The Vindicator reached for the controls but not before the Tardis was surrounded by a bunch of lazy, slack-lipped greaseballs who started to tip what they perceived as a funny looking outhouse. Inside Vindicator was momentarily startled and lost his balance and hit a large red button that said “Obliterate”. Silence rung the skies. Time seemed to stand still, colour seemed to drain from the very reality of their beings and there was a bright flash of energy on the view screen. In the next moment, when the smoke cleared, the Cube was gone.
Tito(struck to utter amazement): Duhh, duhh….I LIKE IT!!!!
Trauma: I’m impressed!
Vindicator: That could come in handy.
THE Dragon: My, my…wasn’t that pretty.
Tito: Can we go to Disneyland now? Pleeeeeease???!!!
C-9: Umm guys…take a close look outside…
The view screen now showed an odd anomaly. Like looking into a mirror that had a mirror in front of it, the fabric os space/time seemed to have been pierced multiple times and they could see through an infinity of realities.
Trauma: Ok..so now what? We have a straight doorway to just about anyplace without random button punching. I say we go for it.
Vindicator: We just punched a hole through the entire multi-verse and you want to go explore?!
Vindicator: Oh…ok…let’s go.
So, slipping through the first layer of punched space, they ended up where no man(or chicken….or Dragon) has ever gone before…..
Passing the first layer was extremely painful. The shock to their system was more then they could handle, and they collapsed onto the floor of the TARDIS. THE Dragon pulled himself to his feet. The TARDIS was dark and only he and C-9 where their. The view screen was also effected by the power loss and so he had to leave the TARDIS to see where he was. C-9 rolled out after him.
It was beautiful sunny day and all around him was a small village. No one was about. He did notice however that the TARDIS was slightly tilted, which means they landed on something. Walking around the TARDIS he saw what it was. A pair of feet were sticking out from under the TARDIS. They had a pair of Koala Bear slippers on the them. Scattered around where pamphlets and flyers which read “Watch Tower”.
From behind him he heard a high squeaky voice say, “You killed him.”
THE Dragon spun around quickly to see an entire mob of midgets. His first instinct was to scream out a battle cry and thrash them all using C-9 as a blunt instrument. But he choose not to.
Midget: You killed him! Hurray! You killed the Jehovah’s Witness!
Before he could say anything, the crowd hefted him and C-9 over their heads and carried them into the village. Singing, “Ding Dong, The Jehovah is dead! The Jehovah is dead! The Jehovah is dead!”
He was about to confess that it was all an accident and he never intended to kill anyone, but decided he would milk this saps for all this was worth!
Suddenly out of the sky appeared Glenda, the Good Slut of the North! It was a joyous day for all the midgets when she arrived. Eyeing him up and down, she licked her lips. However, being repulsive, THE Dragon cringed.
Glenda: You saved the Midgets!
Mayor: Hey! How many times do I have to tell ya, we don’t like to be called midgets!?
Glenda: Oh.. alright. You saved the ‘Vertically Challenged’!
Everyone cheered! Glenda pinched THE Dragon’s bum!
Mayor: Is their anything we can do for you?
THE Dragon: Well… yes there is. I lost my friends and, it seems that my TARDIS is busted.
Mayor: To find your friends…
Someone else: … you must follow the yellow brick road…
Someone else: … follow the yellow brick road…
Someone else: … follow the yellow brick road…
Mayor: … and then go to the Emerald City and find the Wizard…
Someone else: … yes! find the Wizard! He can help you.
Glenda goosed THE Dragon again.
Glenda: But first you must take these magical Koala bear slippers. And never take them off. Or they will get you.
THE Dragon: They? Who are they?
Glenda: Why the Jehovah’s of course!
Putting on the slippers, THE Dragon was on his way to find his friends. And the Emerald City…..
[writer: TRAUMA - Yup.]
So, THE Dragon slipped on the Koala slippers and he and Toto, er… C-9 began the long trek to the Emerald City.
They walked for several hours when they came upon a skinny black man dressed as a scarecrow. The scarecrow was dancing and yelling “Hee hee!” for no readily apparent reason.
“Who are you, and where are you going?” Inquired Dragon.
Scarecrow: “I’m Michael the scarecrow, and I’m going to see the Wiz!”
Dragon: “Blast him, C-9″
C-9: <Insert special effect here>
The scarecrow lay dead on the side of the yellow brick road. THE Dragon quickly rummaged through his pockets, found a few things and continued his journey.
Meanwhile, in another part of the land:
The Tardis materialized on the edge of a large field of poppies. The door opened and Trauma, The Vindicator and Tito stepped out. Trauma immediately began to gibber and Tito stripped down to his jockey’s and ran through the field yelling “I’m coming, generalissimo!”
Once The Vindicator managed to pry the tinfoil out of Trauma’s hands, he gathered up Tito’s clothes and convinced him to get dressed again. They were just getting their bearings and were about to begin looking for THE Dragon, when a small dude on a moped drove up and asked them if they had any grass.
The Vindicator: “You some kinda midget hippie?”
Midget Hippie: “We prefer the term ‘Altitudinally Challenged’”
The Vindicator: “I beg your pardon.”
Midget Hippie: “No problem, man! You got some grass?”
Trauma: “No, but we have some crisco!”
Tito: “And Binaca!”
The midget, er… Altitudinally Challenged hippie pondered the situation and decided that he needed to ponder the situation further. So, he drove away in a cloud of altitudinally challenged dust.
As he drove off, an accuracy-impaired map fell out of his saddlebag. ”This could be useful.”, thought The Vindicator and he grabbed the map.
The Vindicator: “Hey guys… According to this map, there’s a large green city about 12 miles to the east of here. Maybe Dragon is heading there!”
Trauma: “Your point?”
The Vindicator: “They probably have women there.”
Trauma: “What are you just sitting there for???”
So, they began the 12-mile trek to the Emerald City… They passed many wondrous things on the way… Much to wondrous to bother discussing in a story as informal as this one is. But I can tell you that they were sorely tempted to stop in at a theatre they passed along the way… The theatre was playing Dragon: The Liu Kang Story.
[writer: The Vindicator - Making up for his absence...]
As the Trio passed the theatre which was playing the Liu Kang Story, the front doors opened and a figure tumbled out into the street. The Trio walked over to see what was happening. As the party approached the man (not Altitudinally Challenged) got up and shouted into the theatre,” you’ll be sorry for this you little faggots. I’ve been thrown out of better theatres than this! I’ll nuke your stupid theatre till it glows!”
Tito exclaimed,” Wow! It’s Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Hey, I’m a huge supporter of yours and I’ve always wanted to meet you.”
Zhirinovsky replied,”Well naturally, who wouldn’t?”
Tito: “Of course, but please tell us what happened here.”
Zhirinovsky: “Well, you see, I was here on a diplomatic mission and I had some time to kill so I took in this movie. All I said was,” hey, that slant-eyed nip is pretty good. I bet he could kick the shit outta about 20 of you little midget bastards. Of course, any Russian could shitkick at least 50 of you dwarf freaks without breaking a sweat. Apparently, the fellow patrons of the theatre can’t take constructive criticism and they threw me out before I could put down my popcorn to thrash them.”
Tito: “How awful, we should go and torch the theatre down for that,”
Zhirinovsky: “Ah, they’ll get theirs. Now get outta my way, wop, I got an appointment with the Wizard” he said shoving Tito and with that he stormed off down the street.
Tito looked at his comrades and said,” Vladimir Zhirinovsky actually shoved me. What a great man!”
Vindicator found the episode amusing and decided to shove Tito as Vlad had done. Tito bared all his teeth and hissed, “Touch me again and I’ll keel you!”
With the excitement having passed the Trio continued on their way to the mysterious green city 12 miles away.
The Trio walked for a while longer until the road became more twisting and the foliage on the sides became denser with trees and shrubbery.
Trauma: So what is going on? are there actually two Tardis’ or what?
Vindicator: Well, yeah, Dragon has the other one which is probably somewhere nearby as well.
Tito: I don’t understand how we got separated in the first place. I thought we were together and maybe Dragon slipped out somewhere.
Vindicator: On the other hand, that might be what has happened.
Tito: This portal business wasn’t fully explained to me either. My brain still hurts.
Trauma: Why is it a portal? why don’t we just call it a door?
Vindicator: (amused by the ignorance of his comrades) Naturally it’s a portal. It’s always called a portal if it is a result of a rift in the time-space continuum.
Trauma: (searching his pockets for tinfoil and laughing hysterically) “Damn, where did I put my portable cheese grater?”
Tito: (stripping off his clothes and twitching maniacally) Is that poison ivy over there? How about there?
Vindicator regretted having said “rift in the time-space continuum” and quickly corrected himself, “Did I say rift in the time-space continuum? What I meant to say was it was a magic door”
Tito and Trauma: (calming down)…a magic door? huhuhuhu cool.
With that they continued. They didn’t get far, however, they stopped in their tracks when they heard a rustling in the bushes off to the right.
Now I’m sure that many of you were expecting THE Dragon to come bumbling out of the underbrush, and to be perfectly honest… That’s what our hero’s were expecting to see as well. That’s why they were stunned when the person they thought was THE Dragon turned out to be Goliath.
Trauma: “Where have YOU been???”
Goliath: “I think I got caught in some rupture in the space-time continuum… Either that or it’s just one of the many inconsistencies that plague the writers…”
The Vindicator: “Ah shit! You said space-time continuum!”
Trauma lay on the ground in the fetal position, gums bleeding and cheese grater in hand while Tito rolled around in the dirt asking various plants if they’d like to be friends with him. The Vindicator slapped his forehead, then decided to slap Goliath as well.
The Vindicator: “He meant magic door! Magic Door! Really!”
But it was no use… This time they’d really snapped. Words would not suffice this time. The Vindicator started rummaging through his gym-bag which he’d been carrying all the time, but was never actually mentioned. He pushed aside some cherry Pez, binaca and searched under his inflatable helicopter… finally he pulled out a large blue & white plastic tub of Crisco which he smeared on Trauma and Tito’s gums.
As their respirations began to return to normal, and Tito (unsuccessful in convincing a single plant to be friends with him), The Vindicator politely requested that Goliath not mention portals, S/T continuum’s, colossal negative space wedgies or any other form of paranormal phenomena.
The Vindicator: “So just cut it out, cheesehead!” he said to Goliath.
Goliath: “Can I tell them about the chocolate house I saw over the next ridge?”
[writer: The Vindicator & Gretel.]
The Trio (note capital must be used since there are 4 members) continued on there way and sure enough, over the next hill there was a house built entirely of chocolate and candy of all kinds. The party descended upon it like locusts and began to munch on it immediately. After half an hour they lay on the grass bloated with the sweets they had consumed and not feeling all too well. Tito was exacerbating the situation with one of his anecdotes:
Tito: You know, this reminds of the time I was stranded in Port Said (that’s “Sa-EED”) with two drachmas to my name. I couldn’t get in the famed Kit Kat Klub known as far away as Madagascar. Boy was I redfaced, and I didn’t know why, you see, I still had a handful of walnuts an-
Vindicator: How is your story at all related to our present situation?
Tito: Did I say it was related?
Trauma and Vindicator and Goliath: Yes!
Tito: Uh, my mistake, forget it.
The hard earned silence was not to last, however, as a roar erupted from the bushes behind the house. The party staggered to their feet and faced the bushes in a unified front.
A voice from the bushes said, “You’ve eaten from my chocolate house, now I’m going to eat all of you. Say your prayers.”
Trauma: (whispering) Oh great Axl in heaven, give me guidance in this, a dark hour in my life…(and out loud) Want some, get some!
Goliath: You’re gonna suffer, punk!
Tito: What? (still some crisco in his ears)
The next thing they saw was the owner of the voice, a lion come out of the bushes and throw himself at the feet of the party begging for mercy.
“OOOOOH, you scared me,” he said,” I wasn’t going to hurt you, anyway.”
Goliath helped the lion to his feet (they were both bipedal) and calmed him down. The lion told the party his story:
Cowardly Lion: I was a good king of the jungle but I don’t have any courage. I really need courage. Do you know where I can get some?
Trauma:(distracting the lion) Uh sure, back home we have a place called Seven-Eleven, it’s got everything, I had one excellent slushie there.
All this allowed Tito to get out of the lion’s field of view. In a few moments Tito was behind the lion with his nickel plated, sawed-off shotgun poised. He raised it and <BLAM> <SPLAT> he blew off the lion’s face with a healthy (or unhealthy) dose of buckshot.
Trauma:(gnawing on barbecued ribs) That lion said he needed courage, I say all he needed was some salt.
Tito: I still prefer roast baby seal or koala bear stew.
Goliath: Or dolphin fishsticks.
Vindicator: Mmmm, I can almost smell the aroma of charred koala bear fur – we leave it on when we cook as a source of fibre.
And so, we leave our beloved heroes at their idyllic campfire where they spent the night dreaming of gourmet meals and loose women. The following morning they awoke refreshed and were ready to continue their quest.
Pocketing a handy Swiss Army knife he found on the scare crow (and a check for 30 million for some kid) off he was chasing the toad that was almost out of sight.
Cresting a hill he came upon a wondrous sight. There before him lay a valley of immense beauty and vastness with a bright green city in its midst.
THE Dragon: Gee….that looks like a stop light colour.
THE Dragon: I knew that!
They headed off into the Valley and soon chanced upon a slender being with pointed ears.
Elf: Omy Gods! Just WHAT do we have heeere? Aren’t you just the cutest thing to this Valley!
THE Dragon(whispered to C-9): Be careful, this is a Valley Elf. Got a spoon handy?
THE Dragon: To gag her with! Sigh…never mind. (To Elf) I say! You are just the bodacious babe in these woods! You must be excited eh?
With a swiftness that belied his clumsiness, THE Dragon whipped out that ever-so-handy Swiss Army Knife, flicked out the spoon portion and gaged the Elf with it. After a few minutes of helpless struggle, the Valley Elf sigh and gurgled her last word “omygod”.
THE Dragon: I really hated doing that, but it was either me or her.
C-9 was appalled at this mild mannered cross-dresser turned hard-core soldier of mishap. What ever happened to the quite little man he once knew… mebbe the good people of this world knew, mebbe it was the Koala Slippers<TM>, or mebbe this was natural…..hopefully there would be someone in that green city….
The Trio, consisting of one more person then the word “Trio” would seem to indicate, continued to the city.
Vindicator looked at the quite Trauma, walking several paces behind them. He was deep in concentration looking into his ever present satchel.
Vindicator: What ya got there?
Trauma : (looking up at Vindicator) Poppies.
Trauma : A whole bunch…
Vindicator: What in Koresh’s Name are you gonna do with those?
Trauma : I’m gonna make me some opium. Yes I am. (smiling like an idiot)
Vindicator: (shaking his head in disbelief) You are an idiot.
Vindicator caught up to Tito and Goliath. Too the side of the road, hidden by foliage, Tito spotted something metallic. Motioning to the rest of the group they devised a plan and rushed into the wooded copse. To their unexpected joy… they had successfully surprised a rusted, motionless Tin-Man! After a round of congratulatory handshakes, they turned their attention back to the momentarily forgotten Tin-Man.
Tito and Vindicator stood in front of it, trying to figure out what exactly it was. Goliath was relieving himself in a near by juniper bush.
Tito : Is it alive?
Vindicator: Its hard to say. But I do believe so.
Tito : What should we do?
But before Vindicator could answer, over to the Tin-Man’s right blind side came a battle cry. Trauma had successfully moved in behind with his Louisville poised. Attacking the defenseless Tin-Man, Trauma in a flurry of swings dented and dismembered the once standing and living (now very much dead) Tin-Man.
Vindicator: What did you do that for? (yelling frantically)
Tito : Yeah… we still have left overs from that lion.
Trauma : (shrugging) I was feeling tense. Besides I didn’t like the way he was looking at us.
[writer: TRAUMA - rolling... rolling... rolling through the story.]
The Vindicator sat down (a fair distance from the now dead juniper bushes) and pondered the situation. First… There was an inconsistency in the euphemism used to describe the group. Second… He had a gibbering, half-mad junkie who could bench-press him without breaking a sweat. Third… Tito apparently had the ability to produce a toxic liquid that could kill plant life on contact (maybe some of the plants should have agreed to become friends with him). Fourth… Goliath kept popping in and out of the story through that damnable “Magic Door”. And finally, Fifth… THE Dragon & C-9 were still nowhere to be found.
It was some time before The Vindicator roused himself from his contemplation, and by this time Tito and Trauma had successfully converted the corpse of the Tin Man into a pair of shiney belt-buckles, 2 sheriff’s badges and 2 pairs of spurs for their boots.
Trauma was leaning against a tree tapping a bottle of Labbat ’50 against his new belt-buckle.
The Vindicator: “Trauma! Where’d you get that beer???”
Trauma: “One of the monkey’s circling above us dropped it.”
The Vindicator looked up… Sure enough, a flock of flying monkeys were circling about 50 feet above them. Goliath narrowly avoided getting shat on by one of the beasts and he immediately began chucking rocks at them…
[writer: The Vindicator - I should have given ya an Orange POP!]