Hi Ham Trekkies! Its been a while since I sent out some funny
Trek Parodies so here I am sending out one that I think is
one of the funniest that I have read in a long time. I had
to edit it so it could be Ham Radioable via packet. I didn’t
edit out all of the funny stuff only the stuff that were
business related parodies so I won’t get the non-human hams
annoyed with the humor hihi…. :-)

There are a total of 7 parts to this story so you will
know what your missing. Hopefully they are small enough
to make it via the packet network.

73 and enjoy!!!!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
: I wrote this parody in the summer of last year, and decided a cross- :
: over was the order of the day. Not the usual TOS/TNG cross-over, but a :
: SF cross-over from Quantum Leap to Aliens and Star Wars. :
: :
: This parody takes Kirk and Co. sling-shooting from one adventure to :
: the next, journeying through various SF/fantasy universes before :
: reaching the final confrontation with that excuse for a Star Trek spin- :
: off, the TNG crew. All that remains for me to say is that I hope you :
: enjoy this parody, and read on! :
: :
: :
: Edwin Yau. :
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

-=> PROMO < =-

Next on the SF Channel... They've been with us for over 25 years, now
journey with them for one more time (again!) - not! Yes, "Star Trek VII:
The Final, Final Parody" beams to your local Amiga next, right after these
commercial breaks!

Stewart.: Have you ever bought a used car and found it not to be "up-to-
scratch"? Then it was your fault. Used-cars are irrelevant. Buy
XXXXX. Resistance is futile. Other makes of cars are irrelevant.
You will be absorbed into buying XXXXX. Resistance is futile.
Call 555-5555-BORG for your local XXXXX dealer. All other numbers
are irrelevant.

Sirtis..: Have any of you young ladies ever wanted to look as good as me?
Then dial 555-1234-TROI and speak to Dr. Marina Sirtis on a
variety of subjects like face-lifts, lipo-suction, br**st implants
and so on. Remember, that's 555-1234-TROI.

Spiner..: Out now at your local camcorder store, the amazing new XXXXX UC1
camcorder. It has x16 zoom lens, auto-stabiliser and auto-focus.
All this with exciting hi-definition picture and stereo digital
sound via Hi-8 cassettes, it's a bargain at only #999. Just call
555-6969-DATA for your local XXXXX dealer. The XXXXX UC1 - you see
one, you want one.

[Fade to...]

-=> PROLOGUE < =-

Chekov..: Course heading, Keptin?

Kirk....: 2nd star to the right, and straight on 'till morning...

[Cue the slushy score from Cliff Eidelman. The Enterprise heads off into the sunset.]

"Captain's Final Log: This ship and her history will shortly become the care of a new generation. To them and our posterity will we commit our future.

They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no-man... no-one has gone before..."

[As the Enterprise vanishes off into the sunset...]

Chekov..: Keptin! The view screen!

Kirk....: Wha...

[Everyone looks to see the face of... Sybok!]

Spock...: [raises eyebrow] Q'ue et tu?

Sybok...: Spock - I'mmmmmm here!

McCoy...: As Spock would say, "fascinating."

Spock...: And highly illogical, Dr. McCoy.

Kirk....: Forgive me for saying this, Sybok, but... aren't you dead?

Sybok...: Captain. There's no time to explain. Let's just say this is my
katra, my living spirit - now we have to go.

McCoy...: Go? Go where exactly?

Sybok...: You must come to the centre of the galaxy immediately. It is of
vital importance and concerns the future of the Enterprise!

Kirk....: The Enterprise?!? What could possibly happen to the Enterprise?

Sybok...: You don't realise, do you? Look at this - it's the Enterprise-D.

[A picture of the Enterprise-D appears on the view screen. Everyone looks
away in horror! :-) Uhura gasps. Chekov, Bones & Kirk are stunned. Even
Spock turns a shade paler! Scotty suffers the worst, utters "My poor wee
bairns", and collapses onto the floor unconscious.]

Kirk....: Ohmygod! Then we're on our way. Chekov, turn to heading of 0 0 0
mark 0, maximum possible speed - I want you to push this ship
beyond her limit.

Chekov..: Course plotted, Keptin.

McCoy...: Jim, if you ask me, and you haven't, this is a bad idea. We're
bound to bump into the Klingons, and some of them don't exactly
like you.

Kirk....: The feeling's mutual. Mr. Chekov, engage.

[The screen darkens and a starfield fades in, the opening score plays, and
it is followed by the words...]

STAR TREK: T H E F I N A L , F I N A L P A R O D Y

OR, "FROM ONE SF SERIES TO THE NEXT."
OR, "SO THIS IS THE PLOT?!?"

-=> ACT 1 < =-

[Bones walks over to Scotty and runs a hand-scanner over him.]

Kirk....: Bones, how is he?
McCoy...: Well, he has a slight concussion...
Scotty..: [mumbling to himself.] That canna' be the Enterprise. Nooo way. It
looks like someone ran it over with a steam-roller!
Kirk....: Scotty, get a grip - we can do something about it.

[Scotty is led away to sickbay, still mumbling to himself.]

Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Captain?
Kirk....: What's our E.T.A. to the centre of the galaxy?
Spock...: Well, considering we are on a set in Hollywood, it would take us
forever and a day, but in movie terms, it's as soon as I finish
this sentence.
Chekov..: Keptin, look!

[They all stare at the view screen.]

Kirk....: The Great Barrier!
Chekov..: Ve are now entering ze Great Bawwier.

[Moments later...]

Chekov..: Ve are now passing through ze Great Bawwier. Incrwedible, it does
not register on any of my instruments.

[Moments later...]

Chekov..: Ve are now through ze Great Bawwier.
Khan....: Look, there she is..... [pointing at a blue-misty planet.]
Kirk....: KHHHHHAAAAANNNN! Where did you come from?
Khan....: The parody writer just put me in for that one line, Kiiirrrkkk,
I have to go now.

[Khan suddenly vanishes as he appears.]

Kirk....: Bones, get Scotty. We're beaming down. Spock, you have the conn.

[Quick scene change to the planet! As the trio materialise, Sybok appears in
front of them.]

Kirk....: Sybok, why have you bought us here, and what's all this about the
Enterprise-D?
Sybok...: It's true, Kirk. A plan so hideous I had to let you know. 70 years
from now, the U.S.S. Enterprise-D will be built and look like
this. [a holographic picture of Ent-D appears. Scotty takes a look
and faints again. Bones rushes to his side and gets out the
smelling salts.]
Kirk....: What can we do?
Sybok...: You must slingshot into the future and help a lady called Leah
Brahms change her mind about the design of the ship.
Kirk....: Ok then we have to get going. Transporter room, three to beam up.
Sybok...: Good luck, Kirk. [Sybok smiles before vanishing in a flash of
light.]

[Later on, back on the bridge and through the Great Barrier...]

Kirk....: Mr. Spock, have you computed trajectory for time travel?
Spock...: Yes, Captain. We will slingshot around the nearby star in a moment.
Kirk....: I see. Which system is that?
Spock...: Computer, please identify the nearby system to be used for time
travel.
Computer: WORKING... System is identified as... M-25.
Chekov..: M-25? Ohhh NOOO!
Kirk....: My god, Spock. Be careful on the trajectory calculations. Re-check
them. One mistake and we could be trapped in there forever!!!
Spock...: Captain... trust me.

[Moment later...]

Spock...: I am ready, Captain.
Kirk....: Prepare for time travel! Ensign Rand, on Spock's command, I want
full braking thrusters.
Rand....: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Rand... Rand... you look familiar... are you any relation to Chief
Communications Officer Rand on board the Excelsior under the
command of Captain Hikaru Sulu who will soon have his own comic
stories and novelisations?
Rand....: Actually, sir... she's my mother.
Kirk....: I see. Well, maximum warp... engage!
Rand....: I'm sorry, Captain, I'm already married.
Kirk....: ?????... I meant engage engines!
Rand....: Sorry, Captain. Warp speed engaged.
Chekov..: Varp 3... Varp 5... Varp 7... Varp 8... Varp 9... 9.3 ... 9.5 ...
9.6 ... 9.7 ... 9.8 ... 9.9

[As they slingshot around the sun, Kirk suddenly feels a bit funnier than
usual when he slingshots around a sun, and a blue-white light flashes around
him for a moment - a light no-one else can see. As Kirk falls onto the floor,
he hears Spock saying "Something's wrong... fire braking thrusters now!",
before falling unconscious.]

[Much later on, Kirk slowly regains consciousness and hears voices...]

Spock...: Doctor McCoy...
McCoy...: Dammit, Spock, I know.

[McCoy runs a scanner over Kirk.]

McCoy...: Hmmm... nothing damaged as far as I can see, brain waves are a bit
unusual, but I never really trust these damn machines anyway. You
ok, Jim?

[Sam turns to look at the person talking, and sees a man aged around his late
50s, early 60s, dressed in a red uniform with a gold insignia on it. Behind
him stands a tall man in the same style of uniform - Sam notices his pointed
ears.]

Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy.

-=> ACT 2 < =-

Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy!
McCoy...: What'da say, Jim?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... nothing.
McCoy...: Come on, Jim. You can tell me - I'm your doctor.
Sam/Kirk: It was nothing - really.
McCoy...: Well, ok then. You're free to go, but don't go straining yourself.
You'll have a bit of a headache for a few hours, but it'll pass.
Spock, you keep an eye on him.
Spock...: Indeed, Doctor McCoy.
Sam/Kirk: What happened?
Spock...: The slingshot seemed successful, Captain. I have Commander Chekov
checking our co-ordinates at this moment. Unfortunately, you
managed to fall out of your seat and knock yourself out. We should
return to the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: Yes, the bridge.

[McCoy and Spock look at each other, McCoy wearing a puzzled look on his
face.]

McCoy...: Are you sure you're ok, Jim?

[Sam, still slightly disorientated, sits there for a moment before he
realises McCoy is talking to him.]

Sam/Kirk: Yeah, fine doctor, just fine, really... I'm coming, Spock.

[Sam gets up, heads for what looks like a set of double-doors which slides
open as he nears it. As he walks through, he knows that he doesn't know
which direction to go. Taking a guess, he turns left, as does Spock. Lucky
guess, Sam thinks.]

[As they walk along the corridor, they pass a few women, who all wink and
smile at Kirk. Sam begins to get worried. They near another set of doors
which opens to what looks like an elevator (indeed, it has Turbolift 1
marked on it). Two women step out, both who wink and smile at Kirk also. Sam
is really worried now. Entering the turbolift, the doors shut and a voice
says "What level, please?"]

Sam/Kirk: Erm, let's see now... level...
Spock...: Are you sure you're feeling ok, Captain?
Sam/Kirk: [smiling] Yeah, fine, just fine!
Spock...: Indeed, Captain. [Speaks to elevator] Bridge.

[The turbolift stops moments later and opens. Sam steps out onto the Bridge,
a circular room with many people at what looks like various hi-tech computer
stations. On the far side of the room is a massive screen - a screen that
shows the Earth right in-front of them.]

Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.

[A man sitting in the centre seat sees Sam/Kirk and gets up immediately. He
starts speaking in a Russian accent.]

Chekov..: Keptin, I vas just about to call you. Ve have a big problem.
Sam/Kirk: I see - what is it?
Chekov..: It's when something is seriously wrong, but that's not important
right now. Keptin, ve have slingshot into Earth's past by meestake!
Uhura...: Captain, I've been monitoring Earth's frequencies. Their tracking
stations have picked us up.
Spock...: Captain, may I suggest that we move into orbit around the far side
of the moon as they will not be able to detect us from there?
Sam/Kirk: Erm, good idea, Spock.

[A few moments pass of silence.]

Spock...: Captain, shouldn't you give the order?
Sam/Kirk: What? Oh, sorry Spock, erm... headache's still playing up. You
look after things here and I'll... go and have a rest in my
quarters.
Spock...: Yes, Captain.

[Sam heads for and enters the turbolift. The doors shut.]

Turbolift: What level, please?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... quarters?
Turbolift: Please state officers or crew quarters?
Sam/Kirk: Er, officers' quarters. [Neat, Sam thinks to himself.]

[On the bridge, Spock is in deep thought. This does not seem to be the
Captain Kirk he knows...]

[On the officers' deck, Sam sees, thankfully, that each door is labelled
with the various names of officers. Glancing at each one as he walks along
the corridor, he finally comes to one marked "Captain James T. Kirk.". He
enters "his" quarters. Inside...]

Sam/Kirk: Al! Where are you?... AL!!!

[A woman appears suddenly from behind him.]

Phillips: Hello Captain James T. Kirk...

[Sam turns suddenly, and is grabbed by the woman and is given a long kiss.
He manages to pull himself away.]

Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.
Phillips: Why Jim, don't you remember me?
Sam/Kirk: Well, er... as a matter of fact...
Phillips: Come on Jim, the party on Tarius 3, I didn't know you were that
good.
Sam/Kirk: Well look er...
Phillips: Jennifer Phillips
Sam/Kirk: Jennifer, I really need...
Phillips: What you need is for me to refresh you're memory...

[Jennifer grabs Sam and kisses him again. As they kiss, Al appears.]

Al......: Finally found you, Sam. Just checking out some of the ladies here,
why some of them have the best looking... Sam, I didn't know you
had it in you. And I thought I was the only one with the good
looks.
Sam/Kirk: [pushing himself away from Jennifer] Look Jennifer, I'm very busy
at the moment. I have a lot of work to do, so I'll see you later,
ok?
Phillips: Ok... Captain.

[Jennifer steps out of the Kirk's quarters, blowing Sam a kiss as she leaves.
As the door shuts, Sam breathes a sigh of relief.]

Sam/Kirk: That was close.
Al......: You're telling me. I happened to be passing a few women in the
crew quarters and...
Sam/Kirk: What were you doing there... oh never mind - I can guess.
Al......: Sam, I'm surprised at you! It was just some... investigative work.
Sam/Kirk: Sure Al, I believe you.
Al......: Anyway, as I was saying, you have quite a reputation among the
female members of the crew. Apparently you're quite a ladies man,
especially in your younger days - still looks like you've got it
though.
Sam/Kirk: Al, will you just tell me what's going on! Look at this place! All
this hi-tech equipment. See this computer terminal? A lot of
things seem to be mostly voice-activated here. I don't even
recognise most of the stuff. No government could have produced
anything like this, and what's more, I'M IN SPACE!
Al......: I know. According to Ziggy, this IS a spaceship.
Sam/Kirk: You know that's ridiculous! No-one can build a spaceship this big,
and the computer equipment's too advanced.
Al......: No-one has... yet.
Sam/Kirk: What are you saying? That I've leapt into the future? - you know
that's totally impossible. I can only leap into the past or back
to the present.
Al......: Well this is the present.
Sam/Kirk: WHAT!
Al......: NASA monitored a UFO leaving Earth's orbit at incredible speeds.
They can't locate it at the moment and will just probably log it
as another unexplained mystery.
Sam/Kirk: So why am I here?
Al......: I can't tell you that - this is the present remember?
Sam/Kirk: Which means we're going to have to work it out for ourselves -
great!
Al......: [pointing at terminal] How about trying to find out who's who
first?
Sam/Kirk: Good idea. [sits down in-front of terminal] Let's see how advanced
this thing is... erm... hello computer?

[Nothing happens.]

Sam/Kirk: Computer?
Computer: Working...
Al......: Great Sam! Try some easy command.
Sam/Kirk: Computer, tell me the date.
Computer: Stardate 9530.8
Al......: [sarcastically] Great Sam - that means a lot to me.
Sam/Kirk: Al! Computer... give me the date in 20th century Earth calendar
style.
Computer: 8th July, 2295.
Al......: 2295! That's the 23rd century!
Sam/Kirk: Computer, can you give me the name and details of... this ship.
Computer: U.S.S. Enterprise. Constitution class starship, registry
NCC-1701-A. Property of Starfleet Command, United Federation Of
Planets, commissioned... [the computer waffles on...]
Al......: Ask for the command officers's personnel file, Sam.
Sam/Kirk: That's enough, computer... give me the personnel file of the
command officers on this ship, and I want the ship's log too.
Computer: Working...

[The computer starts giving out information of the command crew which Sam,
Al and Ziggy digest. Much later on...]

Sam/Kirk: Ok, Al, we know who's who, and we've read the ship's log - now
what?
Al......: Just play along and you'll have to figure it out on the way.
Sam/Kirk: Great Al, just great.

[The communications terminal comes on.]

Uhura...: Captain Kirk, you're needed on the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: On my way, Uhura.

[In the turbolift, Al appears.]

Al......: Sam, have you seen the women on the bridge? What I wouldn't do
to...
Sam/Kirk: Al, can you not think about the opposite sex for once?
Al......: Sorry Sam, just a genetic defect - runs in the family.
Sam/Kirk: I can imagine.
Al......: But you have to admit, it's a good defect.
Sam/Kirk: Look Al, I doubt if I'm here to warp around the galaxy in Kirk's
body.
Al......: Don't worry, Sam, something's bound to happen soon, and then you
can carry on leaping around.

[The turbolift comes to a halt and the doors slide open. Al and Sam step
out.]

Spock...: Ah, Captain, the new calculations for the slingshot have been
computed - I can assure you that they are accurate.
Sam/Kirk: Helm, prepare for maximum warp...

[Ziggy starts bleeping madly. Al shouts to Sam.]

Al......: Sam, Chekov's console!

[Sam suddenly notices sparks flying out from Chekov's console.]

Sam/Kirk: Chekov! [Sam dives from Chekov and grabs him, pulling him away,
just as there is an small explosion.]
Chekov..: Keptin, you saved my life.
Sam/Kirk: I did?
Al......: Sam, that's probably it, you had to save Chekov.
Sam/Kirk: Spock, check that console.
Spock...: Yes, Captain. I surmise that there is a 99.352345% chance that it
was a short circuit that caused the explosion. I will run a
diagnostic on the console to confirm this.

[An hour later.]

Spock...: All systems running 100%, Captain.
Sam/Kirk: Then let's get going. Ensign Rand, engage.

[As the Enterprise reaches warp speed, Sam feels a slight tingling, and a
familiar blue-white light envelopes him.]

-=> ACT 3 < =-

Kirk....: What happened?
Spock...: I'm sorry, Captain?
Kirk....: We did slingshot successfully, didn't we?
Spock...: Captain, we ended up in Earth's past, but we have tried the
slingshot again - I am confident that everything is correct now.
Kirk....: Well that must have just been a weird dream about this laboratory
I had.
Spock...: Possibly, Captain, though I doubt it. However, we have more
pressing matters at this moment.
Kirk....: Correct, Spock. Check our co-ordinates.

[Moments later.]

Spock...: Captain, computers do not recognise this system at all. It...

[Suddenly the red alert goes off.]

Chekov..: Keptin, 2 unidentified wessels have appeared from varp... I think.
Kirk....: You think?
Chekov..: Vell, it does not look like varp power that they are using.
Spock...: Captain, the unidentified vessels are over 4 times our length and
width. Each ship's mass is approximately 64 times greater than our
own - they are using a form of energy, type unknown, power unknown.
Kirk....: Really, Spock, that sort of information went out when we did the
original series. We only allowed it in Star Trek - The Motion
Picture for old times sake. [aside] by the way Trekkers, the first
5 movies are now available as a set in widescreen format for
#XXXXX at your local video sell-through store! But enough of that,
Uhura, signal the ships.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. Unidentified vessel, this is the U.S.S. Enterprise,
please identify yourselves.
Chekov..: Keptin, they are heading towards us... I've checked our ship's
library - unfortunately, "Jane's Book of Unidentified Spaceships" -
[aside] only #XXXXX at any XXXX XXXXXX or your local bookstore -
has no listing for a spaceship the shape of a wedge of cheese.
Kirk....: This is damn peculiar - Chekov, red alert, raise shields. I don't
want to be caught out like last time in Star Trek II.
Chekov..: [at helm] Yes, ve all know what happened then.
Kirk....: Ok, ok, so I made a mistake. Let's just forget about it!
Uhura...: Captain, the ship is responding to our hail.
Kirk....: On screen, please.

[A man in a black uniform with a helmet on starts to speak in a booming
voice.]

Vader...: This is Lord Vader of the Imperial Star Destroyers Vantoon and
Gandor - identify yourselves.
Kirk....: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We are
from the United Federation Of Planets. We come in peace, we er...
seem to be lost.
Vader...: I do not recognise any United Federation Of Planets. We are
commandeering your ship - you will not resist us, or you will die.
Kirk....: Let's not get too hasty now - can't we negotiate?
Vader...: Surrender your ship and prepare to be boarded, rebels.
Kirk....: Rebels? I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Vader...: Then prepare to feel the power of the force.
Kirk....: The what?

[Suddenly Kirk feels like someone is strangling him. He begins to choke and
falls back onto his seat.]

Kirk....: *cough* *choke* *gasp* Chekov...fire *choke* phasers

[Phaser fire flys from the Enterprise and slams into the side of the Gandor.
On board the Imperial ship...]

Falton..: Lord Vader, the Gandor's deflector shields have sustained 32%
damage!
Vader...: What! Return fire Commander Falton.

[The Vantoon fires and particle beams hit the Enterprise's saucer section.
On board the Enterprise, Kirk is able to breathe properly.]

Kirk....: What did he do?
Spock...: I suspect that he has some form of telekinetic ability.
Kirk....: [smiling weakly] Just like the good old days, hey Spock?
Spock...: Indeed, Captain.
Kirk....: What's our shield status?
Spock...: Only 8% damage to shields, Captain. They use a form of particle
beams which are inferior to our phasers. I have analyzed their
ships and have managed to ascertain that they use two forms of
energy. One is a powerful ion drive, and the other is a form of
hyper-space.
Kirk....: Hyper-space? Is that possible?
Spock...: Theoretically, yes, by mixing enough matter with kinetic energy,
but it proved too complicated for our scientists, and was
abandoned in favour of warp technology in the 21st century.

[The Enterprise is hit by the Gandor this time.]

Kirk....: This is getting damn annoying.
Chekov..: Shields down 15%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Chekov, I want maximum fire - I want their shields down, and I
want it down yesterday.
Chekov..: Aye, Keptin. Phasers locked!
Kirk....: Fire!

[The Gandor rocks under the Enterprise's phaser fire.]

Chekov..: Their Gandor's shields are down, Keptin!... The Vantoon is firing
again.

[The Enterprise is hit.]

Chekov..: Shields down 22%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Battle speed - fire!

[The Enterprise flies round the Gandor and fires - the Gandor's shields
collapse and the bridge blows up. A series of small explosions lead to a
large one - the ship explodes. Back on the Vantoon.]

Vader...: You have failed me Commander Falton.
Falton..: I'm... sorry, Lord Vader. *choke*
Vader...: It is for the last time, Commander.
Falton..: *gasp* *choke*
Vader...: Commander Oftel, you are in-charge now.
Oftel...: Y-Yes, Lord Vader.

[As Falton falls dead at Oftel's side, the Vantoon rocks under multiple
phaser fire from the Enterprise.]

Officer.: Commander Oftel - shields are at 46%! One more shot and... sir,
the Death Star is approaching.
Oftel...: Excellent. We will show these rebel scum the power of the mighty
Empire.

[Phaser fire rocks the Vantoon again.]

Spock...: The Gandor has been destroyed - the Vantoon is heavily damaged.
Its' shields are at 17%.
Kirk....: Uhura, signal the ship - tell them that I'm asking for their
surrender.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. [starts signalling the ship.] This is the U.S.S.
Enterprise - we order you to surrender your vessel... respond
please.
Spock...: Captain, a new signal has entered long range sensors.
Kirk....: What is it?
Spock...: Sensors say a spherical ship over 6 miles in diameter. Heavily
armoured and with a very large ion cannon, with more than enough
power to obliterate a planet. It will be in firing range in 30
minutes.
Kirk....: That's not good news, Spock. Scotty...

[Down in engineering Scotty, who is adjusting and phaser couplings, grumbles
and touches a key on the nearby comm panel.]

Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk....: Scotty, I need you to re-design the phasers to give us enough
power to destroy a heavily armoured ship about 6 miles in
diameter.
Scotty..: But Cap'n, ye' know that's nay enough time - it'll take 2 weeks to
figure out the circuits and matrix for it. An' we'll have to use
the main deflector dish.
Kirk....: I need it in 25 minutes or we're all dead.
Scotty..: In that case I can have it ready in 29 minutes.
Kirk....: You've got 27 minutes.
Scotty..: Throw in two weeks extra shore leave and you have a deal.
Kirk....: It's a deal then. Kirk out.

[The Enterprise shudders under fire from the Vantoon.]

Spock...: Shields at 70%.
Kirk....: Spock, start calculations for another slingshot, just in case.
Spock...: Captain. The ship has disappeared from long range sensors.
Kirk....: Hyper-space?
Spock...: A distinct possibility.
Kirk....: E.T.A.?
Spock...: Approximately 2 minutes 23.45745 seconds.
Kirk....: Great, just great. Scotty?

[Down in engineering.]

Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A slight change to plan. I need the phasers in 2 minutes.
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n, but it'll cost you an extra two weeks shore leave and
double pay for a month.
Kirk....: You got it.
Scotty..: Everything will be ready in just over a minute. Scott out. [aside]
little does he know fellow parody readers, I've been watching 20th
century episodes of Blue Peter, and here's the circuits I prepared
earlier made out of four cardboard toilet rolls, two baking trays,
two washing-up bottles and sticky-back tape. Just plug them into
the existing circuitry and... voila. Scott to bridge...
Kirk....: Kirk here.
Scotty..: All done, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A miracle, Scotty.
Scotty..: Aye, that it is, Cap'n, that it is...

[Back on the Vantoon.]

Oftel...: Lord Vader, the Death Star has come out of hyper-space.
Vader...: Excellent. Tell Governor Zolt to fire when ready.

[A quick scene change back to the bridge of the Enterprise.]

Spock...: Captain, the ship has appeared out of hyper-space. There is an
enormous energy build-up. It is getting ready to fire.
Kirk....: Chekov, channel all power to the main deflector dish and lock onto
that ship. As soon as you've fired, I want warp 9.8 to a distance
of 1 million miles away from this point away from the explosion.
Chekov..: All ready, Keptin.
Kirk....: FIRE!

[An orange-blue-white beam races across space and slams straight into the
middle of the Death Star, and a moment later, comes straight out the other
side. The Enterprise goes into warp and vanishes into the distance just as
the Death Star explodes, taking the Vantoon with it.]

Kirk...: Well, that's that little episode dealt with. Spock, are we ready
for that slingshot again?
Spock..: All systems fully functional, Captain.
Kirk...: Chekov, warp 10!

[The Enterprise warps off around the nearest star, hopefully to their
correct destination, but I doubt it...]

-=> ACT 4 < =-

Kirk....: Spock?
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain. Checking co-ordinates now...
Kirk....: Well...?
Spock...: If I were human, I'd say... do you want the good news or the bad
news?
Kirk....: Give me the good news.
Spock...: The good news is, we are in the correct star system.
Kirk....: Then what's the bad news?
Spock...: Wrong time period again.
McCoy...: Spock, are you sure you're fully recovered from the mind-meld with
me back in Star Trek III? It's not like you to make mistakes.
Spock...: I am perfectly aware of the difficulties of slingshot calculations
Doctor, however, there have been nothing wrong with my
calculations at all.

[The turbolift doors opens and Scotty steps out.]

Scotty..: Cap'n, my poor wee bairns are being stretched too far. The
dilithium crystals canna' take much more.
Kirk....: Well, unless the computers are malfunctioning somehow, I can't see
why we keep ending up in the wrong place. Scotty, check Spock's
console - maybe there's a fault in it.
Scotty..: Ok, Cap'n, but I can tell you now, ever since they installed the
new Intel trans-dimensional molecular crystal chips in that thing
back in Starbase 29, things have been slightly "off". If you ask
me, and you haven't, these new chips haven't even been field-
tested - they're a bit of a orange.
Spock...: I believe the correct term is "lemon", Mr. Scott.
Scotty..: Apples, bananas, what's the difference? Who cares? I'll just
replace them with the older molecular chips - I have a few spare
back in engineering.
Spock...: Captain, something's just appeared in long range sensors - a small
oval-shaped object about .651231 meters tall, and .45234 meters
wide. Sensors register an unidentified life-form.
Kirk....: Is it dangerous?
Spock...: No weapons detected of any sort.
Kirk....: Uhura, call transporter room 1 and have them beam the object into
science lab 1 for analysis, then call Doctor McCoy and a security
team to meet me there.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Spock, come with me. Mr. Chekov, you have the conn.

[Later, down in Science Lab 1.]

McCoy...: Well Jim, put basically, as far as I can tell there is a small
10-legged creature with a long 50cm tail inside. It has potent
sulphuric acid for blood and it's still alive.
Kirk....: Is it intelligent?
McCoy...: I don't know.
Kirk....: Should we open it?
McCoy...: I don't think we have to.
Kirk....: Why?
McCoy...: It's opening itself - look!

[The top of the egg opens. Kirk moves forward...]

Spock...: I suggest caution, Captain.
Kirk....: Good idea, Spock. Security, set phasers on kill, shoot only if
necessary. [To alien] We come in peace!

[The alien suddenly bursts from its egg and jumps onto one of the security
officers.]

Kirk....: Don't shoot, it's on Lt. Expend'able. [Ed: I'll give you readers
one guess what's going to happen to a security officer with a name
like this - and it's not good news :-) ]

[Lt. Expend'able falls onto the floor unconscious.]

Kirk....: Bones, can you help him?
McCoy...: I'm a doctor, not a... oh, sorry!

[McCoy rushes forward with his hand-scanner.]

McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Oh, sorry - wrong page. I get so used to saying
that! Now where was I? Ah, yes. He's alive, Jim... barely. We'd
better get him to sick-bay quick.

[A quick scene change. 8 hours later in sick-bay...]

Kirk....: Bones, how's the patient?
McCoy...: Not too good. As far as I can tell, the creature has implanted an
embryo into the Lt. Expend'able's body. I daren't operate as I
don't know what will happen - in all likelihood, he'll die.

[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]

Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!
McCoy...: Pulaski? That name sounds familiar.
Kirk....: Didn't you deliver her sister-in-law's baby boy a couple of years
back? You met him again a few weeks ago. You know, the kid who
said that when he's a dad, he's going to call his son after you,
and his daughter Katherine. Funny name to call his son though. I
mean, "After You" is hardly a name, is it?
McCoy...: Very funny, Jim. Actually, I remember now. I delivered two baby
boys that night. One was Nurse Pulaski's sister-in-law's child,
and the other was Nurse Crusher's child. I met both kids 3 weeks
ago. What was Crusher kid's name...? John, I think. Yes, he said
that he was going to marry too and call his daughter Beverly. I
wonder if it'll all happen? BUT, this is all irrelevant to the
plot - the writer's only put this into the parody to fill up space
and link us all together somehow. Dumb idea if you ask me!
Edwin...: Hey, I heard that!
De.Kelly: So what - it's not like I'm getting paid to do this!
Edwin...: I'm the one using up my precious time doing this. You're not even
real!
De.Kelly: Oh yeah, well I don't have to take this. You can't do anything! I
have an agent!
Edwin...: Look, I'm in-charge. I can have you killed off in an instant!
De.Kelly: You can't do that, it's against Paramount's rules - no deaths of
any major character.
Edwin...: But you forget, this isn't going to Paramount, AND it's a parody -
anything can happen in a parody. I can kill off and bring back to
life anybody! I decide what happens! It's like being God!
De.Kelly: Listen you, I've just about had it with parodies. You know where
you can put your parodies...
Edwin...: Right, that's it...

[Suddenly there is an explosion and the ship rocks. McCoy falls and smashes
his head on a table. He falls onto the floor, his neck broken.]

Shatner.: Oh my lord, what have you done?
Edwin...: I've killed him.
Shatner.: But how can we go on without him?
Edwin...: Don't worry, it's just to prove a point - I'll just turn back time
to the point when Christine Chapel comes in, and we can start
again, ok?
Shatner.: Ok.
Edwin...: Right, now to bring Bones to life... get it? Bones to life? Ok
then - bad joke, forget it. You ok now De?
De.Kelly: Yeah, sorry.
Edwin...: Yeah, I'm sorry too - all's forgiven. Back to the plot...

[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]

Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!

[They all dash to Lt. Expend'able's bed.]

Kirk....: Where's the creature?
Pulaski.: *SCREAMS* AAARRRGGGHHH! [Points at floor before grabbing Kirk and
holding him very close and tight to her body.]
Kirk....: There, there. It's ok. I've got you now. You're safe with me. Why
don't you meet me in my quarters at 2000 hours and we'll talk all
about it?
Pulaski.: Oh Jim, I feel safer already. I'll just go and get changed into
something more sexier... I mean more comfortable. See you later.

[Pulaski smiles before dashing off.]

Kirk....: Nice lady...
McCoy...: What is it with you! Didn't you learn anything with that Martia
creature?
Kirk....: Sorry Bones, I can't help it. How's the creature?
McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Lt. Expend'able is ok, but I'm worried about the
embryo in him. Lieutenant, are you ok?
Lt.Expend'able: I'm feeling ok. Can I have a bite to eat?
McCoy...: Well I'm not too sure until we have more test results on what's
inside you.
Lt.Expend'able: But I'm starving.
McCoy...: Ok - try this Saurian Brandy. It's my own special concoction...

[The lieutenant takes a glass, swallows and coughs.]

McCoy...: ...I added some Kentucky Bourbon.

[The lieutenant coughs more - violently this time. He clutches his stomach.]

McCoy...: Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it?
Kirk....: Something's wrong, Bones!
McCoy...: Yeah, maybe I should have used Scotch like Scotty advised.
Kirk....: I mean with the lieutenant!
McCoy...: Oh right!

[Suddenly a bump appears from the lieutenant's chest - there is a crunch and
blood comes pouring out. A crack and the ex-lieutenant's chest bursts open!
A small two-legged creature pops out and runs off.]

Kirk....: Fire phasers!

[Everyone who is carrying a phaser draws and fires in the creature's
direction. Patients dive for cover as phaser fire goes everywhere. Moments
later...]

Kirk....: Hold fire! Where's the creature?
McCoy...: I think you missed. You just about managed to disintegrate half my
sick-bay though.
Kirk....: Sorry, Bones.
Chekov..: Bridge to sickbay. Keptin, vhat happened?
Kirk....: Chekov, I want you to turn this ship inside out - there is a small
6 inch, 2-legged creature running around and it must be killed...
I mean captured if possible. Kirk out. Bones, you'd better stay
and sort out this mess. I'm going bug-hunting. [Kirk sets his
phaser for maximum disintegrate.]

[Hours later, another scene change to 2 security officers searching a
Jeffries tube...]

Security Officer 1: Hey, it's a bit slimy up here.
Security Officer 2: Better note it down. You know how Scotty hates unclean
Jeffries tubes.
Security Officer 1: Yeuck, there's a piece of skin here too - looks like
it's from the creature the Captain was telling us about.
Security Officer 2: Ok, put it in this plastic bag and I'll take it to...
Security Officer 1: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! HELPPPPP!!!
Security Officer 2: What the... Security to Jeffries tube 4, this is an
emergency! The creature, it's... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[Minutes pass... finally Kirk runs around the corner to find Bones and Spock
already there, looking at a big mess...]

Kirk....: What happened here?
McCoy...: Well, considering that all I can find amongst this blood plastered
all over the corridor are these few limbs, I'd have to say that
it's bad news only.
Kirk....: You mean that they're badly injured?
McCoy...: It's worse than that - they're dead, Jim!
Chekov..: This is werrry bad news.
Spock...: The only possible option now Captain is to kill the creature.
Kirk....: Maybe this creature is like the Horta - just protecting something.
A child perhaps?
McCoy...: Not possible, Jim. Tests showed that it's a male, only basic
animal intelligence - it probably works on instinct.
Kirk....: So talking's out.
McCoy...: Jim, if you... if any starship captain tried to negotiate with
that creature, he'd be dead! Who do you think you are? Jean-Luc
Picard?

[The comm. unit comes on.]

Scotty..: Cap'n, there's this slimy sludge all over my warp engines. What in
darnations been going on down here whilst I've been on lunch?
Kirk....: Sludge? SCOTTY, GET OUT OF THERE!
Scotty..: I'm not going anyway until this mess has been cleaned up.
Kirk....: Scotty, the alien's down there!
Scotty..: Well I'm not going to let any alien slime all over my poor wee
bairns. Scott out.
Kirk....: Damn. Security to the engine room, immediately.

[Down in engineering.]

Kirk....: Scotty, are you down here?
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n. I canna find the damn beastie anyway. Look at the mess
he made. It'll take a week before she'll be looking like the lady
she is. When I get my hands on that beastie...
Kirk....: Calm down, Scotty. Security is searching this ship from bow to
stern. The alien's not going to hide from us.
Scotty..: I know that.
Kirk....: How come?
Scotty..: Cos' it's right behind you.
Kirk....: What the...

[Kirk turns around to see the alien getting closer. He dives for cover and
pulls out his phaser.]

Kirk....: Everyone duck!

[Everyone dives for cover as Kirk lets loose a volley of phaser fire. The
alien is blasted and disintegrates.]

Scotty..: Good shooting, Cap'n.
Kirk....: It was nothing.
Scotty..: No, I mean it, ye' still the best.
Kirk....: It was nothing, really.
Scotty..: Ok then.
Kirk....: Well, when I say it was nothing I mean...
Scotty..: Look, you said it was nothing, so forget it.
Kirk....: But...
Spock...: Captain, we're needed on the bridge - the new calculations for
time travel have been worked out.

[On the bridge.]

Kirk....: All hands prepare for time travel. Mr. Chekov, warp speed!

-=> ACT 5 : THE FINAL ACT < =-

Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain... we seem to be in the correct star
system. Yes, the computers have just confirmed my calculations. We
are entering the Terran system now... but...
Kirk....: But what?
Spock...: We are some 5 years too late. I have been downloading the relevant
Starfleet records, and According to them, the Enterprise-D has
been in service for the past 5 years!

[Spock's sensors start to bleep.]

Spock...: And one of their starships have already found us!
Kirk....: Who is it?
Spock...: The ship identifies itself as the Enterprise!
Kirk....: On screen.

[The view-screen changes image to show a bald man on screen. However, all
Kirk sees is a lovely attractive young lady sitting on the far right of the
screen with the loveliest... *CENSORED*]

Kirk....: [To Deanna] Hello there, are you by any chance the Captain of this
fine vessel?

[Behind him, McCoy hands out the sick-bags to the bridge crew. Scotty enters
the bridge.]

Deanna..: [Blushing] Oh, aren't you Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: That's Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Deanna..: Oh forgive me.
Kirk....: That's ok, how about you beaming over and we can have ...... I
mean talk about your ship? Say my quarters at 2000 hours.
Deanna..: Well, it's not really my ship you see.
Kirk....: Oh, I was sure a lady with your intelligence and talent would be
in command of a starship.
Deanna..: [Blushing even more] That's so kind of you, but he's the Captain.
[pointing to Picard]
Kirk....: Oh - [to Picard] who are you?
Picard..: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
[pointing to various crew-members] This is my first officer,
Commander Riker.
Riker...: Your sexual prowess proceeds you, Captain Kirk.
Kirk....: Well, maybe you could do with a few tips.
Picard..: Ensign Ro Laren at helm.
Kirk....: Why hello Ensign Laren.
Ro......: That's Ensign Ro! Laren is my first name!
Kirk....: I'm sorry. How abouts you beaming over later on and I can apologise
in person, say my quarters at 2100 hours?
Ro......: Well sure...
Picard..: [looking at Ro disapprovingly] Lt. Commander Data at Ops...
Kirk....: A robot!
Data....: Actually Captain, I'm an android.
Kirk....: Android? I don't like androids. They give me the creeps.
Picard..: Ensign Wesley Crusher at science station 1...
Everyone: WESLEY!
Wesley..: Hello Captain Picard!
Riker...: I'll handle this Captain. What the hell are you doing here Ensign
Crusher?
Wesley..: I was assigned to this ship - I passed all my exams and as I got
100% in all my exams, they assigned me back here a year early.
Riker...: Damn! Captain, you said that if we promoted him to Ensign, we'd
never have to see him ever again!
Picard..: I under-estimated his mother, Number One. I didn't think she could
get him back aboard so quickly. Besides, she threatened to stop
having ..... I mean breakfast with me every morning.
Riker...: I see.
Picard..: Behind me is our Chief of Security and comms. officer, Lt. Worf.
Chekov..: A Klingon!
Kirk....: Ready phasers! It's a trap.
Picard..: No, they're our friends now. You fixed that didn't you?
Kirk....: So I did [aside] the biggest mistake of my life!
Worf....: Grrrr.
Picard..: Down boy. SIT!
Picard..: You've met our ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi, but what are you
doing here, Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: Well, I'm here to stop your Enterprise from being built, but it
looks like I'm too late for that, unfortunately.
Picard..: My Enterprise?
Scotty..: Enterprise - HA! That's a starship? You goons couldn'a recognise a
decent starship if it was pink and had white spots all over it. An'
I thought the Excelsior was bad!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a cream puff] Why you...
Picard..: Not now, Number One!
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: Shut up, Riker.
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: I can prove that my ship is better than yours.
Picard..: How?
Kirk....: Let's race for it. Winner keeps the other ship to do with as he
pleases.
Picard..: No.
Kirk....: What's the matter? Scared you'll lose?
Picard..: No, it's not that. My ship's better than yours - we won't lose!
Kirk....: So you're chicken?

[Scotty starts making various clucking noises.]

Picard..: That's it, you have a deal. No-one calls a Frenchman chicken and
gets away with it!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a triple-choc. cake] But sir...
Picard..: Shut up, Riker. Just name the time and place.
Kirk....: Sigma-Delta-1 to Sigma-Delta-15 and back - we meet at Sigma-Delta 1
at 0000 hours tomorrow.
Picard..: It's a deal! Picard out!

[Back on the Enterprise-A]

Chekov..: Keptin, can ve vin against it?
Kirk....: Of course. Scotty, I want you to fine-tune the engines to 110%
efficiency. I want all the power you can muster.
Scotty..: I'll give ye' 120% - we'll beat that excuse for a starship, even if
I have to get out an' push.
Kirk....: I hope it won't have to come to that. Chekov, plot a course to
Sigma-Delta-1, warp 7.

[12 hours later...]

Kirk....: 0000 hours - where's that duck?
Spock...: Sensors show a ship coming along side us - it's the Enterprise-D.

[On The Ent-D.]

Picard..: Worf, open a channel to the Enterprise-A. Captain Kirk, are you...
Worf....: Channel open, sir.
Picard..: [aside] he did it to me again! [To Kirk] Captain Kirk, are you sure
you want to do this - you can still back out, after all, you might
as well face the fact that you're going to lose. Chief Engineer
LaForge is the best in Starfleet.
Kirk....: Don't worry about us - we'll be ok. You can still pull out, of
course. Your ship might not be able to cope. Kirk out.
Picard..: Why you...
Riker...: 10 seconds before we start.
Picard..: Engine room. Ready for maximum warp.
Data....: 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... now!
Picard..: ENGAGE!

[In an instant, both Enterprises warp off into the distance. The Enterprise-D
pulls away from Enterprise-A. On both ships...]

Picard..: Ha! That'll show him!
Riker...: Well done, sir.
Picard..: Shut up, Riker.

Kirk....: Damn - Scotty, what's happening down there? We're losing!
Scotty..: Sair, my poor wee bairns canna take much more - we're pushing warp
9.5 already!
Kirk....: I want warp 9.9 now.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Varp 9.7... 9.8... 9.9!

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is now at warp 9.9 and will overtake us in
3 seconds.
Picard..: What! Engine room, I want warp 9.95 now!
LaForge.: I wouldn't recommend it, Captain.
Picard..: No arguments, Commander.
LaForge.: Yes, sir.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Data....: Now at warp 9.9... 9.94... 9.95.

Spock...: Captain, the Enterprise-D is at warp 9.95.
Kirk....: This isn't good - Scotty, I want warp 9.99!
Scotty..: Sair! Surely ye canna be serious!
Kirk....: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Warp 9.93... 9.95... 9.97.. 9.98... 9.99!

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99!
Picard..: That's not possible for a starship! We need warp 10!
Data....: Sir, that is impossible.
Picard..: I don't care, I'm not going to let any ship outrun my ship.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley..: But, sir!
Everyone: SHUT UP, WESLEY!
Wesley..: Look, I'm an ensign now, you have to listen to me!
Troi....: He has a point, Captain.
Picard..: Damn. Ok then, but make it quick Ensign.
Welsey..: I can increase this ship's engine power by 100%
Data....: Hoe are you going to achieve that?
Wesley..: Well, by re-routing half the engine's circuitry and...
Picard..: Ensign Crusher, report to the engine room at once!
Wesley..: Yes, sir.

[As Wesley leaves the bridge, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But down in
engineering...]

Wesley..: Hello Geordi.
LaForge.: What are you doing down here?
Wesley..: I'm here to help you.
LaForge.: Who said so? This is my engine room - go and re-build someone
else's!
Wesley..: Captain Picard sent me down here.
LaForge.: Well, ok then, but be careful!
Welsey..: [smiling] Great - now to extract the trans-dimensional isolinear
micro-circuits...
LaForge.: [cringing] My poor baby...

[Meanwhile both Enterprises have reached Sigma-Delta-15 and are swinging
around it.]

Kirk....: Status.
Spock...: We are neck and neck.
Kirk....: Scotty, we need more speed.
Scotty..: Sair, I canna give you any more - it's nay possible.
Kirk....: Yes it is Scotty. I want you to use all available energy for the
engines, including life support - keep it at a minimum for us.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99NNN j
Picard..: Engine room, how's Ensign Crusher doing?
LaForge.: Captain, he's just about done. If what he says is true, we should
reach warp 18!
Wesley..: Ready now sir!
Picard..: Mr. Data, engage!

[The Enterprise-D shoots off into the distance leaving poor old Enterprise-A
trailing in it's wake.]

Kirk....: Spock, what happened?
Spock...: Unknown sir. Apparently the Enterprise-D has a few tricks up it's
sleeve.
Kirk....: That does it! Scotty?
Scotty..: Aye, sair?
Kirk....: If we tie the Quantum accelerator to the dilithium chamber and
connect the silly-plotus-computus with the new Motorola 68,050,000
chip will we get to warp 50?
Scotty..: No, but if we press this green button I recently installed into
Chekov's console...
Chekov..: That button wasn't there a moment ago.
Scotty..: Of course not, the writer decided to add it in only just now.
Chekov..: Vhat does it do?
Scotty..: Well let me check the script... ah! It'll let us go as fast as we
want to.
Chekov..: Incrwedible!
Scotty..: Well we'd better get on with it!
Kirk....: Chekov... press that button!

[The Enterprise-A suddenly zooms off and leaves a massive trial of rainbow-
colours behind it. On Enterprise-D....]

Data....: Sir, something is coming up right behind us.
Picard..: Wha...

[Suddenly something screams straight pass the Enterprise-D, honking it's
horn. The Enterprise-D shudders in it's wake.]

Troi....: I feel great satisfaction...
Picard..: I'm sorry???
Troi....: I mean great joy, happiness, comfort.. err... where's my thesaurus?
Picard..: Data, identify that ship...
Data....: It was the Enterprise-A. I'm afraid it has just beaten us. Sensors
say it has just entered Sigma-Delta-1's orbit!
Picard..: Damn! Damn! Damn!

[Much later on, Picard hands over the keys to the Enterprise to Kirk.]

Kirk....: Thanks.
Picard..: So what are you going to do with my ship?
Kirk....: Isn't it obvious? I've place anti-matter pods all around your ship.
She'll blow in 15 seconds and we'll be rid of that ugly ship once
and for all.
Riker...: They won't do it, Captain. They wouldn't dare.
Kirk....: Scotty, beam everyone down now.

[Everyone is beamed onto the nearby planet. As Picard and co. stare, the
Enterprise-D blows up.]

Riker...: They did it - the ship's gone!
Picard..: [smiling] Look on the bright side, Number One.
Riker...: What's that, sir?
Picard..: Ensign Crusher was still on that ship when it blew. I set up a
force field in his room.
Riker...: [breaks out in a wide grin] Excellent manoeuvre, sir, excellent
manoeuvre....
Beverly.: Why you! Wesley *sob* my poor baby *sob*
Welsey..: Captain Picard! Mom!
Everyone: WESLEY!
Welsey..: Somehow I got trapped in a force field, but I'd set up a personal
site-to-site transporter beforehand, just in case.
Picard..: Damn, damn, DAMN!
Riker...: Better luck next time, sir. Still, it was worth a try.
Kirk....: Beam me up, Scotty!

-=> EPILOGUE <=-

[The bridge doors open.]

SHEEEEESH.

Kirk….: Once again we’ve saved civilisation as we know it. Spock, prepare
for time travel – we’re going home. Mr. Chekov, warp 10!

[The Enterprise warps around the nearest star. Moments later...]

Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: We’ve reached our own time successfully, Captain.
Uhura…: Sir, message coming in from Starfleet Command – they want to know
where we’ve been for the past few days. They’re ordering us to take
the Enterprise back right now for decommissioning.
Chekov..: So, this is goodbye?
Uhura…: We’ve been dead before.

Spock…: If I were human, I believe my response would be… you can take
your order and shove it up your *$%*(^%… if I were human.

[Everyone gasps!]

McCoy…: Spock! I can’t believe what you just said!
Spock…: Believe your ears Doctor. I was just employing one of many
colourful metaphors I learned whilst in the 20th century.
Scotty..: Captain, we could…
Kirk….: Slingshot round the nearest star and never come back?
Scotty..: Just a thought, Captain.

[Kirk thinks for a moment, and then a smile appears on his face.]

Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: The computer has been programmed to pick a random century.
Kirk….: Chekov, 2nd star to the right and prepare for time travel.
Chekov..: Ready, Keptin.
Kirk….: Warp 10… engage.

[The Enterprise warps off round a star and vanishes moments later. Where to,
only the Enterprise and her crew will soon know, and wherever they've gone, I
know we will all wish them safe and prosperous voyages.]

“Captain’s final, final log: This ship and her history will NOT shortly
become the care of a new generation as we have it – she’s all ours! HA! HA!
HA! Gibber, gibber, slob…

Er, Captain?
Yes, Spock?
Are you… feeling ok?
Hmmm… yes, Spock. Just slipped up for a second back there.
Indeed, Captain…
Now where was I? Ah yes…

WE will continue the journeys WE began over 25 years ago, exploring space,
the final frontier, continuing the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life forms and new
civilisations, journeying to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going
where no-one has gone… before…..

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES…..

THE END?


The TOP TEN lines from, “The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell”:

10. (Troi) I sense… indigestion.

9. (Picard) Don’t order the fajitas, Number One, they’ll go through you at warp nine.

8. (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free “Little Orphan Annie” cup with any taco salad purchase, and I’m not leaving here till I get one!

7. (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!

6. (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 27 percent.

5. (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.

4. (Picard) You’re on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert.

3. (Riker) What do you mean you don’t serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican restaurant is this?

2. (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.

1. (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, you’d better not queef on my chair!

From: Mr. Spock #1
Date: 02-19-92 18:41
>I want to know how stardate works
>
in the original series, animated series, movies, classic books, and classic
comic books, they mean nothing…they are just made up numbers…in The NExt
Generation, it works like this.

STARDATE 45173.6 means it is the twenty 4th century, the 5th season, the 1st
month of production in that season, the 7th day of that month, the 3rd hour,
and 6th minute, when that segment was filmed…sometimes for continuity, the
last 2 digits are just made up.

The TOP TEN reasons Picard won’t fire the phasers:

10. He doesn’t know how.
9. He doesn’t want to succumb to crew pressure.
8. He doesn’t wnat to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
7. He doesn’t want to use the same effects as the old show.
6. Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
5. It saves energy.
4. He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
3. He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
2. The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
1. What would his mother say?

From the USS Excelsior BBS.

As with all things Geek, Star Trek had a special place in the hearts of Geeks and was pretty much the only thing going that had any significant substance to it, despite all the YATIs (Yet Another Trek Inconsistency).  Thus may alternate stories popped up, some funny, some _very_ adult, others just plain stupid.  Enjoy them as they were written :)

Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation

“Where No Sane Man Would Go”

Captain’s Log, Stardate 32768.0:

After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that something interesting will happen. On another note, I must admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates I am required to quote. They remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard: Stop smirking, number one.

Riker: I wasn’t aware that I was, sir.

Picard: You do, Riker. All the time. And stop leaning against things with your head hunched down between your shoulders.

Riker: [Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir.

[Tweedlesquirge]

Data: Captain, ship’s sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at extreme range.

Picard: Analysis?

Data: It’s too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.

Picard: Then how do you know it’s a derelict?

Data: I do not know, sir. I would speculate that it is a writer’s error.

Picard: Obviously. Well, let’s rubber band our way over there and have a look at it. Geordi, set course.

Geordi: Aye, sir. Three two two point eight nine mark four three… seven… and some other meaningful numbers.

Picard: Engage.

[Purrdlefreezowp]

EXTERNAL SHOT:

[fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!!]

BRIDGE:

Data: Approaching derelict craft.

Picard: Scan it, Mr. Data.

[Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp]

Data: It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century.

Picard: [Muttering] Not again….

Data: It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent function.

Riker: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Troi: Hey! That’s MY line!

Riker: Well, you dropped your cue….

Picard: I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.

Data: Awwww…

Picard: Riker, put together an away team.

Riker: Aye, sir. Geordi, Worf; come with me. [Shouting at ceiling] Lieutenant Tsu to the bridge.

Ceiling: OH, GOODIE!

Picard: And don’t bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there.

Riker: Of course, sir.

——–

[Fade. Opening credits. Commercial for Ginsu Knives and a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having gingivitis.]

——–

Captain’s Log, Stardate 32768.5:

We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer. Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate. While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes, I nonetheless feel that this is going to be very unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS. STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR. THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE.

[FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! The away team appears.]

Riker: [Tapping communicator] Down and safe.

Worf: Uh, wrong series, sir.

Riker: Ooops…

Picard: Good, number one. Keep the channel open and continue

to report.

Riker: Aye, sir.

Picard: And don’t smirk.

Riker: Yes, sir.

Geordi: Sir, this doesn’t make any sense. This is an ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open space. It should shatter under the pressure.

Riker: That’s nothing compared to what I think we’re going to find.

Worf: OOoooo. Foreshadowing.

Geordi: [Looking through a disc of plexiglas] Now, *this* is interesting…

Picard: Describe what you see, Geordi.

Geordi: I see… Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary…

Riker: Come on, Worf. Let’s go downstairs.

[Riker and Worf go downstairs.]

Riker: Well, here we are downstairs.

Worf: It appears to be the crew’s quarters.

[Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunk beds, with a human female in each.]

Riker: Hey! Lookit what I found!

Picard: What have you found, Number One?

Riker: No, I found two females. They appear to be in some sort of coma.

[Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males.]

Worf: Two more humans over here, sir. They also appear to be comatose.

[Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man.]

Worf: Still more over here, also dead to the universe.

Picard: Let’s hope they stay that way.

[Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start.]

O.M: AAGGGHHH!!!! Oh, good heavens! Who are you?? What do you want??

Riker: No such luck, sir.

Picard: Oh, pooh…

O.M: [Pointing at Worf, cowering] What are *you*??

Worf: I am a Klingon.

O.M: [Cowering] Oh, how very apt.

[As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of their coma.]

Man 1: Who are you? What are doing on my ship?

Woman 1: Who are they?

Man 1: I don’t know.

Worf: I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.

Riker: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Geordi….

Geordi: …Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and…

Riker: Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!

Geordi: … er, yes, sir!

Man 1: Who are you?

Riker: I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf.

Man 1: Where do you come from? How did you get aboard?

Riker: We’re from the Starship Enterprise.

Man 1: Never heard of it.

[Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks. Geordi enters from the rear of the room.]

Riker: We’re from Starfleet Command.

[No response.]

Riker: The United Federation of Planets.

[Still no response.]

Riker: Earth, you dullards!

Man 1: Oh! Sorry. We’ve been out of touch for a while.

Riker: And you are…

Man 1: My name is Robinson. This is my wife, whose name I can’t seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can’t seem to remember; my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.

O.M: [Sheepishly] Hello…

Robinson: And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.

Smith: How do you do, sir. I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth. I fear my powers of perception are failing me.

[A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator.]

Voice: Disturbance! Disturbance! I will render assistance.

Robnsn: And that is our robot.

Picard: Riker! What’s going on???

Riker: We’ve encountered six humans and a robot. They seem ordinary enough, though they haven’t heard of the Federation.

Data: I recommend we beam them over, sir.

Picard: You would.

Geordi: I concur with Data, sir. That plate glass window is going to go at… *Any Moment!*

Picard: Oh, very well. But keep them out of my way.

Tsu: [Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think you do] I’m here, sir.

Picard: Good. Take Geordi’s station.

Riker: Transporter room!

Xport: Sir.

Picard: Nine people and a robot to beam over.

Xport: Ready to beam you over, sir.

Riker: Engage.

Xport: You mean “energize”.

Riker: Oh, yeah. Right.

Xport: … Well?

Riker: ENERGIZE!!!!!!

[FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh!]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY. THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH. THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING. PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI. THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD.

McCoy: Dammit, Picard. What do you think you’re doing throwing these peoples’ molecules all over creation?

Picard: Admiral McCoy! What are you doing here?

McCoy: Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway?

Picard: She wasn’t cute enough.

McCoy: You *must* be kidding!

Troi: Captain…

Picard: Yes, counselor.

Troi: I’m sensing great stupidity.

Picard: Who from?

Troi: Everyone.

McCoy: That’s unsurprising. I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it’s barely measurable, even all the way down to the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three Reagans apiece.

Troi: No, sir. It’s more than just the people we picked up from the ship. It’s much greater than that…

Ceiling: Captain, this is Ensign Tsu. The helm has just gone down. I can’t navigate the ship.

Picard: Go to manual control.

Ceiling: Sir, that trick never works.

Picard: Try it, anyway.

Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname. The fire sprinklers just went off down here, but we don’t know why. Everything’s getting wet. Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here…

Picard: Turn them *off*, engineer.

Ceiling: We can’t, sir. The faucet handle broke off in my hand.

Picard: [Rhetorically] What is going on????

Ceiling: Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.

Picard: \

Data: \

Riker: \

McCoy: > Shut up, Wesley!

Geordi: /

Worf: /

Troi: /

Ceiling: But sir! Holodeck two just turned itself inside out. And it’s not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

[Picard dons a look of amazement and panic.]

Ceiling: …Though it is kinda neat.

——–

[Fade to black. A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar. Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese excuse for a Jeep.]

——–

Captain’s Log, Supplemental:

I’ve given up on stardates. It’s probably meaningless, anyway. My ship is in total chaos. Utterly impossible things are happening all over the ship, seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, or even common sense, the holodeck notwithstanding. It’s like a nightmare.

Picard: Riker, you’re smirking again.

Riker: Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.

Picard: I find nothing amusing about it. You can’t run a starship with chaos running rampant. I didn’t get where I am today by letting chaos run rampant.

Leonard Rossiter: Of course not, C.J.

Riker: Where did he come from?

Data: I believe it is a reference to a old British entertainment series.

Picard: Good God! Everyone’s being infected. Even me!

Ceiling: Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat. The toilets have just backed up into the warp drive. It’ll take time to clear.

Picard: WHAT!!?????

Ceiling: In the meantime, we have… *No Power!*

Picard: [Rhetorically] This is unbelievable.

Ceiling: And the fire sprinklers are still running. We’re working on it.

[Pshhhhhh. The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin and a rather dilapidated tabby cat.]

Penguin: [Approaching Picard] How do you do. I’m Mr. P. Opus.

George Bush is a wimp. I’d like you to meet my running mate, Bill the Cat.

Bill: Ack! Phft!!

[Pshhhhhh. Wesley enters from the other turbolift.]

Wesley: Sorry, sir. They got loose from the holodeck. It’s going absolutely berserk. Tasha even walked out and handed me an old pulp-paper publication entitled ’Playboy’.

Data: Is she still there?

Wesley: Dunno. Why don’t you go look?

[Data gets up to leave.]

Picard: AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!

Data: But sir…

[Pshhhhhhh. The Robot enters.]

Robot: [Flailing arms] DANGER! DANGER! WARNING! DANGER! WARNING WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

Picard: Why are you yelling that?

Robot: I don’t know. It seems appropriate somehow.

[PFFT! The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and quite boorish man.]

Viewer: TV… or MTV? [PFFT! Same thing, only female this time.] TV… or MTV?

Picard: [In a perfect Graham Chapman twang] WHAT IS GOING ON!!?????

Data: We appear to be intercepting some old Earth transmissions, sir.

[Pshhhhh. Will Robinson enters.]

Robot: DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Will: What is it, Robot?

Robot: Unknown intelligence nearby. Danger!

[Pshhhhhh. Dr. Smith enters. Picard is fuming.]

Smith: There you are, you bubble-headed booby! I have chores for you.

Robot: DANGER! DANGER!

[Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack.]

Smith: That’ll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!

Picard: [Smoke pouring out of his ears] EVERYONE GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!

Riker: Aye, sir.

Picard: NOT **YOU!!**

Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface. We’re up to our waists here with water from the fire sprinklers. Some of the waterproof components are starting to rust.

Smith: [At ceiling] You incompetent ninny! Where did you study engineering?

Ceiling: I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and…

Picard: OUT!!! OUT!!! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker: Yes sir.

Picard: NOT ****YOU!!!!****

[The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel. Picard sits down, ready to spit venom.]

Troi: I sense great frustration, sir.

Picard: No sh*t, Sherlock.

Troi: You mustn’t blame yourself, sir. You are not at fault. Some greater force is at work.

Picard: Shut up, Wesley.

Troi: Huh?

Picard: [At ceiling] Bridge to Medical Bay. Doctor…

Ceiling: This is the Medical Bay. All our lines are busy. Please hold; your call will be answered in the order it was received. [Muzak]

[Riker smirks.]

Picard: Computer!!!

Computer: Hi there! Whatever your problem, I’m here to help you solve it. All I want to do is to make your day more and more bearable.

[Picard is stunned rigid. He ambles in a daze over to his ready room.]

Door: [Pshhhhhh] Thank you for making a simple door very happy.

CUT TO PICARD’S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the tropical fish in it). PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY DUMBFOUNDED. RIKER ENTERS.

Door: [Pshhhhh] Glad to be of service.

Riker: Shut up. [To Picard] Sir, are you all right?

Picard: I’ve lost control.

Riker: Sir, I don’t know what’s going on.

Picard: So what else is new?

Riker: There’s no need to be abusive, sir.

Picard: It makes me feel better, Number One.

Riker: Sir, there has to be some external force at work. All this chaos couldn’t happen naturally. I mean, everyone’s acting so stupid…

[You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head.]

Picard: STUPID! That’s IT!! Counselor Troi mentioned something about stupidity just before all hell broke loose. Where is she?

Riker: Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar’s quarters to pick out a new costume for herself.

Picard: Let’s go. [They get up.]

Door: [Pshhhhh] Thank you so very much.

Picard: Stick it up your nose. [To Data] Data, come with me.

Tsu, you have the con.

Tsu: Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

[They enter the turbolift.]

Picard: Lieutenant Yar’s quarters.

Turbolift: I’m fine; how are you?

Picard: I said, Lieutenant Yar’s quarters.

Turbolift: I’m fine; how are you?

Picard: Now what!?

Data: Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.

Riker: Go for it.

Data: Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data. If you don’t take us to Yar’s quarters pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major databank with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget. Understand?

[Silence.]

Data: Okay. Get the axe.

[The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters.

Picard and Riker eye Data quizzically.]

Data: A literary reference, sir. Given the current situation, it seemed appropriate.

[The door opens, and they exit.]

CUT TO YAR’S STATEROOM. PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.

Picard: Counselor Troi! Where are you?

[Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar wore for Data.]

Troi: Hello, Umzadi.

Riker: Troi! Uh…

Troi: I sense great desire…

Picard: Good God! Troi’s been affected, too.

Data: Rather well, it would seem.

Riker: Sir, if you don’t mind…

Picard: Oh, go ahead. You’re no use to me, anyway. Go do something productive for a change.

Riker: Aye, sir. [Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with Troi. Picard and Data enter the hallway.]

Picard: Now what do we do?

Data: If I may recommend, sir. Since all the trouble began with the arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem prudent to question them.

Picard: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data. Let’s get some answers.

——–

[Fade to black. Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on people, followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial. K-Tel offers you every Top 10 hit ever made. Trained professionals demonstrate a Popiell Pocket Fisherman, since no normal human could use them; and a banana slug tries to sell you a used car.]

——–

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard: Right. I want some answers, and I want them now.

Will: Two plus two is four.

Mother: Be quiet, dear.

Will: Where’s Lassie, mom?

Mother: I left that series, dear.

Picard: Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.

Mr. Robinson: [To Data] Are you an android?

Data: [Getting upset] No! I’m an eggplant!! WHY DOES

EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT??? [Starts jumping up and down]

Picard: Data! Why are you getting upset?

Data: [Reverting instantly to his normal self] Getting upset is a human trait, and I do try to be more human…

Picard: Well, stop it. [To family] Now, I want some answers.

Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why.

Mr. Robinson: No idea.

Mother: Got me.

Penny: Duh…

Co-Pilot: Let me get back to you on that.

Robot: Danger! Unknown intelligence nearby!

Smith: Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!

Will: Captain? I’d like to help if I can.

Picard: Oh, great. Another boy genius. I should have signed onto a trawler or something.

Data: I would not discount the boy’s offer so quickly, Captain.

Picard: [Sighs] Oh, all right. Tell me how you got all the way out here.

Will: Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri. But our robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course. Since then, we’ve been Lost In Space…

[Stupid music starts up.]

Picard: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it!

[Music runs down.]

Picard: Please go on.

Will: Anyway, everywhere we went, we’d encounter strange aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying us. The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble.

Smith: [Indignant] Such gratitude! And after all the help I’ve rendered…

Picard: Shut up!! [To Will] So how long have you been out here?

Will: I don’t really know.

Picard: Couldn’t you ever find your way back to Earth?

Will: Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen, and we’d get lost again.

Picard: What would happen?

Will: Oh… It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a space walk for no reason, or…

Picard: STUPID! Are you sure?

Will: Oh, yeah. It was always something really dumb.

Picard: Thank you. You *have* been helpful. [To Data] Let’s go.

[Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall.]

Picard: What do you think, Data?

Data: Penny is cute…

Picard: No no no no!! What do you think of their story?

Data: I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation that is upon us now. However, I believe that whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us.

Picard: Speculation?

Data: I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds on stupidity.

Picard: What? You mean we’re reusing a plot device?

Data: It has been done before, sir. If you’ll recall in The Naked Now…

Picard: Yes, yes, I know…

Data: This situation seems far more amusing, however…

Picard: Never mind your editorial remarks, Data. How do you propose to eliminate this creature?

Data: To eliminate it, we must first locate it.

Picard: And how do we do that?

Data: Are you completely helpless or something?

Picard: *Humor* me!

Data: It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter of the stupid activity.

Picard: The holodeck?

Data: A good place to start, sir.

Comm button: Captain Picard? This is Chief Engineer Snidely P.

Whiplash. We’re up to our chests in it now…

Picard: Why don’t you just beam the water out?

Comm: Oh, no, sir. That’s far too obvious.

Picard: What are you doing about it?

Comm: I’ve got my best men working on it…

[In the background:]

Man 1: You numbskull!! [SLAP!]

Man 2: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Man 1: And you! [BONK!]

Man 2: Ow!

Man 3: Hey, leave him alone!

Man 1: Oh, a wise guy… [TOINK!]

Picard: Dear God. Should we set self-destruct?

Data: Inadvisable, sir. It would probably malfunction. I suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.

Delay could be fatal.

Picard: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Computer….

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: [Winces] Hi. Sound Red Alert.

Computer: Sure thing!

[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer: How’s that?

Picard: Wonderful. Thank you. [Glances heavenward. Taps comm. again] Worf!

Worf: Sir!

Picard: Meet us at holodeck two. And don’t take the turbolifts. Bring Geordi with you.

Worf: At once, sir.

Picard: Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?

Worf: Stupidity is too much like… *bathing!*

Picard: [Shakes head] Picard out. Let’s go, Data.

——–

[Fade to black. John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's. Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds."]

——–

PICARD AND DATA WALK THE HALLS OF THE ENTERPRISE. THEY AVOID THE TURBOLIFTS LIKE THE PLAGUE, TAKING THE GANGWAYS INSTEAD.

Data: Caution is recommended, sir. Anything could happen.

[A giant 16-ton weight falls from nowhere and crashes to the deck.]

Picard: Understood, Data.

[Pshhhhh. A nearby set of doors opens to reveal a moose standing erect on its hind legs, and a squirrel wearing a leather flight helmet.]

Moose: Rocky, I don’t think we’re in Frostbite Falls anymore.

Squirrel: Don’t be silly, Bullwinkle. This is the Starship Enterprise.

Moose: Are you sure? I used to watch that show all the time, and this doesn’t look anything like it.

Squirrel: Silly, this is the new Enterprise.

Moose: [Pointing to Picard] Who’s that guy?

Picard: I’m Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

Moose: You’ve *got* to be kidding.

Squirrel: He’s the new Captain, Bullwinkle…

Moose: You’d think they would have found a cure for baldness after 300 years.

Picard: Phasers on kill, Mr. Data.

Moose: Oooo! I always wanted to see what those looked like from this angle…

Squirrel: Oh, Bullwinkle…

Picard: Fire!

[PHWATT!! The moose and squirrel disintegrate.]

Picard: I wish I’d thought of that before. Let’s hurry before something else stupid happens.

[Before they can get twenty feet, another door opens to reveal a well-dressed man holding a briefcase.]

Man: Excuse me, Captain, but I’m afraid you’ll have to cease and desist this story immediately.

Picard: Ignore him, Data. [They try and move on, but the man obstructs their path]

Man: I’m sorry, sir, but I have an injunction. [Produces thick legal document] I’m afraid this show infringes on the look-and-feel of my client’s copyrighted works. You’ll have to cease immediately, pending a lengthy and obscenely expensive civil suit.

Picard: Infringement?! What are you talking about?

Man: Your companion, Mr. Data. He clearly infringes on my client’s copyrighted character, C3PO.

Data: [Aside to Picard] It’s a lawyer, sir. Very dangerous.

Picard: Understood. [To lawyer] Ahem. Writ ex-post-facto habeas corpus, ipso-facto, injunction hearing, irreparable harm disclaimer, and overturned on appeal.

Man: [Confused] Mr. Picard, you’re talking nonsense.

Picard: So are you. FIRE!

[PHWATT!! Data and Picard fire at... POINT BLANK RANGE! The lawyer slowly collapses, and his chest bursts open. Zillions of little white cockroaches fly out. A mother creature identical to the one in _Conspiracy_ rears up from the chest cavity and shrieks. Picard and Data phaser it to smithereens.]

Picard: I hope that’s the last of them.

Data: Quickly, sir. Time is of the essence.

PICARD AND DATA CLIMB A GANGWAY TO THE HOLODECK LEVEL. THEY EMERGE INTO THE HALLWAY.

Picard: What could happen now?

Data: Absolutely anything, sir.

[There is a loud BEEP BEEP from behind. Picard jumps straight up into the ceiling, banging his head. He turns to find a very large road runner standing there. It sticks its tongue out at him. Picard fires his phaser, but the bird takes off down the hall, outrunning it. The phaser beam instead blasts a very large black duck at the end of the hall, who is now burnt and smoking.]

Duck: [Wholly indignant and sarcastic] Shoot me again! I

love the smell of ionized air! And burnt feathers!

I’m an Elk! Go ahead and shoot me! I’m a Fiddler

Crab!! Why don’t you shoot me?!?? IT’S FIDDLER CRAB

SEASON!!!!!

[Picard obliges. PHWATT!! The duck ceases to exist.]

Data: Classical physics may no longer apply here, Captain.

Picard: Let’s hurry up.

[Picard and Data run down the hall. As they approach an intersection, they hear a horrible grinding noise
that grows louder. As they arrive, a large blue box appears out of nowhere, with a flashing white light on
top of it. The door to the box opens, and a female emerges.]

Female: [Screams bloody murder. A nearby transparent aluminum panel shatters.]

[A appallingly badly dressed man emerges from the box.]

Man: What is it, Mel?

Female: Oh, nothing Doctor. I just felt like screaming.

[Picard raises his phaser.]

Data: No, sir. They may be useful.

Picard: They’re loony tunes, Data.

[Stupid music starts.]

Picard: Stop that!! Stop it!!

[Music runs down.]

Man: Hello. I’m the Doctor, and this is my friend Mel.

Picard: I’m Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. This is Lieutenant Commander Data.

Doctor: An android?

Picard: No, he’s an eggplant.

Data: Thank you, sir.

Doctor: He sure beats the hell out of Kamelion…

Picard: Why do you think they’re useful, Data?

Data: The woman’s scream may be useful as a diversion.

Picard: Agreed.

Doctor: [Sarcastically] Thank you! I can be useful, too, you know.

Picard: Somehow, I doubt it. But come along anyway.

[The Doctor locks up the blue box and he and Mel follow along. They walk along the corridor, now very close to the Holodeck.]

Singing voice down the hall: Love, exciting and new, come aboard, we’re expecting you….

[Picard and Data fire in the direction of the voice out of reflex.]

Voice: Love, life’s sweetest re… [PHWATT!!] AAGGGHHH!!!

Voice from opposite end of hall: Gimme a light!

[Data spins around and blasts its owner.]

Voice: [Just before completely disintegrating] No, Bud Light… AAGGGHH!!

[Picard and Co. approach the last intersection before the holodeck. Worf and Geordi are there.]

Picard: Excellent Worf. You made it.

Worf: Not without difficulty, sir. We had to phaser our way through several dozen blue dwarves wearing white stockings on their heads. I found it quite satisfying.

Picard: Geordi, what’s your assessment?

Geordi: I’m scanning through the entire spectrum. Nothing makes any sense, though it does look really cool.

Picard: Can you discern any center of activity?

Geordi: No sir, not directly. The activity appears to be coming from within the holodeck itself.

Picard: Right everyone. Phasers set to industrial strength kill.

Worf: I only have a Dustbuster, sir.

Picard: Set it to “shag rug” and let’s go.

[Picard and Co. approach the open holodeck door. Light, gas, dust, and all manner of stuff is spewing
forth from the door, not unlike the scenes from _Poltergeist_. Wesley is at the door, fooling with some circuit panel.]

Picard: Wesley! What are you doing?

Wesley: I’m trying to get my Mom to come back!

Picard: You can’t do that! Gene fired her!

Wesley: I don’t care! I’ll bring her back at all costs!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

[Worf slugs Wesley in the gut, who doubles over and falls motionless to the floor.]

Picard: Good work, Worf. Geordi, what do you see?

Geordi: I’m sorry sir, but my batteries just went dead. I shoulda used Duracells…

Picard: Dura-what?

Geordi: Lasts millions of times longer than regular carbon batteries… [Geordi starts going bonkers.]

Data: He appears to have been completely engulfed by the force inside, sir.

[Picard adjusts his phaser to stun, and shoots Geordi. Geordi falls unconscious on the floor.]

Picard: That should keep him out of trouble, as well as keeping him out of our way. Deep breath, everyone. We’re going in.

[They plunge into the maelstrom.]

——–

[Fade to black. More banana slugs. Vidal Sasoon doesn't look good. Time magazine tries to entice you with a cheap phone. And of course it's absolutely vital that you call 976-1212; directory assistance for 976 services (all calls $2 plus toll).]

——–

[Picard and Co. plow through the insanity. All is chaos for a few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find themselves in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room. The walls are adorned with gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies, and mementos. Several posters adorn the walls, apparently advertising various forms of entertainment, including _Under The Cherry Moon_, _Hello, Marin, Hello_,
_Heaven's Gate_, and Lorimar Telepictures. Three men are seated at the head of the table.]

Man 1: Welcome, Captain Picard.

Data: [Aside to Picard] This is it, sir. This is the core of the disturbance.

Man 1: Quite right, Mister Data, quite right. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Aaron Spelling. This is my good friend, Glen A. Larson…

Glen: How do you do.

Aaron: And this is Steven J. Cannell.

Steve: Hello.

Aaron: Please, sit down.

Picard: No, thank you. What’s happened to my ship?

Aaron: Relax, Captain, relax. It’s the natural order of things. Some refreshments!

[Aaron claps his hands. A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray and sets it down upon the table.]

Aaron: Thank you, Vanna. [She turns around once, then exits.]

Picard: What do you mean, the natural order of things?

Aaron: Surely, you’re aware of the principle of entropy?

Picard: Of course.

Aaron: We are merely carrying that principle to its natural conclusion: The entropy of human intelligence.

Picard: But man isn’t naturally stupid…

Aaron: Oh, but he is, Captain. Simply observe for yourself how easily your ship and your crew succumbed to even the simplest of our techniques.

Picard: Fortunate happenstance. We weren’t expecting it…

Aaron: I’m afraid not, Captain. We’ve successfully subjected entire nations to these techniques, and they have capitulated quite readily. They’ve even welcomed it.

Picard: Welcomed it?!??!!! No doubt you didn’t give them a choice!

Aaron: Oh, but we did, Captain. They could have stopped at any time. All they had to do was turn us off. There were plenty of alternatives. Movies, live theatre — something which I understand you’re familiar with –, even PBS. But they *chose* to stay with us. We didn’t make that choice for them. Humans *want* to be stupid, Picard. Otherwise, we would not have been successful. Look at your own history. Drug abuse, religious wars of all kinds, American politics, the legal profession, rec.humor, talk.bizarre, IBM, Apple… The list goes on and on.

Picard: We’ve grown beyond that. To quote my first officer, we’re not savages anymore.

Aaron: Ah, yes. Your first officer, who is currently participating in various forms of debauchery without
protection, which by now your species should realize is the height of stupidity. No, Captain. Your species
is no better now than it was a thousand years ago.

Picard: He’s under your influence! He wouldn’t do such a thing of his own accord. How can you call yourselves superior when you treat those beneath you so harshly?

Aaron: It’s not like we’re heartless monsters, Captain. We do have morals, and it pains us to see your species so easily taken in.

Steve: I even chose to pull one of my own creations off, partly because it was too stupid even for your
species…

Picard: [Fishing] But mostly because…

Steve: [Eagerly completing sentence] It wasn’t profitable anymore…

Aaron: Shhhhh!!!!

[Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another. A lightbulb goes on above all three of them.]

Worf: FERENGI, SIR!!

[At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear-shatterer. All the tumblers on the tray
burst into pieces. Aaron, Glen, and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain to shut out the unexpected
sound. Worf, who is used to such sounds, drops, rolls, and comes up with his phaser firing. He hits Steve,
who falls to the ground. His disguise dissolves, revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.

[Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dump truck nearby turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five frames per second. Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches him in the head, and Worf is knocked unconscious.

[Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen,
who crumples to the floor. His disguise dissolves, too.

[Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body flops to the ground.]

Data’s head: Oh dear!

[Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted. Picard recovers from the ordeal. He looks
to the end of the table to see Aaron, or rather, the Ferengi officer. Picard raises his phaser and fires.

[POING! A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!"]

Ferengi: It is too late, Picard Captain. Your ship will transmit our stupidity waves across your entire
Federation. Your species will be turned into babbling nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly from your
species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at inflated prices.

[He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him.]

Ferengi: Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!

[The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls through a trap door that appears out of nowhere.
There is a long descending whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW".]

[Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen:]

Box: WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!

[The Doctor runs in abject terror.]

Box: Look at this studio! Filled with glamorous bonus prizes! Fabulous and exciting merchandise!!

[Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the screen.]

Box: Our first puzzle is a phrase. [Doo dee ding dong]

Data’s head: Sir!! Destroy the box!! Quickly!

Box: “One-fifty.” “S!” BZZT! “Nope, no S.”

Picard: With what?

Data’s head: Anything!!!!

Box: “Two hundred…”

Picard: There’s nothing here! What should I use?!?!??!

Data’s head: R! Guess R!

Box: “P!” BZZZT! “Nope, no P.”

Data’s head: You idiot!!

[Data is lost to the stupidity wave. Picard forces himself toward the device. The box has a slot with the
legend "Tape".]

Picard: [Summoning all his will power] COMPUTER!

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: Eject the tape!!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want to do that?

Picard: YES!!!!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you absolutely sure? It’s not finished with yet…

[Picard ignores the question. He manages to look at the conference table, and notices a stack of papers.
He grabs the stack, and removes the paper clip holding them together. He bends it straight, and shoves it
into a hole next to the tape slot. The tape promptly ejects. However, the screen does not go blank.]

Box: Yes, there are three F’s. [Ding. Ding. Ding.]

Picard: DATA! WHAT DO I DO!!???

Data’s head: Guess R! Guess R!

[In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen with all the strength he can muster. The
tape case and screen crack. The screen goes blank. For a moment, all is quiet. Then, the tape and screen
start arcing, slowly at first, but gaining in intensity. Picard steps back.]

Data’s head: [Recovering] Sir! You must get it off the ship at once, and get as far away as possible!

[Picard moves to put Data back together.]

Data’s head: No sir! There’s no time for that! You must get it off the ship now!!!

[By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to pick up. He wracks his brains....]

Picard: Computer! Exit!

Computer: Sure thing!

[The exit appears. Picard rushes outside to find the nearest transporter. The ship is still in chaos. Thousands of tubes of pump-format Crest For Kids obstruct his path. He stumbles over a Pet Rock. He rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in a white suit.]

Man: Welcome to Fantasy Starship! I am Mr. Rork, your host.

[Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him.]

Dwarf: Oooo, dat wasn’t verry nice!

[Picard phasers him, too. He continues to rush down the corridor. Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle painted black with flickering red lights on the front rounds the corner and speeds toward
Picard at 100 MPH. Picard attempts to phaser it, but the beam simply bounces off with some cheap
pyrotechnics.]

Car: Michael! There’s a man obstructing the corridor!

Driver: I see him. Turbos, buddie!

[PWAFFFF!! The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into the wall behind him. The car is demolished.]

Car: That was pretty damn stupid, Michael…

Driver: Well, it’s always worked before…

[Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation. He speeds down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges
several religious fanatics with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the transporter room.

[Picard scrabbles at the controls. He programs the computer to connect to the holodeck's interprocess
communication port, and extract the box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the transporter platform. In
moments, the box/tape appears, arcing wildly. Picard punches in random coordinates frantically, and energizes. The box/tape disappears.]

Picard: [Punching comm. panel] Ensign Tsu!!

Tsu: Yo!

Picard: Get us out of here!! Warp nine!!

Tsu: But I want to see if she wins the bonus round…

[Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway. He runs to a bridge-access turbolift, and suddenly remembers
that the only way on to the main bridge is by turbolift. Cursing again, he spins around and heads for engineering.

[He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing in the hallway. He rounds another corner, and collides with a heavy-set man with glasses, and a pocket protector. He is holding a thick tome of stapled pages.]

Man: Hi. We’re thinking of implementing the keyword ‘noalias’. What do you think? Not that what you think makes any difference…

Picard: [Picking himself up] Huh?

Man: We’re also going to make the string space read-only, and enforce parenthetical groupings in all cases. We feel this will go a long way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and Ada.

Picard: What about binary constants?

Man: Sorry, no way. No prior art…

[PHWATT!! Picard phasers him and the tome. He continues running. In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering, and nearly runs into it, since it fails to open. Picard waves his arms around, but nothing happens. ]

Picard: COMPUTER!

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: Open this door!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want me to do that?

Picard: YES!!!!

Computer: Okay, you asked for it!

[Pshhhhhhhh! Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water. Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each
other.]

Man 1: You idiots! [THUMP! BONK!]

Man 2&3: Oooff!

[Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console.]

Picard: Engineer!

Engineer: Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.

Picard: Start the main engines!

Engineer: But we haven’t unclogged the toilets yet…

Picard: I DON’T GIVE A SH*T!!!!

Engineer: No, but the toilets will if we start the engines.

[Into comm. panel] How are you two making out down there?

Female voice 1: Laverne! Get your head out of the matter-antimatter reactor!

Female voice 2: I can’t, Shirley! My hairpins are caught! Hand me the magnetic scissors…

Female voice 1: You mean this?

Female voice 2: No! Not that! [BLAM! static...]

Picard: [Losing it] START THE ENGINES!! **NOW!!!**

Engineer: [Capitulating] Aye aye, sir.

[Airhead presses the engine start button. Immediately, all the toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth
odiferous guck. A disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight.]

Picard: Course is set! WARP NINE, NOW!!!

Engineer: But sir!…

Picard: ***>>NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!<<***

[Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button.]

CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:

[RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB... **SPLOWFFFF!!!!** Water spurts out of every conceivable engine orifice.

[fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!!]

Picard: Computer! Rear viewer!

Computer: Righto!

[The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view of the rear of the ship. Stars streak off
into the void at warp nine. Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most expensive explosion
ILM ever made goes off. The entire ship is flooded with an intense white hazy light. The ship rocks violently. People are bouncing off the walls. Sparks fly everywhere.]

CUT TO YAR’S BEDROOM.

Troi: Oh, Umzadi! In-CREDIBLE!

Riker: [Smirking] Uh, thanks.

CUT TO EXTERNAL SHOT OF EXPLOSION EFFECTS. ILM STRUTS THEIR STUFF LIKE NEVER BEFORE. NOT A SINGLE MATTE LINE ANYWHERE! AS THE EXPLOSION SUBSIDES, THE RESULTING CLOUD FORMS ITSELF INTO THE VAGUE SHAPE OF A CLOWN’S HEAD. AND DESPITE THE TOTAL VACUUM OF SPACE, WE CAN BARELY MAKE OUT A VOICE, WHICH SEEMS TO UTTER, “I have complete faith in Ed Meese.” SOON, ALL IS DARK AND SILENT. CUT BACK TO ENGINEERING. PICARD IS LEANING AGAINST THE CONTROL PANEL. HE AWAKENS, AND LOOKS ABOUT.

Picard: [Shouting at ceiling] Bridge! Ensign Tsu!

Ceiling: Aye, sir.

Picard: Damage report.

Ceiling: [Pause] No damage, sir.

Picard: No damage?? That’s impossible!!

Ceiling: With all due respect sir, so was everything else that happened in this kooky story.

Picard: [Reflecting] Hmmm. Quite right, Ensign. I’m on my way up.

CUT TO BRIDGE. THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED. DATA IS IN ONE PIECE AGAIN.

Picard: So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the chaos on the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.

Data: Correct, sir. Since there was no logical foundation for the chaos to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi device was destroyed.

Picard: Hmmmm… Do you suppose that they may try again?

Data: Unknown.

Riker: I certainly hope not. What do you think, Deanna?

[Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker.]

Worf: I think the Ferengi will not try again. They do not have the necessary bravery.

Picard: Yes, Worf. You were unaffected. Aren’t Klingons susceptible to stupidity?

Worf: [Shakes head] Klingons are immune to all forms of human weakness.

Geordi: Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.

Picard: We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf. It would seem that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to do. Data, lay a course for Starbase One. We’re in serious need of some R&R.

Data: Course plotted and laid in, sir.

Picard: Engage.

[Freedlezrowp!]

Riker: What about the Robinson family?

Picard: What about them?

Riker: Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?

Data: I’d like to keep the Robot, if I may. It could prove most intriguing.

Picard: Absolutely not! I’m having them transferred to the USS Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight months. It’ll give them time to get a clue.

Geordi: What about The Doctor and Mel?

Data: Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device. The Doctor regenerated into a different actor with much better fashion sense, entered his blue box, and disappeared.

Picard: Good. I didn’t have much use for them.

[FOOMP! A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head. Picard eyes him with some regard.]

Riker: It was Data’s idea sir. He’s still exploring the nature of human humor.

Picard: Excellent, Data! You’re beginning to get the idea.

Wesley: I’m going to sell you for scrap, Data.

Picard: Shut up, Wesley.

[Riker smirks.]

Picard: And don’t smirk, Number One.

Riker: Sir.

Picard: And *stop* hunching your head between your shoulders!

——–

T H E  E N D