lit up to show a most horrid fate that had befallen them this time. Outside showed a massive gathering of people in the most outrageous clothing and smoking these little things every five feet they walked. Beads adorned just about everything and everyone had hair down to their butts. Flowers bloomed everywhere and messages of “Peace” was in the air. Yes, they were at Woodstock!
With the sudden appearance of a Johnny-on-the-spot(at least that’s what it appeared to those at the concert) the lineup for the washroom started. People were pounding on the door and shouting for those inside to hurray up.
Vindicator: Let’s get out of here…
Trauma: Nothings working. Everythings dead. Not lights, no blips.
THE Dragon: It is a sign. We have a mission here to accomplish and Fate has charged us with completing it.
Goliath was just staring at the screen, absolute fascinated by the sight of all those people, joined for a single purpose. Do listen to their music, to express their feelings, and most of all to get high!
<Writer’s insert….how does he do that! I said one purpose and three appeared….sigh>
Goliath: Man, that is just too cool. I have died and gone to the great Smoke House in the Sky! Let me out…
With those muttered words he swayed out the door to join his brothers in Love. In doing so he let the hundreds of Hippies…er, expressionists into the extra-dimensional unit and the crew had all kinds of beat-niks all through the Tardis.
Vindicator: Oh just great! Whatever are we going to do now? We can’t kill thousands of them!
Tito just smiled and said: Sure we could. I’m game! Besides, I want to try out ‘Ol Betsy here.
Tito pulled out the shiniest gun anyone had ever seen. Double-barreled, nickel-plated and with a polished oak stock he was ready to rock.
Trauma: Where’d ya get that?!
Tito: Been savin it. Found it a ways back and modified with some things I found here. Don’t know what it’ll do, but one of the parts said ”For StarShips weapons only” It was small and it fit inside the stock. Heh Heh.
Just then Goliath walked back in.
Goliath: ‘Bout time you guys showed up! I’ve been waiting for years!
Trauma: Whaddya mean years?! Ya just left a few mins ago!
Goliath: What?! Have you been doing any of those drugs they got here man? I’ve not seen you since the last story ya stuck me in….I believe I was in the gutter…
THE Dragon looked at the view screen and saw an image of Goliath waling among the crowd of hippys, thoroughly enjoying himself….
THE Dragon: Umm guys…look at the screen.
They saw the other image and were baffled.
Vindicator: That’s not possible! This one must be an imposter!
C-9 walked in from the next room.
C-9: No he is not. This is the dilemma which you must solve. Both are the real Goliath but only the right one must leave this timeline, somewhere in the future you guys screwed up the timelines and if you mess it up again all of reality will be torn asunder!
Tito: Hey! Does that mean I won’t be able to polish my gun?
Now what will our heroes do? Are they faced with a a paradox of time or will they simple blunder their way through this encounter? My money’s on the second choice<G>
Screaming hysterically and gibbering at the thought of actually being involved in one of those space/time scenarios… Trauma pulled out a cheese grater and a sheet of tin foil. Jamming the tin foil into his mouth he began chewing and giggling madly. At the same time he started shaving his head with the cheese grater. Fortunately… Tito and Vindicator tackled him before he did himself any serious damage. Vindicator proceeded to slap some sanity into him with a glove. Enjoying the sensation, Vindicator applied a flurry of glove slaps until he was overwhelmed was the same hysterical screaming and gibbering. However, Vindicator salivated more and drooled all over his shirt.
Tito : And stay out you fucking beatnik!
Tito hoofed the last one out and slammed the door closed.
THE Dragon : How do we get out without letting them back in?
On the screen the line up started again.
Trauma : I think Tito’s method is the best.
Trauma reached for his MAC-10s. And Tito pulled up his UZI. Vindicator shook his head in stupified disbelief that anyone so violent as Trauma and Tito could possibly exist.
Vindicator: Why don’t we try subtlety for once?
Tito : What? Subtlety? Subtlety is for pussies and faggots!
Trauma : Yeah… and I bet you would like some orange pop too, eh?
Goliath #1: So what your chicken is saying… is that I don’t belong in this timeline?
THE Dragon: We don’t know. Its either you or the other Goliath out there.
THE Dragon pointed to the view screen. Goliath #2 was body surfing.
Vindicator: Our traveling through the time/space continuum with ‘our’ Goliath must have disrupted the time/space fabric and over lapped two parallel timelines.
Trauma: <gibberish> <chuckle>
Goliath #1: Well then what are you waiting for. Go out and grab the other me and lets get the hell back in time.
Vindicator: Okay. We have to figure out which timeline we intersected.
At this point Trauma frantically looked around for another cheese grater. Fortunately Tito was prepared and with a little extra unnecessary exertion, tackled Trauma. Tito alone couldn’t hold down the thrashing Trauma. So THE Dragon pinned Trauma’s legs. (But not before getting a boot to the nuts.) Vindicator reached excitedly for his gloves and tripped on his scarf. Goliath #1 rushed over and crushed one of two walnuts on the floor that had fallen out of THE Dragon’s mouth. Reaching for a clump of crisco he forced it into Trauma’s hand.
Tito: Here… Put a little crisco on it.
Generously heaping the crisco onto his own gums, Trauma relaxed.
On the view screen… Goliath #2 was engaged in some furious moshing in front of the stage. He was also wearing a purple felt top-hat with a yellow ribbon and flowers painted all over it.
[writer: TRAUMA - Yup... I would go with the second choice too.]
The Vindicator jumped to the control panel and pulled a couple of levers…. The Tardis made a sickening lurch about 30 ft. to the west, materializing right next to Goliath #2… Trauma opened the door, reached out and grabbed Goliath #2 by the scruff of the neck, and pulled him inside.
The Vindicator closed the doors and dematerialized.
The two Goliath’s looked each other in the eye for the first time… For a moment, it seemed that the space/time continuum might collapse, but it was protected by The Vindicator’s vast ego.
Instead, the two Goliath’s merely passed out… As they lay on the floor of the Tardis, farting away, Trauma and Tito sat in the corner and sulked.
THE Dragon: “What’s wrong with you two?”
Trauma: “We didn’t get to kill anyone.”
Tito: “We didn’t even get to maim any small children!”
The Vindicator: “If you’re good, we can stop at Disney World, and you can fire indiscriminately into the crowd.”
Trauma and Tito beamed a smile at no-one in particular. The Vindicator walked into one of the many thousands of rooms down the hall, where a door said “It’s been a mind-numbingly happy experience opening for you.”
The Vindicator: “When did the doors start to talk?”
Trauma started chewing tinfoil again…
[writer: The Vindicator - But officer, the fate of the world hangs in the balance!]
Happily the voyageurs continue in blissful ignorance on their quest. Little known to them a giant space anomaly opened up and sucked them off course. Vindicator was summoned by C-9 from the bathroom where he was fervently jerking off to a skin mag left behind by THE Dragon the previous user of this one of the thousands of stalls in the Tardis.
Summoned by the emergency the Vindicator was forced to quit his affairs in a hurry and see where they had materialized. As it was his watch he could not believe his eyes to find the Tardis had materialized within a rundown theater in the middle of the ether.
Moments passed while Vindicator summoned the rest of the crew threw the use of an old ship’s air horn he found. With a loud AOOOGAAA! The crew was awakened and formed up before the view screen. They were stunned to find a closeup of a weird alien looking blue bird with a large hooked nose and two large beady eyes surrounded by a vast harem of chickens pecking at the hull of their phone booth.
Music could be heard outside in the theater the band leader turned around and threw a massive gold toothed smile at the camera that blinded them for a fraction of a second all that the aliens needed before the Tardis was hit by a massive detonation in one of the walls.
Manaical laughter could be heard as a small lunatic ran threw the hole and into his type of heaven their armory. Beckoning to his comrades the boarding siren wailed throughout the Tardis- a series of tin cans and bells that Trauma had collected through his childhood.
After the little dynamite wielding lunatic disappeared into theTardis’ armory, the others stormed through.
C-9 <scanning> : Sweet Koresh! We are being invaded by Muppets!
First came Gonzo and his armed chickens commandos. Fascinated by C-9, Gonzo rushed over to see what this gorgeous hunk o’ chicken was! A quick taser blast deterred Gonzo from continuing his sexual advances.
The 5 adventurers plus the other Goliath tried to fend off the boarding party… but were overwhelmed by the onslaught of The Flying Zucchini Brothers and a Fish wielding maniac! Successful in their strike, the other Muppets stormed the breach.
Kermit and Scooter carried in the desk and P.A system. Stadler and Waldorf carried in their customary booth. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem lugged in their instruments. Scores of other Muppets and the patrons with their seats swarmed under the legs of Sweetums as he held open the breach from repairing itself.
Disappearing throughout the Tardis the Muppets infested their new home. Stadler and Waldorf set up their booth in the control room as the breach finally closed. Vindicator staggered to the controls and dematerialized.
[Ed. Note: Goliath's first and only big post....thank God!]
Recovering from the bizarre encounter… Vindicator checked the instruments of the TARDIS.
Tito : What the Fuck was that?
Vindicator: It was a temporal anomaly. We crossed one of the multitude of realities where the TARDIS encountered a floating Muppet Theater. NO harm done… but lets avoid another such occurrence.
Trauma : <gibberish>
Suddenly the proximately alarm wailed! The TARDIS was yanked out of plotted course and into the ether by an immense gravitational force. On the view screen the Adventurers looked on in astonishment. The cube was huge. Close to the size of a small moon.
THE Dragon : What is it?
Vindicator : I dunno? C-9, what do you think?
C-9 : Looks like a giant cube the size of a small moon.
Trauma : But look at it. Look what its made of…
He was right of course, he was an odd construction. It appeared to be a mass of slum apartments fused together into a giant cube!
C-9 : We are being scanned by some fairly primitive devices.
They looked for a source of the scanning.
Zooming in they saw the primitive scanner. It was a long haired skid with a pair of binoculars.
Tito : Sweet Koresh! Its the skids!
THE Dragon: The Who?
Vindicator : No.. they disbanded years ago.
Suddenly the TARDIS was being hailed. The image on the screen was of a long haired skid wearing a ripped jean jacket with graffiti all over it. The background was obscured by smoke.
Skid : Like, surrender your ship, man.
He took a long drag from a small joint.
Vindicator : Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.
Tito : Fucking welfare, poogie bastards. Try and take it.
Tito held his gun menacingly.
Skid : Whoa… like bad karma, man. Resistance is futile, you will be tipped.
From the background chanting started. “Tip it. Tip it. Tip it.” Growing steadily into a fevered pitch.
Vindicator : Its time to leave.
[writer: TRAUMA - And the crowd goes wild. A brilliant recovery by the Main Man!]