Star Trek: T H E F I N A L , F I N A L P A R O D Y
Hi Ham Trekkies! Its been a while since I sent out some funny
Trek Parodies so here I am sending out one that I think is
one of the funniest that I have read in a long time. I had
to edit it so it could be Ham Radioable via packet. I didn’t
edit out all of the funny stuff only the stuff that were
business related parodies so I won’t get the non-human hams
annoyed with the humor hihi…. :-)
There are a total of 7 parts to this story so you will
know what your missing. Hopefully they are small enough
to make it via the packet network.
73 and enjoy!!!!
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: I wrote this parody in the summer of last year, and decided a cross- :
: over was the order of the day. Not the usual TOS/TNG cross-over, but a :
: SF cross-over from Quantum Leap to Aliens and Star Wars. :
: :
: This parody takes Kirk and Co. sling-shooting from one adventure to :
: the next, journeying through various SF/fantasy universes before :
: reaching the final confrontation with that excuse for a Star Trek spin- :
: off, the TNG crew. All that remains for me to say is that I hope you :
: enjoy this parody, and read on! :
: :
: :
: Edwin Yau. :
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
-=> PROMO < =-
Next on the SF Channel... They've been with us for over 25 years, now
journey with them for one more time (again!) - not! Yes, "Star Trek VII:
The Final, Final Parody" beams to your local Amiga next, right after these
commercial breaks!
Stewart.: Have you ever bought a used car and found it not to be "up-to-
scratch"? Then it was your fault. Used-cars are irrelevant. Buy
XXXXX. Resistance is futile. Other makes of cars are irrelevant.
You will be absorbed into buying XXXXX. Resistance is futile.
Call 555-5555-BORG for your local XXXXX dealer. All other numbers
are irrelevant.
Sirtis..: Have any of you young ladies ever wanted to look as good as me?
Then dial 555-1234-TROI and speak to Dr. Marina Sirtis on a
variety of subjects like face-lifts, lipo-suction, br**st implants
and so on. Remember, that's 555-1234-TROI.
Spiner..: Out now at your local camcorder store, the amazing new XXXXX UC1
camcorder. It has x16 zoom lens, auto-stabiliser and auto-focus.
All this with exciting hi-definition picture and stereo digital
sound via Hi-8 cassettes, it's a bargain at only #999. Just call
555-6969-DATA for your local XXXXX dealer. The XXXXX UC1 - you see
one, you want one.
[Fade to...]
-=> PROLOGUE < =-
Chekov..: Course heading, Keptin?
Kirk....: 2nd star to the right, and straight on 'till morning...
[Cue the slushy score from Cliff Eidelman. The Enterprise heads off into the sunset.]
"Captain's Final Log: This ship and her history will shortly become the care of a new generation. To them and our posterity will we commit our future.
They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no-man... no-one has gone before..."
[As the Enterprise vanishes off into the sunset...]
Chekov..: Keptin! The view screen!
Kirk....: Wha...
[Everyone looks to see the face of... Sybok!]
Spock...: [raises eyebrow] Q'ue et tu?
Sybok...: Spock - I'mmmmmm here!
McCoy...: As Spock would say, "fascinating."
Spock...: And highly illogical, Dr. McCoy.
Kirk....: Forgive me for saying this, Sybok, but... aren't you dead?
Sybok...: Captain. There's no time to explain. Let's just say this is my
katra, my living spirit - now we have to go.
McCoy...: Go? Go where exactly?
Sybok...: You must come to the centre of the galaxy immediately. It is of
vital importance and concerns the future of the Enterprise!
Kirk....: The Enterprise?!? What could possibly happen to the Enterprise?
Sybok...: You don't realise, do you? Look at this - it's the Enterprise-D.
[A picture of the Enterprise-D appears on the view screen. Everyone looks
away in horror! :-) Uhura gasps. Chekov, Bones & Kirk are stunned. Even
Spock turns a shade paler! Scotty suffers the worst, utters "My poor wee
bairns", and collapses onto the floor unconscious.]
Kirk....: Ohmygod! Then we're on our way. Chekov, turn to heading of 0 0 0
mark 0, maximum possible speed - I want you to push this ship
beyond her limit.
Chekov..: Course plotted, Keptin.
McCoy...: Jim, if you ask me, and you haven't, this is a bad idea. We're
bound to bump into the Klingons, and some of them don't exactly
like you.
Kirk....: The feeling's mutual. Mr. Chekov, engage.
[The screen darkens and a starfield fades in, the opening score plays, and
it is followed by the words...]
STAR TREK: T H E F I N A L , F I N A L P A R O D Y
OR, "FROM ONE SF SERIES TO THE NEXT."
OR, "SO THIS IS THE PLOT?!?"
-=> ACT 1 < =-
[Bones walks over to Scotty and runs a hand-scanner over him.]
Kirk....: Bones, how is he?
McCoy...: Well, he has a slight concussion...
Scotty..: [mumbling to himself.] That canna' be the Enterprise. Nooo way. It
looks like someone ran it over with a steam-roller!
Kirk....: Scotty, get a grip - we can do something about it.
[Scotty is led away to sickbay, still mumbling to himself.]
Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Captain?
Kirk....: What's our E.T.A. to the centre of the galaxy?
Spock...: Well, considering we are on a set in Hollywood, it would take us
forever and a day, but in movie terms, it's as soon as I finish
this sentence.
Chekov..: Keptin, look!
[They all stare at the view screen.]
Kirk....: The Great Barrier!
Chekov..: Ve are now entering ze Great Bawwier.
[Moments later...]
Chekov..: Ve are now passing through ze Great Bawwier. Incrwedible, it does
not register on any of my instruments.
[Moments later...]
Chekov..: Ve are now through ze Great Bawwier.
Khan....: Look, there she is..... [pointing at a blue-misty planet.]
Kirk....: KHHHHHAAAAANNNN! Where did you come from?
Khan....: The parody writer just put me in for that one line, Kiiirrrkkk,
I have to go now.
[Khan suddenly vanishes as he appears.]
Kirk....: Bones, get Scotty. We're beaming down. Spock, you have the conn.
[Quick scene change to the planet! As the trio materialise, Sybok appears in
front of them.]
Kirk....: Sybok, why have you bought us here, and what's all this about the
Enterprise-D?
Sybok...: It's true, Kirk. A plan so hideous I had to let you know. 70 years
from now, the U.S.S. Enterprise-D will be built and look like
this. [a holographic picture of Ent-D appears. Scotty takes a look
and faints again. Bones rushes to his side and gets out the
smelling salts.]
Kirk....: What can we do?
Sybok...: You must slingshot into the future and help a lady called Leah
Brahms change her mind about the design of the ship.
Kirk....: Ok then we have to get going. Transporter room, three to beam up.
Sybok...: Good luck, Kirk. [Sybok smiles before vanishing in a flash of
light.]
[Later on, back on the bridge and through the Great Barrier...]
Kirk....: Mr. Spock, have you computed trajectory for time travel?
Spock...: Yes, Captain. We will slingshot around the nearby star in a moment.
Kirk....: I see. Which system is that?
Spock...: Computer, please identify the nearby system to be used for time
travel.
Computer: WORKING... System is identified as... M-25.
Chekov..: M-25? Ohhh NOOO!
Kirk....: My god, Spock. Be careful on the trajectory calculations. Re-check
them. One mistake and we could be trapped in there forever!!!
Spock...: Captain... trust me.
[Moment later...]
Spock...: I am ready, Captain.
Kirk....: Prepare for time travel! Ensign Rand, on Spock's command, I want
full braking thrusters.
Rand....: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Rand... Rand... you look familiar... are you any relation to Chief
Communications Officer Rand on board the Excelsior under the
command of Captain Hikaru Sulu who will soon have his own comic
stories and novelisations?
Rand....: Actually, sir... she's my mother.
Kirk....: I see. Well, maximum warp... engage!
Rand....: I'm sorry, Captain, I'm already married.
Kirk....: ?????... I meant engage engines!
Rand....: Sorry, Captain. Warp speed engaged.
Chekov..: Varp 3... Varp 5... Varp 7... Varp 8... Varp 9... 9.3 ... 9.5 ...
9.6 ... 9.7 ... 9.8 ... 9.9
[As they slingshot around the sun, Kirk suddenly feels a bit funnier than
usual when he slingshots around a sun, and a blue-white light flashes around
him for a moment - a light no-one else can see. As Kirk falls onto the floor,
he hears Spock saying "Something's wrong... fire braking thrusters now!",
before falling unconscious.]
[Much later on, Kirk slowly regains consciousness and hears voices...]
Spock...: Doctor McCoy...
McCoy...: Dammit, Spock, I know.
[McCoy runs a scanner over Kirk.]
McCoy...: Hmmm... nothing damaged as far as I can see, brain waves are a bit
unusual, but I never really trust these damn machines anyway. You
ok, Jim?
[Sam turns to look at the person talking, and sees a man aged around his late
50s, early 60s, dressed in a red uniform with a gold insignia on it. Behind
him stands a tall man in the same style of uniform - Sam notices his pointed
ears.]
Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy.
-=> ACT 2 < =-
Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy!
McCoy...: What'da say, Jim?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... nothing.
McCoy...: Come on, Jim. You can tell me - I'm your doctor.
Sam/Kirk: It was nothing - really.
McCoy...: Well, ok then. You're free to go, but don't go straining yourself.
You'll have a bit of a headache for a few hours, but it'll pass.
Spock, you keep an eye on him.
Spock...: Indeed, Doctor McCoy.
Sam/Kirk: What happened?
Spock...: The slingshot seemed successful, Captain. I have Commander Chekov
checking our co-ordinates at this moment. Unfortunately, you
managed to fall out of your seat and knock yourself out. We should
return to the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: Yes, the bridge.
[McCoy and Spock look at each other, McCoy wearing a puzzled look on his
face.]
McCoy...: Are you sure you're ok, Jim?
[Sam, still slightly disorientated, sits there for a moment before he
realises McCoy is talking to him.]
Sam/Kirk: Yeah, fine doctor, just fine, really... I'm coming, Spock.
[Sam gets up, heads for what looks like a set of double-doors which slides
open as he nears it. As he walks through, he knows that he doesn't know
which direction to go. Taking a guess, he turns left, as does Spock. Lucky
guess, Sam thinks.]
[As they walk along the corridor, they pass a few women, who all wink and
smile at Kirk. Sam begins to get worried. They near another set of doors
which opens to what looks like an elevator (indeed, it has Turbolift 1
marked on it). Two women step out, both who wink and smile at Kirk also. Sam
is really worried now. Entering the turbolift, the doors shut and a voice
says "What level, please?"]
Sam/Kirk: Erm, let's see now... level...
Spock...: Are you sure you're feeling ok, Captain?
Sam/Kirk: [smiling] Yeah, fine, just fine!
Spock...: Indeed, Captain. [Speaks to elevator] Bridge.
[The turbolift stops moments later and opens. Sam steps out onto the Bridge,
a circular room with many people at what looks like various hi-tech computer
stations. On the far side of the room is a massive screen - a screen that
shows the Earth right in-front of them.]
Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.
[A man sitting in the centre seat sees Sam/Kirk and gets up immediately. He
starts speaking in a Russian accent.]
Chekov..: Keptin, I vas just about to call you. Ve have a big problem.
Sam/Kirk: I see - what is it?
Chekov..: It's when something is seriously wrong, but that's not important
right now. Keptin, ve have slingshot into Earth's past by meestake!
Uhura...: Captain, I've been monitoring Earth's frequencies. Their tracking
stations have picked us up.
Spock...: Captain, may I suggest that we move into orbit around the far side
of the moon as they will not be able to detect us from there?
Sam/Kirk: Erm, good idea, Spock.
[A few moments pass of silence.]
Spock...: Captain, shouldn't you give the order?
Sam/Kirk: What? Oh, sorry Spock, erm... headache's still playing up. You
look after things here and I'll... go and have a rest in my
quarters.
Spock...: Yes, Captain.
[Sam heads for and enters the turbolift. The doors shut.]
Turbolift: What level, please?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... quarters?
Turbolift: Please state officers or crew quarters?
Sam/Kirk: Er, officers' quarters. [Neat, Sam thinks to himself.]
[On the bridge, Spock is in deep thought. This does not seem to be the
Captain Kirk he knows...]
[On the officers' deck, Sam sees, thankfully, that each door is labelled
with the various names of officers. Glancing at each one as he walks along
the corridor, he finally comes to one marked "Captain James T. Kirk.". He
enters "his" quarters. Inside...]
Sam/Kirk: Al! Where are you?... AL!!!
[A woman appears suddenly from behind him.]
Phillips: Hello Captain James T. Kirk...
[Sam turns suddenly, and is grabbed by the woman and is given a long kiss.
He manages to pull himself away.]
Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.
Phillips: Why Jim, don't you remember me?
Sam/Kirk: Well, er... as a matter of fact...
Phillips: Come on Jim, the party on Tarius 3, I didn't know you were that
good.
Sam/Kirk: Well look er...
Phillips: Jennifer Phillips
Sam/Kirk: Jennifer, I really need...
Phillips: What you need is for me to refresh you're memory...
[Jennifer grabs Sam and kisses him again. As they kiss, Al appears.]
Al......: Finally found you, Sam. Just checking out some of the ladies here,
why some of them have the best looking... Sam, I didn't know you
had it in you. And I thought I was the only one with the good
looks.
Sam/Kirk: [pushing himself away from Jennifer] Look Jennifer, I'm very busy
at the moment. I have a lot of work to do, so I'll see you later,
ok?
Phillips: Ok... Captain.
[Jennifer steps out of the Kirk's quarters, blowing Sam a kiss as she leaves.
As the door shuts, Sam breathes a sigh of relief.]
Sam/Kirk: That was close.
Al......: You're telling me. I happened to be passing a few women in the
crew quarters and...
Sam/Kirk: What were you doing there... oh never mind - I can guess.
Al......: Sam, I'm surprised at you! It was just some... investigative work.
Sam/Kirk: Sure Al, I believe you.
Al......: Anyway, as I was saying, you have quite a reputation among the
female members of the crew. Apparently you're quite a ladies man,
especially in your younger days - still looks like you've got it
though.
Sam/Kirk: Al, will you just tell me what's going on! Look at this place! All
this hi-tech equipment. See this computer terminal? A lot of
things seem to be mostly voice-activated here. I don't even
recognise most of the stuff. No government could have produced
anything like this, and what's more, I'M IN SPACE!
Al......: I know. According to Ziggy, this IS a spaceship.
Sam/Kirk: You know that's ridiculous! No-one can build a spaceship this big,
and the computer equipment's too advanced.
Al......: No-one has... yet.
Sam/Kirk: What are you saying? That I've leapt into the future? - you know
that's totally impossible. I can only leap into the past or back
to the present.
Al......: Well this is the present.
Sam/Kirk: WHAT!
Al......: NASA monitored a UFO leaving Earth's orbit at incredible speeds.
They can't locate it at the moment and will just probably log it
as another unexplained mystery.
Sam/Kirk: So why am I here?
Al......: I can't tell you that - this is the present remember?
Sam/Kirk: Which means we're going to have to work it out for ourselves -
great!
Al......: [pointing at terminal] How about trying to find out who's who
first?
Sam/Kirk: Good idea. [sits down in-front of terminal] Let's see how advanced
this thing is... erm... hello computer?
[Nothing happens.]
Sam/Kirk: Computer?
Computer: Working...
Al......: Great Sam! Try some easy command.
Sam/Kirk: Computer, tell me the date.
Computer: Stardate 9530.8
Al......: [sarcastically] Great Sam - that means a lot to me.
Sam/Kirk: Al! Computer... give me the date in 20th century Earth calendar
style.
Computer: 8th July, 2295.
Al......: 2295! That's the 23rd century!
Sam/Kirk: Computer, can you give me the name and details of... this ship.
Computer: U.S.S. Enterprise. Constitution class starship, registry
NCC-1701-A. Property of Starfleet Command, United Federation Of
Planets, commissioned... [the computer waffles on...]
Al......: Ask for the command officers's personnel file, Sam.
Sam/Kirk: That's enough, computer... give me the personnel file of the
command officers on this ship, and I want the ship's log too.
Computer: Working...
[The computer starts giving out information of the command crew which Sam,
Al and Ziggy digest. Much later on...]
Sam/Kirk: Ok, Al, we know who's who, and we've read the ship's log - now
what?
Al......: Just play along and you'll have to figure it out on the way.
Sam/Kirk: Great Al, just great.
[The communications terminal comes on.]
Uhura...: Captain Kirk, you're needed on the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: On my way, Uhura.
[In the turbolift, Al appears.]
Al......: Sam, have you seen the women on the bridge? What I wouldn't do
to...
Sam/Kirk: Al, can you not think about the opposite sex for once?
Al......: Sorry Sam, just a genetic defect - runs in the family.
Sam/Kirk: I can imagine.
Al......: But you have to admit, it's a good defect.
Sam/Kirk: Look Al, I doubt if I'm here to warp around the galaxy in Kirk's
body.
Al......: Don't worry, Sam, something's bound to happen soon, and then you
can carry on leaping around.
[The turbolift comes to a halt and the doors slide open. Al and Sam step
out.]
Spock...: Ah, Captain, the new calculations for the slingshot have been
computed - I can assure you that they are accurate.
Sam/Kirk: Helm, prepare for maximum warp...
[Ziggy starts bleeping madly. Al shouts to Sam.]
Al......: Sam, Chekov's console!
[Sam suddenly notices sparks flying out from Chekov's console.]
Sam/Kirk: Chekov! [Sam dives from Chekov and grabs him, pulling him away,
just as there is an small explosion.]
Chekov..: Keptin, you saved my life.
Sam/Kirk: I did?
Al......: Sam, that's probably it, you had to save Chekov.
Sam/Kirk: Spock, check that console.
Spock...: Yes, Captain. I surmise that there is a 99.352345% chance that it
was a short circuit that caused the explosion. I will run a
diagnostic on the console to confirm this.
[An hour later.]
Spock...: All systems running 100%, Captain.
Sam/Kirk: Then let's get going. Ensign Rand, engage.
[As the Enterprise reaches warp speed, Sam feels a slight tingling, and a
familiar blue-white light envelopes him.]
-=> ACT 3 < =-
Kirk....: What happened?
Spock...: I'm sorry, Captain?
Kirk....: We did slingshot successfully, didn't we?
Spock...: Captain, we ended up in Earth's past, but we have tried the
slingshot again - I am confident that everything is correct now.
Kirk....: Well that must have just been a weird dream about this laboratory
I had.
Spock...: Possibly, Captain, though I doubt it. However, we have more
pressing matters at this moment.
Kirk....: Correct, Spock. Check our co-ordinates.
[Moments later.]
Spock...: Captain, computers do not recognise this system at all. It...
[Suddenly the red alert goes off.]
Chekov..: Keptin, 2 unidentified wessels have appeared from varp... I think.
Kirk....: You think?
Chekov..: Vell, it does not look like varp power that they are using.
Spock...: Captain, the unidentified vessels are over 4 times our length and
width. Each ship's mass is approximately 64 times greater than our
own - they are using a form of energy, type unknown, power unknown.
Kirk....: Really, Spock, that sort of information went out when we did the
original series. We only allowed it in Star Trek - The Motion
Picture for old times sake. [aside] by the way Trekkers, the first
5 movies are now available as a set in widescreen format for
#XXXXX at your local video sell-through store! But enough of that,
Uhura, signal the ships.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. Unidentified vessel, this is the U.S.S. Enterprise,
please identify yourselves.
Chekov..: Keptin, they are heading towards us... I've checked our ship's
library - unfortunately, "Jane's Book of Unidentified Spaceships" -
[aside] only #XXXXX at any XXXX XXXXXX or your local bookstore -
has no listing for a spaceship the shape of a wedge of cheese.
Kirk....: This is damn peculiar - Chekov, red alert, raise shields. I don't
want to be caught out like last time in Star Trek II.
Chekov..: [at helm] Yes, ve all know what happened then.
Kirk....: Ok, ok, so I made a mistake. Let's just forget about it!
Uhura...: Captain, the ship is responding to our hail.
Kirk....: On screen, please.
[A man in a black uniform with a helmet on starts to speak in a booming
voice.]
Vader...: This is Lord Vader of the Imperial Star Destroyers Vantoon and
Gandor - identify yourselves.
Kirk....: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We are
from the United Federation Of Planets. We come in peace, we er...
seem to be lost.
Vader...: I do not recognise any United Federation Of Planets. We are
commandeering your ship - you will not resist us, or you will die.
Kirk....: Let's not get too hasty now - can't we negotiate?
Vader...: Surrender your ship and prepare to be boarded, rebels.
Kirk....: Rebels? I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Vader...: Then prepare to feel the power of the force.
Kirk....: The what?
[Suddenly Kirk feels like someone is strangling him. He begins to choke and
falls back onto his seat.]
Kirk....: *cough* *choke* *gasp* Chekov...fire *choke* phasers
[Phaser fire flys from the Enterprise and slams into the side of the Gandor.
On board the Imperial ship...]
Falton..: Lord Vader, the Gandor's deflector shields have sustained 32%
damage!
Vader...: What! Return fire Commander Falton.
[The Vantoon fires and particle beams hit the Enterprise's saucer section.
On board the Enterprise, Kirk is able to breathe properly.]
Kirk....: What did he do?
Spock...: I suspect that he has some form of telekinetic ability.
Kirk....: [smiling weakly] Just like the good old days, hey Spock?
Spock...: Indeed, Captain.
Kirk....: What's our shield status?
Spock...: Only 8% damage to shields, Captain. They use a form of particle
beams which are inferior to our phasers. I have analyzed their
ships and have managed to ascertain that they use two forms of
energy. One is a powerful ion drive, and the other is a form of
hyper-space.
Kirk....: Hyper-space? Is that possible?
Spock...: Theoretically, yes, by mixing enough matter with kinetic energy,
but it proved too complicated for our scientists, and was
abandoned in favour of warp technology in the 21st century.
[The Enterprise is hit by the Gandor this time.]
Kirk....: This is getting damn annoying.
Chekov..: Shields down 15%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Chekov, I want maximum fire - I want their shields down, and I
want it down yesterday.
Chekov..: Aye, Keptin. Phasers locked!
Kirk....: Fire!
[The Gandor rocks under the Enterprise's phaser fire.]
Chekov..: Their Gandor's shields are down, Keptin!... The Vantoon is firing
again.
[The Enterprise is hit.]
Chekov..: Shields down 22%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Battle speed - fire!
[The Enterprise flies round the Gandor and fires - the Gandor's shields
collapse and the bridge blows up. A series of small explosions lead to a
large one - the ship explodes. Back on the Vantoon.]
Vader...: You have failed me Commander Falton.
Falton..: I'm... sorry, Lord Vader. *choke*
Vader...: It is for the last time, Commander.
Falton..: *gasp* *choke*
Vader...: Commander Oftel, you are in-charge now.
Oftel...: Y-Yes, Lord Vader.
[As Falton falls dead at Oftel's side, the Vantoon rocks under multiple
phaser fire from the Enterprise.]
Officer.: Commander Oftel - shields are at 46%! One more shot and... sir,
the Death Star is approaching.
Oftel...: Excellent. We will show these rebel scum the power of the mighty
Empire.
[Phaser fire rocks the Vantoon again.]
Spock...: The Gandor has been destroyed - the Vantoon is heavily damaged.
Its' shields are at 17%.
Kirk....: Uhura, signal the ship - tell them that I'm asking for their
surrender.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. [starts signalling the ship.] This is the U.S.S.
Enterprise - we order you to surrender your vessel... respond
please.
Spock...: Captain, a new signal has entered long range sensors.
Kirk....: What is it?
Spock...: Sensors say a spherical ship over 6 miles in diameter. Heavily
armoured and with a very large ion cannon, with more than enough
power to obliterate a planet. It will be in firing range in 30
minutes.
Kirk....: That's not good news, Spock. Scotty...
[Down in engineering Scotty, who is adjusting and phaser couplings, grumbles
and touches a key on the nearby comm panel.]
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk....: Scotty, I need you to re-design the phasers to give us enough
power to destroy a heavily armoured ship about 6 miles in
diameter.
Scotty..: But Cap'n, ye' know that's nay enough time - it'll take 2 weeks to
figure out the circuits and matrix for it. An' we'll have to use
the main deflector dish.
Kirk....: I need it in 25 minutes or we're all dead.
Scotty..: In that case I can have it ready in 29 minutes.
Kirk....: You've got 27 minutes.
Scotty..: Throw in two weeks extra shore leave and you have a deal.
Kirk....: It's a deal then. Kirk out.
[The Enterprise shudders under fire from the Vantoon.]
Spock...: Shields at 70%.
Kirk....: Spock, start calculations for another slingshot, just in case.
Spock...: Captain. The ship has disappeared from long range sensors.
Kirk....: Hyper-space?
Spock...: A distinct possibility.
Kirk....: E.T.A.?
Spock...: Approximately 2 minutes 23.45745 seconds.
Kirk....: Great, just great. Scotty?
[Down in engineering.]
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A slight change to plan. I need the phasers in 2 minutes.
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n, but it'll cost you an extra two weeks shore leave and
double pay for a month.
Kirk....: You got it.
Scotty..: Everything will be ready in just over a minute. Scott out. [aside]
little does he know fellow parody readers, I've been watching 20th
century episodes of Blue Peter, and here's the circuits I prepared
earlier made out of four cardboard toilet rolls, two baking trays,
two washing-up bottles and sticky-back tape. Just plug them into
the existing circuitry and... voila. Scott to bridge...
Kirk....: Kirk here.
Scotty..: All done, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A miracle, Scotty.
Scotty..: Aye, that it is, Cap'n, that it is...
[Back on the Vantoon.]
Oftel...: Lord Vader, the Death Star has come out of hyper-space.
Vader...: Excellent. Tell Governor Zolt to fire when ready.
[A quick scene change back to the bridge of the Enterprise.]
Spock...: Captain, the ship has appeared out of hyper-space. There is an
enormous energy build-up. It is getting ready to fire.
Kirk....: Chekov, channel all power to the main deflector dish and lock onto
that ship. As soon as you've fired, I want warp 9.8 to a distance
of 1 million miles away from this point away from the explosion.
Chekov..: All ready, Keptin.
Kirk....: FIRE!
[An orange-blue-white beam races across space and slams straight into the
middle of the Death Star, and a moment later, comes straight out the other
side. The Enterprise goes into warp and vanishes into the distance just as
the Death Star explodes, taking the Vantoon with it.]
Kirk...: Well, that's that little episode dealt with. Spock, are we ready
for that slingshot again?
Spock..: All systems fully functional, Captain.
Kirk...: Chekov, warp 10!
[The Enterprise warps off around the nearest star, hopefully to their
correct destination, but I doubt it...]
-=> ACT 4 < =-
Kirk....: Spock?
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain. Checking co-ordinates now...
Kirk....: Well...?
Spock...: If I were human, I'd say... do you want the good news or the bad
news?
Kirk....: Give me the good news.
Spock...: The good news is, we are in the correct star system.
Kirk....: Then what's the bad news?
Spock...: Wrong time period again.
McCoy...: Spock, are you sure you're fully recovered from the mind-meld with
me back in Star Trek III? It's not like you to make mistakes.
Spock...: I am perfectly aware of the difficulties of slingshot calculations
Doctor, however, there have been nothing wrong with my
calculations at all.
[The turbolift doors opens and Scotty steps out.]
Scotty..: Cap'n, my poor wee bairns are being stretched too far. The
dilithium crystals canna' take much more.
Kirk....: Well, unless the computers are malfunctioning somehow, I can't see
why we keep ending up in the wrong place. Scotty, check Spock's
console - maybe there's a fault in it.
Scotty..: Ok, Cap'n, but I can tell you now, ever since they installed the
new Intel trans-dimensional molecular crystal chips in that thing
back in Starbase 29, things have been slightly "off". If you ask
me, and you haven't, these new chips haven't even been field-
tested - they're a bit of a orange.
Spock...: I believe the correct term is "lemon", Mr. Scott.
Scotty..: Apples, bananas, what's the difference? Who cares? I'll just
replace them with the older molecular chips - I have a few spare
back in engineering.
Spock...: Captain, something's just appeared in long range sensors - a small
oval-shaped object about .651231 meters tall, and .45234 meters
wide. Sensors register an unidentified life-form.
Kirk....: Is it dangerous?
Spock...: No weapons detected of any sort.
Kirk....: Uhura, call transporter room 1 and have them beam the object into
science lab 1 for analysis, then call Doctor McCoy and a security
team to meet me there.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Spock, come with me. Mr. Chekov, you have the conn.
[Later, down in Science Lab 1.]
McCoy...: Well Jim, put basically, as far as I can tell there is a small
10-legged creature with a long 50cm tail inside. It has potent
sulphuric acid for blood and it's still alive.
Kirk....: Is it intelligent?
McCoy...: I don't know.
Kirk....: Should we open it?
McCoy...: I don't think we have to.
Kirk....: Why?
McCoy...: It's opening itself - look!
[The top of the egg opens. Kirk moves forward...]
Spock...: I suggest caution, Captain.
Kirk....: Good idea, Spock. Security, set phasers on kill, shoot only if
necessary. [To alien] We come in peace!
[The alien suddenly bursts from its egg and jumps onto one of the security
officers.]
Kirk....: Don't shoot, it's on Lt. Expend'able. [Ed: I'll give you readers
one guess what's going to happen to a security officer with a name
like this - and it's not good news :-) ]
[Lt. Expend'able falls onto the floor unconscious.]
Kirk....: Bones, can you help him?
McCoy...: I'm a doctor, not a... oh, sorry!
[McCoy rushes forward with his hand-scanner.]
McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Oh, sorry - wrong page. I get so used to saying
that! Now where was I? Ah, yes. He's alive, Jim... barely. We'd
better get him to sick-bay quick.
[A quick scene change. 8 hours later in sick-bay...]
Kirk....: Bones, how's the patient?
McCoy...: Not too good. As far as I can tell, the creature has implanted an
embryo into the Lt. Expend'able's body. I daren't operate as I
don't know what will happen - in all likelihood, he'll die.
[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]
Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!
McCoy...: Pulaski? That name sounds familiar.
Kirk....: Didn't you deliver her sister-in-law's baby boy a couple of years
back? You met him again a few weeks ago. You know, the kid who
said that when he's a dad, he's going to call his son after you,
and his daughter Katherine. Funny name to call his son though. I
mean, "After You" is hardly a name, is it?
McCoy...: Very funny, Jim. Actually, I remember now. I delivered two baby
boys that night. One was Nurse Pulaski's sister-in-law's child,
and the other was Nurse Crusher's child. I met both kids 3 weeks
ago. What was Crusher kid's name...? John, I think. Yes, he said
that he was going to marry too and call his daughter Beverly. I
wonder if it'll all happen? BUT, this is all irrelevant to the
plot - the writer's only put this into the parody to fill up space
and link us all together somehow. Dumb idea if you ask me!
Edwin...: Hey, I heard that!
De.Kelly: So what - it's not like I'm getting paid to do this!
Edwin...: I'm the one using up my precious time doing this. You're not even
real!
De.Kelly: Oh yeah, well I don't have to take this. You can't do anything! I
have an agent!
Edwin...: Look, I'm in-charge. I can have you killed off in an instant!
De.Kelly: You can't do that, it's against Paramount's rules - no deaths of
any major character.
Edwin...: But you forget, this isn't going to Paramount, AND it's a parody -
anything can happen in a parody. I can kill off and bring back to
life anybody! I decide what happens! It's like being God!
De.Kelly: Listen you, I've just about had it with parodies. You know where
you can put your parodies...
Edwin...: Right, that's it...
[Suddenly there is an explosion and the ship rocks. McCoy falls and smashes
his head on a table. He falls onto the floor, his neck broken.]
Shatner.: Oh my lord, what have you done?
Edwin...: I've killed him.
Shatner.: But how can we go on without him?
Edwin...: Don't worry, it's just to prove a point - I'll just turn back time
to the point when Christine Chapel comes in, and we can start
again, ok?
Shatner.: Ok.
Edwin...: Right, now to bring Bones to life... get it? Bones to life? Ok
then - bad joke, forget it. You ok now De?
De.Kelly: Yeah, sorry.
Edwin...: Yeah, I'm sorry too - all's forgiven. Back to the plot...
[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]
Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!
[They all dash to Lt. Expend'able's bed.]
Kirk....: Where's the creature?
Pulaski.: *SCREAMS* AAARRRGGGHHH! [Points at floor before grabbing Kirk and
holding him very close and tight to her body.]
Kirk....: There, there. It's ok. I've got you now. You're safe with me. Why
don't you meet me in my quarters at 2000 hours and we'll talk all
about it?
Pulaski.: Oh Jim, I feel safer already. I'll just go and get changed into
something more sexier... I mean more comfortable. See you later.
[Pulaski smiles before dashing off.]
Kirk....: Nice lady...
McCoy...: What is it with you! Didn't you learn anything with that Martia
creature?
Kirk....: Sorry Bones, I can't help it. How's the creature?
McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Lt. Expend'able is ok, but I'm worried about the
embryo in him. Lieutenant, are you ok?
Lt.Expend'able: I'm feeling ok. Can I have a bite to eat?
McCoy...: Well I'm not too sure until we have more test results on what's
inside you.
Lt.Expend'able: But I'm starving.
McCoy...: Ok - try this Saurian Brandy. It's my own special concoction...
[The lieutenant takes a glass, swallows and coughs.]
McCoy...: ...I added some Kentucky Bourbon.
[The lieutenant coughs more - violently this time. He clutches his stomach.]
McCoy...: Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it?
Kirk....: Something's wrong, Bones!
McCoy...: Yeah, maybe I should have used Scotch like Scotty advised.
Kirk....: I mean with the lieutenant!
McCoy...: Oh right!
[Suddenly a bump appears from the lieutenant's chest - there is a crunch and
blood comes pouring out. A crack and the ex-lieutenant's chest bursts open!
A small two-legged creature pops out and runs off.]
Kirk....: Fire phasers!
[Everyone who is carrying a phaser draws and fires in the creature's
direction. Patients dive for cover as phaser fire goes everywhere. Moments
later...]
Kirk....: Hold fire! Where's the creature?
McCoy...: I think you missed. You just about managed to disintegrate half my
sick-bay though.
Kirk....: Sorry, Bones.
Chekov..: Bridge to sickbay. Keptin, vhat happened?
Kirk....: Chekov, I want you to turn this ship inside out - there is a small
6 inch, 2-legged creature running around and it must be killed...
I mean captured if possible. Kirk out. Bones, you'd better stay
and sort out this mess. I'm going bug-hunting. [Kirk sets his
phaser for maximum disintegrate.]
[Hours later, another scene change to 2 security officers searching a
Jeffries tube...]
Security Officer 1: Hey, it's a bit slimy up here.
Security Officer 2: Better note it down. You know how Scotty hates unclean
Jeffries tubes.
Security Officer 1: Yeuck, there's a piece of skin here too - looks like
it's from the creature the Captain was telling us about.
Security Officer 2: Ok, put it in this plastic bag and I'll take it to...
Security Officer 1: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! HELPPPPP!!!
Security Officer 2: What the... Security to Jeffries tube 4, this is an
emergency! The creature, it's... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
[Minutes pass... finally Kirk runs around the corner to find Bones and Spock
already there, looking at a big mess...]
Kirk....: What happened here?
McCoy...: Well, considering that all I can find amongst this blood plastered
all over the corridor are these few limbs, I'd have to say that
it's bad news only.
Kirk....: You mean that they're badly injured?
McCoy...: It's worse than that - they're dead, Jim!
Chekov..: This is werrry bad news.
Spock...: The only possible option now Captain is to kill the creature.
Kirk....: Maybe this creature is like the Horta - just protecting something.
A child perhaps?
McCoy...: Not possible, Jim. Tests showed that it's a male, only basic
animal intelligence - it probably works on instinct.
Kirk....: So talking's out.
McCoy...: Jim, if you... if any starship captain tried to negotiate with
that creature, he'd be dead! Who do you think you are? Jean-Luc
Picard?
[The comm. unit comes on.]
Scotty..: Cap'n, there's this slimy sludge all over my warp engines. What in
darnations been going on down here whilst I've been on lunch?
Kirk....: Sludge? SCOTTY, GET OUT OF THERE!
Scotty..: I'm not going anyway until this mess has been cleaned up.
Kirk....: Scotty, the alien's down there!
Scotty..: Well I'm not going to let any alien slime all over my poor wee
bairns. Scott out.
Kirk....: Damn. Security to the engine room, immediately.
[Down in engineering.]
Kirk....: Scotty, are you down here?
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n. I canna find the damn beastie anyway. Look at the mess
he made. It'll take a week before she'll be looking like the lady
she is. When I get my hands on that beastie...
Kirk....: Calm down, Scotty. Security is searching this ship from bow to
stern. The alien's not going to hide from us.
Scotty..: I know that.
Kirk....: How come?
Scotty..: Cos' it's right behind you.
Kirk....: What the...
[Kirk turns around to see the alien getting closer. He dives for cover and
pulls out his phaser.]
Kirk....: Everyone duck!
[Everyone dives for cover as Kirk lets loose a volley of phaser fire. The
alien is blasted and disintegrates.]
Scotty..: Good shooting, Cap'n.
Kirk....: It was nothing.
Scotty..: No, I mean it, ye' still the best.
Kirk....: It was nothing, really.
Scotty..: Ok then.
Kirk....: Well, when I say it was nothing I mean...
Scotty..: Look, you said it was nothing, so forget it.
Kirk....: But...
Spock...: Captain, we're needed on the bridge - the new calculations for
time travel have been worked out.
[On the bridge.]
Kirk....: All hands prepare for time travel. Mr. Chekov, warp speed!
-=> ACT 5 : THE FINAL ACT < =-
Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain... we seem to be in the correct star
system. Yes, the computers have just confirmed my calculations. We
are entering the Terran system now... but...
Kirk....: But what?
Spock...: We are some 5 years too late. I have been downloading the relevant
Starfleet records, and According to them, the Enterprise-D has
been in service for the past 5 years!
[Spock's sensors start to bleep.]
Spock...: And one of their starships have already found us!
Kirk....: Who is it?
Spock...: The ship identifies itself as the Enterprise!
Kirk....: On screen.
[The view-screen changes image to show a bald man on screen. However, all
Kirk sees is a lovely attractive young lady sitting on the far right of the
screen with the loveliest... *CENSORED*]
Kirk....: [To Deanna] Hello there, are you by any chance the Captain of this
fine vessel?
[Behind him, McCoy hands out the sick-bags to the bridge crew. Scotty enters
the bridge.]
Deanna..: [Blushing] Oh, aren't you Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: That's Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Deanna..: Oh forgive me.
Kirk....: That's ok, how about you beaming over and we can have ...... I
mean talk about your ship? Say my quarters at 2000 hours.
Deanna..: Well, it's not really my ship you see.
Kirk....: Oh, I was sure a lady with your intelligence and talent would be
in command of a starship.
Deanna..: [Blushing even more] That's so kind of you, but he's the Captain.
[pointing to Picard]
Kirk....: Oh - [to Picard] who are you?
Picard..: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
[pointing to various crew-members] This is my first officer,
Commander Riker.
Riker...: Your sexual prowess proceeds you, Captain Kirk.
Kirk....: Well, maybe you could do with a few tips.
Picard..: Ensign Ro Laren at helm.
Kirk....: Why hello Ensign Laren.
Ro......: That's Ensign Ro! Laren is my first name!
Kirk....: I'm sorry. How abouts you beaming over later on and I can apologise
in person, say my quarters at 2100 hours?
Ro......: Well sure...
Picard..: [looking at Ro disapprovingly] Lt. Commander Data at Ops...
Kirk....: A robot!
Data....: Actually Captain, I'm an android.
Kirk....: Android? I don't like androids. They give me the creeps.
Picard..: Ensign Wesley Crusher at science station 1...
Everyone: WESLEY!
Wesley..: Hello Captain Picard!
Riker...: I'll handle this Captain. What the hell are you doing here Ensign
Crusher?
Wesley..: I was assigned to this ship - I passed all my exams and as I got
100% in all my exams, they assigned me back here a year early.
Riker...: Damn! Captain, you said that if we promoted him to Ensign, we'd
never have to see him ever again!
Picard..: I under-estimated his mother, Number One. I didn't think she could
get him back aboard so quickly. Besides, she threatened to stop
having ..... I mean breakfast with me every morning.
Riker...: I see.
Picard..: Behind me is our Chief of Security and comms. officer, Lt. Worf.
Chekov..: A Klingon!
Kirk....: Ready phasers! It's a trap.
Picard..: No, they're our friends now. You fixed that didn't you?
Kirk....: So I did [aside] the biggest mistake of my life!
Worf....: Grrrr.
Picard..: Down boy. SIT!
Picard..: You've met our ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi, but what are you
doing here, Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: Well, I'm here to stop your Enterprise from being built, but it
looks like I'm too late for that, unfortunately.
Picard..: My Enterprise?
Scotty..: Enterprise - HA! That's a starship? You goons couldn'a recognise a
decent starship if it was pink and had white spots all over it. An'
I thought the Excelsior was bad!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a cream puff] Why you...
Picard..: Not now, Number One!
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: Shut up, Riker.
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: I can prove that my ship is better than yours.
Picard..: How?
Kirk....: Let's race for it. Winner keeps the other ship to do with as he
pleases.
Picard..: No.
Kirk....: What's the matter? Scared you'll lose?
Picard..: No, it's not that. My ship's better than yours - we won't lose!
Kirk....: So you're chicken?
[Scotty starts making various clucking noises.]
Picard..: That's it, you have a deal. No-one calls a Frenchman chicken and
gets away with it!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a triple-choc. cake] But sir...
Picard..: Shut up, Riker. Just name the time and place.
Kirk....: Sigma-Delta-1 to Sigma-Delta-15 and back - we meet at Sigma-Delta 1
at 0000 hours tomorrow.
Picard..: It's a deal! Picard out!
[Back on the Enterprise-A]
Chekov..: Keptin, can ve vin against it?
Kirk....: Of course. Scotty, I want you to fine-tune the engines to 110%
efficiency. I want all the power you can muster.
Scotty..: I'll give ye' 120% - we'll beat that excuse for a starship, even if
I have to get out an' push.
Kirk....: I hope it won't have to come to that. Chekov, plot a course to
Sigma-Delta-1, warp 7.
[12 hours later...]
Kirk....: 0000 hours - where's that duck?
Spock...: Sensors show a ship coming along side us - it's the Enterprise-D.
[On The Ent-D.]
Picard..: Worf, open a channel to the Enterprise-A. Captain Kirk, are you...
Worf....: Channel open, sir.
Picard..: [aside] he did it to me again! [To Kirk] Captain Kirk, are you sure
you want to do this - you can still back out, after all, you might
as well face the fact that you're going to lose. Chief Engineer
LaForge is the best in Starfleet.
Kirk....: Don't worry about us - we'll be ok. You can still pull out, of
course. Your ship might not be able to cope. Kirk out.
Picard..: Why you...
Riker...: 10 seconds before we start.
Picard..: Engine room. Ready for maximum warp.
Data....: 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... now!
Picard..: ENGAGE!
[In an instant, both Enterprises warp off into the distance. The Enterprise-D
pulls away from Enterprise-A. On both ships...]
Picard..: Ha! That'll show him!
Riker...: Well done, sir.
Picard..: Shut up, Riker.
Kirk....: Damn - Scotty, what's happening down there? We're losing!
Scotty..: Sair, my poor wee bairns canna take much more - we're pushing warp
9.5 already!
Kirk....: I want warp 9.9 now.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Varp 9.7... 9.8... 9.9!
Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is now at warp 9.9 and will overtake us in
3 seconds.
Picard..: What! Engine room, I want warp 9.95 now!
LaForge.: I wouldn't recommend it, Captain.
Picard..: No arguments, Commander.
LaForge.: Yes, sir.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Data....: Now at warp 9.9... 9.94... 9.95.
Spock...: Captain, the Enterprise-D is at warp 9.95.
Kirk....: This isn't good - Scotty, I want warp 9.99!
Scotty..: Sair! Surely ye canna be serious!
Kirk....: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Warp 9.93... 9.95... 9.97.. 9.98... 9.99!
Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99!
Picard..: That's not possible for a starship! We need warp 10!
Data....: Sir, that is impossible.
Picard..: I don't care, I'm not going to let any ship outrun my ship.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley..: But, sir!
Everyone: SHUT UP, WESLEY!
Wesley..: Look, I'm an ensign now, you have to listen to me!
Troi....: He has a point, Captain.
Picard..: Damn. Ok then, but make it quick Ensign.
Welsey..: I can increase this ship's engine power by 100%
Data....: Hoe are you going to achieve that?
Wesley..: Well, by re-routing half the engine's circuitry and...
Picard..: Ensign Crusher, report to the engine room at once!
Wesley..: Yes, sir.
[As Wesley leaves the bridge, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But down in
engineering...]
Wesley..: Hello Geordi.
LaForge.: What are you doing down here?
Wesley..: I'm here to help you.
LaForge.: Who said so? This is my engine room - go and re-build someone
else's!
Wesley..: Captain Picard sent me down here.
LaForge.: Well, ok then, but be careful!
Welsey..: [smiling] Great - now to extract the trans-dimensional isolinear
micro-circuits...
LaForge.: [cringing] My poor baby...
[Meanwhile both Enterprises have reached Sigma-Delta-15 and are swinging
around it.]
Kirk....: Status.
Spock...: We are neck and neck.
Kirk....: Scotty, we need more speed.
Scotty..: Sair, I canna give you any more - it's nay possible.
Kirk....: Yes it is Scotty. I want you to use all available energy for the
engines, including life support - keep it at a minimum for us.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99NNN j
Picard..: Engine room, how's Ensign Crusher doing?
LaForge.: Captain, he's just about done. If what he says is true, we should
reach warp 18!
Wesley..: Ready now sir!
Picard..: Mr. Data, engage!
[The Enterprise-D shoots off into the distance leaving poor old Enterprise-A
trailing in it's wake.]
Kirk....: Spock, what happened?
Spock...: Unknown sir. Apparently the Enterprise-D has a few tricks up it's
sleeve.
Kirk....: That does it! Scotty?
Scotty..: Aye, sair?
Kirk....: If we tie the Quantum accelerator to the dilithium chamber and
connect the silly-plotus-computus with the new Motorola 68,050,000
chip will we get to warp 50?
Scotty..: No, but if we press this green button I recently installed into
Chekov's console...
Chekov..: That button wasn't there a moment ago.
Scotty..: Of course not, the writer decided to add it in only just now.
Chekov..: Vhat does it do?
Scotty..: Well let me check the script... ah! It'll let us go as fast as we
want to.
Chekov..: Incrwedible!
Scotty..: Well we'd better get on with it!
Kirk....: Chekov... press that button!
[The Enterprise-A suddenly zooms off and leaves a massive trial of rainbow-
colours behind it. On Enterprise-D....]
Data....: Sir, something is coming up right behind us.
Picard..: Wha...
[Suddenly something screams straight pass the Enterprise-D, honking it's
horn. The Enterprise-D shudders in it's wake.]
Troi....: I feel great satisfaction...
Picard..: I'm sorry???
Troi....: I mean great joy, happiness, comfort.. err... where's my thesaurus?
Picard..: Data, identify that ship...
Data....: It was the Enterprise-A. I'm afraid it has just beaten us. Sensors
say it has just entered Sigma-Delta-1's orbit!
Picard..: Damn! Damn! Damn!
[Much later on, Picard hands over the keys to the Enterprise to Kirk.]
Kirk....: Thanks.
Picard..: So what are you going to do with my ship?
Kirk....: Isn't it obvious? I've place anti-matter pods all around your ship.
She'll blow in 15 seconds and we'll be rid of that ugly ship once
and for all.
Riker...: They won't do it, Captain. They wouldn't dare.
Kirk....: Scotty, beam everyone down now.
[Everyone is beamed onto the nearby planet. As Picard and co. stare, the
Enterprise-D blows up.]
Riker...: They did it - the ship's gone!
Picard..: [smiling] Look on the bright side, Number One.
Riker...: What's that, sir?
Picard..: Ensign Crusher was still on that ship when it blew. I set up a
force field in his room.
Riker...: [breaks out in a wide grin] Excellent manoeuvre, sir, excellent
manoeuvre....
Beverly.: Why you! Wesley *sob* my poor baby *sob*
Welsey..: Captain Picard! Mom!
Everyone: WESLEY!
Welsey..: Somehow I got trapped in a force field, but I'd set up a personal
site-to-site transporter beforehand, just in case.
Picard..: Damn, damn, DAMN!
Riker...: Better luck next time, sir. Still, it was worth a try.
Kirk....: Beam me up, Scotty!
-=> EPILOGUE <=-
[The bridge doors open.]
SHEEEEESH.
Kirk….: Once again we’ve saved civilisation as we know it. Spock, prepare
for time travel – we’re going home. Mr. Chekov, warp 10!
[The Enterprise warps around the nearest star. Moments later...]
Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: We’ve reached our own time successfully, Captain.
Uhura…: Sir, message coming in from Starfleet Command – they want to know
where we’ve been for the past few days. They’re ordering us to take
the Enterprise back right now for decommissioning.
Chekov..: So, this is goodbye?
Uhura…: We’ve been dead before.
Spock…: If I were human, I believe my response would be… you can take
your order and shove it up your *$%*(^%… if I were human.
[Everyone gasps!]
McCoy…: Spock! I can’t believe what you just said!
Spock…: Believe your ears Doctor. I was just employing one of many
colourful metaphors I learned whilst in the 20th century.
Scotty..: Captain, we could…
Kirk….: Slingshot round the nearest star and never come back?
Scotty..: Just a thought, Captain.
[Kirk thinks for a moment, and then a smile appears on his face.]
Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: The computer has been programmed to pick a random century.
Kirk….: Chekov, 2nd star to the right and prepare for time travel.
Chekov..: Ready, Keptin.
Kirk….: Warp 10… engage.
[The Enterprise warps off round a star and vanishes moments later. Where to,
only the Enterprise and her crew will soon know, and wherever they've gone, I
know we will all wish them safe and prosperous voyages.]
“Captain’s final, final log: This ship and her history will NOT shortly
become the care of a new generation as we have it – she’s all ours! HA! HA!
HA! Gibber, gibber, slob…
Er, Captain?
Yes, Spock?
Are you… feeling ok?
Hmmm… yes, Spock. Just slipped up for a second back there.
Indeed, Captain…
Now where was I? Ah yes…
WE will continue the journeys WE began over 25 years ago, exploring space,
the final frontier, continuing the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life forms and new
civilisations, journeying to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going
where no-one has gone… before…..
AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES…..
THE END?
Categories: BBS, Completely Random
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