A Knockers/Dr T/Ford Prefect Production
- Original Story by Jamie Greer
The young boy’s head exploded violently for no apparent reason. Layers of adolescent blood and brains caked the nearby walls, only just newly painted last Tuesday. The boy, called “Will” , was dead. Will’s young mother, a meter two years older (due to an accident with an experimental condom), entered the room. She saw her dead son and screamed. She had forgotten to tell him that he was actually her lover and that his father was actually a transvestite lesbian who had a sex change. The pressures were building and Will’s mother suddenly had a temporal flashback to the days fo Genghis Kan’s conquests, the invention of the diaper, and the gold mines of Burma. She pulled a loaded pistol from her handbag and aimed it at her temple. She pulled the trigger and the blast sent her brains out her left ear. More brains and blood sprayed against the wall.
Meanwhile, Barry pondered the thoughts of the universe…
David, the Family Cockroach exterminator, whistled gleefully as he entered the large house. he called out to his mistress’ name, but heard nothing but the sound of a goldfish sneezing in a highly chlorinated puddle. He began his climb up the polyester stars, hoping to bump into a tall blonde-haired woman from Toledo that he met just four years ago. His wishes went unfulfilled, and the stairs suddenly disappeared. David fell headfirst, his face slamming hard into the Teflon floor. His brain was drilled upwards into his feet, not even stopping for a chat with the lungs it so dearly missed.
In a remote area of South Africa, on Grandpa Guido’s Aardvark Farm and Cajun Restaurant, Paul sat idly, thinking about his troubles. He owed the Central American Government several million dollars for overdue library books and was beginning to feel guilty about spreading the malicious rumour that America sold arms to Iran. He got up from his seat and headed into the back kitchen, absent-mindedly stepping on Bob the Dog, who soundlessly squealed and died of internal hemorraging and worms. Paul quickly stuck his hand in an operating meat grinder and laughed coldly as his right hand was reduced to ground flesh. He turned and left to tell his quadriplegic girlfriend that he was running off with a giraffe named Flo that he met at the zoo the other day.
In a sleazy bar, somewhere in Wisconsin, Larry polished the blade of his new chainsaw, thinking of all the dirty and disgustingly gut-wrenching deeds he could perform with his new toy. Larry smiled. He had found his destiny.
Several miles away a tall, blonde-haired woman from Toledo (who was actually just visiting and came from Miami) named Diane walked along the street. Diane never noticed the large Mutant Lima Bean behind her and just barely noticed when the Bean swiped her head off. The bloody head bounced sever feet before being devoured by a carnivorous grasshopper.
Somewhere in New Orleans, Melville the Artificial Organ Salesman stroked his Velcro toupe. He sighed as hundreds of bristles rubbed his hand. But despite his permanent smile, Mel was depressed. He hadn’t sold a heard in over a month. Door-to-door organ selling wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. he opened his briefcase and picked up a kidney. “My kidneys are as good as anybody’s”, Mel though. Actually Mel was wrong. His kidneys suffered from plastic stress and has multiple fracture lines.
In the jungles of Siam, an elephant wandered aimlessly about with no place to go. Suddenly, it stepped on a land mine and blew up. Lard, reddened chunks of elephant meat fell to the ground with a loud splat.
In the dorm of jack the Student, jack finished re-reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica for the third time. The boy was 12 and was already in his last year at University. But with with an IQ of 213, Jack longed to be the leader of a satanic sex cult where nude pictures of Heather Thomas were posted and where disgusting rituals were to take place between a guy and a girl. But Jack knew that was impossible. For Jack was a homosexual.
Miles away, the Lima Bean finished another meal of human intestines. the Bean got up from it’s morsel and began to search for another target. And it saw the target. A tall-blonde-haired man with a crew-cut and scar. The man was carrying a chainsaw.
Larry looked intentively at the Mutant Lima Bean in front of him. he smiled a toothy grin, showing his newly-filed fangs. Larry quickly revved up his chainsaw and advanced at the quivering freak. Larry laughed loudly as the metal chain ripped deep into the Bean’s side. Green juice sprayed upwards, hitting a nearby wall, which only only been graffitied last Tuesday. With a pathetic try that sounded something like a constipated wildebeast, the Bean died. Larry was pleased. His destiny was coming true.
Paul walked slowly across the South African desert. what a mess he was in! His ex-girlfriend ran off with a flasher, and the giraffe he was to marry eloped with an antelope called Fred! Pal began to sob quietly. He absently-mindedly stepped on a groundhog and it soon died from pierced lung. Paul opened his satchel and pulled out a large jar of honey. Looking around, Paul finally saw what he was looking for. he quickly dug a deep hole right beside an ant hold and he then poured honey over his face. he jumped into the hole and re-buried himself with some difficulty. Paul chuckled as a swarm of red ants climbed over his face and ripped the skin off in painful layers.
Meanwhile, Barry pondered the thoughts of the Universe…
In new York, Alice the Blind Driving Instructor had just finished another fun-filled lesson. She was to meet her blind date, Alex, at the cafe around the corner, but due to a cruel joke played by Lonzo the Street Punk, Alice ended up in Alaska near a Crab meat Cleaning Station. Alex, feeling unwanted, went to the big bridge over the water, ready to jump. But Alex found the wrong bridge, and when he jumped, he was hit by a large Mack truck. Tomar, the Truck Driver, stopped his truck when large blots of red liquid sprayed against his windshield. He went into the front of his truck and saw the splatted remains of a dead person. Tomar looked at the mess for a few seconds, shrugged hopelessly, and then returned to the truck and drove off.
back in New Orleans, Mel sighed deeply. He decided to see if his artificial organs really worked. Taking an Exacto knife from the kitchen drawer, Mel made the first incision right above his liver. Suddenly, Mel realized he didn’t have any artificial livers left, so he made a second incision above his kidney. The knife made a clean, deep cut, and Mel was pleased with his own dexterity. When the incision was completed, he put down the knife and thrusts his hairy hand inside his stomach. with one quick jerk, he pulled out his kidney. After a desperate search, Mel found the artificial kidney in his colour (a putrid shade of green), and thrust it back in. Grabbing a nearby sewing machine, he stretched the wounded flesh over and in 14 seconds, he resealed the wound. So far, so good. Mel sat down and waited.
Jack said goodnight to his boyfriend Harold and closed the door. Jack still had dreams of starting a sex cult – one that was straight, not gay. So Jack went to a nearby variety store and purchased every porno magazine about women that he could find. He brought them all home and began to study them. Jack smiled. Girls’ sex organs were far more interesting than men’s.
Mel waited…
Larry wiped the green juice from his blade and continued down the dark alley. “Destiny”, he thought. “I must fulfill my destiny.” By 10:00 that night, he had killed 14 rats, 5 bums, 3 alcoholics, 2 innocent bystanders, and 6 prostitutes. Larry was quite pleased with himself.
Back in South Africa, Grandpa Guido came home from a hard day’s work of aardvark ranching. He sucked hard on a cut on his finger that he had acquired after being bitten by Thelma the Aardvark. He stopped when it turned white and watched with excitement as it returned normal. Guido looked around and saw an unopened envelope on the kitchen table. It was for Paul. Guide opened it. It was written by the Central American Council on Weapons and Library Books, stating that if Paul didn’t pay the $1,567,899.15 he owed in overdue book fines that they were going to put a price on his head. Guide smiled and ripped up the letter. Guide hated Paul and wanted desperately to see Paul get his head blown off.
At midnight, Paul slowly pulled himself out of the hole, brushing off the remaining ants from his bloodied face. He stretched his arms, yawned, and then headed home. He went to rub his eyes but found that his left eye has been eaten by some hungry ants. Paul cursed.
Meanwhile, Barry pondered the thoughts of the Universe…
In a small town on the boarder of Wisconsin, Chris the Mailman did his daily rounds. Chris was happy being a mailman. Unfortunately, everyone on his rounds hated him because of his optimistic attitude. Unbeknownst to the happy-go-lucky mailman, the town was plotting an assassination attempt as this very moment.
And Tammy Faye Bakker cried for no reason.
IN the heart of New Orleans, Greg, the President of the Ollie North Fan Club, cycled gleefully down the road. But Greg was short-sighted and didn’t see the bulldozer running loose down the street. In ten short minutes, Greg was nothing more than a red spot on the pavement.
In Chicago, Aaron walked quietly down the street. Aaron was paranoid. Several months ago, Aaron fingered Big Al at a baseball game. Big Al was the leader of the Chicago Mafia. Aaron was sweating heavily. And then he heard it. A throaty growl from the shadows behind hmi. It was a dog. Aaron looked deeply at the growling animal and then ran in fear. Pit-bull Attack! Chasing Aaron was Ivan the Pit-Bull, a dog that went missing after eating a newspaper boy. Ivan snarled as Aaron sprinted down the sidewalk. Ivan jumped and landed on the young man’s head. He began to chew the flesh off of Aaron’s face, and in seconds, engulfed the young man’s head. In minutes, Ivan had eaten down to Aaron’s waste. But instinct drove Aaron on, and the young man kept running. In five minutes, Ivan had eaten down to Aaron’s ankles. Aaron could endure no more. the man collapsed and seconds later, Ivan finished his meal. Ivan burped, ran to the train station, and caught a train to Wisconsin.
And suddenly, Mel the Artificial organ salesman died.
Somewhere in Nicaragua, Rodrigues the Bounty Hunter finished his morning sniping pracive, and the phone rang. It was Tiko, the Presidante. Tiko told Rodriguez tht a South African named Paul owed a lot of month to Central America in overdue library fines. Rodriguez knew his task. he had caught library offenders before and would do it again.
Larry walked calmly down the streets of New York. suddenly, Lonzo jumped him from behind. Larry spun around, revved his chainsaw and sliced the youngster in half. Larry started briefly at the dual parts, and then left for the train to Wisconsin.
In South Africa, Paul boarded the Delta plane to Wisconsin, America. Paul was sick of South Africa and longed for a change of lifestyle.
Meanwhile, Barry moved to Wisconsin and pondered the thoughts of the Universe there.
In the basement of the University of Wisconsin, Jack held the first meeting of the satanic Sex Cult of heather Thomas. Only two others showed up – Bruce the Football Hunk and his girlfriend, Debbie. jacked watched depressingly as Bruce and Debbie performed the ritual. Suddenly, the foundations of the University collapsed, and the large building collapsed along with them. All 5,327 students were kills. And thus, the cult was disbanded.
Ivan the Pit-Bull roamed the streets of Wisconsin in the hopes of meetings a good-looking female pit-bull or a meat-filled morsel to eat. Suddenly, Ivan saw it. Blood. It led to a barbed wire fence. Ivan followed it. And suddenly, the carnivorous grasshopper ate Ivan in one massive gulp.
Meanwhile, as Barry pondered the thoughts of the Universe, a chainsaw-wielding young man ravenously cut off his head.
Somewhere in Pennsylvania, Tomar the Truck Driver drove towards new York. Suddenly, an armadillo with a tuxedo rolled out in front of the large Mack truck. To avoid staining the clean tux, Tomar swerved. The truck hit head-on with an Army tank and the two exploded. Tomar died happily, knowing that at least the armadillo had a clean, neat tuxedo.
In Nicaragua, an unknown assassin snuck into Tiko’s chamber. The assassin pulled out his gun and shot the sleeping Presidante. As the assassin left out the window, he fell, plummeting several stories before making a loud spat on the ground below.
Rodriguez left Grandpa Guido’s Aardvark Farm and Cajun Restaurant, cursing. He had just found out that Paul had gone to Wisconsin, America. Popping in his private jet, he flew off. Suddenly, Grandpa Guido groaned, keeled over, and died from a heart attack.
On an African range, a giraffe and an antelope were kissing. Flo and Fred were engaged in a passionate kiss, when all of a sudden, a poacher named Carl shot them both. The two fell and landed with a dull thud on the incredibly dumb hunter.
Samantha, Paul’s ex-girlfriend, and her new husband, Tom the Flasher, flew home from their honeymoon. But no one could have known that the plan was rigged with explosives, set by a Abdul the Libyan Terrorist, who was hiding in the bathroom. Ten minute later, the plane exploded, killing Samantha, Tom, Abdul, and the other 43 passengers.
Meanwhile, as Barry’s spirit absorbed the thoughts of the Universe, he was sucked into a vacuum cleaner bag by a housekeeper named Sandy.
Paul walked carefully down a dirty Wisconsin street. He heard a noise from behind and picked up a brick from the ground below. then he saw a middle-aged Nicaraguan with a rifle.
Rodriguez fired at Paul, but Paul threw the brick a spit second sooner. The bullet spray found it’s mark on Paul. His body was filled with lead. He died seconds later. The flying brick caught Rodriguez on the side of his head, and the Nicaraguan Bounty Hunter stumbled a few feet before collapsing by a barbed-wire fence. Minutes later, he was eaten by a carnivorous grasshopper.
As Sandy finished cleaning her house, she went to check out her supper in the microwave. She failed to notice the hulking form of her Grade Dane, Muffin Pusher. Sandy screamed as her once-faithful hound closed the door and turned on the microwave for two minutes. Sandy found it hard to breathe and felt nauseous from the smell of her melting skin. After 1 1/2 minutes, Sandy exploded. Muffin Pusher laughed, went outside, and absent-mindedly got hit by a car and died.
Harold cried heavily after finding out that his gay boyfriend Jack died in the collapse of the University. Harold had been on vacation when it happened. Harold decided that there was nothing more to do than walk naked through the minefield next door. Ten minutes after starting out, Harold hit a mine and exploded.
In Chicago, Big Al the mafia King sat in his limo as Muskov the Chauffeur drove him around town. Suddenly, from absolutely nowhere, a fragmentation grenade appeared in the trunk and exploded. The shrapnel blew out Big Al’s chest and shattered Muskov’s skull. The car swerved and hit a 7-11. The area exploded violently and the mafia King was dead.
Larry sat back. he was happy. His destiny was unrolling quite well. Larry enjoyed his job. Chainsaw massacres had opened a new door for him and he liked it. Larry suddenly sat up. he heard the chirping of a grasshopper from the front toor. He grabbed his shiny chainsaw and headed to the door. Slowly, he pulled the door open and looked down. there, snarling at him, was a carnivorous grasshopper…
Tune in next time to find out:
- Will Larry kill the grasshopper?
- Will the grasshopper kill Larry?
- Who will pay Paul’s library fines?
- Are jack and the Satanic Sex Cult of Heather Thomas really dead?
- Is the Mutant Lima Bean really dead or is it just kidding?
- Is Carl the Poacher dead?
- Who will lead the Mafia, now that Big Al is dead?
- Will Barry’s spirit ever escape from Sandy’s vacuum cleaner bag?
