They watched the monkeys closely. That was their mistake. The monkeys had been an obvious distraction from the true assault force. From behind them they heard a cry. It was THE Dragon and C-9!

THE Dragon: Watch out!

Turning quickly they saw the threat. Creeping at them from all around were Mimes! Scores upon scores of Mimes!

And so… As the Trio are now reunited (THE Dragon, Vindicator, Tito, Trauma, Goliath and C-9) The direction of this story by no means any closer to being concluded or understood.

The battle raged… and the Mimes swarmed the adventures, and monkeys kept dropping beer bottles. Of course Trauma and Tito were faring much better then the others. However, these Mimes seemed to be unaffected by conventional physical beatings. In the distance a Mime made a motion like he was throwing a lasso. Moments later THE Dragon was roped and being dragged.

Vindicator was suddenly hit by an idea. Getting back to his feet and brushing off the coat, he frustratedly tossed the damnable scarf over his shoulder.

Reaching into his gymbag… digging past the towel, binaca and inflatable helicopter he pulled out several large…. fish! Tossing them to others they commenced in a counter strike that drove the Mimes fleeing into the woods. Running out of beer bottle, the monkeys also retreated. But not before pulling THE Dragon away at the end of an invisible rope.

Vindicator: We gotta rescue him!

A long silent pause…

Trauma : Why?

Another long silent pause…

Vindicator: I don’t have any answer to that.

[writer: TRAUMA - Orange pop... my ass!]

Tito: “Well how do you propose to rescue him?”

The Vindicator: “We could start by running after him.”

Trauma: “There’s a certain undeniable logic to that.”

The Vindicator: “Shall we then?”

There were several grunts and nods… Someone even said “Sure.” And the chase was on… The Vindicator, Goliath and Trauma were running at a good pace. Tito was trotting along behind in a jaunty fashion so as not to scuff his boots.

They crossed over a small ridge and stumbled into a large clearing. At the centre was THE Dragon, apparently tied to an invisible tree with an invisible rope. The Vindicator scanned the area, but saw nothing… Nonetheless, he was concerned…. This was too easy. Trauma took a step forward, then another… and another… Then he stopped rather abruptly and said “Ouch!”

He had apparently bumped his nose on an invisible shield. He turned around and started to walk back to the group when he bumped his nose again. He threw up his arms, but they were stopped dead about 2 inches above his head.

Trauma: “AAAAAAA!”

Goliath: “What’s going on?”

The Vindicator: “Sweet Koresh! I think he’s trapped in an invisible box! The mimes must still be in the vicinity!”

Just then Tito emerged from the trees behind them…

Tito: “I’d have been here sooner, but I love my boots! What’s Trauma doing?”

The Vindicator: “He’s stuck inside an invisible box.”

Tito: “Those Mime Bastards!”

Several mimes emerged from the circling trees and started annoying the Trio(?). One of them came right up to them and started climbing an imaginary rope. These mimes were bold indeed! C-9 started to short circuit, and Goliath looked like he would soon follow suit. Tito, realizing that he’d dropped his fish, decided that a strategic retreat was in order.

The Vindicator, in a flash of inspiration, pulled a pair of scissors from his bag and cut the invisible rope from which the mime was hanging. The mime fell to his death. The other mimes saw this and gasped. They regrouped and prepared for the second wave of the attack…

[writer: The Vindicator - Damn this is a handy Gym-Bag!]

And so the situation was grave for our heroes. The Mimes, their morale restored by their leader’s pep-mime, surged forward in a new assault. However, just to be on the safe side, a couple of big burly mime apprentices dragged off THE Dragon out of sight.

Trauma was caught in a Mime cage and could not move. Vindicator, Goliath and Tito bravely crashed against the line of Mimes, thrashing them with an assortment of fish that were conveniently lying around. Vindicator gleefully brandished a pair of Mack(eral)-10′s. Goliath was enjoying limited success with his all-porpoise assault dolphin, not realizing that it was a mammal and not a fish but still being effective on several mimes who didn’t know it either. Naturally, it was Tito who was doing the most damage. He masterfully employed a Louisville-Salmon which he wielded with both hands.

While Vindicator and Goliath were slowly wearing down the Mime attackers, it was Tito who cut a swath of destruction into the flank of the Mimes. Mimes fell like wheat before a scythe and he penetrated deep into the ranks of Mimes in a cloud of dust and face makeup. In the cloud of dust it soon became hard to see. He swung at what appeared to be a silhouette (sp?) of a Mime but which wasn’t. The salmon flew from his grasp (damn crisco).

The dust was beginning to clear and Tito could see several new forms cautiously approaching. He had to think fast. Pulling out his supply of crisco, he applied a liberal dose on his face and hands to make himself appear to be wearing makeup and gloves. By now the dust had cleared and about 2 dozen elite mimes that had been held in reserve approached him. They looked suspiciously at the unarmed Tito but were uncertain. Tito quickly lapsed into the Mime classic “Man Walking Against the Wind” and successfully threw suspicion off of himself.

Tito gestured off in a direction still partially obscured by the dust and the Mimes surged off into the cloud. Fortunately for our heroes, the Mimes stumbled off a conveniently placed sheer cliff and, since the ones in front did not vocalize the peril to their comrades behind them, they all obediently marched off the cliff and plummeted to the ground to suffer agonizingly slow deaths.

The few remaining mimes fighting Vindicator and Goliath saw these losses and quickly fled in silent terror.

The danger now having passed, the Trio considered the problem of how to release Trauma from the invisible cage. For his part, Trauma had contributed absolutely nothing to the battle but had merely tipped the cage over in trying to reach his sack of poppies that was just out of reach.

[writer: -Tito]

Feeling extremely foolish, Tito, Vindicator and Goliath hefted the Mime cage and Trauma along with to an up-right position.

Now came the hard part. How to get him out of the box? They stood in silence contemplating the idea.

Vindicator : You know… We could just leave him in there.

Of course, this was absolutely not even remotely possible because of Trauma’s vast importance in the story. Besides, Vindicator came to his senses and figured that if Trauma survived, he would more than likely not.

Tito : I have an idea.

Moments latter, they had pushed the cage to the edge of the sheer cliff (Kurt) and poised it for the fall. Trauma of course was defiantly screaming in terror as he so desperately wished he had some tin foil.

Vindicator : If this doesn’t work?

Tito : (waving his hand and nodding to signify his confidence) Don’t worry.. it will.

Goliath : Look! (pointing at Trauma) Whats he doing?

Vindicator : Looks like he’s miming something.

Tito : What’s he miming besides begging us not to attempt this stupid and dangerous stunt.

Vindicator : I think that’s exactly what he’s miming!

With no further ado… the mime box fell over the edge and crashed onto the bodies of dozens of dead mimes. It was still intact.

Tito : Guess it didn’t work.

Vindicator : How do we get down there?

Tito : (waving his hand and nodding to signify his confidence) Don’t worry…

Goliath was getting extremely bored… he was continuously being distracted. As Tito and Vindicator discussed the details of Tito’s plan. Goliath heard squeaking off in the distance. Through the trees he made out the form of a man wearing black and pushing what appeared to be a large cart. His interest getting the better of him, he wandered off after the man. As he got closer he noticed that the man was wearing a black hood with horns and a pair of goat skin leggings. Also the cart was actually a stone alter with four mix-matched wheels (baby carriage, Hyundai pony, a skateboard, and a broken ski) Goliath was compelled to follow this man… and so he did.

(So ends Goliath’s adventure (for now)… He will return later as always to join a new adventure.)

[writer: TRAUMA - Anton.]

Returning to the conundrum which was currently plaguing our hero’s…

The Vindicator rummaged through his bag and, grinning, pulled out a long cord which he and Tito used to rappel down the cliff (Kurt) face. Once they reached the bottom, Tito felt the sides of the box, but found no openings… It was evidently a strong box.

“This is evidently a strong box.”, said Tito, redundantly.

A look of stern concentration crossed The Vindicator’s face… There was an idea forming in there somewhere… Suddenly, there was a loud ”ding” and a broad grin crossed The Vindicator’s face!

The Vindicator: “Eureka!”

Tito: “I will not be pulled into that old joke!”

The Vindicator reached into his pocket and pulled out a rather large hole, which he then attached to the side of the box. Trauma was greatly relieved at this because, while it was not quite large enough for him to crawl through, it did permit him to start breathing again (which he did with vigor).

As the bluish tinge left Trauma’s face The Vindicator offered a suggestion.

The Vindicator: “Now that there is a hole in the box, perhaps it will weaken the box enough so that it will break this time if we drop it again.”

Tito: “Works for me.”

Trauma (who could now be heard) began to whimper and gibber and hyper- ventilate and do several other things all at once. Tito ascended the cliff (Kurt) and The Vindicator tied the rope around the box. Once secured, Tito pulled the box back up the cliff (Kurt) and, with a broad grin on his face, dropped it off the edge of the cliff (Kurt) once again.

Had he been asked, Trauma couldn’t have commented on the fact that he was currently accelerating at a rate of 9.6 metres/second per second (yes, that is the correct formula), but he certainly appreciated the effect of smashing into the ground. The invisible box shattered and millions of invisible shards could be heard smashing into billions of smaller invisible shards against the rocks. Trauma stood up (a little dazed, but alive) and merely said “Skiddlily Wah-wah!”

Black Widow walked by, said “Hello.” and continued to walk by, cuz she asked for a cameo.

[writer: The Vindicator - Have you filled out your registration card?]

Standing tied to the invisible tree with invisible rope, THE Dragon looked grim. He kept thinking to himself “I’ll make them pay…make them ALL PAY!” To whom he meant, no one could be sure.

THE Dragon: Hey guys! Get yer butts over here and mime untying me!

Vindicator slapped his forehead. “Of course!” He started walking towards THE Dragon but Tito stopped him.

Vindicator: What?

Tito: I’m in command here! Not chump tied to the no-tree!

Vindicator: Oh..sorry.

Tito: Get your butt over there and mime untying him!

Soon THE Dragon and C-9 were free. Now to get Trauma back up the Cliff(kurt).

Vindicator: Shall we just pull him up with the rope?

Tito: No. That’s too easy. lemme think a bit….

Everyone ducked.

Tito: I got it! Get me that invisible rope!

They searched around the immediate area but could not seem to find the invisible rope. They decided not to tell Trauma and fake it. They shouted down to Trauma and mimed and idea of climbing using the invisible rope. Trauma nodded and mimed the catching of the rope, then made his trek up the cliff(Kurt). Upon reaching the top he breathed a sigh of relief.

Trauma: Thanks guys.

C-9: Incredible.

Trauma: I know.

They all looked towards the Greenish city and decided that’s where they should go. THE Dragon looked around and picked up a solid looking stick for a club and started tapping it in his hand, all the while muttering “They’ll pay…all of them…”

Vindicator: What’s he saying?

Trauma: I think he’s read the Punisher Chapter in that book of his…

Vindicator just raised an eyebrow and they started there journey to the greenish city….

And so past fields and meadows and sunny valleys they trudged. Far behind them the small village of midgets and their damaged TARDIS. Somehow they all seemed to sense the end, and it lies withing the emerald city. They walked on silently, reflecting on their past adventurers, distant and more recent. Soon they would be going home.

In the epic origins of these Adventures it had been Trauma and Tito, blazing a path through time and folklore. Becoming legends from the day they walked down that wind swept street, on that dark and stormy night. Accompanied by various adventurers; Goliath, Pelane, Buster Bunny… Facing demons in subterranian realms, falling through the blackness of time to face the ghosts of Christmas, and travel to the ends of space as space pirates.

In time new adventurers came forth; Vindicator, Dragon and Blade… they battled societies greatest obstacles and England’s most dastardly heroes and villains. Now they have hurtled through time and space to arrive at Oz. Their journey is almost at an end…

In no time the Trio of four adventurers plus their mechanical chicken C-9 arrived at the gates. A commotion behind the gates stopped them in their tracks. Swinging inward, a gruff voice shouted. “… and stay out you wide-eyed, slack-jawed bowery-bum wanna be!” And with a mighty punt out bounced Blade! (hows that for our second cameo?)

[writer: TRAUMA - Tito... you have the floor.]

[ Ok, here's the conclusion (and it's a whopper) ]

After only enough time to briefly exchange greetings, the munchkin Stasi quickly hustles Blade out of the Emerald City.

Now the Trio stood before the great portals of the magnificent palace of the Wizard.

Their breathing quickened in anticipation of everything being put right by the beneficent Wizard. Could this be, at long last, the conclusion of their incredible odyssey that spanned space, time and even across dimensions? Would the Wizard decide to help these intrepid adventurers, who, at the cruel hands of Fate, have had every means of returning home thwarted, and every path strewn with perilous obstacles? Will the peace and sanctuary of home that has been for so long so elusive finally be theirs to enjoy again? Read on, dear readers, for herein these questions shall be answered.

The Trio, including Tito, Trauma, Vindicator, THE Dragon and C-9, stepped toward the gates of the palace when suddenly, they swung open again.

A wagon pulled by a team of white horses sped down the street out of the city. The wagon was itself a large cage and within was a very irate Vladimir Zhirinovsky.

He shook his fist toward the interior of the palace and cursed loudly,”…you bastards! I’ve been thrown out of better places. I’ll nuke you and your little dog, too!”

His ranting did not stop there, but were clearly audible until he was finally out of sight,” I’ll fix all of you midgets. I won’t even drop a single bomb. I’ll just bury all the radioactive waste along the border and then I’ll build huge fans and…” – beyond this, Zhirinovsky’s voice become inaudible.

Intrepidly, our heroes approached the doors of the palace. Instantly they found their way blocked by a dozen finely uniformed munchkin guards.

“Halt, tall, stupid hooligans!” ordered their leader.

In a flurry of motion, Trauma, Tito, THE Dragon and even C-9 were suddenly bristling with weapons, ready for combat. Even C-9 had a retractable gatling-gun turret installed by Vindicator.

Vindicator jumped between the belligerent parties and calmed his friends down,” wait guys, let’s not blow our chance to get out of here. There are also peaceful ways to solve our problems.”

THE Dragon sensed the superiority of this course of action and lowered his yoga-charged arms peacefully. Tito and Trauma were less conciliatory.

“No way,” said Tito.

“Don’t wanna,” reinforced Trauma.

“I get the feeling that you don’t want to end the story with gunplay. I refuse to let it be avoided,” said Tito, crossing his arms stubbornly.

The pair stood sulkingly and adhered to their stubbornness, their weapons still poised for the mass carnage to which they were committed.

“I’ll give you some gruel-flavoured pez from my Freddy Krueger pez-dispenser,” tempted Vindicator.

“Okay,” said Tito and Trauma, lowering their modern implements of destruction.

The munchkins, of course, were not in the least intimidated. Their leader, emboldened by the apparent cowardice of the Trio spoke again,” <SNIFF> Hey, men, I think I smell tall people.”

His comrades laughed while the Trio stood in disbelief. THE Dragon spoke to them, “Was that your best attempt at an insult? Geez, you midgets really ARE lame.”

This blistering verbal assault shut the munchkin guards up.

“Okay, enough of this,” said Trauma,” we want to see the Wizard.”

A panel on the gate opened up to reveal the face of an older munchkin. He spoke:”Someone wishes to see the wizard?”

“Yes we do,” said Trauma.

“Get a haircut, you wild-eyed, slack-jawed bowery bum wannabe,” was the eloquent response.

“Get out of the way,” pushed in Vindicator,” let me handle this.”

“Wait,” he said,” we must see him. He is the only one who can get us home.”

“Tough-titties,” the munchkin replied.

Vindicator continued unperturbed,” Our Tardis broke down and we-”

“A Tardis you say?” interrupted the munchkin, “Well no thanks, you see, we already got one.”

Some snickering was heard beyond the door.

“What?” asked Vindicator.

Dragon answered,”He says they’ve already got one.”

Tito stepped up, “Well, great, do you think you guys could give us a lift then?”

“Of course not, you are a pack of escaped circus freaks. Besides, you’re all foreigners you silly tall dregs of freakdom!” was the reply.

This munchkin was clearly much better at insults.

THE Dragon had a momentary premonition of the Trio being crushed under  a catapulted cow. Whether this was another mystical Yoga power or just the ability to spot cheap ripoffs of movies he had seen, he knew he must act on the knowledge gained.

He stepped up to the door and spoke, “We are emissaries that have travelled far in order to secure markets for our most important commodity.”

“And what is that?” asked the munchkin.

Taking one of the canisters of Crisco fixed to the bandolier across Tito’s chest, he held it up to the munchkin and said, “It’s our miracle lotion that when rubbed on the limbs and neck of a midge- er uh, altitudinally challenged individual and it will begin to promote growth within days.”

“Oh boy, let me see it,” said the gatekeeper reaching for it.

“Not so fast,” replied THE Dragon, pulling it away,” if we can’t arrange a trade agreement, we’ll need this to sell for a ether-hound ticket back home.”

Momentarily the gates swung open and Dragon presented the canister to the munchkin.

“Okay, I’ll take you to him,” he said, ushering the heroes to an elevator while feverishly applying crisco to his neck.

“Oooh,” he said to THE Dragon as the elevator ascended, “I can feel it working.”

Presently, the Trio were ushered into a great hall at the top of the emerald tower. At the far end of the hall, bathed in a green sunlight filtered through the emerald domed ceiling, was a magnificent throne. Seated in the throne was none other than JOHN WAYNE. He was fully dressed in cowboy duds and had his pair of hoglegs at his sides.

He spoke,” I hear you pilgrims’ve been looking for me. Well… here I am.”

“It’s the Duke,” the heroes exclaimed.

“Hey, we’re some of your biggest fans,” said Trauma.

“Not so fast, Cochise. You can’t go around my kingdom slappin’ around my subjects and wrecking haciendas like liquored up Pawnee Injuns and ’spect me to forget all about it. At least you did crush the power of those goddamned mimes so I guess I’ll let you off and give you guys a wish,” said the Duke.

“One wish each?” asked Tito.

“No, you greedy bushwacker. One for all of you.” said the Duke.

“Ok, we wish for 10 more wishes,” tried THE Dragon.

“Why I oughtta… NO! and it wasn’t even a nice try you lousy snake-oil peddler.”

“Ok, we just wanna get home.” said Vindicator.

“Is that what you all want?” asked the Duke. The others nodded in agreement.

“Good,I was going to kick you all out anyway but now I save having to give a wish. All you have to do to get home is cross that bridge out there,” he said pointing to a rope bridge spanning a patio over a deep crevice.

As they moved to the bridge, Trauma again tried to speak to the Duke, ”I’ve seen almost all of your movies-”

“No chitchat, now git before I change my mind,” said the Duke.

The party trudged slowly across the bridge that spanned the gorge. The depths below were concealed by mists. Across the bridge, however was a sight that amazed them. There was a magnificent city of mansions with gold paved rooftops. Lamborghinis, Ferraris and Maseratis lined the streets and scantily clad beautiful women waved and beckoned the Trio over.

“Hehe,” chuckled Tito, “I think the Duke is a nice guy after all. I think he screwed up, but what the hell, this is better.”

“I bet the Duke did this on purpose to reward us,” suggested THE Dragon,” I guess he is a good guy.”

The heroes quickened their pace over the bridge in anticipation of the lives of leisure and ridiculous luxury that awaited them.

However, when they were half-way across the bridge, they heard John Wayne shout, “Ok, boys, cut the lines!” and with that the scene ahead suddenly changed as the mass hologram was switched off. All that lay on the other side was a bleak barren outcropping with a dozen munchkins poised over the lines of the bridge with axes. The Trio attempted to run and fire at them but to no avail. The heroes fell from the collapsing bridge and plummeted into the mists below.

“The Duke’s an Asshole.” exclaimed Vindicator.

“A-S-S-H-O-L-E, he’s an asshole!” chimed in Tito and Trauma as they fell. Their equipment slipped from their grasps as well as much of their equipment.

The party fell for what seemed an eternity. They had almost gotten used to the feeling of weightlessness when suddenly <THUD> they landed heavily on the respective lawns in front of their homes. As their homes were spread across Burlington and Hamilton, they were out of sight of each other. Each was alone. Eventually they came to and found that no bones had been broken since they landed on snowbanks. Each got up and tried to locate first his weapons and then his friends. To no avail, however, none of their precious hardware was recovered and even C-9 had not fallen with anyone. All of the fantastic possessions were gone and our heroes only had what they had started with plus one minor memento of their great fantastic voyage.

Vindicator found a small paper bag. Opening it, he found jelly-babies and without thinking, he ate them all up before realizing they were his only proof of his trip. “At least I still have the bag,” he said just before a gust blew it from his hand and down the street.

THE Dragon found a back-scratcher inscribed withÿ”To reach the places even Yoga cannot reach. He used it to scratch his back and instantly it snapped into tiny slivers of worthless plastic. Shoddy munchkin workmanship, you know.

Trauma had a great prize. He found a t-shirt that had a map of their trip and said,” I went through space, time and even dimensions and all I got was this crummy shirt,” He quickly ran to show his still sleeping parents (it was now dawn) unfortunately he slipped on some ice and landed in a slush puddle of semi-melted snow. When he got up he saw that the dye used in the shirt was so cheap it was watersoluble,and the map and inscription was irrevocably washed away.

Tito picked up a shiny object half buried in the snow. It turned out to be a water filled glass globe with a depiction of the emerald city where one could simulate snowstorms. Tito looked at it contemptuously and dashed it on the street, smashing it while saying, “What is this? Faggot shit?”

And so, our heroes made it home and miraculously made it on the dawn following their first night of adventure where they hopped aboard the freight train. They had not lost more than an evening and were not frightened from future such trips.

><><><><>THE END<><><><><

Well there you have it. For all the fans out there… this has been a very interesting tale. THE GREATEST ADVENTURE EVER TOLD maybe concluded, but we are far from finished.

[writer: TRAUMA - Groovy, 10/03/94]

The Vindicator reached for the controls but not before the Tardis was surrounded by a bunch of lazy, slack-lipped greaseballs who started to tip what they perceived as a funny looking outhouse. Inside Vindicator was momentarily startled and lost his balance and hit a large red button that said “Obliterate”. Silence rung the skies. Time seemed to stand still, colour seemed to drain from the very reality of their beings and there was a bright flash of energy on the view screen. In the next moment, when the smoke cleared, the Cube was gone.

Tito(struck to utter amazement): Duhh, duhh….I LIKE IT!!!!

Trauma: I’m impressed!

Vindicator: That could come in handy.

THE Dragon: My, my…wasn’t that pretty.

Tito: Can we go to Disneyland now? Pleeeeeease???!!!

C-9: Umm guys…take a close look outside…

The view screen now showed an odd anomaly. Like looking into a mirror that had a mirror in front of it, the fabric os space/time seemed to have been pierced multiple times and they could see through an infinity of realities.

Trauma: Ok..so now what? We have a straight doorway to just about anyplace without random button punching. I say we go for it.

Vindicator: We just punched a hole through the entire multi-verse and you want to go explore?!

Trauma: Well…yes.

Vindicator: Oh…ok…let’s go.

So, slipping through the first layer of punched space, they ended up where no man(or chicken….or Dragon) has ever gone before…..

[writer: DRAGON!!!]

Passing the first layer was extremely painful. The shock to their system was more then they could handle, and they collapsed onto the floor of the TARDIS. THE Dragon pulled himself to his feet. The TARDIS was dark and only he and C-9 where their. The view screen was also effected by the power loss and so he had to leave the TARDIS to see where he was. C-9 rolled out after him.

It was beautiful sunny day and all around him was a small village. No one was about. He did notice however that the TARDIS was slightly tilted, which means they landed on something. Walking around the TARDIS he saw what it was. A pair of feet were sticking out from under the TARDIS. They had a pair of Koala Bear slippers on the them. Scattered around where pamphlets and flyers which read “Watch Tower”.

From behind him he heard a high squeaky voice say, “You killed him.”

THE Dragon spun around quickly to see an entire mob of midgets. His first instinct was to scream out a battle cry and thrash them all using C-9 as a blunt instrument. But he choose not to.

Midget: You killed him! Hurray! You killed the Jehovah’s Witness!

Before he could say anything, the crowd hefted him and C-9 over their heads and carried them into the village. Singing, “Ding Dong, The Jehovah is dead! The Jehovah is dead! The Jehovah is dead!”

He was about to confess that it was all an accident and he never intended to kill anyone, but decided he would milk this saps for all this was worth!

Suddenly out of the sky appeared Glenda, the Good Slut of the North! It was a joyous day for all the midgets when she arrived. Eyeing him up and down, she licked her lips. However, being repulsive, THE Dragon cringed.

Glenda: You saved the Midgets!

Mayor: Hey! How many times do I have to tell ya, we don’t like to be called midgets!?

Glenda: Oh.. alright. You saved the ‘Vertically Challenged’!

Everyone cheered! Glenda pinched THE Dragon’s bum!

Mayor: Is their anything we can do for you?

THE Dragon: Well… yes there is. I lost my friends and, it seems that my TARDIS is busted.

Mayor: To find your friends…

Someone else: … you must follow the yellow brick road…

Someone else: … follow the yellow brick road…

Someone else: … follow the yellow brick road…

Mayor: … and then go to the Emerald City and find the Wizard…

Someone else: … yes! find the Wizard! He can help you.

Glenda goosed THE Dragon again.

Glenda: But first you must take these magical Koala bear slippers. And never take them off. Or they will get you.

THE Dragon: They? Who are they?

Glenda: Why the Jehovah’s of course!

Putting on the slippers, THE Dragon was on his way to find his friends. And the Emerald City…..

[writer: TRAUMA - Yup.]

So, THE Dragon slipped on the Koala slippers and he and Toto, er… C-9 began the long trek to the Emerald City.

They walked for several hours when they came upon a skinny black man dressed as a scarecrow. The scarecrow was dancing and yelling “Hee hee!” for no readily apparent reason.

“Who are you, and where are you going?” Inquired Dragon.

Scarecrow: “I’m Michael the scarecrow, and I’m going to see the Wiz!”

Dragon: “Blast him, C-9″

C-9: <Insert special effect here>

The scarecrow lay dead on the side of the yellow brick road. THE Dragon quickly rummaged through his pockets, found a few things and continued his journey.

Meanwhile, in another part of the land:

The Tardis materialized on the edge of a large field of poppies. The door opened and Trauma, The Vindicator and Tito stepped out. Trauma immediately began to gibber and Tito stripped down to his jockey’s and ran through the field yelling “I’m coming, generalissimo!”

Once The Vindicator managed to pry the tinfoil out of Trauma’s hands, he gathered up Tito’s clothes and convinced him to get dressed again. They were just getting their bearings and were about to begin looking for THE Dragon, when a small dude on a moped drove up and asked them if they had any grass.

The Vindicator: “You some kinda midget hippie?”

Midget Hippie: “We prefer the term ‘Altitudinally Challenged’”

The Vindicator: “I beg your pardon.”

Midget Hippie: “No problem, man! You got some grass?”

Trauma: “No, but we have some crisco!”

Tito: “And Binaca!”

The midget, er… Altitudinally Challenged hippie pondered the situation and decided that he needed to ponder the situation further. So, he drove away in a cloud of altitudinally challenged dust.

As he drove off, an accuracy-impaired map fell out of his saddlebag. ”This could be useful.”, thought The Vindicator and he grabbed the map.

The Vindicator: “Hey guys… According to this map, there’s a large green city about 12 miles to the east of here. Maybe Dragon is heading there!”

Trauma: “Your point?”

The Vindicator: “They probably have women there.”

Trauma: “What are you just sitting there for???”

So, they began the 12-mile trek to the Emerald City… They passed many wondrous things on the way… Much to wondrous to bother discussing in a story as informal as this one is. But I can tell you that they were sorely tempted to stop in at a theatre they passed along the way… The theatre was playing Dragon: The Liu Kang Story.

[writer: The Vindicator - Making up for his absence...]

As the Trio passed the theatre which was playing the Liu Kang Story, the front doors opened and a figure tumbled out into the street. The Trio walked over to see what was happening. As the party approached the man (not Altitudinally Challenged) got up and shouted into the theatre,” you’ll be sorry for this you little faggots. I’ve been thrown out of better theatres than this! I’ll nuke your stupid theatre till it glows!”

Tito exclaimed,” Wow! It’s Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Hey, I’m a huge supporter of yours and I’ve always wanted to meet you.”

Zhirinovsky replied,”Well naturally, who wouldn’t?”

Tito: “Of course, but please tell us what happened here.”

Zhirinovsky: “Well, you see, I was here on a diplomatic mission and I had some time to kill so I took in this movie. All I said was,” hey, that slant-eyed nip is pretty good. I bet he could kick the shit outta about 20 of you little midget bastards. Of course, any Russian could shitkick at least 50 of you dwarf freaks without breaking a sweat. Apparently, the fellow patrons of the theatre can’t take constructive criticism and they threw me out before I could put down my popcorn to thrash them.”

Tito: “How awful, we should go and torch the theatre down for that,”

Zhirinovsky: “Ah, they’ll get theirs. Now get outta my way, wop, I got an appointment with the Wizard” he said shoving Tito and with that he stormed off down the street.

Tito looked at his comrades and said,” Vladimir Zhirinovsky actually shoved me. What a great man!”

Vindicator found the episode amusing and decided to shove Tito as Vlad had done. Tito bared all his teeth and hissed, “Touch me again and I’ll keel you!”

With the excitement having passed the Trio continued on their way to the mysterious green city 12 miles away.

[writer: -Tito]

The Trio walked for a while longer until the road became more twisting and the foliage on the sides became denser with trees and shrubbery.

Trauma: So what is going on? are there actually two Tardis’ or what?

Vindicator: Well, yeah, Dragon has the other one which is probably somewhere nearby as well.

Tito: I don’t understand how we got separated in the first place. I thought we were together and maybe Dragon slipped out somewhere.

Vindicator: On the other hand, that might be what has happened.

Tito: This portal business wasn’t fully explained to me either. My brain still hurts.

Trauma: Why is it a portal? why don’t we just call it a door?

Vindicator: (amused by the ignorance of his comrades) Naturally it’s a portal. It’s always called a portal if it is a result of a rift in the time-space continuum.

Trauma: (searching his pockets for tinfoil and laughing hysterically) “Damn, where did I put my portable cheese grater?”

Tito: (stripping off his clothes and twitching maniacally) Is that poison ivy over there? How about there?

Vindicator regretted having said “rift in the time-space continuum” and quickly corrected himself, “Did I say rift in the time-space continuum? What I meant to say was it was a magic door”

Tito and Trauma: (calming down)…a magic door? huhuhuhu cool.

With that they continued. They didn’t get far, however, they stopped in their tracks when they heard a rustling in the bushes off to the right.

[writer: -Tito]

Now I’m sure that many of you were expecting THE Dragon to come bumbling out of the underbrush, and to be perfectly honest… That’s what our hero’s were expecting to see as well. That’s why they were stunned when the person they thought was THE Dragon turned out to be Goliath.

Goliath: “Hi!”

Trauma: “Where have YOU been???”

Goliath: “I think I got caught in some rupture in the space-time continuum… Either that or it’s just one of the many inconsistencies that plague the writers…”

The Vindicator: “Ah shit! You said space-time continuum!”

Trauma lay on the ground in the fetal position, gums bleeding and cheese grater in hand while Tito rolled around in the dirt asking various plants if they’d like to be friends with him. The Vindicator slapped his forehead, then decided to slap Goliath as well.

The Vindicator: “He meant magic door! Magic Door! Really!”

But it was no use… This time they’d really snapped. Words would not suffice this time. The Vindicator started rummaging through his gym-bag which he’d been carrying all the time, but was never actually mentioned.  He pushed aside some cherry Pez, binaca and searched under his inflatable helicopter… finally he pulled out a large blue & white plastic tub of Crisco which he smeared on Trauma and Tito’s gums.

As their respirations began to return to normal, and Tito (unsuccessful in convincing a single plant to be friends with him), The Vindicator politely requested that Goliath not mention portals, S/T continuum’s, colossal negative space wedgies or any other form of paranormal phenomena.

The Vindicator: “So just cut it out, cheesehead!” he said to Goliath.

Goliath: “Can I tell them about the chocolate house I saw over the next ridge?”

[writer: The Vindicator & Gretel.]

The Trio (note capital must be used since there are 4 members) continued on there way and sure enough, over the next hill there was a house built entirely of chocolate and candy of all kinds. The party descended upon it like locusts and began to munch on it immediately. After half an hour they lay on the grass bloated with the sweets they had consumed and not feeling all too well. Tito was exacerbating the situation with one of his anecdotes:

Tito: You know, this reminds of the time I was stranded in Port Said (that’s “Sa-EED”) with two drachmas to my name. I couldn’t get in the famed Kit Kat Klub known as far away as Madagascar. Boy was I redfaced, and I didn’t know why, you see, I still had a handful of walnuts an-

Vindicator: How is your story at all related to our present situation?

Tito: Did I say it was related?

Trauma and Vindicator and Goliath: Yes!

Tito: Uh, my mistake, forget it.

The hard earned silence was not to last, however, as a roar erupted from the bushes behind the house. The party staggered to their feet and faced the bushes in a unified front.

A voice from the bushes said, “You’ve eaten from my chocolate house, now I’m going to eat all of you. Say your prayers.”

Trauma: (whispering) Oh great Axl in heaven, give me guidance in this, a dark hour in my life…(and out loud) Want some, get some!

Goliath: You’re gonna suffer, punk!

Vindicator: Ditto!

Tito: What? (still some crisco in his ears)

The next thing they saw was the owner of the voice, a lion come out of the bushes and throw himself at the feet of the party begging for mercy.

“OOOOOH, you scared me,” he said,” I wasn’t going to hurt you, anyway.”

Goliath helped the lion to his feet (they were both bipedal) and calmed him down. The lion told the party his story:

Cowardly Lion: I was a good king of the jungle but I don’t have any courage. I really need courage. Do you know where I can get some?

Trauma:(distracting the lion) Uh sure, back home we have a place called Seven-Eleven, it’s got everything, I had one excellent slushie there.

All this allowed Tito to get out of the lion’s field of view. In a few moments Tito was behind the lion with his nickel plated, sawed-off shotgun poised. He raised it and <BLAM> <SPLAT> he blew off the lion’s face with a healthy (or unhealthy) dose of buckshot.

<LATER>

Trauma:(gnawing on barbecued ribs) That lion said he needed courage, I say all he needed was some salt.

Tito: I still prefer roast baby seal or koala bear stew.

Goliath: Or dolphin fishsticks.

Vindicator: Mmmm, I can almost smell the aroma of charred koala bear fur – we leave it on when we cook as a source of fibre.

And so, we leave our beloved heroes at their idyllic campfire where they spent the night dreaming of gourmet meals and loose women. The following morning they awoke refreshed and were ready to continue their quest.

[writer: -Tito]

Pocketing a handy Swiss Army knife he found on the scare crow (and a check for 30 million for some kid) off he was chasing the toad that was almost out of sight.

Cresting a hill he came upon a wondrous sight. There before him lay a valley of immense beauty and vastness with a bright green city in its midst.

THE Dragon: Gee….that looks like a stop light colour.

C-9: Emerald.

THE Dragon: I knew that!

They headed off into the Valley and soon chanced upon a slender being with pointed ears.

Elf: Omy Gods! Just WHAT do we have heeere? Aren’t you just the cutest thing to this Valley!

THE Dragon(whispered to C-9): Be careful, this is a Valley Elf. Got a spoon handy?

C-9: Spoon?

THE Dragon: To gag her with! Sigh…never mind. (To Elf) I say! You are just the bodacious babe in these woods! You must be excited eh?

Elf:Ohjustoutrageious!Imustshowyoutomyfriendsandmaan!Thenwecanshackupinacutelittlep!!!

With a swiftness that belied his clumsiness, THE Dragon whipped out that ever-so-handy Swiss Army Knife, flicked out the spoon portion and gaged the Elf with it. After a few minutes of helpless struggle, the Valley Elf sigh and gurgled her last word “omygod”.

THE Dragon: I really hated doing that, but it was either me or her.

C-9 was appalled at this mild mannered cross-dresser turned hard-core soldier of mishap. What ever happened to the quite little man he once knew… mebbe the good people of this world knew, mebbe it was the Koala Slippers<TM>, or mebbe this was natural…..hopefully there would be someone in that green city….

[writer: DRAGON!!!]

Meanwhile…

The Trio, consisting of one more person then the word “Trio” would seem to indicate, continued to the city.

Vindicator looked at the quite Trauma, walking several paces behind them. He was deep in concentration looking into his ever present satchel.

Vindicator: What ya got there?

Trauma : (looking up at Vindicator) Poppies.

Vindicator: Poppies?

Trauma : A whole bunch…

Vindicator: What in Koresh’s Name are you gonna do with those?

Trauma : I’m gonna make me some opium. Yes I am. (smiling like an idiot)

Vindicator: (shaking his head in disbelief) You are an idiot.

Vindicator caught up to Tito and Goliath. Too the side of the road, hidden by foliage, Tito spotted something metallic. Motioning to the rest of the group they devised a plan and rushed into the wooded copse. To their unexpected joy… they had successfully surprised a rusted, motionless Tin-Man! After a round of congratulatory handshakes, they turned their attention back to the momentarily forgotten Tin-Man.

Tito and Vindicator stood in front of it, trying to figure out what exactly it was. Goliath was relieving himself in a near by juniper bush.

Tito : Is it alive?

Vindicator: Its hard to say. But I do believe so.

Tito : What should we do?

But before Vindicator could answer, over to the Tin-Man’s right blind side came a battle cry. Trauma had successfully moved in behind with his Louisville poised. Attacking the defenseless Tin-Man, Trauma in a flurry of swings dented and dismembered the once standing and living (now very much dead) Tin-Man.

Vindicator: What did you do that for? (yelling frantically)

Tito : Yeah… we still have left overs from that lion.

Trauma : (shrugging) I was feeling tense. Besides I didn’t like the way he was looking at us.

[writer: TRAUMA - rolling... rolling... rolling through the story.]

The Vindicator sat down (a fair distance from the now dead juniper bushes) and pondered the situation. First… There was an inconsistency in the euphemism used to describe the group. Second… He had a gibbering, half-mad junkie who could bench-press him without breaking a sweat. Third… Tito apparently had the ability to produce a toxic liquid that could kill plant life on contact (maybe some of the plants should have agreed to become friends with him). Fourth… Goliath kept popping in and out of the story through that damnable “Magic Door”. And finally, Fifth… THE Dragon & C-9 were still nowhere to be found.

It was some time before The Vindicator roused himself from his contemplation, and by this time Tito and Trauma had successfully converted the corpse of the Tin Man into a pair of shiney belt-buckles, 2 sheriff’s badges and 2 pairs of spurs for their boots.

Trauma was leaning against a tree tapping a bottle of Labbat ’50 against his new belt-buckle.

The Vindicator: “Trauma! Where’d you get that beer???”

Trauma: “One of the monkey’s circling above us dropped it.”

The Vindicator looked up… Sure enough, a flock of flying monkeys were circling about 50 feet above them. Goliath narrowly avoided getting shat on by one of the beasts and he immediately began chucking rocks at them…

[writer: The Vindicator - I should have given ya an Orange POP!]

Immediately following the carnage, our heroes looked around the room.  Sputtering wires and twitching forms made the only sound. THE Dragon deciding to use table cloth as a toga, made his way to the chicken wire fence and pulled down the now one-winged C-9.

Whiskey Jack and Stompin’ Tom apparently bailed before the explosion.  Picking their way across the floor, (and Tito picking his way through pockets, looted the bodies as thoroughly as possible.) The Adventurers came up beside THE Dragon.

Suddenly as whining sound, similar to that of the TARDIS’ dematerialize sound started. Startled they drew their weapons and aimed in the general area of the sound.

Fading into existence was a large bass! A few moments passed and the bass began moving. A door opened on his backside and out tumbled a man, who can only be described as a beatnick! He wore a tweed gray jacket over a white turtle neck. His trouser were extremely baggy and he wore a pair of rope sandals without socks. He also wore a black french beret and a pair of shades.

Trauma and Tito: Goliath!

Goliath: Skiddily wa-wa.

Vindicator: Great.

Its been years since Trauma, Tito and Goliath were together and involved in a continuing story… so this reunion was one of great importance.

Tito: Hey! Ponce. Where’s the five bucks you owe me?

Goliath: Ah man. I left it in my other pants, man.

Introductions made, Goliath proceeded to tell them his story:

Goliath: Well, you see. I was catching some rays on this planet, man.  When I scoped out this hot babe. She had long legs and heavy set of hooters. She came over and sat down beside me. She wanted me to rub somelotion on her BACK! (Get it?) I lustered her up and then she was all over me. Next thing I know is these five big dudes started ruffing me up! They said I molested their innocent young sister. Yeah right! Like with a body like that, I was supposed to know she was only 14! I escaped and hid out for a bit. Luckily I stumbled across this bummed out time lord. So I stole his Tardis. And now I’m here.

[writer: TRAUMA - Groovy.]

In the TARDIS, the now 5 Adventurers (Trauma, Tito, Vindicator, THE Dragon and Goliath) Nestled down for a long winters nap. Suddenly there arose such a clatter, they leapt from their beds to see what was the matter. Quickly they flew into the control room. Weapons loaded and menacingly waving. Vindicator turned on the monitor and they discovered they had landed. But where?

Suddenly materializing before them were three robed figures. The one in the center (and also the largest one) spoke first.

Big Guy: (in a high lisping voice) You have been charged with crimes against the Spirits of Christmas.

Tito: Save it.

Tito unloaded a full clip into the figure dropping him. Trauma followed suit and slaughtered the other two in the heat of excitement. Rocking back and forth, Trauma’s eyes were wide and adrenaline rushed through his veins. Starting to shake with seizure, the others rushed to his side. Tito grabbed Trauma’s pez dispenser and forced one, then two more into his mouth.

Tito: Here… put a little on your gums.

Relaxing, Trauma looked around.

Trauma: I’m fine now guys. Thanks.

Suddenly a disembodied head appeared in the TARDIS. Trauma and Tito thought to employ the same solution as to the last problem. However this did not work.

Disembodied Head: (in a high squeaky voice) You have been charged with crimes against the Spirits of Christmas. You are sentenced to rehabilitation. The only way to do this successfully is to experience Christmas through the eyes of children.

Vertigo hit them. It had to hit Trauma twice because he was still wearing the peril sensitive sunglasses. The first time was to knock them off, and the second was to give him that fuzzy feeling in the tummy.

Falling through that now familiar feeling of blackness, they sat back, jaded.

Tito: Hey man. Is dis da best dat you can do?

They landed. On the soft cushion of a mattress. Looking around they noticed something odd about themselves. They had been turned into children. Each wore the pj’s with the feet attached and the flap on the back.

Vindicator: What the hell is this?

Just then coming into the room was what appeared to be ‘mommy’ and ’daddy’. Trauma, Tito, Vindicator screamed! THE Dragon was so scared he pooed himself and Goliath cried.

The reason the two ‘parents’ received this response was because ’daddy’ was Rob Smith. Padre! The mother. It was quite obvious. Some two bit washed up hooker/stripper Rob ordered in in a Mail Order catalogue from Cambodia!

Daddy: C’mon you little bastards. Its time for school.

You see, Padre didn’t have a job. A real job that is. He watched foster children for a living. His wife worked late nights. Yes, this is gonna be one hell of a christmas.

[writer: TRAUMA - Ho ho ho!]

Their delicate senses befouled by the odour of the not so sweet smelling home they were now forced to inhabit the five grimly set about the task of plotting the demise of those they were forced to live with and those who had sent them here. But first it was necessary for a plan of action to be made.

Tito: I say we blow them all to hell!

Vindicator: Nah! Already been there nothing special.

Trauma: Did you see the ass on that Cambodian bitch! Ow! We could make a pretty penny by selling her on the street!

THE Dragon: Anybody got a spare set of pj’s?

Goliath: Oi! I say we call up the phone sex line and charge it up way up, Padre’s payin!

After expressing their lack of enthusiasm for their “parents” the five intrepid voyeurs, uh, voyageurs decided that the best strategy here was to bilk these saps for everything they were worth( not much) and leave this flea infested piss-shack post haste!

The five had formed their plan of action: 1) gain cash fast by pawning everything that wasn’t nailed down. 2) quickly shove ma out onto the street to increase the family income 3) make a quick visit to the mall to shoplift as much as they could and blame it on their wretched father. 4) find a decent set of clothes for fuck’s sake!

It was a fluke. The Spirits of Christmas managed to yank the 5 Adventurers out of the story before they destroyed Christmas. The error was that since their bodies had been reduced to that of 4 year olds, their minds remained the same. Only one explanation could be given – a greater power was siding with the Adventurers. A purely malignant and evil power!

And so we proceed…

Back in the TARDIS, Trauma, Marshal Tito, Vindicator, THE Dragon and Goliath along with C-9 hurled once again through time and space.

[writer: TRAUMA - I fucked it up... so then I saved it!]

Tito: “What happened?”

The Vindicator: “I think we were hit by a colossal negative space wedgie.”

Trauma: “Huh?”

The Vindicator: “You want me to explain? I know how much you love alternate realities and fractures in the space/time continuum.”

Trauma: “Never mind.”

Dragon was feeling his arms and legs… Then he moved his hands down his chest, stomach, back, hips…

Trauma: “What the hell are you doing?”

Dragon: “Making sure everything is still where I left it.”

[writer: The Vindicator - In a slump.]

THE Dragon: Hey Vind…you sure your real name ain’t Cliff?

Suddenly, before Vindicator swelled up his ego to smite the little man that THE Dragon was, a loud siren and flashing lights came on inside the HMGS Tardis.

Tito: Damn! Tell them that she told me she was legal before they put the cuffs on me!

Trauma: Relax! Check out the screen.

Goliath: Skiddly wa-wa

The screen lit up to show a most horrid fate that had befallen them this time. Outside showed a massive gathering of people in the most outrageous clothing and smoking these little things every five feet they walked. Beads adorned just about everything and everyone had hair down to their butts. Flowers bloomed everywhere and messages of “Peace” was in the air. Yes, they were at Woodstock!

With the sudden appearance of a Johnny-on-the-spot(at least that’s what it appeared to those at the concert) the lineup for the washroom started. People were pounding on the door and shouting for those inside to hurray up.

Vindicator: Let’s get out of here…

Trauma: Nothings working. Everythings dead. Not lights, no blips.

THE Dragon: It is a sign. We have a mission here to accomplish and Fate has charged us with completing it.

Goliath was just staring at the screen, absolute fascinated by the sight of all those people, joined for a single purpose. Do listen to their music, to express their feelings, and most of all to get high!

<Writer’s insert….how does he do that! I said one purpose and three appeared….sigh>

Goliath: Man, that is just too cool. I have died and gone to the great Smoke House in the Sky! Let me out…

With those muttered words he swayed out the door to join his brothers in Love. In doing so he let the hundreds of Hippies…er, expressionists into the extra-dimensional unit and the crew had all kinds of beat-niks all through the Tardis.

Vindicator: Oh just great! Whatever are we going to do now? We can’t kill thousands of them!

Tito just smiled and said: Sure we could. I’m game! Besides, I want to try out ‘Ol Betsy here.

Tito pulled out the shiniest gun anyone had ever seen. Double-barreled, nickel-plated and with a polished oak stock he was ready to rock.

Trauma: Where’d ya get that?!

Tito: Been savin it. Found it a ways back and modified with some things I found here. Don’t know what it’ll do, but one of the parts said ”For StarShips weapons only” It was small and it fit inside the stock. Heh Heh.

Just then Goliath walked back in.

Goliath: ‘Bout time you guys showed up! I’ve been waiting for years!

Trauma: Whaddya mean years?! Ya just left a few mins ago!

Goliath: What?! Have you been doing any of those drugs they got here man? I’ve not seen you since the last story ya stuck me in….I believe I was in the gutter…

THE Dragon looked at the view screen and saw an image of Goliath waling among the crowd of hippys, thoroughly enjoying himself….

THE Dragon: Umm guys…look at the screen.

They saw the other image and were baffled.

Vindicator: That’s not possible! This one must be an imposter!

C-9 walked in from the next room.

C-9: No he is not. This is the dilemma which you must solve. Both are the real Goliath but only the right one must leave this timeline, somewhere in the future you guys screwed up the timelines and if you mess it up again all of reality will be torn asunder!

Tito: Hey! Does that mean I won’t be able to polish my gun?

Now what will our heroes do? Are they faced with a a paradox of time or will they simple blunder their way through this encounter? My money’s on the second choice<G>

[writer: DRAGON!!!]

Screaming hysterically and gibbering at the thought of actually being involved in one of those space/time scenarios… Trauma pulled out a cheese grater and a sheet of tin foil. Jamming the tin foil into his mouth he began chewing and giggling madly. At the same time he started shaving his head with the cheese grater. Fortunately… Tito and Vindicator tackled him before he did himself any serious damage. Vindicator proceeded to slap some sanity into him with a glove. Enjoying the sensation, Vindicator applied a flurry of glove slaps until he was overwhelmed was the same hysterical screaming and gibbering. However, Vindicator salivated more and drooled all over his shirt.

Tito : And stay out you fucking beatnik!

Tito hoofed the last one out and slammed the door closed.

THE Dragon : How do we get out without letting them back in?

On the screen the line up started again.

Trauma : I think Tito’s method is the best.

Trauma reached for his MAC-10s. And Tito pulled up his UZI. Vindicator shook his head in stupified disbelief that anyone so violent as Trauma and Tito could possibly exist.

Vindicator: Why don’t we try subtlety for once?

Tito : What? Subtlety? Subtlety is for pussies and faggots!

Trauma : Yeah… and I bet you would like some orange pop too, eh?

Goliath #1: So what your chicken is saying… is that I don’t belong in this timeline?

THE Dragon: We don’t know. Its either you or the other Goliath out there.

THE Dragon pointed to the view screen. Goliath #2 was body surfing.

Vindicator: Our traveling through the time/space continuum with ‘our’ Goliath must have disrupted the time/space fabric and over lapped two parallel timelines.

Trauma: <gibberish> <chuckle>

Goliath #1: Well then what are you waiting for. Go out and grab the other me and lets get the hell back in time.

Vindicator: Okay. We have to figure out which timeline we intersected.

At this point Trauma frantically looked around for another cheese grater. Fortunately Tito was prepared and with a little extra unnecessary exertion, tackled Trauma. Tito alone couldn’t hold down the thrashing Trauma. So THE Dragon pinned Trauma’s legs. (But not before getting a boot to the nuts.) Vindicator reached excitedly for his gloves and tripped on his scarf. Goliath #1 rushed over and crushed one of two walnuts on the floor that had fallen out of THE Dragon’s mouth. Reaching for a clump of crisco he forced it into Trauma’s hand.

Tito: Here… Put a little crisco on it.

Generously heaping the crisco onto his own gums, Trauma relaxed.

On the view screen… Goliath #2 was engaged in some furious moshing in front of the stage. He was also wearing a purple felt top-hat with a yellow ribbon and flowers painted all over it.

[writer: TRAUMA - Yup... I would go with the second choice too.]

The Vindicator jumped to the control panel and pulled a couple of levers…. The Tardis made a sickening lurch about 30 ft. to the west, materializing right next to Goliath #2… Trauma opened the door, reached out and grabbed Goliath #2 by the scruff of the neck, and pulled him inside.

The Vindicator closed the doors and dematerialized.

The two Goliath’s looked each other in the eye for the first time… For a moment, it seemed that the space/time continuum might collapse, but it was protected by The Vindicator’s vast ego.

Instead, the two Goliath’s merely passed out… As they lay on the floor of the Tardis, farting away, Trauma and Tito sat in the corner and sulked.

THE Dragon: “What’s wrong with you two?”

Trauma: “We didn’t get to kill anyone.”

Tito: “We didn’t even get to maim any small children!”

The Vindicator: “If you’re good, we can stop at Disney World, and you can fire indiscriminately into the crowd.”

Trauma and Tito beamed a smile at no-one in particular. The Vindicator walked into one of the many thousands of rooms down the hall, where a door said “It’s been a mind-numbingly happy experience opening for you.”

The Vindicator: “When did the doors start to talk?”

Trauma started chewing tinfoil again…

[writer: The Vindicator - But officer, the fate of the world hangs in the balance!]

Happily the voyageurs continue in blissful ignorance on their quest. Little known to them a giant space anomaly opened up and sucked them off course. Vindicator was summoned by C-9 from the bathroom where he was fervently jerking off to a skin mag left behind by THE Dragon the previous user of this one of the thousands of stalls in the Tardis.

Summoned by the emergency the Vindicator was forced to quit his affairs in a hurry and see where they had materialized. As it was his watch he could not believe his eyes to find the Tardis had materialized within a rundown theater in the middle of the ether.

Moments passed while Vindicator summoned the rest of the crew threw the use of an old ship’s air horn he found. With a loud AOOOGAAA! The crew was awakened and formed up before the view screen. They were stunned to find a closeup of a weird alien looking blue bird with a large hooked nose and two large beady eyes surrounded by a vast harem of chickens pecking at the hull of their phone booth.

Music could be heard outside in the theater the band leader turned around and threw a massive gold toothed smile at the camera that blinded them for a fraction of a second all that the aliens needed before the Tardis was hit by a massive detonation in one of the walls.

Manaical laughter could be heard as a small lunatic ran threw the hole and into his type of heaven their armory. Beckoning to his comrades the boarding siren wailed throughout the Tardis- a series of tin cans and bells that Trauma had collected through his childhood.

After the little dynamite wielding lunatic disappeared into theTardis’ armory, the others stormed through.

C-9 <scanning> : Sweet Koresh! We are being invaded by Muppets!

First came Gonzo and his armed chickens commandos. Fascinated by C-9, Gonzo rushed over to see what this gorgeous hunk o’ chicken was! A quick taser blast deterred Gonzo from continuing his sexual advances.

The 5 adventurers plus the other Goliath tried to fend off the boarding party… but were overwhelmed by the onslaught of The Flying Zucchini Brothers and a Fish wielding maniac! Successful in their strike, the other Muppets stormed the breach.

Kermit and Scooter carried in the desk and P.A system. Stadler and Waldorf carried in their customary booth. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem lugged in their instruments. Scores of other Muppets and the patrons with their seats swarmed under the legs of Sweetums as he held open the breach from repairing itself.

Disappearing throughout the Tardis the Muppets infested their new home. Stadler and Waldorf set up their booth in the control room as the breach finally closed. Vindicator staggered to the controls and dematerialized.

[writer: Goliath]

[Ed. Note: Goliath's first and only big post....thank God!]

Recovering from the bizarre encounter… Vindicator checked the instruments of the TARDIS.

Tito : What the Fuck was that?

Vindicator: It was a temporal anomaly. We crossed one of the multitude of realities where the TARDIS encountered a floating Muppet Theater. NO harm done… but lets avoid another such occurrence.

Trauma : <gibberish>

Suddenly the proximately alarm wailed! The TARDIS was yanked out of plotted course and into the ether by an immense gravitational force. On the view screen the Adventurers looked on in astonishment. The cube was huge. Close to the size of a small moon.

THE Dragon : What is it?

Vindicator : I dunno? C-9, what do you think?

C-9 : Looks like a giant cube the size of a small moon.

Trauma : But look at it. Look what its made of…

He was right of course, he was an odd construction. It appeared to be a mass of slum apartments fused together into a giant cube!

C-9 : We are being scanned by some fairly primitive devices.

They looked for a source of the scanning.

Vindicator: There!

Zooming in they saw the primitive scanner. It was a long haired skid with a pair of binoculars.

Tito : Sweet Koresh! Its the skids!

THE Dragon: The Who?

Vindicator : No.. they disbanded years ago.

Suddenly the TARDIS was being hailed. The image on the screen was of a long haired skid wearing a ripped jean jacket with graffiti all over it. The background was obscured by smoke.

Skid : Like, surrender your ship, man.

He took a long drag from a small joint.

Vindicator : Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

Tito : Fucking welfare, poogie bastards. Try and take it.

Tito held his gun menacingly.

Skid : Whoa… like bad karma, man. Resistance is futile, you will be tipped.

From the background chanting started. “Tip it. Tip it. Tip it.”  Growing steadily into a fevered pitch.

Vindicator : Its time to leave.

[writer: TRAUMA - And the crowd goes wild. A brilliant recovery by the Main Man!]

As the TARDIS hurled through time and space the inside of the TARDIS was unusually quiet. THE Dragon was sitting in his room reading through his brand new Superheroing through Correspondence mail order manual. (comes with funky costume… which we will get to later) C-9 was offline recharging his battery pack. And his evil twin C-8 was nowhere to be found.

The Vindicator was toying with the TARDIS controls, randomly doing absolutely nothing.

After frustratingly confusing himself with the manual, THE Dragon came into the control room and sat down to keep Vindicator company. At Vindicator’s absolute annoyance of course.

Suddenly the doors to the control burst open in a futile attempt at making a grand entrance. There stood Trauma and Marshal Tito.

Trauma was dressed in his 3/4 length leather jacket and wore a pair of heavy red laced hiking boots. Strapped to his legs were two MAC 10s. Fully loaded. Tito was dressed in a black trousers with a white mambo shirt buttoned to the neck and a black vest overtop. Gold chains dangled from around his neck and across his shoulder was a satchel loaded with extra ammo for the UZI he was cradling in his arm. Crisco dripped menacingly from the barrel.

Trauma reached into his shoulder holster and pulled out his Spiderman PEZ dispenser and popped a cherry pez. Tito pulled a toothpick dispenser from his satchel and drew out a cinnamon flavored toothpick.

Trauma: Groovy.

Tito: Skiddily Wa-Wa.

With the two original Adventurers ready for action, its time the story began to progress.

[writer: TRAUMA - Oh yeah...]

Vindicator rubbed his chin. Looked at the panel again. He went back to rubbing his chin. Well wherever we are, thought Vindicator, we’re here. He wore the long brown coat and 14 foot scarf he found in one of the rooms. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out and chewed on a jelly baby.

THE Dragon came into the control room with C-9.

THE Dragon: Still no sign of C-8.

Trauma and Tito came into the room right after the waddling C-9.

Tito: Where are we?

Vindicator: The instruments aren’t sure. I guess the only way to find out is to go and see.

THE Dragon had put on his costume before leaving the TARDIS. This Super- heroing thing should be a snap. Snappy duds. Cool shades. And a Groovy cape.

Trauma: Nice costume.

Tito: Yeah. Looks cool.

Actually the costume was this; A pair of long red pj’s with the flap on the butt. A transparent plastic shirt with sewn on buttons on the chest. A hockey helmet with two bike reflector – one on the front and one on back. Two antennae made from stretched pen springs. A short red nylon cape, a pair of steel-toe construction boots and work socks. And to top it all off, a pair of multi-colored cycling shades.

Vindicator: Ahh yeah.

Stepping out of the TARDIS in single file, Trauma boldly lead the way. Tito swaggered belligerently, his steel plates clicking fiercely on the metal grates. THE Dragon strode out, chest extended and spoke in a deep, superhero type booming voice. Vindicator bravely tripped on the scarf into THE Dragon’s back. Inciting a heroic flex as THE Dragon took the credit for his first daring rescue.

All around them was space ships! They materialized inside a hanger/parking bay full of ships! Steel catwalks reached up dozens of levels. Coming to an elevator, they passed a somewhat sad looking robot, moping quietly to himself in the corner.

Vindicator: Excuse me? Is there something wrong?

[writer: TRAUMA - Groovy.]

Some insignificant time later, after the incident with the totally unimportant yet appropriate visual support – Marvin. The Adventurers entered the elevator and went into the Famous Milliways: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe!

Head Waiter: Table for four?

THE Dragon: Five.

Head Waiter: Five?

THE Dragon: Yes. My faithful sidekick C-9.

Head Waiter: Oh.

Nodding grimly he lead the Adventurers to their table. As they followed the head waiter, they passed a table with four people at it. Not that these people stood out any more than dozens of other bizarre creatures in the Restaurant, its just that these four happened to be part of the appropriate visual support category.

Sitting down they looked over the menu. Deciding what they wanted they ordered.

Vindicator: I’ll have the 4 pound steak and a glass of orange pop.

Suffice it to say, this attracted Trauma’s and Tito’s attention.

Trauma: Orange pop?

Tito: Would you like a chocolate eclair with that, ponce?

It also happened to attract the attention of several others around them, and filled the air with quiet snickering. But not so quiet that their intended target couldn’t tell they were laughing at him.

THE Dragon: I would like a Bologna and Mustard sandwich. With a tall refreshing glass of iced tea.

Tito: Oh brother.

Tito flicked his toothpick at THE Dragon in disgust. And then ordered himself.

Tito: I’ll have the 12 pound CHICKEN WING platter. And a chocolate milk.

He looked at C-9 and smiled and nodded sadistically. C-9 lowered himself further into the baby-stool that was placed their special for him.

Trauma: I’ll have the Surprise special… and a glass of water.

Trauma decided to play it safe with the beverage.

Waiter: How would you like your water done?

Trauma: What?

Waiter: Your Water.

Trauma: Not what as in ‘what would I like done.’ I mean what as in ’what the hell are you talking about.’

Waiter: How would you like your water prepared?

Trauma: Is there a difference?

Waiter: Yes.

Trauma: Well?

Waiter: Well what?

Trauma: The water…

Waiter: Oh… You can have it plain out of the tap. Ice cold. Warm. We also have it in several shades of yellow. Also we have it blended, pureed, grated, stirred and liquified.

Trauma: Ahhh… I think I will go with the liquified.

Waiter: Transparent or yellow.

Trauma: I would much prefer the transparent.

Waiter: Very good. I’ll be back shortly with your orders.

The Adventurers sat and watched the large window. Outside was nothing but endless infinite space. There was hundreds of people in the Restaurant, all chatting and drinking and eating. On the far wall was a stage and on the opposite side of the restaurant was a long oak bar with brass ornamentation.

They didn’t have to wait long before the waiter brought in four trays of food heaped on so heavy that it took two young semi-optimistic children to carry them.

Tito: Hey waiter! This is a hell of alot of food. What… its like you guys think the universe is gonna end soon or something.

Trauma: Hey! Taste this.

Trauma handed the glass to Tito.

Tito: Tastes like water. Why?

Trauma: Didn’t I specifically ask for it liquified? It tasted pureed to me. I gonna talk to the bartender.

Saying so he got up and made his way to the bar. Without warning somebody knocked his arm and spilt the contents all over his shirt.

Somebody: I’m terribly sorry.

Trauma: Nice going bub. Whats your name?

Somebody: Arthur. Arthur Dent.

Trauma: Arthur Dent? Your a jerk Arthur Dent. A complete asshole.

Leaving the man standing there, Trauma proceeded to the bar.

Trauma: Hey barkeep! My water wasn’t the way I ordered it.

Barkeep: Well where is your drink?

Trauma: I’m wearing it.

Looking down, the Barkeep noticed the twin MAC-10s strapped to his legs.

Barkeep: Didn’t you read the sign at the door?

Trauma: No.

Barkeep: Well it says “Check your Firearms at the Door.”

Trauma: And if I didn’t?

Barkeep: Well… are they loaded?

Trauma: Yup.

Barkeep: Drinks on the house, mack. (smiling)

Trauma: Thanks.

Testing to make sure the drink was liquified before returning to the table, he was not disappointed.

[writer: TRAUMA - Groovy.]

As Trauma walked back to the table, he passed, once more, the shell of a man that had once been Arthur Dent. Arthur was still standing where Trauma had left him. He was completely stunned. Apparently this was not one of Arthur’s better days… Trauma just grinned and continued his trek to the table, content in the knowledge that he’d totally fucked-up someone’s day.

Tito was ripping and tearing the meat off of his extra-large plate of chicken wings, while C-9 looked on in horror. Oh, the humanity.

The Vindicator, daring to tempt fate, downed his orange pop and smiled an orange little smile at Trauma as he returned.

Trauma: “Stop smilin’ at me, people will start to think you’re odd.”

The Vindicator stopped smiling and started pouring mustard in Dragon’s pockets. Unbeknownst to Dragon.

Arthur still stood in the middle of the room, thinking that whatever the universe thought it was doing he wished it would please stop.

Nobody noticed when the great Prophet Zarquon entered the room…

[writer: The Vindicator - Mostly Harmless...]

Still sporting the orange mustache Vindicator spotted a lovely three- breasted lady. She smiled back. Actually, she sort of giggled. Actually she out and out laughed. Vindicator turned back to Tito.

Vindicator: I think she likes me.

Turning back he looked for the lady. She was sitting at a table with a large man with three-arms. (convenient, eh?) She again looked at Vindicator and this time smiled sincerely. His face beginning to blush, it clashed horribly with the orange mustache. Suddenly…. sitting there perfectly still and embarrassed… he tripped on his scarf and landed on the floor.

At the same moment the Prophet Zarquon walked past that exact same spot and himself tripped over the body of the Vindicator. Head first into the next table was a terrible way to start your day. Especially when the table was occupied by two Vorgons!

Grabbing the Prophet they began thrashing him fiercely. Food and chairs flew everywhere. Vindicator was still on the floor, oblivious to all except his extreme embarrassment.

Trauma was getting fidgety as he watched the fight. Tito also watched contentedly. THE Dragon, however, was not going to stand for this. His chest expanded he strode to the side of one of the Vorgons and tapped him on the shoulder.

THE Dragon: Excuse me…..AAaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuhhhhhhh.

THE Dragon landed on another table across the room. As can be obviously foreseen, due to the chain of events established to bring to you this bit of violence, and with further encouraging from Trauma and Tito, this is destined to become the most widely talked about bar brawl in the history of the galaxy.

[writer: TRAUMA - Take it away.... YES! Vorgons! V-O-R-G-O-N-S! We couldn't do a complete rip off now could we? - hehehehehe pass the Sasparella.]

Swelling with anger and that air of heroic perfume, THE Dragon concentrated hard on the Vorgon that bashed half across the Bar. There was a sudden blast and the Vorgon was left standing with this huge gaping hole in his torso. THE Dragon was aghast at his display of heroism. He never meant to actually kill him….he sat down on the spot to contemplate his action…

Tito to C-9: Nice shot.

C-9: Thanks. These hidden blasters can be a nice touch at times.

Tito: Why did ya let THE Dragon think it was him?

C-9: We couldn’t have our most favoured comic-relief of the greatest story ever told get killed by a dumb Vorgon eh?

Tito: True. Any ways….got me some carnage to spread…excuse me

Tito said as he casually let loose a barrage of damage at the nearest ugly alien….

[writer: DRAGON!!!]

The coloured lights of Milliways glinted off the recently polished brass knuckles that Tito brandished as he laid a flurry of haymakers on the nearest ugly alien. Trauma looked up when he heard the glinting light and turned around to see the new fight that was developing.

The alien that Tito was thrashing was about man-size but a little thin, (Tito looked for ugly aliens who were weak-looking). Despite putting up a most spirited lack of defence and exhibiting signs of total capitulation he was still getting blows rained upon him from the giddy Tito. In half a minute, the alien lay unconscious on the floor with several plastic shards embedded in him (glass was hard to come by these days). Tito was praising himself on a job well-done when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning around he saw three more aliens of the type he had just beaten, but each three times as large. “you play with our little brother, now we play with you…”

Tito knew he had to think fast, reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a walnut he was carrying and while twitching with false spasms said,”…if I give you a walnut, will you slap me?”

This caught the aliens off-guard, just as Tito thought. “that’s the same reaction I got when I used that line at the women’s shelter,” thought Tito to himself. The delay wasn’t much, but it was enough to delay the separation of Tito’s head from his body long enough for Trauma to fly in the fracas screaming,”lousy fucking Arab bastards.”

THE Dragon was now trying to duplicate his apparent deathray power on the other Vorgons who were slowly closing in on him. Vindicator tripped on his scarf again.

[writer: -Tito]

Soon the entire bar was involved the fight. Chairs, tables, utensils and other patrons were being used in THE GREATEST BAR FIGHT EVER HAD!

THE Dragon was concentrating once again. But to no avail. Suddenly he was knocked over by several overweight women. To say the least, THE Dragon would be occupied for several moments.

Setting up on the stage near the beginning of this fiasco was a small band. Chicken wire was strung up in front and the banner read “Whiskey Jack”. However this was not the main feature.

Tito and Trauma were in trouble. The three large muscular aliens were joined by two more. And It was a sure bet the walnut trick had played out its usefulness. They got some breathing room for about a second, and then as Tito was trying to formulate a plan Trauma jumped back in swinging. After being pummeled sufficiently they tossed Trauma back and called Tito to come back and play. They were doomed.

C-9 was backed into a corner by a group of Jawas. The lousy little scavengers began dismantling his parts. C-9 couldn’t blast fast enough.

Voice over the speakers: “Hey Tom, ever been to Tilsonberg?”

Stompin’ Tom: “Tilsonberg? My back still aches when I hear that word.”

Tito and Trauma miraculously renewed in strength, marched back towards the aliens with a inspiring vigor.

THE Dragon as can be seen by the immense pile of large, fat women…was quite busy. It seems that one of the sewn on buttons on his plastic shirt was a Fat Women Magnet. To this, Vindicator was relieved, for he was no longer the designated “fat magnet.”

All together 24 fat women had piled on top of THE Dragon. Two more were being pulled into the room at that moment.

[writer: TRAUMA - Total Carnage! I love it!]

Trauma popped a cherry pez from his Hugh Hefner pez dispenser and Tito squirted a little Binaca onto his tonsils… They grinned at one another and jumped into the fray…

All that could be seen of Dragon was a couple of large antennae which protruded from between a rather large woman’s legs.

C-9 managed to escape the Jawa’s (minus his left wing) and was now tangled up in the chicken wire…

The Vindicator (standing once again) reached into his pocket and pulled out his keychain (which was feared throughout the land) and assisted Trauma & Tito in pummelling the large beasties. The beasties saw his orange moustache and fell down laughing (which left them wide open to attack). Trauma & Tito (being the dastardly types that they are) jumped at the opportunity. Trauma kicked one of them in the ribs until it started coughing up blood, while Tito demonstrated Louisville-Kwon-Do to another beastie.

The Vindicator went to the washroom to clean his face.

[writer: The Vindicator - Theresa wasn't fat!]

Reaching down to the rear of his costume, THE Dragon undid the button used to washroom activities and slipped out. Unable to see what was happening to his comrades THE Dragon climbed up onto the nearest bar and grabbed a low hanging piece of wire.

‘If I can’t use the costume approach…I’ll try the Indy-style as taught to me in chapter 5 of my correspondence text book’

Unhitching the wire from the wall THE Dragon (in the dismal crusade) swung down towards the rotund group of women intent of delivering a double kick to knock them out of the room. Unfortunately there were two things THE Dragon didn’t consider….A) he was leaning forward in his swing with his legs BEHIND him…and B) the length of wire was longer then he judged  and the floor met THE Dragon rather suddenly. With an incredible thud, THE Dragon was planted face first into the floor of the Bar(just newly polish last night) and remained there for a few dazed moments….

[writer: DRAGON!!!]

Fat women still were sucked in through the front door and piled increasing higher on top of the suit.

Shaking the effects of the introduction to the floor, THE Dragon stood up. Clad in nothing but his super-stretch Fruit of the Looms, he once again strode forward into the battle ground.

Trauma: Hey Tito!

Tito: What?

Trauma: This is starting to hurt.

Tito: Yeah. What do you suggest?

Trauma: We should leave.

Tito: Any suggestions on how?

Trauma: Quickly.

Of course this was impossible. The large aliens had increased their numbers and overwhelmed Trauma, Tito and Vindicator. And once again the three Adventurers got smacked.

C-9: This is really embarrassing.

C-9 was hung up on the chicken wire, while a Stompin’ Tom, kept on a stompin’! The Jawas closed in on their elusive target. However he was caught way to high for them to reach. Being the clever little bastards they are, they would eventually find away to pull him down. By that time, the semi-pessimistic and semi-naked Dragon would arrive to help his little side-kick.

[writer: TRAUMA - Pain.]

Dragon staggered to his feet only to find a stampede of female heffers flying at him at an impressive velocity… He immediately turned tail and ran to the opposite side of the bar. Dragon positioned himself perfectly so that the bar was directly between him and the shamu’s in training. They ceased their advance, but as the solid oak counter top which ran all round the bar began to splinter, he realized that something had to be done, PDQ!

Dragon threw his Super-Stretch Fruit-of-the-looms at a piddly little coward who was leaving the bar and the bovine babes bounced blearily out of the bar. As they left, the ensuing vacuum which was created by their speedy departure caused the heads of the beastie aliens to explode, thus terminating yet another dilemma.

How did our hero’s survive? Well, Dragon’s helmet was created to operate in a vacuum, so he was spared (joy). Tito had noticed what was happening just in time to smear crisco in his ears, thus creating an inverse vacuum within his skull. Trauma slipped on his peril-sensitive glasses and was oblivious to the whole thing. The Vindicator had his ego to protect him.

[writer: The Vindicator - The centre of your universe...]

Yup, I could listen to this all day long!

Click to hear: The Not-Very-Specific-News