by Leon Myerson

COPYRIGHT 1988 by Leon Myerson – permission to download and reprint this
essay for free distribution within the ranks of Star Trek fandom is hereby
granted provided the author’s name and this copyright notice are retained.
This essay may be periodically superceded by revised versions uploaded to
Data Library 2 of CompuServe’s Science Fiction Forum.

DISCLAIMER SECTION: None of the ideas expressed in this essay are
“official”. All concepts put forth are solely my own opinions and
speculations, and as such, might be completely contradicted by “official”
Star Trek material issued in the future. I have drawn as much as possible
upon the filmed Star Trek episodes and features, and refer to such
“references” as the Franz Joseph blueprints and Technical Manual, and to the
“Spaceflight Chronology” book, when I have found it useful to do so. At
other times, I made it up. This material and any companion essays I may
upload, are for the sole purpose of having fan-fun with the Star Trek
universe. I have no connection whatsoever with ST:TNG or with Paramount, I
just like to speculate regarding futuristic science. -Leon.

Warp numbers do not directly refer to speed, but to power. Warp 1 is the
power level required to enter the warp continuum, and is known as Threshold
power. Warp 2 is twice that power level, etc. Fractional warp is simply
less than Threshold power while the ship, though traveling via warp field
effect, is still “in” the Einstein space-time continuum at sub-light speed.
The unit of power between whole warp factors for a given vessel is one
“Impulse”, as in the ST:TNG episode “Conspiracy” when Geordi answers Riker’s
command to increase from Warp 5 to Warp 6 by acknowledging the addition of
yet another full impulse to the power already coursing thru the warp
nacelles.
The formula relating the Warp number W to velocity in terms of C is not
the hopelessly inadequate V = W^3. In Trek Classic’s very first episode the
Enterprise was seen at the edge of our galaxy. Even assuming this to be the
near edge reached by going perpendicular to the galactic plane, it is still
at least 1500 light years from Earth. At a cruising speed of Warp 6 = 216 C,
the ship would have spent at least 7 years getting out there, then 7 more
back.
Nor would that formula fit the size of the United Federation of Planets’
Treaty Exploration Zone mapped in the “StarFleet Technical Manual”. This zone
was pictured as being approximately 12,000 light years in radius, with both
the Klingon and Romulan empires located at the rim some 60 degrees apart.
Clearly, Enterprise did not require an excess of 50 years to reach the neutral
zone.
In the ST:TNG episode “Conspiracy”, Picard and Riker confront the parasite
mother creature in the guise of Lt. Cmdr. Remmick as he/it sends a beacon to
the parasite beings’ homeworld via StarFleet’s own CommNet. The 3-D map of
that network on the wall behind him fits almost perfectly the Treaty
Exploration Zone of the Trek Classic Era.

Instead of V = W^3, velocity is defined by the sum of an infinite series
known as the 3rd-order Cochrane function, which is applicable to Tertiary
warp effect fields such as are utilized by major Federation vessels from the
Tritium class onward. The first term of this series is the familiar W^3, the
second term is the integral of the first term, W^4/4, the third is the
integral of the second, W^5/20, and so on, ad infinitum. Each term is the
integral of the preceding term. Thus the common mistake so often made is to
quote only the first term of the series as if it were the entire function.
The behavior of this series is such that the terms rise in value at
first, then become increasingly smaller so as to converge on a definite
value. This may be calculated by the equivalent formula:

V = 6 * { e^W – [ (W^2)/2 + W + 1] }

where V = velocity, W = Warp factor, and e = base for natural logs 2.71828..

When calculated in this manner, this function gives the following values:

Generated Uncorrected
Power Warp Speed x C

1 1.31
2 14.33
3 69.51
4 249.59
5 779.48
6 2270.57
7 6384.80
8 17639.75
9 48315.50
10 131792.79
11 358809.85
12 976018.75
13 2653889.35
14 7214947.68
15 19613332.78

For starship designers, these numbers seemed too good to be true, and
indeed they were. From the earliest days of starship operations, warp
engines had always registered a small power loss as they were fed more than
Warp 1 power. Defined as the difference between Generated Power and
Delivered Power, this drain was ascribed to the faintly conceived notion of
“continuum drag”. It was Delivered Power that determined actual velocity
according to the 3rd-order Cochrane function. As the phenomena was still too
poorly understood for mathematical description, progressive increases in
power generation capability had to be matched empirically with increases in
Delivered Power via actual flight testing, and the term Warp Factor continued
to refer to Generated Power.
The Dilithium breakthru made it possible to generate unprecedented
multiples of threshold power, and led to the Federation’s investment in the
Constitution class vessels. Able to safely generate and sustain Warp 8
power, these ships found the drag/drain worsening rapidly at the higher
levels.
It was the USS Enterprise, under Christopher Pike, that first challenged
the “Warp Barrier”. After three month’s total overhaul at the Terran Orbital
Shipyards personally supervised at every stage by Montgomery Scott, the ship
went on speed runs pushing her anti-matter reactors as high as Warp 13 for a
few seconds at a time. The resulting measurements at last permitted Scott to
define the continuum drag equation:

tan(A)
CDF = G – ———————————— + 10
(G-S) + (tan^2(A)+((G-S)^2)-1)^(1/2)

and thus

D = G – CDF

where D = Delivered Power; G = Generated Power; CDF = Continuum Drag
Factor; A = 5.1050881 radians; and S = 9.8658770244 (Scott’s constant). The
corrected table of Warp speeds is therefore:

Generated Delivered Warp Speed
Power Power x C

1 1T A 000 1.31
2 1.98354 13.91
3 2.96260 65.98
4 3.93509 230.94
5 4.89755 696.42
6 5.84370 1926.80
7 6.76140 4999.38
8 7.62571 12075.26
9 8.38615 26048.20
10 8.96633 46707.91
11 9.33067 67348.90
12 9.53548 82717.85
13 9.65322 93087.64
14 9.72615 100151.85
15 9.77477 105155.01

Old Warp New Warp

A graph of Scott’s equation plotting Generated Power as X against
Delivered Power as Y, shows that at threshold power (Scott’s equation and the
3rd-order Cochrane’s function are not applicable below this point) X = Y = 1,
and the graph line proceeds at an almost 45 degree angle assuming equal
scales. (This graph is available as WARP10.RLE in DL2 for those with IBM PCs
or compatibles.)
But as Generated Power exceeds 8 times threshold level, Delivered Power
deviates ever more significantly and the graph curves sharply to the right.
The curve is half of a hyperbola, rotated by angle A, with the significant
asymptote line represented by the equation Y = 10, so that while the
Generated Power may go arbitrarily high, the Delivered Power will only
approach ever more closely but never equal 10. The speed value for Warp 10
from the uncorrected chart, 131792.39 times the speed of light, is the
theoretical limit of the Tertiary warp effect, and can only be approached,
never equaled or exceeded. This is also the velocity of such warp continuum
energy transmission phenomena as sub-space radio and the standard phaser
effect. (The complete hyperbola is graphed in WARP_X.RLE, also in DL2.)
By the time of ST:TNG, it had become standard practice to quote Warp
factors in terms of Delivered, rather than Generated, power. This explains
the apparent discrepancy between the eras. Overall Generated Power
capabilities are still crucial to military vessels, as even a few dozen extra
C’s may mean the difference between success and failure when outrunning or
persuing an opponent. Here then is the standard warp factor scale used in the
24th century:

Delivered Generated Tertiary
Power Power Warp

1 1.0000000000 1.31
2 2.0167653720 14.33
3 3.0383208502 69.51
4 4.0670614879 249.59
5 5.1072983806 779.48
6 6.1676537197 2270.57
7 7.2682459514 6384.80
7.5 7.8487197368 10628.50
8 8.4694304149 17639.75
8.2 8.7364919027 21588.78
8.4 9.0203187626 26414.32
8.6 9.3280961537 32310.48
8.8 9.6717993420 39514.34
9 10.0729838055 48315.50
9.1 10.3071067812 53422.73
9.2 10.5747605008 59067.65
9.3 10.8903152831 65306.85
9.4 11.2777216596 72202.80
9.5 11.7800905867 79824.61
9.6 12.4836439773 88248.61
9.7 13.5895662949 97559.17
9.8 15.7014109302 107849.55
9.9 21.8369448362 119222.79
10 INFINITE 131792.79

New Warp Old Warp Velocity x C

To calculate the Generated Power corresponding to a given Delivered
Power level, use the formula:

((D-10)^2*(tan(A)^2-1)-tan(A)^2
G = S – ———————————
2*(D-10)*tan(A))

An interesting aspect of the 3rd-order Cochrane function is that Warp 1
is not C but 1.31 x C. Taking the reciprocal of this number, 0.763, gives
what is known as threshold velocity. Under fractional warp power, a starship
“accelerates” as the power is steadily increased. At Warp .99999 etc., the
ship is traveling at 0.763 x C. Transition occurs, an explosive event
accompanied by the hauntingly beautiful phenomena known as the Chromatic
Detonation, the optical analog of a sonic boom. In the next micro-instant,
the ship is on “the other side”, traveling through the warp continuum at 1.31
x C. The ship is never observed at speeds 0.763 < V < 1.31 under normal
conditions.
It should be noted however, that the boundary layer of the warp field
effect creates an envelope of 4 dimensional Einsteinian space-time within
which the ship travels. Therefore, all the familiar physical laws of the
“ordinary” continuum still apply within the envelope. From the outside, it
appears as though a space-time anomaly were manifested sequentially along a
linear path. Fleeting, multiple images of the vessel in the center of the
anomaly are created at widely spaced intervals which grow more distant at
higher warp factors. Light coming from within the envelope gathers at the
boundary layer until it reaches optical crossover threshold, at which point
it “pulses” through, thus re-entering normal space-time to project the image
of the ship. This effect was nicely filmed for the climactic scene in
ST:TSFS when we see the Enterprise fleeing the detonation of the Genesis
Device.
External light enters the envelope via complex optical interaction with
the warp field boundary layer. The micro-instant lost for photons in front
of the ship’s path to cross the boundary layer causes them to appear to
originate from directions shifted away from the line of motion in favor of
apparent origins perpendicular to the direction of travel. While an optical
blind spot exists directly behind the ship along the direction of motion, due
to the superluminal velocity involved, the tear-drop shape of the overall
warp field minimizes the area so blanked out to a vanishingly small region.
The overall effect is curiously symmetrical to that observed by vessels
approaching light speed in normal space-time. Such a vessel would see its
3-dimensional field of view collapsed into twin circles of light in front of
and behind the ship, with a band of darkness around its mid-section. A
vessel in the warp field traveling at superluminal velocities experiences a
tunnel-like effect in which the dark region consists of circles in front of
and behind the vessel, and its view of the universe is projected onto a
cylindrical tube which the ship appears to travel through.
Of course, the ship’s computers correct for this effect to present an
intuitively “normal” view upon the bridge and other viewscreens. Windows
facing port or starboard reveal a relatively normal view without
sophisticated correction, others have internal holographic layers which serve
as the functional equivalents of corrective lenses to keep the view at least
intelligible, if not exactly accurate.
Sometimes a foreign body, such as small pieces of asteroidal rock or
chunks of cometary ice are pulled into the forming continuum envelope as a
starship achieves transition. Usually this is a harmless occurence, unless
the “dragger” is massive enough to damage the hull if it should collide with
the vessel. If so, the ship will usually power down below threshold to
release the object, otherwise it can remain within the influence of the warp
field effect and go along for the5.84o the starship’s scheduled
destination. An unusually extreme instance of this effect occurs in ST:TMP
when the old Enterprise, bucking wildly from her imbalanced engines, pulled a
whole asteroid into the warp envelope formed around herself, and was forced
to pulverize it with a photon torpedo.
Old space junk from various inhabited systems often gets distributed
about the galaxy in this fashion, centuries in orbit about their star of
origin affording plenty of time for a chance encounter with a transitioning
starship. Some of places identifiable objects ultimately turn up can be
downright humorous. Items too small to possibly damage a vessel thru its
deflector shield are usually ignored, especially when they have no possible
salvage value.
An example would be the cryonics satellite found just prior to the
NCC-1701-D’s recent visit to the Neutral Zone which originally WAS orbiting
Sol, minding its own business for centuries. People in the future tend to
leave space junk that old alone, the objects most popular as tourist sights
actually being protected with “landmark” status. A sleeper ship such as
Khan’s would certainly have been detected, but the cryonauts registered NO
life signs at all, so no one ever knew what was in this craft. Eventually, a
starship pulled it into its envelope and carried it thousands of light years
out to the vicinity of the starbase Enterprise was visiting for Captain
Picard’s conference with StarFleet authorities regarding the apparent loss of
stations near the Neutral Zone.
This is also now considered the most probable explanation for the early
1990′s Voyager 6 probe having reached a black hole capable of sending it to
the “machine” planet, as various research ships have made many voyages
directly from the Sol system to known black holes since warp drive was first
employed. Its return to the Sol system as “V’ger” prompted some talk
off a system wide clean up of old hardware, but nothing ever came of it.

The relativistic time dilation experienced at Tertiary threshold
velocity is such that time passes at 64.6% per cent, or roughly 2/3′s,
the “normal” rate of objects “at rest”. This time dilation factor goes
along with the ship as the warp effect envelope separates from normal
space/time in crossing over the threshold, and remains stable
thereafter, so that all the time spent under way at superluminal
velocities is discounted by 1/3 for those on the vessel vs. those
staying behind. The effect is rather conveinient for starship crews, as
it effectively cuts by 1/3 the travel time between stop-overs, and since
all Tertiary warp vessels experience it, there is no disadvantage in
reaction time against opponents.
There are social aspects to the cumulative effect of a lifetime career
devoted to star travel, in that one’s age starts falling behind that of
friends, family, and above all spouse’s left behind. In the 2nd, 3rd, and
4th feature films, we see James Kirk wearing four bars and three dots on his
sleeve, indicating 23 years service in StarFleet. Yet his birthday
depression in ST:TWOK and the presence of the fully grown David Marcus all
point towards a 50th birthday. Assuming Kirk graduated the Academy at the
normal age of 22, adding 23 years leaves a 5 year gap. The gap is simply the
cumulative effect of the time he’s spent cruising at warp speed. For married
personnel, this “age gaping” becomes a serious problem over a lifetime, and
was a major factor in StarFleet’s decision to allow families to go along on
its latest vessels of the ST:TNG era.
A very important aspect of this effect derives from the behavior of the
threshold cross-over phenomena in the presence of intense gravitational
fields, such as would be found near stellar bodies. The intense warping of
space/time already imposed upon the region of the continuum nearest the star
causes it to become more tolerant of extreme profile skewing than normal
space. As a nearby ship accelerates, the threshold velocity is reached, but
cross-over does not occur, one has to increase the degree of skew with still
more power. This means going nearer to lightspeed while still in the normal
continuum, thus the time dilation factor increases. Since the time dilation
at cross-over remains in effect throughout the period spent in the warp
continuum’s sub-space, it is possible to retard one’s own rate of time
passage to an arbitrarily high degree to assist in making extremely long
voyages.
Some of the early Federation exploration ships, such as the famous USS
Horizon, used this sort of maneuver on occasion, but more often avoided it
due to the detrimental effect upon shipboard reaction time it causes.
Merchant vessels sometimes tried it, but the extreme danger of maneuvering so
close to a star led first to uninsurability and finally to outright
regulatory prohibitions against the practice. Ships full of colonists almost
always housed them in sleeper chambers, an old and proven technology dating
as far back as the late 20th century, leaving only the crew awake.
One of the greatest scientific discoveries made by the original
NCC-1701 Enterprise was that if a ship went EXTREMELY close to an object
of stellar mass while in the normal continuum, then poured on maximum
power to force its way to threshold before putting significant distance
between itself and the gravity field of the celestial body in question,
then the effective threshold velocity could actually be slightly above
lightspeed, and the associated time dilation not only extremely large
but NEGATIVE. This is the essence of time travel under what has become
known as the breakaway maneuver.
The class of phenomena known as “time travel” are extremely complex
and remain poorly understood. Most recorded incidents have involved
multiple effects which, in the absence of a fully developed theory of
time, are often difficult to untangle for separate description and
analysis. The Enterprise’s unintentional journey to the Terra of the
late 1960′s began with an accidental encounter with an uncharted black
hole. The unusual properties of this particular hole had attracted
their attention, resulting in the Enterprise making a low warp speed
sensor pass. The anomalous readings prevented them from realizing the
nature of this object until it was too late. The hole’s intense
distortion of the continuum pulled the Enterprise out of warp, where the
ship was in iminent danger of being sucked into the hole itself.
On Kirk’s orders, Sulu applied full emergency power in a desperate
attempt to fight their way back to threshold so as to to re-enter the
warp continuum, but even as the mighty starship trembled under the
effort, the threshold power level was moving higher and higher as they
neared the event horizon. With seconds left before the end, Mr. Scott
in engineering surmised the nature of their situation. Knowing the ship
could never make the rising tertiary warp threshold in time, he engaged
the emergency circuit breakers to take the tertiary booster coils
offline, and diverted 100% of the reactor output into what was now a
lower threshold secondary warp field system. The collapse of the
tertiary field into a secondary one “collided” with the rapidly growing
overall power level, kicking the ship into the warp continuum with such
explosive force that she briefly left sub-space itself on a kind of
“ballistic arc” OVER rather than thru the warp-space she would normally
traverse.
It would take Spock many weeks of theoretical study and analysis
before he would devise a tentative explanation for their seemingly
miraculous appearance within the Terran atmosphere. Ultimately, his
explanation for their movement thru space as well as time rested upon
two major points.
First, time travel does not permit violation of the conservation of
mass law. One cannot simply send 200,000 metric tons of starship back
in time to coexist with an “earlier” copy of the same 200,000 tons of
matter without in some way compensating for the effect such functional
duplication of mass will have on the overall gravitational process of
the cosmos.
Second, in this particular incident the mode of compensation took
the form of an exchange or displacement of the 20th century matter that
would one day be the Enterprise and her crew, this material swapping out
of the normal plane of existance to reside in the hyper-continuum the
ship had traversed to reach its destination. Therefore, in a manner
related to the phenomena of “symmetry breaking”, the cosmos “selected”
as the ship’s re-entry point a location determined by the whereabouts at
that time of the raw materials which would one day be the Enterprise and
her crew.
As most of this material would be found on Terra in the 1960′s, that
is where the ship materialized. Fortunately, not quite all of the
material constituting the Enterprise was of Terrestrial origin, or the
ship would appeared at the center of the Earth instead of 5 miles above
its surface. That it wasn’t 5 miles below the surface instead was
simply good luck as to the total net effect of the mass-origin location
factors. When the Enterprise returned to its proper place in time, the
older version of her material constituents resumed their proper place in
the continuum as well.
Later studies of the “breakaway maneuver” and its associated
parameters revealed that had this early incident not involved such
extreme conditions, the time traveling starship would have remained
“linked” to the net gravitational influence of the star used as the
initiator mass. This would have caused the celestial body itself to
assume the role of adjusting its own impact on the expansion of the
universe to compensate for sending a vessel back in time, and would
permit such voyages thru time while retaining the ability to target
spatial destinations as well. This type of controled temporal
translation was successfully demonstrated by the Enterprise via Sol
during the mission Kirk’s log describes as “Assignment: Earth”, and
was later employed from a captured Klingon cruiser to solve the
“Whalesinger” crisis.
Given the operational parameters of starship reactor systems, the
time it takes to build up power applied to generating the warp field
effect normally requires an initiator mass the size of a star or greater
to perform the breakaway maneuver. A planetary mass is just too small
under most circumstances as the vessel will have already moved too far
from the center of its gravitational field before attaining threshold
power where the time dilation effects are manifested. This does not
mean it isn’t possible to use a planetary mass as the initiator, only
that the ship in question would have to bring up its power output in an
incredibly rapid surge to do so. The only known means of doing this is
the all but suicidal technique of deliberate implosion to “cold-start”
completely shut down power systems. Only one ship, NCC-1701, is known
to have ever survived this procedure. Historians remained baffled as to
why the crew dubbed the gambit an “Irishman’s Chance”.
Were you to travel back in time without triggering some form of
gravitational impact compensation for your mass, the continuum would
soon destroy you via an effect strikingly similar to the manner in which
a living creature’s immune system destroys that which does not belong.
The unfortunate time traveler would experience progressive
disintegration as the particles of his/her body are randomly pushed back
to their own correct time.
An advanced form of such compensation was an integral part of the
Atavachron, which functioned by actually forcing open “portals” between
times. As Kirk, Spock, and McCoy went through the portal but bypassed
the compensation stage, they were in grave danger and had but little
time to return. Sarabeth could not return with them unless they could
have learned to use the machine to compensate for her entry into their
era, but alas there was no time for that before the star in that system
went nova.

Just as the 3rd-order Cochrane function is known as Tertiary Warp, the
1st and 2nd orders represent Primary, and Secondary Warp. Primary Warp is
the function consisting of the sum of the infinite series begining with X
plus (X^2)/2 plus (X^3)/6 etc. As with the 3rd-order series, it may be
calculated with the equivalent formula (e^W)-1. This was the first type of
warp field effect propulsion system developed, and it is still in use on
later vessels as the Impulse Drive sub-system.
When Secondary Warp drive systems were developed, governed by the
2nd-order Cochrane function consisting of the sum of the infinite series
begining with X^2 + (X^3)/3 +(X^4)/12 etc., equivalent formula:
2*((e^W)-(W+1)), it was learned that they, and all higher order warp fields,
were dangerously unstable at low fractions of threshold power. This forced
the retention of some form of Primary warp drive, though it need not handle
enough power to go superluminal.
All warp field effects are created via the use of superconducting
Cochrane coils, which are wound according to the complex topological patterns
defined by Impulsor Calculus, the branch of mathematics developed by Zephram
Cochrane to express the new kinematics and mechanics resulting from his
successful unification of gravity with the electro-strong-weak force of
quantum physics. As this essay is intended for a 20th century audience,
ethical constraints place severe limits on the range of comments that can be
made on this subject, but the inference should be obvious that if theoretical
physics has mastered the unification of the primal forces of nature, it
becomes possible to use a force easily generated and controled, such as
electromagnetism, to manipulate phenomena normally governed by another force,
such as gravity.
Cochrane’s mechanics superceded Einstein’s, as his in its time
supplanted Newton’s. Each is “true” or at least acceptably valid,
within its range, and may be thought of as a special case approximation
of its successor, which is itself regarded as a superset of its
predecessor. The following clues to Cochrane’s accomplishment,
paraphrased from the preface to his own textbook, are deemed safe for
20th century humans.
The first is that while current attempts to build ever larger particle
accelerators will lead to the unification of the strong nuclear force with
the electro-weak force, this approach will not be successful with gravity.
The reason is that while accelerators of sufficient power approximate the
fantastic extremes of temperature and pressure found during the era
immediately following the Big Bang, it was not these aspects of the early
universe but rather the extreme curvature of space-time then in force which
wedded gravity to the other forces. As space-time expanded, or flattened,
gravity was the first force to de-couple from the others.
The second clue is that while Newton’s mechanics were based upon the
Euclidean model of geometry, and Einstein’s was grounded in 19th century
alternatives such as that of Riemann, Cochrane found the mathematical tools
he needed to join the probability functions of quantum physics to the
structures defined by distortions of space-time in the “strange attractors”
of Fractal Geometry’s framework for the study of “chaos”.
The warp effect itself derives from Cochrane’s advanced concepts of
gravitation under which the interaction between the mass of a physical body
and the surrounding space/time matrix defines a complex mathematical field
known as a continuum profile. On a purely theoretical level, Cochrane was
able to establish a new understanding of the term velocity by demonstrating
an intriguing difference in the continuum profiles of moving objects versus
those stationary relative to the observer. All objects having mass distort
the space/time continuum around them, but when an object is in motion
relative to the observer, the pattern of the this distortion, known as the
continuum profile, becomes skewed along the direction of travel.
Space/time is not infinitely malleable, it takes a minute but finite
interval for gravitational distortions to be fully manifested upon newly
encountered regions. Because of this propagation-time factor, the region of
space/time in front of a moving object at a given instant is not as distorted
as it would be had the object in question been excerting its gravitational
influence on it for an arbitrarily long period, and the region behind the
traveling body shows excess distortion because of the time it takes to flatten
back to its undisturbed state. The concept of relative motion remains in
force, for the skewing of the continuum profiles of all objects in the
universe is measured from the vantage point of the observer’s own comparably
skewed line of travel. In measuring the velocity relative to himself, the
observer is actually noting the degree of continuum profile skewing relative
to his own, and an inertial frame of reference becomes one with a constant
degree of skew.
In astrophysics, this effect is largely muted by the ability of
space/time to “remember” repeated transits, so that all cyclic motions, such
as the orbits of planets, literally “groove” their paths into the very fabric
of the continuum, diminishing the skewing effect to almost vanishing levels.
Also, such circular motions involve the interaction of mutually influencing
bodies, so that each experiences far more change in the direction of its
skewing factor than in its absolute magnitude.
But for non-cyclic motions, such as that of spacecraft executing huge
linear translations thru the continuum, the effect is sufficiently pronounced
to impact observations made from onboard instruments. Generations after
Cochrane, the ability of the space/time continuum to store such
information-laden “memories” would be used by Dr. Carol Marcus to establish
the theoretical basis for the long suspected existence of morphogenetic
fields, and would lead her to attempt the exploitation of this phenomena via
the “Genesis” technology.
In creating his unified field theory, Cochrane opened the door to
full-scale interaction/exchange between the primal forces of nature. Using
the analytic tools of his carefully derived Impulsor Calculus, he has able to
map out complex yet stable forms of interwoven electro-magnetic fields which
would cross “the line” by manifesting part of their effect in the form of
gravitational phenomena. He was then able to follow the conceptual trail
back to the actual design and contruction of field generating coils that
could transform his theories into useful technology. In his first great
practicle success, he proved that if his coil systems were used to
reconfigure the continuum profile of a “stationary” object so that it
acquired the relative “skew” of a moving one, it moved accordingly.
This led first to the developement of the long wished-for “jetless” space
drive, ultimately called “Impulse drive”, in which designers no longer needed
to bother about reaction mass carried onboard only to serve as kinetic
exhaust. Later studies revealed that the application of sufficient power to
the skewing field would produce a degree of skew effect so highly pronounced
as to be insupportable by the familiar Einsteinian continuum. Attaining this
“threshold” level would so stress the ordinary continuum that a vessel and its
surrounding field envelope would literally be ejected into a higher order
continuum in which the speed of light was no longer relevant as a limiting
factor. Cochrane himself visualized our familiar continuum as “floating”
above the larger realm, and so described the transition process as “dropping
into sub-space” rather than apply an upward linguistic bias and the overused
“hyperspace”.
A gentle, private, and in some respects almost old-fashioned man,
Cochrane lived far enough into his twilight years to see his work send
humanity to the stars, before he mysteriously vanished. Some say that the
warp-driven space yacht presented to him by the greatful governments of
several worlds disappeared at the same time, fueling speculation that he
headed into unknown space on some final adventure. While historians argue
over his ultimate fate, none dispute the enormity of his contributions,
without which the very founding of the Federation could never have occurred.

Just as the 20th century’s mastery of undreamed of natural forces such as
electricity produces technological wonders inconceivable to 17th century
minds, so did Cochrane’s breakthru set the stage for a vast family of related
discoveries and devices that seem almost magical to residents of our time.
In the decades following the construction of the first “impulsor drives”,
further experimentation and theoretical studies led to totally different,
often unexpected, applications of the basic Cochrane coil system. The coil
itself would become as basic a concept to an entire branch of technology as
the “circuit” is to the field of electrical engineering.
Physicist Alicia Chalmbers interwove two coils, one wound clockwise, the
other anti-clockwise, and sent twin currents thru them in opposite
directions. The “Chalmbers” coil did not move, as its external effect upon
the continuum was balanced between opposite and equal influences, but within
the dual-coil itself a profound disruption of space/time took place. Wave
like patterns of variation in the “topological gradient” or distortability of
space/time, went out equally in all directions. A second Chalmbers coil,
though unenergized, reacted to the distortion pattern by converting part of
its energy content back into electricity.
Of course, modulations in the current flow to the first Chalmbers coil
were echoed analog fashion in the current output of the second “receiving”
coil, giving birth to sub-space radio. The effect propagates at the
theoretical limit of the warp effect, Warp 10, the actual speed depending on
whether the Chalmbers coils are of the Primary, Secondary, or Tertiary
variety. All StarFleet, and virtually all modern civilian vessels, use
Tertiary Chalmbers systems, allowing communications at 131792.79 x C.
Passive listening for natural occurences of this phenomena, and the active
use of a form of sub-space radio in “radar” mode, constitute much of the
sensor technology of Starships.
Another variation of the basic Cochrane device bends the coil away from
its “barber-pole” configuration, to double back on itself full circle, in
effect coiling the coil in a single loop. The result is an artificial
gravity field projected perpendicular to the plane of the loop, in either
pull or push mode depending on the orientation of the windings and/or the
direction of current flow. Within its housing, the loop coil is physically
anchored or it would simply spin in a warp driven circle rather than impart
its effect to the gravity field. Such units are always paired so that the
torque from each cancels the other rather than be imparted to the vessel via
the structural elements holding them in place.
Other variants of the Cochrane coil take the form of conical shaped pairs
of coils nested within each other facing in opposite directions. The conical
shape causes the warp field’s skewing effect to be projected away from the
coil system rather than centered upon it. By using the two coils in tandem,
one can induce any desired combination of push or pull force up to the
system’s operational limits on a distant object, moving it arbitrarily close
to the starship’s hull and holding it there. Known as a tractor beam, this
piece of equipment is indispensable for modern spacecraft operations, without
it sleek warp-driven starships would be reduced to reliance upon primitive
manipulator arms such as the one found on the 1980′s space shuttle. When
holding a derelict vessel via tractor beam, it is possible to apply the the
repulsive force against selected portions of the outer hull, concentrating
the attractive force thru the vehicles’ center, so as to not only retrieve
and stabilize it, but provide artificial gravity as well for the comfort of
boarding parties.
In man’s first experience with interstellar combat, the technological
level of the participants had the vessels of both sides drop into sub-light
speeds to maneuver against each other in a tight volume of laser crossfired
space. These primitive battles were analogous to the way in which late 20th
century fighter planes would reach a combat zone via supersonic travel, then
go subsonic for the actual dogfight. The advantages of a weapon that could
unleash its effect at warp speed were so obvious that an all out technology
race to build such a device began even before the first Romulan War was over.
Ultra high velocity missiles carrying powerful matter/anti-matter
warheads were already in use. As the M/A anhilation produces a shower of
photons in the extremely high energy gamma ray portion of the spectrum, these
missiles were dubbed photon mines. Though their highly developed fusion
thrusters could accelerate them at hundreds of G’s, they were still so slow
compared to even the sublight capabilties of impulse driven starships that
one had to use them in the manner of depth charges, simply deploying them in
the expected path of the enemy ship and hoping for the best. Attempts to
replace the fusion thruster with a warp engine enjoyed some success against
vehicles moving at sublight speeds, but against vessels traveling at warp
speeds what was needed was a weapon that could travel substantially faster
than any ship.
The answer was ultimately inspired by the ancient submarine torpedo,
which used steam power pumped into the torpedo by the submarine rather
generated onboard the weapon itself. The modern analog of the torpedo tube
emerged as an inside out warp engine coil which generated its field within
its own interior and imparted an enormous skewing effect on any object placed
inside. The specially designed warhead pod would zip out of the tube at
extremely high warp speeds, having an unprecendented degree of skew, but free
of the mass of any onboard warp field generating equipment. Though the
warhead pod is designed to retain its imparted skew as long as possible, it
does begin to decay immediately after leaving the tube. As this takes at
least several minutes, the effective range is quite adequate for the tactical
role these weapons play. Note that these devices have almost no steering,
only a slight course correction capability, and so must be carefully aimed.
The parallel to ancient submarine weapons was so close that the term “photon
torpedo” became permanently attached to these deadly implements of celestial
combat, which in the ST:TNG era are capable of as much as 10 to 15 minutes
travel at speeds approaching warp 9.9.

Early experiments with Dilithium crystals found that two such crystals, a
mirror, a semi-reflector, and a light source made a marvelously efficient
laser, as Spock once demonstrated in escaping from Gestapo headquarters on
the planet Ekos. When Science Officer Bruno Wilhelm placed a dilithium laser
setup inside a Chalmbers coil, the crystals synchronized so as to overlap the
coinciding lightwaves exactly out of “phase” making the light energy
effectively vanish from our continuum, only to reimerge as a uni-directional
highly intense disruption of the space/time continuum now known as the
“phaser effect”. Such synchronization of the crystals required a
super-luminal transfer of coordinating influences, and so was only possible
in the context of a coil-induced sub-space environment. Within the coil, one
can reasonably construe the laser as being “in” sub-space.
When fully powered, the phaser effect travels at the Warp 10 limit for
the type of Chalmbers coil used, be it Primary, Secondary, or Tertiary.
Naturally, StarFleet vessels are armed only with Tertiary phasers, anything
less would produce a “beam” literally too slow to catch a Tertiary warp
starship with Dilithium focused anti-matter reactors.
However, hand phasers don’t have access to quite enough power to energize
the coil component to its equivalent threshold power level. The result is
that the phaser beam produced travels at a speed dependent upon the power
level applied to the coil. Whereas a beam emitted from a coil at threshold
power would always move at Warp 10, with additional coil power just boosting
the intensity or striking power of the beam, at just below threshold power
the beam’s speed is the reciprocal of Warp 10. This is a mere 7.58766 x
10^(-6) x C, or approximately 7300 feet per second from a Tertiary coil,
therefore hand phasers use Primary coils so that the phaser effect
propagatation velocity is proportional to the reciprocal of the Primary warp
field’s Warp 10 limit of 22025.47 x C. The reciprocal value is therefore
approxiamately 8.45 miles per second. At still less coil power, the speed
diminishes in direct proportion to the fraction of threshold power applied to
the coil. Operational maximums for ST:TNG hand phasers take their coils to
about 1/3 of threshold velocity, so that the weapons full power effect moves
at roughly 2.82 miles per second.
One can vary the proportion of coil vs. initiating light energy levels
only so far without overloading the hand phaser, causing burnout or even
detonation. Thus to moderate the phaser effect down to stun levels, the beam
in some models of hand phaser may travel as slowly as 200 or 300 feet per
second. We’ve seen this effect quite clearly when Kirk once fired his phaser
set for stun at the metabolically accelerated Deela of Scalos, who simply
stepped out of the way. Hand phaser on stun is definitely a close quarters
only weapon, where speed is not significant.
Unlike sub-space “radio”, which simply attenuates under an inverse square
law, phaser beams have a much shorter range due their propensity to “decay”
by losing their energy to the creation of visible spectrum photons all along
their path of travel. This is what the observer sees, not the phaser beam
itself. The actual phaser effect is one of micro-range random space/time
fluctuations in the topological gradient of the space encountered, imparting
warp impulses to the atoms encountered. The effect tends to spread and
propagate thru solid matter, so that material objects are likely to
distribute the effect throughout their particularly shaped volumes.
At high power, the effect is so severe that all molecular bonds are
snapped, and all of the particles are “impulsed” in random directions. What
had been a solid object becomes an expanding cloud of particles moving fast
enough to penetrate other solid matter to an enormous extent. A body so
“disintegrated” on a ship would pass right thru the hull like a burst of
gamma rays, but because the particles are traveling via impulse rather than
momentum, their behavior apes that of neutrinos in that they do almost no
damage to the matter they pass thru.
Lower power simply streches the molecular bonds without breaking them,
their rebounding motions translating into simple heat. In this manner, a
hand phaser may be used to heat rocks for warmth, cook food, or even act as a
very precise cutting torch. At the lowest useful power, the jolting of
molecules is too slight to really impact inanimate matter, but does tend to
produce neurological shock as large numbers of synapses have their firing
threshold randomly raised or lowered. The vast number of additional versus
inhibited synaptic firings causes a biological equivalent of “systems crash”
leading to unconsciousness, as the nervous system becomes hopelessly confused
and overloaded by spurious signals. As no actual tissue damage is sustained,
the nervous system “reboots” itself eventually. Somewhat higher power can do
permanent, even lethal damage to the nervous system however, and can cause a
seizure-like muscular convulsion. This minimally lethal effect is not unlike
electric shock.

To residents of the 20th century, the transporter is perhaps a more
incredible application of Cochrane’s Unified Field Theory than superluminal
travel, since the later affords no real Terrestrial gauge for appreciating
the effect, whereas the wonder of instantaneously materializing elsewhere has
been part and parcel of Earth’s mythology/magic belief systems for millenia.
Building on the ability of the “looped coil” to project gravitational
fields, experimenters eventually learned to handle gravity d sues in ways that
parallel optical technology’s capabilities with light waves. Ultimately,
command of these techniques was sufficient to produce a gravitational wave
“hologram” in which the system literally captured the continuum profile of an
object down to the minutest detail of atomic constituents and molecular
bondings in the intersection between its stationary “reference beam” and the
rotating “scanning beam”. Sophisticated split beam techiniques permitted the
“projection” of a second “continuum profile image”, which, depending on the
operational limits of the equipment, could be located at an arbitrarily
large distance and direction from the source. These experiments were
originally conceived in pursuit of improved medical technology following the
progression of X-rays, ultrasound, nuclear magnetic resonance, and positron
emmision tomography, with the result enabling Dr. Crusher to obtain a clear
view of the parasite creature embedded in Admiral Quinn during the
“Conspiracy” period.
The transporter breakthru grew out of experiments attempting to
manipulate matter via alterations of the continuum profile associated
with an object. If a continuum profile projection were maintained long
enough, it began to fill itself in with atoms picked up from the
environment. Eventually, it would recreate the original, though in the
meantime, if sufficient power was used to intensify the projection, this
profile construct could behave like the original, even appearing to be
solid matter, as long it remained within range of the projection radius.
At the same time, it was shown that changes in the profile of the
original were reflected in the original object as well in the
projection, establishing the real-time linkage between the two. Early
attempts at matter manipulation were usually destructive, not until the
early 24th century would the raw computer power be available for such
things as the holodeck, where the projection could be based on computer
simulations rather than real life / real time models, but in these
pioneering efforts, the ability to project a profile back on its own
source object, while maintaining an independent second projection
elsewhere, was developed.
Dr. Janet Hester of the Deneva Research Station first conceived the idea
that if one reversed the “topological polarity” of the image projected back
upon the source, in effect FLATTENING the impression it made in space/time,
while simultaneously boosting the gravitational intensity, and thus the DEPTH
of the spatially projected image, one could create a situation in which the
probability of finding any given constituent of the source object at the
original location could be reduced to zero, even as the probability of
finding it at the projection’s location went up to unity. Every component of
an object, its atoms, the chemical bonds between them, even the ongoing
molecular processes, would cascade back and forth between the twin loci of
probable locations, finally coming to rest at the one brought to unity. Of
all the marvels that have sprung from Zephram Cochrane’s insights, none more
clearly demonstrate his success at unifying gravitational space/time
continuum phenomena with quantum mechanical probability functions.
It would take another four decades of dedicated experiment and study
before Science Officer Winston of the USS Moscow became the first human to
transport across to the USS Tehran. Still more work was required before the
ability of the tranporter to project a “virtual” yet functional copy of the
active components of the scanning and projection processes to envelope the
retrieval site would eliminate the need for physical hardware at both ends of
the transport linkage, and theb to learn to bend the projection around the
surfaces of planets using the natural gravitational field so that transport
could be free of line-of-sight restraints. The depth of dense planetary
matter the transporter can penetrate is still limited, but the often
life-saving speed and conveinience of transport in general has proved well
worth the time, cost, and often sacrifice it took to perfect.

The Secondary Warp field effect was originally achieved by winding a
second-stage “booster” coil around a specially designed Primary coil. The
early versions of this system would energize the Primary coil first to
navigate at low percentages of threshold power. Once clear of stellar and
planetary gravitational fields, they would engage the booster coil
reconfiguring their warp field into the 2nd order type. When this was
accomplished, power would be steadily increased until the threshold level was
attained and transition to the warp continuum occured. The Primary and the
booster together constitute the Secondary coil. Should the booster fail
under operational stress, a fairly common occurence in the early days, the
Primary alone could be used and could operate above its threshold level to
take the ship to superluminal velocities.
While later vessels retained the above system layout, experience proved
it far more efficient to energize the whole Secondary coil system as a single
circuit, and to navigate at very low power and speeds with an independent
miniature Primary system. This became known as the Impulse Drive. As it was
intended only for low speed operations, this system would not normally be
capable of handling the power load it would require to bring the vessel past
the threshold point. However, engineers took advantage of this dual
propulsion system to split the vessel itself, letting each major sub-division
of the hull house one of the systems. It became customary to place the major
living quarters in the hull with the smaller Impulse Drive, both to better
shield the crew from the higher radiation levels the more powerful Secondary
system created, and also with the idea of better accomodating the entire crew
should “coil burnout” force the abandonment of the other hull.
The terminology of vessel design adopted the convention of referring to
the hull housing the Secondary coil system as the Secondary Hull, and
the other housing the Primary coil only Impulse Drive as the Primary Hull.
Tertiary drive systems simply wound yet another type of booster coil around
the Primary and Secondary stages nested inside it, but as there were still
only two drive systems and two main hull sections, the one with the large
engine system continued to be called the Secondary Hull.
In the event of separation, the Primary Hull’s Impulse Drive, freed of
the weight of the entire Secondary Hull and the even more massive main drive
engine nacelles, is usually large enough for superluminal propulsion. This
has been shown quite clearly in ST:TNG during the initial encounter with Q,
when the Primary Hull found its way to Farpoint after the entire ship spent
some 10 minutes pushing itself to its operational limits while going in
exactly the opposite direction. It is equally well implied by Geordi’s
instructions to Engineer Logan to take the Primary Hull to a Starbase if
unable to re-establish contact with him after performing the saucer-sep
manuevar in the “Arsenal of Freedom” incident.
The first three orders of warp field phenomena correspond to the first
three “generations” of warp drive technology in the “Spaceflight Chronology”.
Logically, a “Fourth generation” designation should have waited for the
developement of Quarternary warp, the sum of X^4 + (X^5)/5 + (X^6)/30 etc.,
equivalent formula 24*((e^W)-((W^3)/6 + (W^2)/12 + W + 1)), but the impact of
Dilithium on power generation, and thus overall performance, was so great
that the “Fourth generation” label took hold for the Constitution class. All
orders of warp field phenomena remain subject to the Warp 10 limit on
Delivered Power, but higher order warps produce greater velocity for the same
Delivered Power than lower orders. (See Appendix for tables of Primary,
Secondary, and Quartenary Warp Factor Equivalent Velocities).
The term “Fifth generation” is usually applied to the abortive attempt to
harness “Trans-Warp”, a misbegotten application of the Interphase phenomena
first observed by the Enterprise NCC-1inguchurg the “Tholian Web” incident.
The abandonment of this dangerous system was made doubly disappointing by the
continued failure of Federation science to perfect a workable Quartenary warp
drive. The seemingly insurmountable difficulties encountered in the early
attempts at Quarternary drive design were the prime reason for the costly
“Trans-Warp” interlude.
However, in the intervening decades advanced theoretical studies have led
to vastly simpler, more reliable Tertiary drives which can be pushed, and
above all held, far closer to the Warp 10 limit of Delivered Power than the
original design multi-stage units. These single stage “integrated” units
were first used in ship’s of the NCC-1701-C’s Ambassador class, and marked
the arrival of warp technology’s “Sixth generation”. A highly refined and
advanced version of this type of drive serves as the main propulsion for
“Galaxy” class starships such as Enterprise NCC-1701-D. Gone are the
inefficientcies of the nested, three coil approach, advances in Impulsor
Calculus theory and supercomputer simulation techniques having found a single
coil equivalent.
As the early efforts at Quarternary warp floundered on the complexities
of a four level multi-stage approach, the success of the single stage
“integrated” approach for Tertiary warp has scientists of SF:TNG’s era once
more confident of eventual success, and aggressively paced research programs
are again under way in the race for the Quartenary drive. It should be noted
that the extra heavy warp nacelle mountings and overall structural strength
rating of the Galaxy class design should easily permit retrofitting of
Quarternary Warp engines when they become available.
Montgomery Scott correctly predicted the crippling deficientcies of the
Trans-Warp system, but was unable to dissuade StarFleet from investing in it.
Rightly convinced that Quartenary warp would have to await improvements in
warp theory permitting “integrated” designs, he attempted to convince
StarFleet to allow him to challenge the Warp 10 Barrier itself. Alas, Scott
was never able to secure StarFleet backing for his proposal, and only a
handful of ST:TNG era technical persons who’ve studied his original notes
even know what he had in mind.
Realizing that the “SuperWarp” scheme was far too radical for his era,
Scott dedicated his leisure time engineering studies to the design of the
ship he felt StarFleet should build in place of more “Excelsior” class
vessels. Yet this project also offered too many radical advances, as Scott
was allowing for upgrades to integrated Tertiary or even Quartenary main
drives in his huge dreamship. But while the Galaxy class would ultimately be
larger and incorporate advances beyond his wildest imaginings, even a cursory
glance at Scott’s old plans and drawings reveals the striking similarities
that mark the true lineage of these greatest of all StarShips. NCC-1701-D’s
operational status is the way Scott would most have wanted StarFleet
Engineering to acknowledge its continuing debt to its greatest practitioner.
As for the mechanics of SuperWarp, the mathematically inclined are invited
to contemplate the significance of the other half of the hyperbola relating
Generated to Delivered power, which most Federation scientists dismiss as a
mere geometric curiousity. Of course, scientists once thought that C itself
represented an impassable barrier, yet as Spock would say, “There are always
possibilities”.
Without giving too much away, I can offer the following clue, that the
Constitution class USS Enterprise NCC-1701 under James Kirk, once broke
through the Warp Barrier by accident, the result of her Captain’s famous
propensity for taking desperate gambles in otherwise hopeless situations.
Students of warp physics correctly identifying the occassion are eligible to
win a scholarship to StarFleet academy, which, alas, may not be used until the
23rd century.

-Leon Myerson; 72157,3432; 6/23/88

APPENDIX 1 – PRIMARY WARP

Generated Delivered Primary
Power Power Warp x C

1 1.00000 1.72
2 1.98354 6.27
3 2.96260 18.35
4 3.93509 50.17
5 4.89755 132.96
6 5.84370 344.05
7 6.76140 862.85
8 7.62571 2049.24
9 8.38615 4384.92
10 8.96633 7833.82

Theoretical Limit = 22025.47 x C
Threshold Velocity = 0.5814 x C
Time Dilation at threshold = 0.813205

APPENDIX 2 – SECONDARY WARP

Generated Delivered Secondary
Power Power Warp x C

1 1.00000 1.44
2 1.98354 8.57
3 2.96260 30.77
4 3.93509 92.46
5 4.89755 256.13
6 5.84370 676.42
7 6.76140 1712.18
8 7.62571 4083.24
9 8.38615 8753.06
10 8.96633 15649.70

Theoretical Limit = 44030.93 x C
Threshold Velocity = 0.6944 x C
Time Dilation at threshold = 0.71793

APPENDIX 3 – QUARTERNARY WARP

Delivered Generated Quarternary
Power Power Warp

1 1.0000000000 1.24
2 2.0167653720 25.34
3 3.0383208502 170.05
4 4.0670614879 742.36
5 5.1072983806 2617.92
6 6.1676537197 8218.29
7 7.2682459514 24167.20
7.5 7.8487197368 40826.52
8 8.4694304149 68510.99
8.2 8.7364919027 84149.66
8.4 9.0203187626 103286.47
8.6 9.3280961537 126697.69
8.8 9.6717993420 155331.49
9 10.0729838055 190346.01
9.1 10.3071067812 210676.62
9.2 10.5747605008 233155.87
9.3 10.8903152831 258009.95
9.4 11.2777216596 285488.88
9.5 11.7800905867 315868.94
9.6 12.4836439773 349455.49
9.7 13.5895662949 386586.00
9.8 15.7014109302 427633.43
9.9 21.8369448362 473009.97
10 INFINITE 523171.18

Theoretical Limit = 523171.18 x C
Threshold Velocity = 0.8065 x C
Time Dilation at threshold = 0.590200

For comparison, here is a chart of Quarternary Warp Factor equivalent
velocities keyed on the older “Generated Power” scale.

Generated Delivered Quarternary
Power Power Warp x C

1 1.00000 1.24
2 1.98354 24.41
3 2.96260 159.92
4 3.93509 680.00
5 4.89755 2315.80
6 5.84370 6908.99
7 6.76140 18761.08
8 7.62571 46527.25
9 8.38615 101833.70
10 8.96633 183948.24
11 9.33067 266146.24
12 9.53548 327403.32
13 9.65322 368752.42
14 9.72615 396927.10
15 9.77477 416884.29
16 9.80915 431599.84
17 9.83463 442835.76
18 9.85421 451667.92
19 9.86971 458779.77
20 9.88225 464622.34
21 9.89262 469503.75
22 9.94445 494688.02

Version 3.06, dated July 1, 1991
COPYRIGHT 1990 BY
William Stone, III and Allan Finkas

——————————————————————————

STAR TREK (TM) is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures Corporation.
All rights reserved.

Permission to download and/or reprint this article in it entirety for free
distribution is hereby granted provided the authors’ names and this copyright
notice are retained.

This essay may be periodically updated.

DISCLAIMER:
None of the ideas expressed in this article are “official” or “canonical”.
All concepts put forth are our own opinions and speculations, and as such,
might be completely contradicted by “official” STAR TREK material issued in
the future. We have drawn as much as possible upon the filmed STAR TREK
episodes and features, and refer to other media when we have found it useful
to do so. This essay or other similar essays written by ourselves are for the
sole purpose of speculation about the STAR TREK universe. We have no
connection whatsoever with STAR TREK or Paramount Pictures.

Feedback regarding this essay may be addressed to:

William Stone, III Allan Finkas
137 Golfview Dr. #14-96 Hanbidge Cres.
Glendale Heights, IL, USA 60139-3675 Regina, SK, CANADA S4R 7C5
FidoNet: 1:115/439.2 FidoNet: 1:140/31
GEnie: W.Stone7 FidoNet: 1:140/1701
America OnLine: WRStone Allan.Finkas@f1701.n140.z1.FidoNet.org

——————————————————————————

This essay consists of two parts. The first is the timeline proper. The
second (for those that are interested) is a detailed description of how we
came to the conclusions we did. We hope you’ll not dismiss this timeline as
being incongruent with other sources. We assure you that if you take the time
to read the documentation, you’ll discover that very little was subject to our
personal interpretation. Only those items marked with an asterisk (*) have
no clear basis in onscreen evidence.

A list of abbreviations used in the timeline follows the article.

——————————————————————————

The authors would like to thank the users of the FidoNet TREK conference
– and in particular Michael Marek – for their insight and suggestions.

——————————————————————————

The Finkas/Stone STAR TREK Time Line

1,741,647BC Last of “The Makers” from the Andromeda galaxy die leaving an
android population behind on an outpost in our galaxy.
Harry Mudd happens upon their world in 2265 AD and they declare
him, Mudd the First.
(TOS: “I, Mudd”)

c1,000,000 BC The Slaver Empire falls in a massive interstellar war that
destroys all intelligent life in the galaxy, leaving it to
re-evolve all over again.
(TAS: “The Slaver Weapon”)

c600,000 BC Tkon Empire, a large technologically advanced interstellar
federation which occupied regions of the galaxy that would one
day become part of the United Federation of Planets frontier,
is wiped out due to a supernova in the Tkon home system. All that
survives is several outpost worlds which would leave reminders
of the Tkon legacy for future generations.
(TNG: “The Last Outpost”)

c500,000 BC A great war between the possible pregenators of all humanoid
species in this galaxy ravages all participants. Survivors from
both sides: Sargon, Thalassa, and Henoch, preserve their minds in
receptacles on the planet Arret. Its atmosphere is ripped away
as a result of the war.
(TOS: “Return to Tomorrow”)

c300,000 BC The Borg, a flourishing humanoid species, begin the process of
learning how to cyborg their species. Although their technology
is sufficiently advanced, they find it is still insufficient to
the improvement of their lifeform. It is the beginning of the
process which sees the Borg evolve by stealing the technology
of other species and absorbing those populations within
their own. *
(TNG: “Q Who”)

c50,000 BC Lokai of Cheron tried and convicted as a political traitor by
Bele, the Chief Officer of the Commission of Political
Traitors on Cheron. Lokai escapes, to be chased around the
galaxy by Bele until they both eventually return to Cheron
on the USS Enterprise in 2267 AD, finding it to be a dead
planet.
(TOS: “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”)

c30,000 BC American Indians are transplanted to another world by a
mysterious race known only as “The Preservers”.
(TOS: “The Paradise Syndrome”)

c7500 BC Star Fabrina goes nova. Inhabitants of habitable planet build
a generation ship called Yonada to carry its descendants
to a new world before nova occurs.
(TOS: “For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky”)

3834 BC Birth of Flint, the immortal, in Mesopotamia as Akharin, a
foot soldier.
(TOS: “Requiem For Methuselah”)

c3700 BC Spock and McCoy trapped on planet Sarpeidon in this time by
time machine called the atavachron.
(TOS: “All Our Yesterdays”)

c3500 BC Landru, a great scientist on the planet Beta III, dies, but
leaves his memories in a computer which would help guide
future generations of inhabitants.
(TOS: “The Return of the Archons”)

c2700 BC Humanoids from Pollux IV arrive on Earth. They are regarded
as gods by the native humans, classical literature would
eventually refer to them as the Olympian Gods. They would later
return to Pollux IV after human civilization grows tired of
worshipping them in favor of a new and growing religion,
Christianity.
(TOS: “Who Mourns For Adonis?”)

44 BC Birth of Parman of Sandara, Leader of the immortals living on the
planet Platonius.
(TOS: “Plato’s Stepchildren”)

33 BC Birth of Philana of Sandara, another immortal later found on
planet Platonius.
(TOS: “Plato’s Stepchildren”)

84 AD Parman marries Philana.
(TOS: “Plato’s Stepchildren”)

c865 Civil war breaks out on Solais V. Bloody battles would rage for
next 1500 years.
(TNG: “Loud as a Whisper”)

c1200 War destroys planet Zetar, leaving several inhabitants to flee
as little more than mental forces of light to search the galaxy
for a body to take over so they might live again.
(TOS: “The Lights of Zetar”)

c1350 Battle of Aurilius IX, where the Menthas and the Promelians
fought their final battle in a legendary interstellar war.
(TNG: “Booby Trap”)

1367 “Ardra”, a female representation of the Prince of Darkness,
allegedly strikes a deal with the natives of Bentax II so that
they would gain 1000 years of peace and prosperity in exchange
for their souls and eternal slavery at the end of that time.
(TNG: “Devil’s Due”)

c1760 Start of interplanetary war between planets Eminiar VII and
Vendikar. First known war completely waged by computer with
“casulties” reporting to disintegration chambers when they are
instructed.
(TOS: “A Taste of Armageddon”)

1888 Redjac entity kills six in London on Earth.
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

1930 Time vortex Guardian of Forever places McCoy, Kirk and Spock back
in time.
(TOS: “The City on the Edge of Forever”)

1932 Redjac entity kills seven women in Shanghai, China on Earth
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

1936 USS Enterprise (CV-6) commissioned

1939 Birth of Ralph Olphemhouse, future financier. Will live until
the 24th century through cryogenic technique.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

1946 USS Enterprise (CV-6) dismantled

1948 Birth of Roberta Lincoln, Gary Seven’s secretary.
(TOS: “Assignment: Earth”)

c1950 A group of scientists begins clandestine experimentation which
leads to advanced practical genetic engineering techniques by
about 1960, with the goal of uniting the world.
(TOS: “Space Seed”, ST2.)

1959 Birth of Claire Raymond, future homemaker. Will live until
the 24th century through cryogenic technique.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

1963 USS Enterprise (CV(N)-65) commissioned

1965 The entire population of Miri’s World dies from a virus created in
an effort to prolong life. Only children under age 15 survive.
(TOS: “Miri”)

1968 Two agents from an unknown race (Gary Seven and Isis) are assigned
to earth and meet Roberta Lincoln. A rocket carrying a nuclear
weapon malfunctions and explodes, causing world powers to agree to
keep nuclear weapons out of space. The incident is not made
public but is reported in historical documents which are
eventually revealed. Unfortunate timing brings the Enterprise
back in time to this same date via a planned slingshot effect.
(TOS: “Assignment: Earth”)

1969 Accidental slingshot effect takes Enterprise back in time.
(TOS: “Tomorrow is Yesterday”)

1969 Mid July: Man walks on the moon.

1974 Redjac entity kills five women in Kiev, USSR on Earth.
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

1976 USS Enterprise (OV-101) – ALT Test Vehicle commissioned

1977 First of the “Voyager” series of space probes launched, designed
to explore the outer solar system and near interstellar space.
several of these probes are sent out during the following decades.
Contact is lost with Voyager Six when it encounters with a black
hole.
(ST: THE MOTION PICTURE)

1987 Slingshot effect carries HMS Bounty back in time. Two humpback
whales and Dr. Gillian Taylor are displaced to 2286.
(STIV: THE VOYAGE HOME)

1992 “Chicago Mobs of the 1920s” published in New York. The Book
which Iotian culture would eventually be based upon.
(TOS: “A Piece of the Action”)

1992-1996 Eugenics War. Previously unknown race of “supermen” are
introduced as adults by scientists as the future of the human
race. Aspirations of power has these supermen take over several
key governments, leading to a major war between them and their
scientist creators against the rest of the world. Eventually
overthrown, some “supermen” leave Earth on the sleeper ship
`Botany Bay’. Some of the scientists involved leave Earth as
well, among them Dr. Stavros Keniculus.
(TOS: “Space Seed” & TAS: “The Infinite Vulcan”)

1994 Cryogenic satellite launched containing the bodies of Claire
Raymond, Ralph Ophemhouse, and L.Q. “Sonny” Clemens. Satellite
lost, but apparently never missed. Later retrieved in
interstellar space 370 years later.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

1996 SS Botany Bay, a DY-100 vessel, leaves earth.
(TOS: “Space Seed”)

1996 “Nightingale Woman”, a love sonnet, written by Phineas Tarbolde
on the Canopus planet.
(TOS: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”)

2010 Earth-Saturn probe, led by Col. Shaun Geoffrey Christopher
launched. *
(TOS: “Tomorrow is Yesterday”)

2018 The use of DY-100 class Sleeper Ships is discontinued.
(TOS: “Space Seed”)

2020 Space probe “Nomad” launched from Earth to explore space outside
August the solar system. Perhaps the first attempted extrasolar mission
by NASA, but without a crew. Nomad designed and built by Jackson
Roykirk.
(TOS: “The Changeling”)

2029 Birth of Zefram Cochrane, discoverer of the space warp.
(TOS: “Metamorphisis”)

2037 The `Carybdis’, NASA’s 3rd attempted extrasolar mission ship
July 23 launched, Col. Steven Richey commanding
(TNG: “The Royale”)

2040 Television fades away as a source of entertainment.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

2044 `Carybdis’ mysteriously disappears. Assumed that telemetry
had failed. Ship’s fate remains unknown for next 321 years.
(TNG: “The Royale”)

c2050 “The Great Awakening” on planet Argelius II
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

c2050 Cryogenics abadoned as a fad. Never proven to this point that
it would be feasable and cast as nothing more than a scam.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

2053 The New United Nations establishes that no Earth Citizen can be
held responsible for the crimes of his race or forbearers.
(TNG: “Encounter at Farpoint”)

2053-2079 The United States of America has 52 states.
(TNG: “The Royale”)

c2060 First of 6 planetary conquests over 300 years on planet
Mizar II.
(TNG: “Allegiance”)

c2066 SS Valiant launched and encounters energy barrier at the edge
of the galaxy.
(TOS: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”)

c2070 The region of space that includes Sherman’s Planet first observed
by John Burke, Chief Astronomer of the Royal Academy of Great
Britain.
(TOS: “The Trouble with Tribbles”)

c2079 World War Three, (may also have been known as Colonel Green’s
War [ TOS: "The Savage Curtain" ] or possibly the Mind Control
Revolts [ ST-TMP novelization ]). Nuclear devastation is
widespread, known as “the Post-Atomic Horror” (TNG: “Encounter at
Farpoint”). In some areas, populations must resort to controlling
their military with drugs.
(TNG: “Encounter at Farpoint”)

2079 The New United Nations is abolished.
(TNG: “Encounter at Farpoint”)

2082 Col. Richey dies in ‘Hotel Royale’ on planet Theta VIII
(TNG: “The Royale”)

2105 Redjac entity kills eight women at the colonies on Mars.
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

2116 Zefram Cochrane disappears, presumed dead at age 87.
(TOS: “Metamorphisis”)

2123 November 23rd. SS Mariposa, DY-500 class, launched for Ficus
Sector with two separate groups of colonists.
(TNG: “Up the Long Ladder”)

c2140 Kal Dayno, fleeing from criminals in the mid 27th century, hides
the Tax Utat in a cave in Rhysa.
(TNG: “Captain’s Holiday”)

2156 Redjac entity kills two women at Heliopolis on Alpha Proxima II.
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

2157 First contact with the Romulan Empire leads to immediate
hostilities, due to the aggressive, imperialistic nature of
Romulan culture. The Romulans declare war. *

c2160 Planet Deneva first colonized as part of a trading line between
other Federation planets
(TOS: “Operation: Annihilate!”)

2164 Birth of Sarek of Vulcan
(TOS: “Journey to Babel” & TNG: “Sarek”)

2164 First contact with Delos star system by Federation scout ship.
Reports two inhabited planets, Brekka and Onarra, one close
to space travel technology, the other, a simple agricultural
society. (TNG: “Symbiosis”)

2165 Plague strikes planet Onarra. Cure provided by Brekkans which
is eventually to be found to be a narcotic.
(TNG: “Symbiosis”)

2165 The Federation/Romulan War ends in stalemate. A peace treaty is
negotiated via subspace radio. The Romulan Neutral Zone is
established, entry into which – by either side – constitutes an
act of war.
(TOS: “Balance of Terror”)

c2167 Guinan and Q have some sort of encounter.
(TNG: “Deja Q”)

c2170 USS Horizon visits planet Iotia, leaving behind a book called
“Chicago Mobs of the 1920s”, which the culture eventually
imitates.
(TOS: “A Piece of the Action”)

c2170 USS Archon visits planet Beta III. Ship is pulled from orbit
and destroyed by computer, Landru. Survivors mix with natives
and implant the seeds of rebellion against Landru.
(TOS: “Return of the Archons”)

2194 Birth of Robert April
(TAS: “The Counter-Clock Incident”)

2212 Birth of Amanda Grayson, 1st wife of Sarek, mother of Spock *

2214 Birth of Christopher Pike (Mojave, Arizona, Earth) *

2215 First Federation contact with planet Eminiar VII by USS Valiant.
Valiant never heard from again, assumed destroyed in the ongoing
war of that planet with its neighbor, Vendikar.
(TOS: “A Taste of Armageddon”)

c2215 First hostilities and mutual tolerance between the Federation
and the Klingon Empire.
(TOS: “Day of the Dove”)
Because of the circumstances surrounding the Klingon first
contact, leaders of the Federation establish the Prime Directive,
which prohibits Federation ships from interfering with the
progress of a growing society.
(TNG: “First Contact”)

2224 Birth of Montgomery Scott (Aberdeen, Scotland, Earth) *

2227 Birth of Leonard H. McCoy (Georgia, Earth)
(TNG: “Encounter at Farpoint”)

2231 Birth of Spock (Vulcan)

2232 Birth of James Tiberious Kirk (Iowa, Earth)
(TOS: “The Deadly Years”)

2234 SS Columbia (a research vessel attached to the American Continent
Institute) crash lands on Talos IV with one survivor–Vina.
(TOS: “The Menagerie”)

2236 Sarek of Vulcan becomes Vulcan’s ambassador to sixteen planets
before becoming ambassador to Earth
(TAS: “Yesteryear”)

2237 Mr. Brack (Flint) purchases planet Holberg 917G as a personal
retreat.
(TOS: “Requiem for Methuselah”)

2239 Birth of Hikaru Sulu (San Francisco, California, Earth) *

2240 Birth of Nyota Upenda Uhura *

2241 Dr. Richard Daystrom develops the Duotronics. This new technology
would be the prototype of all future Federation computers.
(TOS: “The Ultimate Computer”)

2241 Birth of Kevin Riley (Tarsus IV)
(TOS: “The Conscience of the King”)

2243 Battle of Donatu V is fought near Sherman’s Planet on the Klingon
boarder.
(TOS: “The Trouble with Tribbles”)

2244 Birth of Pavel Andreievich Chekov (USSR, Earth)
(TOS: “Who Mourns For Adonis?”)

2245 Governor Kodos of Tarsus IV declares martial law and executes
most of the population in his solution to save the colony.
There were few survivors including James Kirk, Kevin Riley,
and Thomas Leighton.
(TOS: “The Conscience of the King”)

2245 Population of planet Lavinius V wiped out by flying parasites
(TOS: “Operation: Annihilate!”)

2247 Capt. Robert April heads the “Starship Project.” USS
Enterprise constructed.
(FINAL FRONTIER by Diane Carey)

2248 Spock of Vulcan recieves Starfleet commission

2249 James T. Kirk enters Starfleet Academy

2249 Birth of Joanna McCoy
(TAS: “The Survivor”)

2250 Dr. McCoy leads a mass-inoculation program on Dramia II to
conquer Saurian virus. Plague strikes the planet after the
medical team leaves Dramia, killing many of the inhabitants.
(TAS: “Albatross”)

2250 Capt. Robert April leads a rescue mission to the Romulan Neutral
Zone
(FINAL FRONTIER by Diane Carey)

Late 2250 USS Enterprise undergoes post-shakedown refit *
- mid 2251

Mid 2251 USS Enterprise commissioned. Captain Robert April is C.O on six
month shakedown cruise. *

2251 A colony ship crashes on the planet Thasus, leaving only a
three year old survivor, Charlie Evans.
(TOS: “Charlie X”)

2252 Capt. Christopher Pike takes command of the Enterprise *

2252 The Enterprise intercepts a distress call from Talos IV and
investigates. The discover a race of beings with incredible
mental powers. General Order Number Seven is esablished,
prohibiting any Federation ship from visiting Talos IV. To do so
is punishable by death (the only remaining instance of the capital
punishment for a violation of Starfleet regulations).
(TOS: “The Cage”, “The Menagerie”)

2253 Ensign James Kirk serves on the USS Republic, NCC-1373
(TOS:”Court-Martial”)

2253 Federation starship (possibly the USS Republic) first visits
planet Neural. Lt. James Kirk leads survey team that finds planet
to be in relatively primitive state.
(TOS: “A Private Little War”)

2254 Lieutenant James Kirk serves on the ill-fated USS Farragut,
which encounters a gaseous cloud that drains red blood cells
from living organisms on planet Tycho IV.
(TOS: “Obsession”)

2255 Treaty of Armens signed between representatives of the
Federation and the Sheliak Corporate. Contact between these
parties severed after this for next 111 years.
(TNG: “The Ensigns of Command”)

c2255 Guinan’s home world is ravaged by a fleet of Borg vessels
which swarm on the planet and cause the inhabitants to flee
to various portions of the galaxy.
(TNG: “Q Who”)

2258 Carter Winston helps planet Cerberus, which experienced major
crop failure and faced mass starvations. Dr. McCoy’s daughter
was going to school on Cerberus during this time.
(TAS: “The Survivor”)

2259 Spock meets Leila Kalomi on Earth.
(TOS: “This Side of Paradise”)

2260 Birth of David Marcus

2260 SS Beagle, Class 4 stardrive vessel commanded by Captain
R. M. Merik, damaged by Merik so that he can maroon his
crew on planet 892-IV.
(TOS: “Bread and Circuses”)

c2260 Ruins of Teigas III made off limits to offworlders, including
archeologists. All further archeological studies conducted by
native scientists.
(TNG: “Qpid”)

2261 Birth of Saavik (Hellguard)

2263 Carter Winston, successful space trader and a noted
philanthropist, disappears. It is later learned that he dies and
his identity is assumed by a Vendorian shape-changer.
(TAS: “The Survivor”)

2263 Population of planet Ingraham B wiped out by flying parasites
(TOS: “Operation: Annihilate!”)

Late 2263 Enterprise returns from latest five-year mission. Pike is
promoted to Fleet Captain and assigned to Starfleet Academy
(TOS: “The Menagerie”)

2263 – Major refit/reconstruction of USS Enterprise
late 2264

2264 Redjac entity, as Beratis, kills women on Rigel IV.
(TOS: “Wolf in the Fold”)

Late 2264 Capt. James Kirk takes command of Enterprise

2264 – Unchronicled adventures. Up to and including “Where no Man Has
early 2265 Gone Before”

Jan. 2265 Minor refit of Enterprise following events at the edge of the
galaxy (TOS: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”)

2265 Episodes of STAR TREK’s first season

2265 Talosians allow crippled Fleet Captain Pike to remain on Talos IV
(TOS: “The Menagerie”)

2265 SS Botany Bay recovered with all hands by USS Enterprise. Khan
Noonian Singh, genetic superman from Eugenics War, tries to
overtake ship. Khan and his followers are marooned on Ceti Alpha
V to prevent exposure to rest of the Federation.
(TOS: “Space Seed”)

2265 Abortive Federation/Klingon war. Organians intervene, establish
the Organian Peace Treaty and the Federation/Klingon Neutral
Zone.
(TOS: “Errand of Mercy”)

Late 2265 Ceti Alpha VI explodes, throwing Ceti Alpha V off its orbit,
laying the planet to waste and forcing Kahn’s colony into chaos to
survive.
(ST2:TWOK)

2266 Episodes of STAR TREK’s second season

2266 The Enterprise hosts a number of dignitaries going to the planet
Babel to debate the admission of Coridan into the Federation. En
route, ambassador Sarek of Vulcan suffers cardial problems at a
particularly inopportune time.
(TOS: “Journey to Babel”)

c2266 “Official” end of the clan wars that had ravaged on planet
Achamar for generations. Group of Achamarions calling themselves
“The Gatherers” split from popular Achamarion culture and leave
the planet to find their fortunes plundering neighboring solar
systems. (TNG: “The Vengeance Factor”)

2267 Episodes of STAR TREK’s third season

2267 Doctor Leonard McCoy diagnosed with a fatal, rare disease,
xenoplycythemia. He is gives himself about a year to live. Cure
for the disease is found on the asteroid world, Yonada.
(TOS: “For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky”)

c2267 Birth of Uta of the Trelestas (Achamar).
(TNG: “The Vengeance Factor”)

c2267 First recorded occurances of wormhole phenomena in the
39 Titaura star system.
(TNG: “Clues”)

2268 Establishment of Nimbus III, publicly touted as “The Planet of
Galactic Peace.” It is jointly governed by the Romulans,
Klingons, and Federation and colonized by races from all over the
known galaxy.
(STV: THE FINAL FRONTIER)

2268 Episodes of animated STAR TREK’s first season

2268 A giant clone of Dr. Stavros Keniculus (one of the scientists
responsible for the gentic supermen of the Eugenics Wars) is found
by the Enterprise on the planet Phylos. As the Phlosians are a
dying race, both he and a giant clone of Spock are left on that
planet to try and save them from extinction.
(TAS: “The Infinite Vulcan”)

2269 Episodes of animated STAR TREK’s second season

2270 Early in year, Enterprise returns from five-year mission. Of the
original 13 Constitution-class starships launched circa 2251, she
is the only to return relatively intact. James T. Kirk promoted
to Admiral.

2270-2271 Enterprise mothballed

2271 – Enterprise undergoes major refit/reconstruction
mid 2273

2273 Vejur Incident (ST – THE MOTION PICTURE)

Mid 2273 – Unchronicled second five-year mission *
late 2278

2274 Colony ship ‘Artemis’ launched for system Septimus Minor.
Accident causes ship to go off course and eventually crash land
on Tau Cygna V, a planet, by treaty, belonging to the Sheliak
Corporate, but uninhabited. Survivors start colony which
thrives for next 92 years.
(TNG: “The Ensigns of Command”)

2275 Sarek begins first of a series of negotiations with the
Legarans which would take 93 years to culminate in a
settlement that would see the Legarans finally become members
of the Federation.
(TNG: “Sarek”)

2278 Minor refit of Enterprise. James Kirk appointed Commandant of
Starfleet Academy.

2279 Enterprise assigned as Starfleet Academy training vessel
(STII: THE WRATH OF KHAN)

2279 Birth of Admiral Mark Jameson
(TNG: “Too Short a Season”)

2281 Record of when Kevin Uxbridge, a botanist, is supposed to have
been born on Earth. Uxbridge is later found to have been a
wandering immortal of the species, the Dowd. It is uncertain
if this was when he arrived on Earth.
(TNG: “The Survivors”)

2284 Rashan Uxbridge, a future botanist, born on Earth. She would
eventually fall victim of an attack on her colony by a hostile
race, the Huwsnok.
(TNG: “The Survivors”)

2286 Genesis Conference, Whalesong Crisis, destruction of NCC-1701,
terrorist takeover of Nimbus III. Launch of Enterprise
NCC-1701-A, Capt. James Kirk commanding. Klingon ambassador to
the Federation vows: “There will be no peace as long as Kirk
lives!”
(STII through V)

2286 Trelesta clan thought to be wiped out by Lornak clan on planet
Achamar, ending a 200 year blood feud.
(TNG: “The Vengeance Factor”)

2287 Last known occurance of a systems-wide technological failure
on a starship.
(TNG: “Evolution”)
Note: The above could have referred to USS Enterprise,
NCC-1701-A (ST5)

2288 Mysteriously, the Organians disappear, leaving the treaty without
its enforcers *

2289 Rising tensions of the last twenty years combined with the recent
Purge of Klingon non-Imperial races and the withdrawal of the
Organians ignite the Federation/Klingon War.

2290 Klingon Battlecruiser Tong launched on secret military mission to
Federation frontier with her crew in suspended animation.
(TNG: “The Emissary”)

2297 First Klingon contact with planet Bentax II
(TNG: “Devil’s Due”)

2302 Last known contact with planet Angel I by Federation starship
before visit by USS Enterprise in 2364.
(TNG: “Angel One”)

2307 Launch of USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-B, an EXCELSIOR-class
starship *

2307 The Federation/Klingon War ends in stalemate, due to the
reticence of the Romulans to become involved. They apparently
have problems on another frontier. *

2310 Birth of Jean-Luc Picard (France, Earth) *

2311 Romulans sever diplomatic relations with the Federation during
the Tomad Incident, costing thousands of lives.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

2313 Kevin and Rashan Uxbridge married on Earth.
(TNG: “The Survivors”)

2313 Penthar Mohl of Lornak clan killed by microvirus engineered by
Trelesta clan and transmitted by Uta of the Trelestas on planet
Achamar. (TNG: “The Vengeance Factor”)

2314 Future Admiral Mark Jameson marries (TNG: “Too Short a Season”)

2319 Civil war rages on Mordan IV. Gov’t kidnaps 63 passengers and
crew of a passing starliner. Jameson sent by StarFleet after 2
Federation negotiators are killed to bargain for the hostages.
Jameson violates Prime Directive by providing Mordanians with
Federation weapons for the release of the hostages. This results
in 4 decades of continuing civil war on Mordan IV.
(TNG: “Too Short a Season”)

2323 Birth of Beverly Crusher *

2330 Ensign Jean-Luc Picard gets into a ballroom brawl with a trio of
Norsicans at Starbase Eirhardt. Picard is impaled and requires
cardiac replacement in order to survive.
(TNG: “Samaritan Snare”)

2334 USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-B decommissioned *

c2335 Lieutenant Jean-Luc Picard attends the wedding of Ambassador
Sarek’s son.
(TNG: “Sarek”)

2335 Birth of William T. Riker (Valdez, Alaska, Earth)
(TNG: “The Icarus Factor”)

2335 Launch of USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C, an AMBASSADOR-class
starship *

c2337 Civil war breaks out on colony world Turkana IV, leading to an
anarchist society that still rules the colony
(TNG: “Legacy”)

2338 Birth of Worf, son of Morgh (Kling) *

2338 Lt. Cmdr. Data found by a landing party from the starship
USS Tripoli on the planet Omicron Theta while investigating
the disappearance of the planet’s colony.
(TNG: “Datalore”)

2340 Birth of Tasha Yar (Turkana IV) *

2342 Negotiations for Federation/Klingon alliance begin.

2342 J.L. Picard stands up the future Jenise Manhiem by not showing up
April 9 at the Cafe des Artistes in Paris before end of shore leave on
Earth. Shipped out on the USS Stargazer, Picard’s first command.
(TNG: “We’ll Always Have Paris”)

2344 NCC-1701-C, Captain Rachel Garrett commanding, destroyed while
defending Klingon outpost Nirendra III from Romulans.
(TNG: “Yesterday’s Enterprise”)

2344 A Federation starship is destroyed by the Harada during
diplomatic contact when the ship’s captain mispronounced a
Haradan greeting, outraging the insectoid race.
(TNG: “The Big Goodbye”)

2345 Birth of K’Hern, brother of Worf, son of Morgh.
(TNG: “Sins of the Father”)

2346 Romulan/Klingon Alliance collapses as the result of a Romulan
attacks on Klingon bases (including Khitomer).

2347 Federation/Klingon Alliance begins, directly as a result of
Enterprise-C’s sacrifice in defense of Nirendra III.

2348 Last attempt of reconcilliation between the Achmarions and the
Gatherers.
(TNG: “The Vengeance Factor”)

Late 2348 Birth of Wesley Crusher
(TNG: “Evolution”)

2349 Dr. Paul Manhiem leaves Earth to find a planet suitable for
conducting experiments relating to his time theories.
(TNG: “We’ll Always Have Paris”)

2350 William Riker leaves home to join Star Fleet Academy.
(TNG: “The Icarus Factor”)

2350 Salia of Dalid IV taken as an infant to grow up on Clavdia III
where she would be educated until she returns to her homeworld
to reunite two warring factions of a centuries-old civil war.
(TNG: “The Dauphin”)

c2351 * USS Stargazer (Captain Jean-Luc Picard, commanding) is chased from
sector 21505 by a Cardassian warship. The Stargazer was to
attempt peace treaty negotaions, but was attacked when she lowered
shields as a gesture of good faith.
(TNG: “The Wounded”)

2351 Dr. Paul Manhiem and collegues take up shop on planet Vandor IV.
Begins time experiments that would come to a head and take the
lives of all of his collegues an nearly himself 15 years later.
(TNG: “We’ll Always Have Paris”)

2352 Tasha Yar escapes from her homeworld, Turkana IV, eventually to
join Starfleet.
(TNG: “Legacy”)

2353 Kyle Riker was a civilian strategist advising Starfleet in
their continuing conflict with the Tholians. The Starbase he was
on is attacked, leaving Riker the sole survivor. Riker meets
Kate Pulaski at this time, nearly marries her.
(TNG: “The Icarus Factor”)

2353 Jeremiah Rossa born on colony world Gaelin IV.
(TNG: “Suddenly Human”)

2354 While commanding the USS Stargazer, J.L. Picard visits planet
Chalna.
(TNG: “Allegiance”)

2355 USS Stargazer (NCC-2893) attacked by a then unidentified Ferengi
vessel. The Stargazer is abandoned in the Maxia Zeta star system.
(TNG: “The Battle”)

2356 J.L. Picard cleared in court-martial proceedings following
the loss of the USS Stargazer. He doesn’t see Phillipa Luvoir
(the JAG officer assigned to prosecute his case) for 10 years.
(TNG: “The Measure of a Man”)

2356 Last Terallian plague ship believed destroyed by the Alcians.
Another ship is encountered in 2364.
(TNG: “Haven”)

Early 2357 Gaelin IV attacked by Tellerian military forces. Jeremiah Rossa’s
parents are killed in the action. Jeremiah survives and is
rescued by the Tellerian captain responsible. By Tellerian
custom, Jeremiah is raised as the Captain’s son.
(TNG: “Suddenly Human”)

2357 Accident befalls the freighter Odin in space near the Romulan
Neutral Zone. Four survivors in escape pods reach planet
Angel One where they seek refuge.
(TNG: “Angel One”)

2359 Civil war ends on Mordan IV
(TNG: “Too Short a Season”)

2360 Birth of Alexander, son of Worf and K’Eylar.
(TNG: “Reunions”)

2361 Turkana IV visted by USS Potemkin, colonists warn starship that
if anyone beams down to the planet, they will be killed.
(TNG: “Legacy”)

2361 Kevin and Rashan Uxbridge move from Earth to their retirement
home on planet Delta Rana IV.
(TNG: “The Survivors”)

2362 Lt. Geordi LaForge, serving aboard the USS Victory (NCC-9754),
unknowingly contracts a parasite during away duty on planet
Tarchanan III while investigating the disappearance of 49
colonists. Fate of the colonists would remain unknown until the
parasite became active within LaForge and other members of that
away team five years later.
(TNG: “Identity Crisis”)

2364 Miles Edward O’Brian transferred to USS Enterprise after
serving aboard the USS Rutlidge (Captain Benjamin Maxwell
commanding) as tactical officer. The Rutlidge was a front line
ship involved in the Federation/Cardassian conflict. *
(TNG: “The Wounded”)

2364 Launch of GALAXY-class USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-D, Capt. Jean-Luc
Picard commanding
(TNG: “Encounter at Farpoint”)

2364 Episodes of TNG’s first season

Early 2364 USS Stargazer recovered during a Ferengi attempt to discredit
Captain Picard in the Zendi Sabu star system.
(TNG:”The Battle”)

Mid 2364 Admiral Mark Jameson lured to Mordan IV where he eventually
dies from a drug overdose.
(TNG: “Too Short a Season”)

Late 2364 Tasha Yar killed by Armus on planet Vagra II
(TNG: “Skin of Evil”)

Late 2364 Conspiracy to take over Star Fleet by an alien life form thwarted
by the actions of a few individuals, followed through and
ended by Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Cmdr. Will Riker of the
USS Enterprise.
(TNG: “Conspiracy”)

Late 2364 Evidence of unknown species that “scoops” away inhabitants and
technology of several Federation and Romulan outposts along
the Neutral Zone.
(TNG: “The Neutral Zone”)

2365 Episodes of TNG’s second season

2365 Beverly Crusher promoted to head of Star Fleet Medical
(TNG: “The Child”)

Mid 2365 IKV Tong arrives at Federation frontier (TNG: “The Emissary”)

2365 Enterprise thrown 7000 light years by Q to system J-25 where
they make first contact with the Borg, a cyborg species
described by Guinan and Q as the perfect “users”
(TNG: “Q Who?”)

2366 Episodes of TNG’s third season

2366 Beverly Crusher returns as CMO to starship Enterprise to remain
closer to her son.
(TNG: “Evolution”)

2366 Sector 23 JAG, Captain Phillipa Luvoir presiding, upholds
previous Starfleet ruling that LCDR Data – while admittedly a
machine – is a sentient being, deserving the rights and
priviledges granted all other sentient life forms.
(TNG: “The Measure of a Man”)

2366 Peace treaty signed between the Cardassians and the Federation
after a protracted interstellar war.
(TNG: “The Wounded”)

2366 The android Lore, Data’s “brother” found floating in space by
a Paklid starship. Fate of the Paklid crew is unknown, presumed
dead.
(TNG: “Brothers”)

2366 A star-faring race, the Huwsnok, are exterminated by an immortal
being of a race called the Dowd (Kevin Uxbridge) living on colony
planet Delta Rana IV. After a Huwsnok warship destroys the
colony, killing 11,000 humans, the Dowd kills 50 billion Huwsnok.
Delta Rana IV is quarantined by Starfleet Command to avoid contact
with the lone Dowd inhabitant.
(TNG: “The Survivors”)

Late 2366/ Borg starship kidnaps Capt. Picard of the Enterprise, destroys
Early 2367 39 Starfleet vessels (11,000 hands lost) and nearly has the
opportunity to assimilate the inhabitants of planet Earth into
their collective. Attempt repelled by Enterprise under Brevet
Captain William T. Riker, and Picard is retrieved.
(TNG: “The Best of Both Worlds (Parts I and II)”) &
(TNG: “The Drumhead”)

2367 Episodes of TNG’s fourth season.

2367 Doctor Noonian Soongh, creater of the androids Data and Lore,
found to still be alive on planet in uncharted star system.
It is believed Soongh died shortly after an encounter with
the starship USS Enterprise.
(TNG: “Brothers”)

2367 Transporter Chief Miles Edward O’Brien marries
(TNG: “Data’s Day”)

2367 Wesley Crusher enters Star Fleet Academy.
(TNG: “Final Mission”)

2367 Captain Benjamin Maxwell is arrested and transported back to
Starfleet when he uses the USS Phoenix to make preventative
strikes against Cardassian bases and ships. Evidence that the
Cardassians are re-arming for war is discovered.
(TNG: “The Wounded”)

2367 An interstellar con artist uses the legend of Ardra to attempt to
gain control of Bentax II. The entire planet is nearly duped into
believing a goddess of evil had returned.
(TNG: “Devil’s Due”)

2368 Episodes of TNG’s fifth season.

c2650 Kal Dayno invents the Tax Utat–a quantum phase inhibitor in the
shape of a large crystal. It is capable of halting all nuclear
activity within a star. Two Vorgon criminals attempt to steal the
Utat and Dayno flees to the 22nd century. He hides it on Rhysa.
(TNG: “Captain’s Holiday”)

——————————————————————————

Abbreviations:
TOS – The Original Series
79 episodes which aired on NBC 1966-1969
starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy,
and DeForest Kelley.
TAS – The Animated Series
22 episodes which aired on NBC 1973-1975
starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy,
and DeForest Kelley.
TMS – The Movie Series
Six theatrically released movies released
1979-1991 starring William Shatner, Leonard
Nimoy, and DeForest Kelley.
TNG – The Next Generation
100+ episodes currently airing in first-run
syndication, starring Patrick Stewart,
Johnathan Frakes, and Brent Spiner.
TMP – Star Trek – The Motion Picture
The first Star Trek movie, released 1979
STII – Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Second move, released 1982
STIII – Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
Third movie, released 1985
STIV – Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Fourth movie, released 1987
STV – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Fifth movie, released 1989
STVI – Star Trek VI
Sixth movie, tentative release December 13, 1991

——————————————————————————

“When’s When In the STAR TREK Universe”

Those who construct Star Trek timelines have generally placed the voyages
of the original starship Enterprise (NCC-1701) at the late 22nd or early 23rd
century. This assumption is apparently due to information from “Space Seed:”
Kirk tells Khan, whose ship launched in 1996, that he and his fellow supermen
have been asleep for “about two centuries.” Thus, an approximation of early
23rd century was assumed. There are two major pieces of evidence which
contradict this: in STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME, Kirk tells Gillian Taylor
he is from the late 23rd century, and in “The Neutral Zone,” Data specifically
states the current year is 2364.

The key facts in constructing a realistic timeline are these:

The Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) was launched in the year 2364. The authors
take the liberty of that small assumption because it seems that since the
traditional Terran end-of-year celebrations were still being practiced in the
time of Captain Kirk (reference was made to a Christmas party “Dagger of the
Mind”), it would be unusual for the new crew to let these incidents pass by
unnoticed. In addition, Picard’s log entry stardates have proceeded unevenly
from 41153.7 through the 44000s. The move from the “41″ to the “44″ prefixes
seems to indicate a new year, and an early first season writers’ guide would
tend to corroborate this.

The voyages of NCC-1701-D are seventy-eight years “after the days of the
original starship Enterprise.” This is an oft-quoted statement from the STAR
TREK offices and virtually incontrovertible.

Admiral Leonard H. McCoy, M.D., though unnamed in the episode, made a
recognizable cameo appearance in “Encounter at Farpoint.” Data stated at that
time that he was one-hundred thirty-seven years of age “according to Starfleet
records.”

Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan was 202 years old when he made an appearance in
“Sarek” (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION’s third season, or 2366).

Since Sarek was 102.437 years of age when he appeared in “Journey to
Babel,” STAR TREK’s second season takes place in 2266. Sarek was born in
2164.

McCoy’s age provides us with further clues. Subtracting 137 from 2364
gives us 2227. Leonard H. McCoy was born sometime during that year. In STAR
TREK’s second season, he was 39.

If McCoy was thirty-nine, then STAR TREK’s first season takes place in the
year 2265. There is a high degree of probability (the reasons for which are
explained in greater detail later) that “Where No Man Has Gone Before” was not
Kirk’s first mission as Enterprise’s commander. It’s more likely that the
Enterprise’s five-year mission began in late 2264.

As a sidelight, we can now pinpoint the year in which Kirk was born. Kirk
was thirty-four the STAR TREK’s second season (stated in “The Deadly Years”),
therefore he was born in 2232. For those who are interested, if Kirk avoided
death by mishap, he would be 134 in 2366 and possibly still alive since McCoy
(five years his senior) was living in 2364.

Given these years, it is then possible to make other deductions about the
history of the Enterprise. As it is easiest to work backward with the
vessel’s commanders, one ponders the captaincy of Christopher Pike. Spock
says in “The Menagerie” that the Enterprise’s visit to Talos IV happened
“thirteen years ago,” and that he served with Pike for “eleven years, four
months, five days.” If “The Menagerie” was in 2265, then “The Cage” was in
2252. Since Spock served with Pike for eleven years and not thirteen, and as
also stated in that episode, Kirk “took over the Enterprise” from Pike, “The
Cage” was probably early in Pike’s command. We personally like to place it in
the first year of his command. These dates in mind, Christopher Pike was
Captain of the Enterprise from 2252 well into 2263.

Where was the Enterprise between mid 2263 to late 2264? It seems that
Starfleet has a tendency to extensively refit existing starships rather than
build new ones. From mid-2269 to early 2271 James Kirk was probably with
Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott at Spacedock overseeing a refit of his
new command. A young Captain named Willard Decker later did a similar thing
from early 2271 to mid 2273. A refit at some point between “The Cage” and
“Where No Man Has Gone Before” is quite likely, considering several major
differences in appearance (the primary hull, the nacelles, the shuttle bay,
etc). There was also a lesser refit sometime following that latter adventure,
but considering the ship regained warp drive only due to Lee Kelso’s “talented
thievery”, a period of time in a starbase drydock following this incident
would not be amiss.

Prior to Pike’s Captaincy, things become much more subject to conjecture.
We know that Commodore Robert April was the first captain of the Enterprise
(“The Counter-Clock Incident”). We don’t know from onscreen evidence that he
commanded the ship immediately before Pike, but it would seem likely. By the
time Kirk commanded her, she was at least thirteen years old. It is easiest
on the ship if we assume April was captain immediately before Pike.

Commodore Robert April was a retiring ambassador aged seventy-five in “The
Counter-Clock Incident.” Our personal preference is to place this adventure
very close to the end of the five-year mission. Since this assumption would
place “The Counter-Clock Incident” in 2269, Robert April was born in early
2194.

Unfortunately, all we know about April from the series is that he
commanded the ship for some period, and that the bridge of the Enterprise
“feels more like home” than anywhere he’s ever been. Since eighteen months
seems to be the standard Starfleet refit, one could assume that such a refit
existed after April’s command. This way, one does as little damage as
possible to the events of the novel FINAL FRONTIER by Diane Carey, although
the dates become inaccurate. If April’s command proceeded much as chronicled
in that novel, then he probably wasn’t aboard the Enterprise for any
appreciable length of time. There was probably the chronicled “unofficial”
mission, a shakedown refit, and then a shakedown cruise. Following this,
Captain Christopher Pike took command.

This would place April’s mission to the Neutral Zone in 2250, and the
commissioning of the Enterprise in 2251. The flaw in our preferred assumption
is that this makes April’s age about fifty-six. This would make him the
average age for a Captain in any traditional quasi-military organization, but
disagrees with his age in FINAL FRONTIER. Our purpose, however, is not to
bridge continuity gaps between different media but establish a theoretical
continuity for Roddenberry’s filmed media. This seems best, since most fans
accept his as the “official” canon.

During the latter years of Pike’s command James Kirk was a very active
man. In order for David Marcus to be in his mid 20s in 2286, Kirk would have
had to have sired him with Carol Marcus around 2260, about four years before
he became captain of the Enterprise.

A sidelight: if Saavik was about ten when Spock discovered her around the
year 2270, then in 2366, she would be about 107. This would put her at Vulcan
middle age, and almost certainly alive, assuming she didn’t meet with mishap.

There are a number of other deductions one can make once the above
information is known. Spock’s year of birth, for example, was probably 2223,
since he was in his late twenties in 2252. This would make him 143 years of
age in TNG, and considering the long Vulcan life span, probably still alive
(if he avoided mishap).

Pavel Chekov was a recently-graduated Ensign in 2265 (somewhere in the
background during “Space Seed”), making him approximately 22. Thus, he was
born in 2243. Similarly, if one assumes ages of 41, 26, and 25 for Scotty,
Sulu, and Uhura in 2265, then their birth years are 2224, 2239, and 2240
respectively.

The Enterprise’s mission under James T. Kirk was five years long, ending
therefore in 2269 or 2270. It was probably early 2270, in order for the
numbers to work out nicely. Following her triumphant return, Kirk was
promoted to Admiral and posted to Chief of Starfleet Operations (stated in
STAR TREK – THE MOTION PICTURE). McCoy resigned Starfleet in disgust when
Admiral Nogura (Starfleet’s Chief of Staff) ignored McCoy’s advice against a
ground assignment for Kirk. Spock led a mission to the planet Vonda McIntyre
nicknamed “Hellguard” and discovered a half-Romulan, half-Vulcan survivor
named Saavik. Shortly after that, he too resigned Starfleet and went to Gol,
on Vulcan, to study Kholinahr.

Following approximately one year inactive and an eighteen-month refit (as
stated in STAR TREK – THE MOTION PICTURE), Kirk took the Enterprise to meet
Vejur in mid 2273.

There is a significant gap of thirteen years between ST-TMP and STAR TREK
II: THE WRATH OF KHAN. What precisely happened is unknown, but it seems very
likely that Starfleet allowed Kirk to keep the Enterprise for some period of
time. The authors would like to assume a second, unchronicled five year
mission. Following this, the Enterprise was assigned as a Starfleet Academy
training vessel with Spock as her commander. Kirk was posted to Commandant of
Starfleet Academy.

The next chronicled adventure of the Enterprise takes place 78 years prior
to THE NEXT GENERATION, or 2286. Kirk was celebrating his fifty-fourth
birthday. Since the following three films took place less than six months
apart (based on stardates and statements made in them), one can assume all the
movies to date took place in 2286. The authors is not familiar enough with
the weather patterns of the San Francisco, California area to be able to place
the approximate season given outdoor shots of Starfleet and 23rd century
Yosimite. To natives of the midwestern United States and the Canadian plains,
it looks like summer.

Approximately three years after STAR TREK V, the Federation and the
Klingon Empire went to war. It was stated in “The Emissary” that the
Federation and Klingon Empire were at war “75 years ago,” and Riker makes
reference to the war in “The Defector.” Thus, the Federation/Klingon war
began in approximately 2289.

The question that immediately comes to mind is: what happened to the
Organians? Their fate is unknown, but their disappearance is obvious: if
they had been present, a Federation/Klingon war would have been impossible.
In fact, it seems likely that given the rising tensions between the two
empires shown in the movies and apparent purging of the more human-looking
Klingon races, the presence of the Organians was probably the only thing that
prevented war.

In 2290, the Klingons sent the IKV Tong to the Federation frontier on a
secret military mission (“The Emissary”). All hands were in suspended
animation, to be awakened on arrival. Tong was eventually intercepted by the
USS Enterprise in 2365.

It seems likely that the war lasted a couple of decades, ending sometime
prior to the severance of diplomatic relations with the Romulans in 2312. The
authors infer approximately 2307.

Diplomatic relations with the Romulan Empire were severed following the
Tomar Incident, a battle which cost “thousands of lives” (mentioned in “The
Neutral Zone”). The last had not been heard from them, however. The USS
Enterprise (NCC-1701-C) battled four Romulan warships while defending the
Klingon colony Nirendra III in 2344 (“Yesterday’s Enterprise). While the
Enterprise herself was apparently destroyed, the courage of her crew impressed
the colony’s survivors. As a direct result of this battle, Federation/Klingon
negotiations (already in progress according to “Yesterday’s Enterprise”)
entered a new level. Plans for a close alliance were solidified.

The Alliance became a reality circa 2347 following the dissolution of the
Klingon/Romulan alliance (which had surprisingly lasted since 2267 ["The
Enterprise Incident"]). This was due to the continued brazen Romulan attacks
on Klingon outposts, not the least of which had been Nirendra III. The end
was reached when Khitomer – a military base – was destroyed in 2346 with the
aid of a Klingon traitor. Only a handful survived, one of which was future
Lieutenant Worf of the Enterprise (“Sins of the Father”).

The next date for which there exists hard data is from “The Battle.” In
2355, the USS STARGAZER, commanded by a young Captain Jean-Luc Picard, was
attacked by unidentified pirates. The vessel was abandoned, eventually to be
recovered in 2364.

There are some less pertinent data about the STAR TREK universe that can
be gathered from direct statements in the series. For example, in 1,741,647
BC, “The Makers” – a race of beings from the Andromeda galaxy – left a colony
in our galaxy populated entirely by androids (“I, Mudd”). Harcourt Fenton
Mudd discovered the colony in 2265 AD while fleeing prosecution.

Not long afterward (in approximately 1,000,000 BC), the Slaver Empire fell
following massive warfare (“The Slaver Weapon”). Intelligent life was
destroyed and had to evolve all over again.

Approximately 50,000 BC, Bele and Lokai of Cheron began an incredibly
long chase through the galaxy (“Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”). Bele
eventually caught up with Lokai aboard the Enterprise in 2267 AD.

Approximately 7500 BC, Fabrina went nova (“For the World is Hollow and I
Have Touched the Sky”). Their colony ship, Yonada, was located by the
Enterprise in 2267 AD.

In 3834 BC a Mesopotamian footsoldier named Akharin was born. Due to an
unusual genetic quirk, Akharin’s body could regenerate itself very quickly
from almost any affliction. Additionally, Akharin didn’t age beyond
approximately 45 years old. Between 3834 BC and 2267 AD (“Requiem for
Methuselah”), Akharin was a number of famous personages, including Johannes
Brahmes and Leonardo DaVinci.

Many other pre-spaceflight references abound in Star Trek. We have
endeavored to list as many as possible in the accompanying timeline above.

The development of Warp Drive was in approximately 2017, since Marla
McGivers stated in “Space Seed” that sleeper ships were necessary because of
long interplanetary travel times prior to that year.

Atomic weapons were used in some type of war circa the mid-21st century.
We cannot be certain when, but references to the Post Atomic Horror in
“Encounter at Farpoint” make it clear it was prior to 2079.

The United States of America had 52 states between the years 2053 and 2079
(“The Royale”). What those additional states were is unknown.

The exploratory ship Charybdis was launched on July 23, 2067 under the
command of Colonel Stephen Ritchie. Her fate was also revealed in “The
Royale.”

Colonel Sean Geoffrey Christopher led a Terran expedition to Saturn at
some point. We cannot be certain when, though his date of birth is at some
point following the Enterprise’s encounter with his father in 1969 (“Tomorrow
is Yesterday”).

Nimbus III was established in approximately 2268. Caithlin Dar stated it
was “twenty years” prior to TREK V. It must have been after 2266, since
previous to that no Federation member had ever seen a Romulan (“Balance of
Terror”). It also seems likely to have been following the establishment of
the Klingon/Romulan alliance (2267 – “The Enterprise Incident”), since this
was the period during which all three governments shared the most cordial
relations in their repective histories.

The above timeline of the STAR TREK universe is given from what we know
of it from the filmed media. There are several entries we have endeavored to
identify throughout this article that are based on our personal preference.
Where the “B” and “C” Enterprises are mentioned is pure speculation based on
the original ship’s (Enterprise-Prime?) probably longer than usual duty life.
We have omitted references to the Post Atomic Horror, since we have no solid
dates. All we know is that atomic weapons were used sometime between the mid
2050s and 2079. We would theorize, however, that Colonel Green (“The Savage
Curtain”) was involved in some way.

As is often the case in science fiction, actual history is about to prove
future history inaccurate. Consider: if Khan Noonian Singh aged normally and
appeared to be about forty years old when he was awakened from cryogenic
suspension in 2271, he would have been born in about 1956. As is easily
observable, there are no 35-year-old genetic supermen running around in
present day 1991.

When, in a couple of hundred years of so, historians look back on our
time, a small footnote somehwere in an electronic textbook might say of Star
Trek. “It was a uniquely American cultural phenomenon which occured in the
latter halof of the twentieth century, a rich collection of science-fictino
stories whose basic and enduring appeal was that they held a positive view of
humankind’s future. Despite the fact that its messages were couched in
popular form of entertainment, it managed to make a significant impact on
scientific thought. Star Trek’s cinematic voyages into the awesomeness of
space usually asked questions of relevant social significance and, sometimes,
offered wise and timely anwers to those questions, always postulating a
rational order to nature and the univers and lauding humankinds’ highest

-Unknown

There are a total of 7 parts to this story so you will
know what your missing. Hopefully they are small enough
to make it via the packet network.

73 and enjoy!!!!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
: I wrote this parody in the summer of last year, and decided a cross- :
: over was the order of the day. Not the usual TOS/TNG cross-over, but a :
: SF cross-over from Quantum Leap to Aliens and Star Wars. :
: :
: This parody takes Kirk and Co. sling-shooting from one adventure to :
: the next, journeying through various SF/fantasy universes before :
: reaching the final confrontation with that excuse for a Star Trek spin- :
: off, the TNG crew. All that remains for me to say is that I hope you :
: enjoy this parody, and read on! :
: :
: :
: Edwin Yau. :
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

-=> PROMO < =-

Next on the SF Channel... They've been with us for over 25 years, now
journey with them for one more time (again!) - not! Yes, "Star Trek VII:
The Final, Final Parody" beams to your local Amiga next, right after these
commercial breaks!

Stewart.: Have you ever bought a used car and found it not to be "up-to-
scratch"? Then it was your fault. Used-cars are irrelevant. Buy
XXXXX. Resistance is futile. Other makes of cars are irrelevant.
You will be absorbed into buying XXXXX. Resistance is futile.
Call 555-5555-BORG for your local XXXXX dealer. All other numbers
are irrelevant.

Sirtis..: Have any of you young ladies ever wanted to look as good as me?
Then dial 555-1234-TROI and speak to Dr. Marina Sirtis on a
variety of subjects like face-lifts, lipo-suction, br**st implants
and so on. Remember, that's 555-1234-TROI.

Spiner..: Out now at your local camcorder store, the amazing new XXXXX UC1
camcorder. It has x16 zoom lens, auto-stabiliser and auto-focus.
All this with exciting hi-definition picture and stereo digital
sound via Hi-8 cassettes, it's a bargain at only #999. Just call
555-6969-DATA for your local XXXXX dealer. The XXXXX UC1 - you see
one, you want one.

[Fade to...]

-=> PROLOGUE < =-

Chekov..: Course heading, Keptin?

Kirk....: 2nd star to the right, and straight on 'till morning...

[Cue the slushy score from Cliff Eidelman. The Enterprise heads off into the sunset.]

"Captain's Final Log: This ship and her history will shortly become the care of a new generation. To them and our posterity will we commit our future.

They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no-man... no-one has gone before..."

[As the Enterprise vanishes off into the sunset...]

Chekov..: Keptin! The view screen!

Kirk....: Wha...

[Everyone looks to see the face of... Sybok!]

Spock...: [raises eyebrow] Q'ue et tu?

Sybok...: Spock - I'mmmmmm here!

McCoy...: As Spock would say, "fascinating."

Spock...: And highly illogical, Dr. McCoy.

Kirk....: Forgive me for saying this, Sybok, but... aren't you dead?

Sybok...: Captain. There's no time to explain. Let's just say this is my
katra, my living spirit - now we have to go.

McCoy...: Go? Go where exactly?

Sybok...: You must come to the centre of the galaxy immediately. It is of
vital importance and concerns the future of the Enterprise!

Kirk....: The Enterprise?!? What could possibly happen to the Enterprise?

Sybok...: You don't realise, do you? Look at this - it's the Enterprise-D.

[A picture of the Enterprise-D appears on the view screen. Everyone looks
away in horror! :-) Uhura gasps. Chekov, Bones & Kirk are stunned. Even
Spock turns a shade paler! Scotty suffers the worst, utters "My poor wee
bairns", and collapses onto the floor unconscious.]

Kirk....: Ohmygod! Then we're on our way. Chekov, turn to heading of 0 0 0
mark 0, maximum possible speed - I want you to push this ship
beyond her limit.

Chekov..: Course plotted, Keptin.

McCoy...: Jim, if you ask me, and you haven't, this is a bad idea. We're
bound to bump into the Klingons, and some of them don't exactly
like you.

Kirk....: The feeling's mutual. Mr. Chekov, engage.

[The screen darkens and a starfield fades in, the opening score plays, and
it is followed by the words...]

STAR TREK: T H E F I N A L , F I N A L P A R O D Y

OR, "FROM ONE SF SERIES TO THE NEXT."
OR, "SO THIS IS THE PLOT?!?"

-=> ACT 1 < =-

[Bones walks over to Scotty and runs a hand-scanner over him.]

Kirk....: Bones, how is he?
McCoy...: Well, he has a slight concussion...
Scotty..: [mumbling to himself.] That canna' be the Enterprise. Nooo way. It
looks like someone ran it over with a steam-roller!
Kirk....: Scotty, get a grip - we can do something about it.

[Scotty is led away to sickbay, still mumbling to himself.]

Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Captain?
Kirk....: What's our E.T.A. to the centre of the galaxy?
Spock...: Well, considering we are on a set in Hollywood, it would take us
forever and a day, but in movie terms, it's as soon as I finish
this sentence.
Chekov..: Keptin, look!

[They all stare at the view screen.]

Kirk....: The Great Barrier!
Chekov..: Ve are now entering ze Great Bawwier.

[Moments later...]

Chekov..: Ve are now passing through ze Great Bawwier. Incrwedible, it does
not register on any of my instruments.

[Moments later...]

Chekov..: Ve are now through ze Great Bawwier.
Khan....: Look, there she is..... [pointing at a blue-misty planet.]
Kirk....: KHHHHHAAAAANNNN! Where did you come from?
Khan....: The parody writer just put me in for that one line, Kiiirrrkkk,
I have to go now.

[Khan suddenly vanishes as he appears.]

Kirk....: Bones, get Scotty. We're beaming down. Spock, you have the conn.

[Quick scene change to the planet! As the trio materialise, Sybok appears in
front of them.]

Kirk....: Sybok, why have you bought us here, and what's all this about the
Enterprise-D?
Sybok...: It's true, Kirk. A plan so hideous I had to let you know. 70 years
from now, the U.S.S. Enterprise-D will be built and look like
this. [a holographic picture of Ent-D appears. Scotty takes a look
and faints again. Bones rushes to his side and gets out the
smelling salts.]
Kirk....: What can we do?
Sybok...: You must slingshot into the future and help a lady called Leah
Brahms change her mind about the design of the ship.
Kirk....: Ok then we have to get going. Transporter room, three to beam up.
Sybok...: Good luck, Kirk. [Sybok smiles before vanishing in a flash of
light.]

[Later on, back on the bridge and through the Great Barrier...]

Kirk....: Mr. Spock, have you computed trajectory for time travel?
Spock...: Yes, Captain. We will slingshot around the nearby star in a moment.
Kirk....: I see. Which system is that?
Spock...: Computer, please identify the nearby system to be used for time
travel.
Computer: WORKING... System is identified as... M-25.
Chekov..: M-25? Ohhh NOOO!
Kirk....: My god, Spock. Be careful on the trajectory calculations. Re-check
them. One mistake and we could be trapped in there forever!!!
Spock...: Captain... trust me.

[Moment later...]

Spock...: I am ready, Captain.
Kirk....: Prepare for time travel! Ensign Rand, on Spock's command, I want
full braking thrusters.
Rand....: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Rand... Rand... you look familiar... are you any relation to Chief
Communications Officer Rand on board the Excelsior under the
command of Captain Hikaru Sulu who will soon have his own comic
stories and novelisations?
Rand....: Actually, sir... she's my mother.
Kirk....: I see. Well, maximum warp... engage!
Rand....: I'm sorry, Captain, I'm already married.
Kirk....: ?????... I meant engage engines!
Rand....: Sorry, Captain. Warp speed engaged.
Chekov..: Varp 3... Varp 5... Varp 7... Varp 8... Varp 9... 9.3 ... 9.5 ...
9.6 ... 9.7 ... 9.8 ... 9.9

[As they slingshot around the sun, Kirk suddenly feels a bit funnier than
usual when he slingshots around a sun, and a blue-white light flashes around
him for a moment - a light no-one else can see. As Kirk falls onto the floor,
he hears Spock saying "Something's wrong... fire braking thrusters now!",
before falling unconscious.]

[Much later on, Kirk slowly regains consciousness and hears voices...]

Spock...: Doctor McCoy...
McCoy...: Dammit, Spock, I know.

[McCoy runs a scanner over Kirk.]

McCoy...: Hmmm... nothing damaged as far as I can see, brain waves are a bit
unusual, but I never really trust these damn machines anyway. You
ok, Jim?

[Sam turns to look at the person talking, and sees a man aged around his late
50s, early 60s, dressed in a red uniform with a gold insignia on it. Behind
him stands a tall man in the same style of uniform - Sam notices his pointed
ears.]

Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy.

-=> ACT 2 < =-

Sam/Kirk: Ohhhhh, boy!
McCoy...: What'da say, Jim?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... nothing.
McCoy...: Come on, Jim. You can tell me - I'm your doctor.
Sam/Kirk: It was nothing - really.
McCoy...: Well, ok then. You're free to go, but don't go straining yourself.
You'll have a bit of a headache for a few hours, but it'll pass.
Spock, you keep an eye on him.
Spock...: Indeed, Doctor McCoy.
Sam/Kirk: What happened?
Spock...: The slingshot seemed successful, Captain. I have Commander Chekov
checking our co-ordinates at this moment. Unfortunately, you
managed to fall out of your seat and knock yourself out. We should
return to the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: Yes, the bridge.

[McCoy and Spock look at each other, McCoy wearing a puzzled look on his
face.]

McCoy...: Are you sure you're ok, Jim?

[Sam, still slightly disorientated, sits there for a moment before he
realises McCoy is talking to him.]

Sam/Kirk: Yeah, fine doctor, just fine, really... I'm coming, Spock.

[Sam gets up, heads for what looks like a set of double-doors which slides
open as he nears it. As he walks through, he knows that he doesn't know
which direction to go. Taking a guess, he turns left, as does Spock. Lucky
guess, Sam thinks.]

[As they walk along the corridor, they pass a few women, who all wink and
smile at Kirk. Sam begins to get worried. They near another set of doors
which opens to what looks like an elevator (indeed, it has Turbolift 1
marked on it). Two women step out, both who wink and smile at Kirk also. Sam
is really worried now. Entering the turbolift, the doors shut and a voice
says "What level, please?"]

Sam/Kirk: Erm, let's see now... level...
Spock...: Are you sure you're feeling ok, Captain?
Sam/Kirk: [smiling] Yeah, fine, just fine!
Spock...: Indeed, Captain. [Speaks to elevator] Bridge.

[The turbolift stops moments later and opens. Sam steps out onto the Bridge,
a circular room with many people at what looks like various hi-tech computer
stations. On the far side of the room is a massive screen - a screen that
shows the Earth right in-front of them.]

Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.

[A man sitting in the centre seat sees Sam/Kirk and gets up immediately. He
starts speaking in a Russian accent.]

Chekov..: Keptin, I vas just about to call you. Ve have a big problem.
Sam/Kirk: I see - what is it?
Chekov..: It's when something is seriously wrong, but that's not important
right now. Keptin, ve have slingshot into Earth's past by meestake!
Uhura...: Captain, I've been monitoring Earth's frequencies. Their tracking
stations have picked us up.
Spock...: Captain, may I suggest that we move into orbit around the far side
of the moon as they will not be able to detect us from there?
Sam/Kirk: Erm, good idea, Spock.

[A few moments pass of silence.]

Spock...: Captain, shouldn't you give the order?
Sam/Kirk: What? Oh, sorry Spock, erm... headache's still playing up. You
look after things here and I'll... go and have a rest in my
quarters.
Spock...: Yes, Captain.

[Sam heads for and enters the turbolift. The doors shut.]

Turbolift: What level, please?
Sam/Kirk: Erm... quarters?
Turbolift: Please state officers or crew quarters?
Sam/Kirk: Er, officers' quarters. [Neat, Sam thinks to himself.]

[On the bridge, Spock is in deep thought. This does not seem to be the
Captain Kirk he knows...]

[On the officers' deck, Sam sees, thankfully, that each door is labelled
with the various names of officers. Glancing at each one as he walks along
the corridor, he finally comes to one marked "Captain James T. Kirk.". He
enters "his" quarters. Inside...]

Sam/Kirk: Al! Where are you?... AL!!!

[A woman appears suddenly from behind him.]

Phillips: Hello Captain James T. Kirk...

[Sam turns suddenly, and is grabbed by the woman and is given a long kiss.
He manages to pull himself away.]

Sam/Kirk: Oh, boy.
Phillips: Why Jim, don't you remember me?
Sam/Kirk: Well, er... as a matter of fact...
Phillips: Come on Jim, the party on Tarius 3, I didn't know you were that
good.
Sam/Kirk: Well look er...
Phillips: Jennifer Phillips
Sam/Kirk: Jennifer, I really need...
Phillips: What you need is for me to refresh you're memory...

[Jennifer grabs Sam and kisses him again. As they kiss, Al appears.]

Al......: Finally found you, Sam. Just checking out some of the ladies here,
why some of them have the best looking... Sam, I didn't know you
had it in you. And I thought I was the only one with the good
looks.
Sam/Kirk: [pushing himself away from Jennifer] Look Jennifer, I'm very busy
at the moment. I have a lot of work to do, so I'll see you later,
ok?
Phillips: Ok... Captain.

[Jennifer steps out of the Kirk's quarters, blowing Sam a kiss as she leaves.
As the door shuts, Sam breathes a sigh of relief.]

Sam/Kirk: That was close.
Al......: You're telling me. I happened to be passing a few women in the
crew quarters and...
Sam/Kirk: What were you doing there... oh never mind - I can guess.
Al......: Sam, I'm surprised at you! It was just some... investigative work.
Sam/Kirk: Sure Al, I believe you.
Al......: Anyway, as I was saying, you have quite a reputation among the
female members of the crew. Apparently you're quite a ladies man,
especially in your younger days - still looks like you've got it
though.
Sam/Kirk: Al, will you just tell me what's going on! Look at this place! All
this hi-tech equipment. See this computer terminal? A lot of
things seem to be mostly voice-activated here. I don't even
recognise most of the stuff. No government could have produced
anything like this, and what's more, I'M IN SPACE!
Al......: I know. According to Ziggy, this IS a spaceship.
Sam/Kirk: You know that's ridiculous! No-one can build a spaceship this big,
and the computer equipment's too advanced.
Al......: No-one has... yet.
Sam/Kirk: What are you saying? That I've leapt into the future? - you know
that's totally impossible. I can only leap into the past or back
to the present.
Al......: Well this is the present.
Sam/Kirk: WHAT!
Al......: NASA monitored a UFO leaving Earth's orbit at incredible speeds.
They can't locate it at the moment and will just probably log it
as another unexplained mystery.
Sam/Kirk: So why am I here?
Al......: I can't tell you that - this is the present remember?
Sam/Kirk: Which means we're going to have to work it out for ourselves -
great!
Al......: [pointing at terminal] How about trying to find out who's who
first?
Sam/Kirk: Good idea. [sits down in-front of terminal] Let's see how advanced
this thing is... erm... hello computer?

[Nothing happens.]

Sam/Kirk: Computer?
Computer: Working...
Al......: Great Sam! Try some easy command.
Sam/Kirk: Computer, tell me the date.
Computer: Stardate 9530.8
Al......: [sarcastically] Great Sam - that means a lot to me.
Sam/Kirk: Al! Computer... give me the date in 20th century Earth calendar
style.
Computer: 8th July, 2295.
Al......: 2295! That's the 23rd century!
Sam/Kirk: Computer, can you give me the name and details of... this ship.
Computer: U.S.S. Enterprise. Constitution class starship, registry
NCC-1701-A. Property of Starfleet Command, United Federation Of
Planets, commissioned... [the computer waffles on...]
Al......: Ask for the command officers's personnel file, Sam.
Sam/Kirk: That's enough, computer... give me the personnel file of the
command officers on this ship, and I want the ship's log too.
Computer: Working...

[The computer starts giving out information of the command crew which Sam,
Al and Ziggy digest. Much later on...]

Sam/Kirk: Ok, Al, we know who's who, and we've read the ship's log - now
what?
Al......: Just play along and you'll have to figure it out on the way.
Sam/Kirk: Great Al, just great.

[The communications terminal comes on.]

Uhura...: Captain Kirk, you're needed on the bridge.
Sam/Kirk: On my way, Uhura.

[In the turbolift, Al appears.]

Al......: Sam, have you seen the women on the bridge? What I wouldn't do
to...
Sam/Kirk: Al, can you not think about the opposite sex for once?
Al......: Sorry Sam, just a genetic defect - runs in the family.
Sam/Kirk: I can imagine.
Al......: But you have to admit, it's a good defect.
Sam/Kirk: Look Al, I doubt if I'm here to warp around the galaxy in Kirk's
body.
Al......: Don't worry, Sam, something's bound to happen soon, and then you
can carry on leaping around.

[The turbolift comes to a halt and the doors slide open. Al and Sam step
out.]

Spock...: Ah, Captain, the new calculations for the slingshot have been
computed - I can assure you that they are accurate.
Sam/Kirk: Helm, prepare for maximum warp...

[Ziggy starts bleeping madly. Al shouts to Sam.]

Al......: Sam, Chekov's console!

[Sam suddenly notices sparks flying out from Chekov's console.]

Sam/Kirk: Chekov! [Sam dives from Chekov and grabs him, pulling him away,
just as there is an small explosion.]
Chekov..: Keptin, you saved my life.
Sam/Kirk: I did?
Al......: Sam, that's probably it, you had to save Chekov.
Sam/Kirk: Spock, check that console.
Spock...: Yes, Captain. I surmise that there is a 99.352345% chance that it
was a short circuit that caused the explosion. I will run a
diagnostic on the console to confirm this.

[An hour later.]

Spock...: All systems running 100%, Captain.
Sam/Kirk: Then let's get going. Ensign Rand, engage.

[As the Enterprise reaches warp speed, Sam feels a slight tingling, and a
familiar blue-white light envelopes him.]

-=> ACT 3 < =-

Kirk....: What happened?
Spock...: I'm sorry, Captain?
Kirk....: We did slingshot successfully, didn't we?
Spock...: Captain, we ended up in Earth's past, but we have tried the
slingshot again - I am confident that everything is correct now.
Kirk....: Well that must have just been a weird dream about this laboratory
I had.
Spock...: Possibly, Captain, though I doubt it. However, we have more
pressing matters at this moment.
Kirk....: Correct, Spock. Check our co-ordinates.

[Moments later.]

Spock...: Captain, computers do not recognise this system at all. It...

[Suddenly the red alert goes off.]

Chekov..: Keptin, 2 unidentified wessels have appeared from varp... I think.
Kirk....: You think?
Chekov..: Vell, it does not look like varp power that they are using.
Spock...: Captain, the unidentified vessels are over 4 times our length and
width. Each ship's mass is approximately 64 times greater than our
own - they are using a form of energy, type unknown, power unknown.
Kirk....: Really, Spock, that sort of information went out when we did the
original series. We only allowed it in Star Trek - The Motion
Picture for old times sake. [aside] by the way Trekkers, the first
5 movies are now available as a set in widescreen format for
#XXXXX at your local video sell-through store! But enough of that,
Uhura, signal the ships.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. Unidentified vessel, this is the U.S.S. Enterprise,
please identify yourselves.
Chekov..: Keptin, they are heading towards us... I've checked our ship's
library - unfortunately, "Jane's Book of Unidentified Spaceships" -
[aside] only #XXXXX at any XXXX XXXXXX or your local bookstore -
has no listing for a spaceship the shape of a wedge of cheese.
Kirk....: This is damn peculiar - Chekov, red alert, raise shields. I don't
want to be caught out like last time in Star Trek II.
Chekov..: [at helm] Yes, ve all know what happened then.
Kirk....: Ok, ok, so I made a mistake. Let's just forget about it!
Uhura...: Captain, the ship is responding to our hail.
Kirk....: On screen, please.

[A man in a black uniform with a helmet on starts to speak in a booming
voice.]

Vader...: This is Lord Vader of the Imperial Star Destroyers Vantoon and
Gandor - identify yourselves.
Kirk....: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We are
from the United Federation Of Planets. We come in peace, we er...
seem to be lost.
Vader...: I do not recognise any United Federation Of Planets. We are
commandeering your ship - you will not resist us, or you will die.
Kirk....: Let's not get too hasty now - can't we negotiate?
Vader...: Surrender your ship and prepare to be boarded, rebels.
Kirk....: Rebels? I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Vader...: Then prepare to feel the power of the force.
Kirk....: The what?

[Suddenly Kirk feels like someone is strangling him. He begins to choke and
falls back onto his seat.]

Kirk....: *cough* *choke* *gasp* Chekov...fire *choke* phasers

[Phaser fire flys from the Enterprise and slams into the side of the Gandor.
On board the Imperial ship...]

Falton..: Lord Vader, the Gandor's deflector shields have sustained 32%
damage!
Vader...: What! Return fire Commander Falton.

[The Vantoon fires and particle beams hit the Enterprise's saucer section.
On board the Enterprise, Kirk is able to breathe properly.]

Kirk....: What did he do?
Spock...: I suspect that he has some form of telekinetic ability.
Kirk....: [smiling weakly] Just like the good old days, hey Spock?
Spock...: Indeed, Captain.
Kirk....: What's our shield status?
Spock...: Only 8% damage to shields, Captain. They use a form of particle
beams which are inferior to our phasers. I have analyzed their
ships and have managed to ascertain that they use two forms of
energy. One is a powerful ion drive, and the other is a form of
hyper-space.
Kirk....: Hyper-space? Is that possible?
Spock...: Theoretically, yes, by mixing enough matter with kinetic energy,
but it proved too complicated for our scientists, and was
abandoned in favour of warp technology in the 21st century.

[The Enterprise is hit by the Gandor this time.]

Kirk....: This is getting damn annoying.
Chekov..: Shields down 15%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Chekov, I want maximum fire - I want their shields down, and I
want it down yesterday.
Chekov..: Aye, Keptin. Phasers locked!
Kirk....: Fire!

[The Gandor rocks under the Enterprise's phaser fire.]

Chekov..: Their Gandor's shields are down, Keptin!... The Vantoon is firing
again.

[The Enterprise is hit.]

Chekov..: Shields down 22%, Keptin.
Kirk....: Battle speed - fire!

[The Enterprise flies round the Gandor and fires - the Gandor's shields
collapse and the bridge blows up. A series of small explosions lead to a
large one - the ship explodes. Back on the Vantoon.]

Vader...: You have failed me Commander Falton.
Falton..: I'm... sorry, Lord Vader. *choke*
Vader...: It is for the last time, Commander.
Falton..: *gasp* *choke*
Vader...: Commander Oftel, you are in-charge now.
Oftel...: Y-Yes, Lord Vader.

[As Falton falls dead at Oftel's side, the Vantoon rocks under multiple
phaser fire from the Enterprise.]

Officer.: Commander Oftel - shields are at 46%! One more shot and... sir,
the Death Star is approaching.
Oftel...: Excellent. We will show these rebel scum the power of the mighty
Empire.

[Phaser fire rocks the Vantoon again.]

Spock...: The Gandor has been destroyed - the Vantoon is heavily damaged.
Its' shields are at 17%.
Kirk....: Uhura, signal the ship - tell them that I'm asking for their
surrender.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain. [starts signalling the ship.] This is the U.S.S.
Enterprise - we order you to surrender your vessel... respond
please.
Spock...: Captain, a new signal has entered long range sensors.
Kirk....: What is it?
Spock...: Sensors say a spherical ship over 6 miles in diameter. Heavily
armoured and with a very large ion cannon, with more than enough
power to obliterate a planet. It will be in firing range in 30
minutes.
Kirk....: That's not good news, Spock. Scotty...

[Down in engineering Scotty, who is adjusting and phaser couplings, grumbles
and touches a key on the nearby comm panel.]

Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk....: Scotty, I need you to re-design the phasers to give us enough
power to destroy a heavily armoured ship about 6 miles in
diameter.
Scotty..: But Cap'n, ye' know that's nay enough time - it'll take 2 weeks to
figure out the circuits and matrix for it. An' we'll have to use
the main deflector dish.
Kirk....: I need it in 25 minutes or we're all dead.
Scotty..: In that case I can have it ready in 29 minutes.
Kirk....: You've got 27 minutes.
Scotty..: Throw in two weeks extra shore leave and you have a deal.
Kirk....: It's a deal then. Kirk out.

[The Enterprise shudders under fire from the Vantoon.]

Spock...: Shields at 70%.
Kirk....: Spock, start calculations for another slingshot, just in case.
Spock...: Captain. The ship has disappeared from long range sensors.
Kirk....: Hyper-space?
Spock...: A distinct possibility.
Kirk....: E.T.A.?
Spock...: Approximately 2 minutes 23.45745 seconds.
Kirk....: Great, just great. Scotty?

[Down in engineering.]

Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A slight change to plan. I need the phasers in 2 minutes.
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n, but it'll cost you an extra two weeks shore leave and
double pay for a month.
Kirk....: You got it.
Scotty..: Everything will be ready in just over a minute. Scott out. [aside]
little does he know fellow parody readers, I've been watching 20th
century episodes of Blue Peter, and here's the circuits I prepared
earlier made out of four cardboard toilet rolls, two baking trays,
two washing-up bottles and sticky-back tape. Just plug them into
the existing circuitry and... voila. Scott to bridge...
Kirk....: Kirk here.
Scotty..: All done, Cap'n.
Kirk....: A miracle, Scotty.
Scotty..: Aye, that it is, Cap'n, that it is...

[Back on the Vantoon.]

Oftel...: Lord Vader, the Death Star has come out of hyper-space.
Vader...: Excellent. Tell Governor Zolt to fire when ready.

[A quick scene change back to the bridge of the Enterprise.]

Spock...: Captain, the ship has appeared out of hyper-space. There is an
enormous energy build-up. It is getting ready to fire.
Kirk....: Chekov, channel all power to the main deflector dish and lock onto
that ship. As soon as you've fired, I want warp 9.8 to a distance
of 1 million miles away from this point away from the explosion.
Chekov..: All ready, Keptin.
Kirk....: FIRE!

[An orange-blue-white beam races across space and slams straight into the
middle of the Death Star, and a moment later, comes straight out the other
side. The Enterprise goes into warp and vanishes into the distance just as
the Death Star explodes, taking the Vantoon with it.]

Kirk...: Well, that's that little episode dealt with. Spock, are we ready
for that slingshot again?
Spock..: All systems fully functional, Captain.
Kirk...: Chekov, warp 10!

[The Enterprise warps off around the nearest star, hopefully to their
correct destination, but I doubt it...]

-=> ACT 4 < =-

Kirk....: Spock?
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain. Checking co-ordinates now...
Kirk....: Well...?
Spock...: If I were human, I'd say... do you want the good news or the bad
news?
Kirk....: Give me the good news.
Spock...: The good news is, we are in the correct star system.
Kirk....: Then what's the bad news?
Spock...: Wrong time period again.
McCoy...: Spock, are you sure you're fully recovered from the mind-meld with
me back in Star Trek III? It's not like you to make mistakes.
Spock...: I am perfectly aware of the difficulties of slingshot calculations
Doctor, however, there have been nothing wrong with my
calculations at all.

[The turbolift doors opens and Scotty steps out.]

Scotty..: Cap'n, my poor wee bairns are being stretched too far. The
dilithium crystals canna' take much more.
Kirk....: Well, unless the computers are malfunctioning somehow, I can't see
why we keep ending up in the wrong place. Scotty, check Spock's
console - maybe there's a fault in it.
Scotty..: Ok, Cap'n, but I can tell you now, ever since they installed the
new Intel trans-dimensional molecular crystal chips in that thing
back in Starbase 29, things have been slightly "off". If you ask
me, and you haven't, these new chips haven't even been field-
tested - they're a bit of a orange.
Spock...: I believe the correct term is "lemon", Mr. Scott.
Scotty..: Apples, bananas, what's the difference? Who cares? I'll just
replace them with the older molecular chips - I have a few spare
back in engineering.
Spock...: Captain, something's just appeared in long range sensors - a small
oval-shaped object about .651231 meters tall, and .45234 meters
wide. Sensors register an unidentified life-form.
Kirk....: Is it dangerous?
Spock...: No weapons detected of any sort.
Kirk....: Uhura, call transporter room 1 and have them beam the object into
science lab 1 for analysis, then call Doctor McCoy and a security
team to meet me there.
Uhura...: Aye, Captain.
Kirk....: Spock, come with me. Mr. Chekov, you have the conn.

[Later, down in Science Lab 1.]

McCoy...: Well Jim, put basically, as far as I can tell there is a small
10-legged creature with a long 50cm tail inside. It has potent
sulphuric acid for blood and it's still alive.
Kirk....: Is it intelligent?
McCoy...: I don't know.
Kirk....: Should we open it?
McCoy...: I don't think we have to.
Kirk....: Why?
McCoy...: It's opening itself - look!

[The top of the egg opens. Kirk moves forward...]

Spock...: I suggest caution, Captain.
Kirk....: Good idea, Spock. Security, set phasers on kill, shoot only if
necessary. [To alien] We come in peace!

[The alien suddenly bursts from its egg and jumps onto one of the security
officers.]

Kirk....: Don't shoot, it's on Lt. Expend'able. [Ed: I'll give you readers
one guess what's going to happen to a security officer with a name
like this - and it's not good news :-) ]

[Lt. Expend'able falls onto the floor unconscious.]

Kirk....: Bones, can you help him?
McCoy...: I'm a doctor, not a... oh, sorry!

[McCoy rushes forward with his hand-scanner.]

McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Oh, sorry - wrong page. I get so used to saying
that! Now where was I? Ah, yes. He's alive, Jim... barely. We'd
better get him to sick-bay quick.

[A quick scene change. 8 hours later in sick-bay...]

Kirk....: Bones, how's the patient?
McCoy...: Not too good. As far as I can tell, the creature has implanted an
embryo into the Lt. Expend'able's body. I daren't operate as I
don't know what will happen - in all likelihood, he'll die.

[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]

Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!
McCoy...: Pulaski? That name sounds familiar.
Kirk....: Didn't you deliver her sister-in-law's baby boy a couple of years
back? You met him again a few weeks ago. You know, the kid who
said that when he's a dad, he's going to call his son after you,
and his daughter Katherine. Funny name to call his son though. I
mean, "After You" is hardly a name, is it?
McCoy...: Very funny, Jim. Actually, I remember now. I delivered two baby
boys that night. One was Nurse Pulaski's sister-in-law's child,
and the other was Nurse Crusher's child. I met both kids 3 weeks
ago. What was Crusher kid's name...? John, I think. Yes, he said
that he was going to marry too and call his daughter Beverly. I
wonder if it'll all happen? BUT, this is all irrelevant to the
plot - the writer's only put this into the parody to fill up space
and link us all together somehow. Dumb idea if you ask me!
Edwin...: Hey, I heard that!
De.Kelly: So what - it's not like I'm getting paid to do this!
Edwin...: I'm the one using up my precious time doing this. You're not even
real!
De.Kelly: Oh yeah, well I don't have to take this. You can't do anything! I
have an agent!
Edwin...: Look, I'm in-charge. I can have you killed off in an instant!
De.Kelly: You can't do that, it's against Paramount's rules - no deaths of
any major character.
Edwin...: But you forget, this isn't going to Paramount, AND it's a parody -
anything can happen in a parody. I can kill off and bring back to
life anybody! I decide what happens! It's like being God!
De.Kelly: Listen you, I've just about had it with parodies. You know where
you can put your parodies...
Edwin...: Right, that's it...

[Suddenly there is an explosion and the ship rocks. McCoy falls and smashes
his head on a table. He falls onto the floor, his neck broken.]

Shatner.: Oh my lord, what have you done?
Edwin...: I've killed him.
Shatner.: But how can we go on without him?
Edwin...: Don't worry, it's just to prove a point - I'll just turn back time
to the point when Christine Chapel comes in, and we can start
again, ok?
Shatner.: Ok.
Edwin...: Right, now to bring Bones to life... get it? Bones to life? Ok
then - bad joke, forget it. You ok now De?
De.Kelly: Yeah, sorry.
Edwin...: Yeah, I'm sorry too - all's forgiven. Back to the plot...

[Dr. Chapel bursts in.]

Chapel..: Doctor McCoy!
McCoy...: What is it, Doctor Chapel.
Chapel..: Nurse Pulaski said the creature's gone!

[They all dash to Lt. Expend'able's bed.]

Kirk....: Where's the creature?
Pulaski.: *SCREAMS* AAARRRGGGHHH! [Points at floor before grabbing Kirk and
holding him very close and tight to her body.]
Kirk....: There, there. It's ok. I've got you now. You're safe with me. Why
don't you meet me in my quarters at 2000 hours and we'll talk all
about it?
Pulaski.: Oh Jim, I feel safer already. I'll just go and get changed into
something more sexier... I mean more comfortable. See you later.

[Pulaski smiles before dashing off.]

Kirk....: Nice lady...
McCoy...: What is it with you! Didn't you learn anything with that Martia
creature?
Kirk....: Sorry Bones, I can't help it. How's the creature?
McCoy...: It's dead, Jim! Lt. Expend'able is ok, but I'm worried about the
embryo in him. Lieutenant, are you ok?
Lt.Expend'able: I'm feeling ok. Can I have a bite to eat?
McCoy...: Well I'm not too sure until we have more test results on what's
inside you.
Lt.Expend'able: But I'm starving.
McCoy...: Ok - try this Saurian Brandy. It's my own special concoction...

[The lieutenant takes a glass, swallows and coughs.]

McCoy...: ...I added some Kentucky Bourbon.

[The lieutenant coughs more - violently this time. He clutches his stomach.]

McCoy...: Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it?
Kirk....: Something's wrong, Bones!
McCoy...: Yeah, maybe I should have used Scotch like Scotty advised.
Kirk....: I mean with the lieutenant!
McCoy...: Oh right!

[Suddenly a bump appears from the lieutenant's chest - there is a crunch and
blood comes pouring out. A crack and the ex-lieutenant's chest bursts open!
A small two-legged creature pops out and runs off.]

Kirk....: Fire phasers!

[Everyone who is carrying a phaser draws and fires in the creature's
direction. Patients dive for cover as phaser fire goes everywhere. Moments
later...]

Kirk....: Hold fire! Where's the creature?
McCoy...: I think you missed. You just about managed to disintegrate half my
sick-bay though.
Kirk....: Sorry, Bones.
Chekov..: Bridge to sickbay. Keptin, vhat happened?
Kirk....: Chekov, I want you to turn this ship inside out - there is a small
6 inch, 2-legged creature running around and it must be killed...
I mean captured if possible. Kirk out. Bones, you'd better stay
and sort out this mess. I'm going bug-hunting. [Kirk sets his
phaser for maximum disintegrate.]

[Hours later, another scene change to 2 security officers searching a
Jeffries tube...]

Security Officer 1: Hey, it's a bit slimy up here.
Security Officer 2: Better note it down. You know how Scotty hates unclean
Jeffries tubes.
Security Officer 1: Yeuck, there's a piece of skin here too - looks like
it's from the creature the Captain was telling us about.
Security Officer 2: Ok, put it in this plastic bag and I'll take it to...
Security Officer 1: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! HELPPPPP!!!
Security Officer 2: What the... Security to Jeffries tube 4, this is an
emergency! The creature, it's... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[Minutes pass... finally Kirk runs around the corner to find Bones and Spock
already there, looking at a big mess...]

Kirk....: What happened here?
McCoy...: Well, considering that all I can find amongst this blood plastered
all over the corridor are these few limbs, I'd have to say that
it's bad news only.
Kirk....: You mean that they're badly injured?
McCoy...: It's worse than that - they're dead, Jim!
Chekov..: This is werrry bad news.
Spock...: The only possible option now Captain is to kill the creature.
Kirk....: Maybe this creature is like the Horta - just protecting something.
A child perhaps?
McCoy...: Not possible, Jim. Tests showed that it's a male, only basic
animal intelligence - it probably works on instinct.
Kirk....: So talking's out.
McCoy...: Jim, if you... if any starship captain tried to negotiate with
that creature, he'd be dead! Who do you think you are? Jean-Luc
Picard?

[The comm. unit comes on.]

Scotty..: Cap'n, there's this slimy sludge all over my warp engines. What in
darnations been going on down here whilst I've been on lunch?
Kirk....: Sludge? SCOTTY, GET OUT OF THERE!
Scotty..: I'm not going anyway until this mess has been cleaned up.
Kirk....: Scotty, the alien's down there!
Scotty..: Well I'm not going to let any alien slime all over my poor wee
bairns. Scott out.
Kirk....: Damn. Security to the engine room, immediately.

[Down in engineering.]

Kirk....: Scotty, are you down here?
Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n. I canna find the damn beastie anyway. Look at the mess
he made. It'll take a week before she'll be looking like the lady
she is. When I get my hands on that beastie...
Kirk....: Calm down, Scotty. Security is searching this ship from bow to
stern. The alien's not going to hide from us.
Scotty..: I know that.
Kirk....: How come?
Scotty..: Cos' it's right behind you.
Kirk....: What the...

[Kirk turns around to see the alien getting closer. He dives for cover and
pulls out his phaser.]

Kirk....: Everyone duck!

[Everyone dives for cover as Kirk lets loose a volley of phaser fire. The
alien is blasted and disintegrates.]

Scotty..: Good shooting, Cap'n.
Kirk....: It was nothing.
Scotty..: No, I mean it, ye' still the best.
Kirk....: It was nothing, really.
Scotty..: Ok then.
Kirk....: Well, when I say it was nothing I mean...
Scotty..: Look, you said it was nothing, so forget it.
Kirk....: But...
Spock...: Captain, we're needed on the bridge - the new calculations for
time travel have been worked out.

[On the bridge.]

Kirk....: All hands prepare for time travel. Mr. Chekov, warp speed!

-=> ACT 5 : THE FINAL ACT < =-

Kirk....: Spock.
Spock...: Just one damn minute, Captain... we seem to be in the correct star
system. Yes, the computers have just confirmed my calculations. We
are entering the Terran system now... but...
Kirk....: But what?
Spock...: We are some 5 years too late. I have been downloading the relevant
Starfleet records, and According to them, the Enterprise-D has
been in service for the past 5 years!

[Spock's sensors start to bleep.]

Spock...: And one of their starships have already found us!
Kirk....: Who is it?
Spock...: The ship identifies itself as the Enterprise!
Kirk....: On screen.

[The view-screen changes image to show a bald man on screen. However, all
Kirk sees is a lovely attractive young lady sitting on the far right of the
screen with the loveliest... *CENSORED*]

Kirk....: [To Deanna] Hello there, are you by any chance the Captain of this
fine vessel?

[Behind him, McCoy hands out the sick-bags to the bridge crew. Scotty enters
the bridge.]

Deanna..: [Blushing] Oh, aren't you Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: That's Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Deanna..: Oh forgive me.
Kirk....: That's ok, how about you beaming over and we can have ...... I
mean talk about your ship? Say my quarters at 2000 hours.
Deanna..: Well, it's not really my ship you see.
Kirk....: Oh, I was sure a lady with your intelligence and talent would be
in command of a starship.
Deanna..: [Blushing even more] That's so kind of you, but he's the Captain.
[pointing to Picard]
Kirk....: Oh - [to Picard] who are you?
Picard..: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
[pointing to various crew-members] This is my first officer,
Commander Riker.
Riker...: Your sexual prowess proceeds you, Captain Kirk.
Kirk....: Well, maybe you could do with a few tips.
Picard..: Ensign Ro Laren at helm.
Kirk....: Why hello Ensign Laren.
Ro......: That's Ensign Ro! Laren is my first name!
Kirk....: I'm sorry. How abouts you beaming over later on and I can apologise
in person, say my quarters at 2100 hours?
Ro......: Well sure...
Picard..: [looking at Ro disapprovingly] Lt. Commander Data at Ops...
Kirk....: A robot!
Data....: Actually Captain, I'm an android.
Kirk....: Android? I don't like androids. They give me the creeps.
Picard..: Ensign Wesley Crusher at science station 1...
Everyone: WESLEY!
Wesley..: Hello Captain Picard!
Riker...: I'll handle this Captain. What the hell are you doing here Ensign
Crusher?
Wesley..: I was assigned to this ship - I passed all my exams and as I got
100% in all my exams, they assigned me back here a year early.
Riker...: Damn! Captain, you said that if we promoted him to Ensign, we'd
never have to see him ever again!
Picard..: I under-estimated his mother, Number One. I didn't think she could
get him back aboard so quickly. Besides, she threatened to stop
having ..... I mean breakfast with me every morning.
Riker...: I see.
Picard..: Behind me is our Chief of Security and comms. officer, Lt. Worf.
Chekov..: A Klingon!
Kirk....: Ready phasers! It's a trap.
Picard..: No, they're our friends now. You fixed that didn't you?
Kirk....: So I did [aside] the biggest mistake of my life!
Worf....: Grrrr.
Picard..: Down boy. SIT!
Picard..: You've met our ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi, but what are you
doing here, Captain Kirk?
Kirk....: Well, I'm here to stop your Enterprise from being built, but it
looks like I'm too late for that, unfortunately.
Picard..: My Enterprise?
Scotty..: Enterprise - HA! That's a starship? You goons couldn'a recognise a
decent starship if it was pink and had white spots all over it. An'
I thought the Excelsior was bad!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a cream puff] Why you...
Picard..: Not now, Number One!
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: Shut up, Riker.
Riker...: But...
Kirk....: I can prove that my ship is better than yours.
Picard..: How?
Kirk....: Let's race for it. Winner keeps the other ship to do with as he
pleases.
Picard..: No.
Kirk....: What's the matter? Scared you'll lose?
Picard..: No, it's not that. My ship's better than yours - we won't lose!
Kirk....: So you're chicken?

[Scotty starts making various clucking noises.]

Picard..: That's it, you have a deal. No-one calls a Frenchman chicken and
gets away with it!
Riker...: [stuffing his face with a triple-choc. cake] But sir...
Picard..: Shut up, Riker. Just name the time and place.
Kirk....: Sigma-Delta-1 to Sigma-Delta-15 and back - we meet at Sigma-Delta 1
at 0000 hours tomorrow.
Picard..: It's a deal! Picard out!

[Back on the Enterprise-A]

Chekov..: Keptin, can ve vin against it?
Kirk....: Of course. Scotty, I want you to fine-tune the engines to 110%
efficiency. I want all the power you can muster.
Scotty..: I'll give ye' 120% - we'll beat that excuse for a starship, even if
I have to get out an' push.
Kirk....: I hope it won't have to come to that. Chekov, plot a course to
Sigma-Delta-1, warp 7.

[12 hours later...]

Kirk....: 0000 hours - where's that duck?
Spock...: Sensors show a ship coming along side us - it's the Enterprise-D.

[On The Ent-D.]

Picard..: Worf, open a channel to the Enterprise-A. Captain Kirk, are you...
Worf....: Channel open, sir.
Picard..: [aside] he did it to me again! [To Kirk] Captain Kirk, are you sure
you want to do this - you can still back out, after all, you might
as well face the fact that you're going to lose. Chief Engineer
LaForge is the best in Starfleet.
Kirk....: Don't worry about us - we'll be ok. You can still pull out, of
course. Your ship might not be able to cope. Kirk out.
Picard..: Why you...
Riker...: 10 seconds before we start.
Picard..: Engine room. Ready for maximum warp.
Data....: 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... now!
Picard..: ENGAGE!

[In an instant, both Enterprises warp off into the distance. The Enterprise-D
pulls away from Enterprise-A. On both ships...]

Picard..: Ha! That'll show him!
Riker...: Well done, sir.
Picard..: Shut up, Riker.

Kirk....: Damn - Scotty, what's happening down there? We're losing!
Scotty..: Sair, my poor wee bairns canna take much more - we're pushing warp
9.5 already!
Kirk....: I want warp 9.9 now.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Varp 9.7... 9.8... 9.9!

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is now at warp 9.9 and will overtake us in
3 seconds.
Picard..: What! Engine room, I want warp 9.95 now!
LaForge.: I wouldn't recommend it, Captain.
Picard..: No arguments, Commander.
LaForge.: Yes, sir.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Data....: Now at warp 9.9... 9.94... 9.95.

Spock...: Captain, the Enterprise-D is at warp 9.95.
Kirk....: This isn't good - Scotty, I want warp 9.99!
Scotty..: Sair! Surely ye canna be serious!
Kirk....: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.
Chekov..: Warp 9.93... 9.95... 9.97.. 9.98... 9.99!

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99!
Picard..: That's not possible for a starship! We need warp 10!
Data....: Sir, that is impossible.
Picard..: I don't care, I'm not going to let any ship outrun my ship.
Wesley..: Captain Picard.
Picard..: Shut up, Wesley!
Wesley..: But, sir!
Everyone: SHUT UP, WESLEY!
Wesley..: Look, I'm an ensign now, you have to listen to me!
Troi....: He has a point, Captain.
Picard..: Damn. Ok then, but make it quick Ensign.
Welsey..: I can increase this ship's engine power by 100%
Data....: Hoe are you going to achieve that?
Wesley..: Well, by re-routing half the engine's circuitry and...
Picard..: Ensign Crusher, report to the engine room at once!
Wesley..: Yes, sir.

[As Wesley leaves the bridge, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But down in
engineering...]

Wesley..: Hello Geordi.
LaForge.: What are you doing down here?
Wesley..: I'm here to help you.
LaForge.: Who said so? This is my engine room - go and re-build someone
else's!
Wesley..: Captain Picard sent me down here.
LaForge.: Well, ok then, but be careful!
Welsey..: [smiling] Great - now to extract the trans-dimensional isolinear
micro-circuits...
LaForge.: [cringing] My poor baby...

[Meanwhile both Enterprises have reached Sigma-Delta-15 and are swinging
around it.]

Kirk....: Status.
Spock...: We are neck and neck.
Kirk....: Scotty, we need more speed.
Scotty..: Sair, I canna give you any more - it's nay possible.
Kirk....: Yes it is Scotty. I want you to use all available energy for the
engines, including life support - keep it at a minimum for us.
Scotty..: Aye, sair.

Data....: Sir, the Enterprise-A is at warp 9.99NNN j
Picard..: Engine room, how's Ensign Crusher doing?
LaForge.: Captain, he's just about done. If what he says is true, we should
reach warp 18!
Wesley..: Ready now sir!
Picard..: Mr. Data, engage!

[The Enterprise-D shoots off into the distance leaving poor old Enterprise-A
trailing in it's wake.]

Kirk....: Spock, what happened?
Spock...: Unknown sir. Apparently the Enterprise-D has a few tricks up it's
sleeve.
Kirk....: That does it! Scotty?
Scotty..: Aye, sair?
Kirk....: If we tie the Quantum accelerator to the dilithium chamber and
connect the silly-plotus-computus with the new Motorola 68,050,000
chip will we get to warp 50?
Scotty..: No, but if we press this green button I recently installed into
Chekov's console...
Chekov..: That button wasn't there a moment ago.
Scotty..: Of course not, the writer decided to add it in only just now.
Chekov..: Vhat does it do?
Scotty..: Well let me check the script... ah! It'll let us go as fast as we
want to.
Chekov..: Incrwedible!
Scotty..: Well we'd better get on with it!
Kirk....: Chekov... press that button!

[The Enterprise-A suddenly zooms off and leaves a massive trial of rainbow-
colours behind it. On Enterprise-D....]

Data....: Sir, something is coming up right behind us.
Picard..: Wha...

[Suddenly something screams straight pass the Enterprise-D, honking it's
horn. The Enterprise-D shudders in it's wake.]

Troi....: I feel great satisfaction...
Picard..: I'm sorry???
Troi....: I mean great joy, happiness, comfort.. err... where's my thesaurus?
Picard..: Data, identify that ship...
Data....: It was the Enterprise-A. I'm afraid it has just beaten us. Sensors
say it has just entered Sigma-Delta-1's orbit!
Picard..: Damn! Damn! Damn!

[Much later on, Picard hands over the keys to the Enterprise to Kirk.]

Kirk....: Thanks.
Picard..: So what are you going to do with my ship?
Kirk....: Isn't it obvious? I've place anti-matter pods all around your ship.
She'll blow in 15 seconds and we'll be rid of that ugly ship once
and for all.
Riker...: They won't do it, Captain. They wouldn't dare.
Kirk....: Scotty, beam everyone down now.

[Everyone is beamed onto the nearby planet. As Picard and co. stare, the
Enterprise-D blows up.]

Riker...: They did it - the ship's gone!
Picard..: [smiling] Look on the bright side, Number One.
Riker...: What's that, sir?
Picard..: Ensign Crusher was still on that ship when it blew. I set up a
force field in his room.
Riker...: [breaks out in a wide grin] Excellent manoeuvre, sir, excellent
manoeuvre....
Beverly.: Why you! Wesley *sob* my poor baby *sob*
Welsey..: Captain Picard! Mom!
Everyone: WESLEY!
Welsey..: Somehow I got trapped in a force field, but I'd set up a personal
site-to-site transporter beforehand, just in case.
Picard..: Damn, damn, DAMN!
Riker...: Better luck next time, sir. Still, it was worth a try.
Kirk....: Beam me up, Scotty!

-=> EPILOGUE <=-

[The bridge doors open.]

SHEEEEESH.

Kirk….: Once again we’ve saved civilisation as we know it. Spock, prepare
for time travel – we’re going home. Mr. Chekov, warp 10!

[The Enterprise warps around the nearest star. Moments later...]

Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: We’ve reached our own time successfully, Captain.
Uhura…: Sir, message coming in from Starfleet Command – they want to know
where we’ve been for the past few days. They’re ordering us to take
the Enterprise back right now for decommissioning.
Chekov..: So, this is goodbye?
Uhura…: We’ve been dead before.

Spock…: If I were human, I believe my response would be… you can take
your order and shove it up your *$%*(^%… if I were human.

[Everyone gasps!]

McCoy…: Spock! I can’t believe what you just said!
Spock…: Believe your ears Doctor. I was just employing one of many
colourful metaphors I learned whilst in the 20th century.
Scotty..: Captain, we could…
Kirk….: Slingshot round the nearest star and never come back?
Scotty..: Just a thought, Captain.

[Kirk thinks for a moment, and then a smile appears on his face.]

Kirk….: Spock?
Spock…: The computer has been programmed to pick a random century.
Kirk….: Chekov, 2nd star to the right and prepare for time travel.
Chekov..: Ready, Keptin.
Kirk….: Warp 10… engage.

[The Enterprise warps off round a star and vanishes moments later. Where to,
only the Enterprise and her crew will soon know, and wherever they've gone, I
know we will all wish them safe and prosperous voyages.]

“Captain’s final, final log: This ship and her history will NOT shortly
become the care of a new generation as we have it – she’s all ours! HA! HA!
HA! Gibber, gibber, slob…

Er, Captain?
Yes, Spock?
Are you… feeling ok?
Hmmm… yes, Spock. Just slipped up for a second back there.
Indeed, Captain…
Now where was I? Ah yes…

WE will continue the journeys WE began over 25 years ago, exploring space,
the final frontier, continuing the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life forms and new
civilisations, journeying to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going
where no-one has gone… before…..

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES…..

THE END?


10. (Troi) I sense… indigestion.

9. (Picard) Don’t order the fajitas, Number One, they’ll go through you at warp nine.

8. (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free “Little Orphan Annie” cup with any taco salad purchase, and I’m not leaving here till I get one!

7. (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!

6. (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 27 percent.

5. (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.

4. (Picard) You’re on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert.

3. (Riker) What do you mean you don’t serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican restaurant is this?

2. (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.

1. (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, you’d better not queef on my chair!

STARDATE 45173.6 means it is the twenty 4th century, the 5th season, the 1st
month of production in that season, the 7th day of that month, the 3rd hour,
and 6th minute, when that segment was filmed…sometimes for continuity, the
last 2 digits are just made up.

10. He doesn’t know how.
9. He doesn’t want to succumb to crew pressure.
8. He doesn’t wnat to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
7. He doesn’t want to use the same effects as the old show.
6. Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
5. It saves energy.
4. He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
3. He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
2. The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
1. What would his mother say?

From the USS Excelsior BBS.

Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation

“Where No Sane Man Would Go”

Captain’s Log, Stardate 32768.0:

After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that something interesting will happen. On another note, I must admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates I am required to quote. They remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard: Stop smirking, number one.

Riker: I wasn’t aware that I was, sir.

Picard: You do, Riker. All the time. And stop leaning against things with your head hunched down between your shoulders.

Riker: [Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir.

[Tweedlesquirge]

Data: Captain, ship’s sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at extreme range.

Picard: Analysis?

Data: It’s too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.

Picard: Then how do you know it’s a derelict?

Data: I do not know, sir. I would speculate that it is a writer’s error.

Picard: Obviously. Well, let’s rubber band our way over there and have a look at it. Geordi, set course.

Geordi: Aye, sir. Three two two point eight nine mark four three… seven… and some other meaningful numbers.

Picard: Engage.

[Purrdlefreezowp]

EXTERNAL SHOT:

[fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!!]

BRIDGE:

Data: Approaching derelict craft.

Picard: Scan it, Mr. Data.

[Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp]

Data: It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century.

Picard: [Muttering] Not again….

Data: It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent function.

Riker: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Troi: Hey! That’s MY line!

Riker: Well, you dropped your cue….

Picard: I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.

Data: Awwww…

Picard: Riker, put together an away team.

Riker: Aye, sir. Geordi, Worf; come with me. [Shouting at ceiling] Lieutenant Tsu to the bridge.

Ceiling: OH, GOODIE!

Picard: And don’t bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there.

Riker: Of course, sir.

——–

[Fade. Opening credits. Commercial for Ginsu Knives and a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having gingivitis.]

——–

Captain’s Log, Stardate 32768.5:

We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer. Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate. While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes, I nonetheless feel that this is going to be very unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS. STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR. THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE.

[FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! The away team appears.]

Riker: [Tapping communicator] Down and safe.

Worf: Uh, wrong series, sir.

Riker: Ooops…

Picard: Good, number one. Keep the channel open and continue

to report.

Riker: Aye, sir.

Picard: And don’t smirk.

Riker: Yes, sir.

Geordi: Sir, this doesn’t make any sense. This is an ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open space. It should shatter under the pressure.

Riker: That’s nothing compared to what I think we’re going to find.

Worf: OOoooo. Foreshadowing.

Geordi: [Looking through a disc of plexiglas] Now, *this* is interesting…

Picard: Describe what you see, Geordi.

Geordi: I see… Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary…

Riker: Come on, Worf. Let’s go downstairs.

[Riker and Worf go downstairs.]

Riker: Well, here we are downstairs.

Worf: It appears to be the crew’s quarters.

[Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunk beds, with a human female in each.]

Riker: Hey! Lookit what I found!

Picard: What have you found, Number One?

Riker: No, I found two females. They appear to be in some sort of coma.

[Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males.]

Worf: Two more humans over here, sir. They also appear to be comatose.

[Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man.]

Worf: Still more over here, also dead to the universe.

Picard: Let’s hope they stay that way.

[Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start.]

O.M: AAGGGHHH!!!! Oh, good heavens! Who are you?? What do you want??

Riker: No such luck, sir.

Picard: Oh, pooh…

O.M: [Pointing at Worf, cowering] What are *you*??

Worf: I am a Klingon.

O.M: [Cowering] Oh, how very apt.

[As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of their coma.]

Man 1: Who are you? What are doing on my ship?

Woman 1: Who are they?

Man 1: I don’t know.

Worf: I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.

Riker: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Geordi….

Geordi: …Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and…

Riker: Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!

Geordi: … er, yes, sir!

Man 1: Who are you?

Riker: I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf.

Man 1: Where do you come from? How did you get aboard?

Riker: We’re from the Starship Enterprise.

Man 1: Never heard of it.

[Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks. Geordi enters from the rear of the room.]

Riker: We’re from Starfleet Command.

[No response.]

Riker: The United Federation of Planets.

[Still no response.]

Riker: Earth, you dullards!

Man 1: Oh! Sorry. We’ve been out of touch for a while.

Riker: And you are…

Man 1: My name is Robinson. This is my wife, whose name I can’t seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can’t seem to remember; my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.

O.M: [Sheepishly] Hello…

Robinson: And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.

Smith: How do you do, sir. I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth. I fear my powers of perception are failing me.

[A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator.]

Voice: Disturbance! Disturbance! I will render assistance.

Robnsn: And that is our robot.

Picard: Riker! What’s going on???

Riker: We’ve encountered six humans and a robot. They seem ordinary enough, though they haven’t heard of the Federation.

Data: I recommend we beam them over, sir.

Picard: You would.

Geordi: I concur with Data, sir. That plate glass window is going to go at… *Any Moment!*

Picard: Oh, very well. But keep them out of my way.

Tsu: [Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think you do] I’m here, sir.

Picard: Good. Take Geordi’s station.

Riker: Transporter room!

Xport: Sir.

Picard: Nine people and a robot to beam over.

Xport: Ready to beam you over, sir.

Riker: Engage.

Xport: You mean “energize”.

Riker: Oh, yeah. Right.

Xport: … Well?

Riker: ENERGIZE!!!!!!

[FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh!]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY. THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH. THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING. PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI. THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD.

McCoy: Dammit, Picard. What do you think you’re doing throwing these peoples’ molecules all over creation?

Picard: Admiral McCoy! What are you doing here?

McCoy: Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway?

Picard: She wasn’t cute enough.

McCoy: You *must* be kidding!

Troi: Captain…

Picard: Yes, counselor.

Troi: I’m sensing great stupidity.

Picard: Who from?

Troi: Everyone.

McCoy: That’s unsurprising. I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it’s barely measurable, even all the way down to the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three Reagans apiece.

Troi: No, sir. It’s more than just the people we picked up from the ship. It’s much greater than that…

Ceiling: Captain, this is Ensign Tsu. The helm has just gone down. I can’t navigate the ship.

Picard: Go to manual control.

Ceiling: Sir, that trick never works.

Picard: Try it, anyway.

Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname. The fire sprinklers just went off down here, but we don’t know why. Everything’s getting wet. Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here…

Picard: Turn them *off*, engineer.

Ceiling: We can’t, sir. The faucet handle broke off in my hand.

Picard: [Rhetorically] What is going on????

Ceiling: Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.

Picard: \

Data: \

Riker: \

McCoy: > Shut up, Wesley!

Geordi: /

Worf: /

Troi: /

Ceiling: But sir! Holodeck two just turned itself inside out. And it’s not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

[Picard dons a look of amazement and panic.]

Ceiling: …Though it is kinda neat.

——–

[Fade to black. A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar. Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese excuse for a Jeep.]

——–

Captain’s Log, Supplemental:

I’ve given up on stardates. It’s probably meaningless, anyway. My ship is in total chaos. Utterly impossible things are happening all over the ship, seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, or even common sense, the holodeck notwithstanding. It’s like a nightmare.

Picard: Riker, you’re smirking again.

Riker: Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.

Picard: I find nothing amusing about it. You can’t run a starship with chaos running rampant. I didn’t get where I am today by letting chaos run rampant.

Leonard Rossiter: Of course not, C.J.

Riker: Where did he come from?

Data: I believe it is a reference to a old British entertainment series.

Picard: Good God! Everyone’s being infected. Even me!

Ceiling: Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat. The toilets have just backed up into the warp drive. It’ll take time to clear.

Picard: WHAT!!?????

Ceiling: In the meantime, we have… *No Power!*

Picard: [Rhetorically] This is unbelievable.

Ceiling: And the fire sprinklers are still running. We’re working on it.

[Pshhhhhh. The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin and a rather dilapidated tabby cat.]

Penguin: [Approaching Picard] How do you do. I’m Mr. P. Opus.

George Bush is a wimp. I’d like you to meet my running mate, Bill the Cat.

Bill: Ack! Phft!!

[Pshhhhhh. Wesley enters from the other turbolift.]

Wesley: Sorry, sir. They got loose from the holodeck. It’s going absolutely berserk. Tasha even walked out and handed me an old pulp-paper publication entitled ’Playboy’.

Data: Is she still there?

Wesley: Dunno. Why don’t you go look?

[Data gets up to leave.]

Picard: AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!

Data: But sir…

[Pshhhhhhh. The Robot enters.]

Robot: [Flailing arms] DANGER! DANGER! WARNING! DANGER! WARNING WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

Picard: Why are you yelling that?

Robot: I don’t know. It seems appropriate somehow.

[PFFT! The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and quite boorish man.]

Viewer: TV… or MTV? [PFFT! Same thing, only female this time.] TV… or MTV?

Picard: [In a perfect Graham Chapman twang] WHAT IS GOING ON!!?????

Data: We appear to be intercepting some old Earth transmissions, sir.

[Pshhhhh. Will Robinson enters.]

Robot: DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Will: What is it, Robot?

Robot: Unknown intelligence nearby. Danger!

[Pshhhhhh. Dr. Smith enters. Picard is fuming.]

Smith: There you are, you bubble-headed booby! I have chores for you.

Robot: DANGER! DANGER!

[Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack.]

Smith: That’ll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!

Picard: [Smoke pouring out of his ears] EVERYONE GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!

Riker: Aye, sir.

Picard: NOT **YOU!!**

Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface. We’re up to our waists here with water from the fire sprinklers. Some of the waterproof components are starting to rust.

Smith: [At ceiling] You incompetent ninny! Where did you study engineering?

Ceiling: I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and…

Picard: OUT!!! OUT!!! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker: Yes sir.

Picard: NOT ****YOU!!!!****

[The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel. Picard sits down, ready to spit venom.]

Troi: I sense great frustration, sir.

Picard: No sh*t, Sherlock.

Troi: You mustn’t blame yourself, sir. You are not at fault. Some greater force is at work.

Picard: Shut up, Wesley.

Troi: Huh?

Picard: [At ceiling] Bridge to Medical Bay. Doctor…

Ceiling: This is the Medical Bay. All our lines are busy. Please hold; your call will be answered in the order it was received. [Muzak]

[Riker smirks.]

Picard: Computer!!!

Computer: Hi there! Whatever your problem, I’m here to help you solve it. All I want to do is to make your day more and more bearable.

[Picard is stunned rigid. He ambles in a daze over to his ready room.]

Door: [Pshhhhhh] Thank you for making a simple door very happy.

CUT TO PICARD’S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the tropical fish in it). PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY DUMBFOUNDED. RIKER ENTERS.

Door: [Pshhhhh] Glad to be of service.

Riker: Shut up. [To Picard] Sir, are you all right?

Picard: I’ve lost control.

Riker: Sir, I don’t know what’s going on.

Picard: So what else is new?

Riker: There’s no need to be abusive, sir.

Picard: It makes me feel better, Number One.

Riker: Sir, there has to be some external force at work. All this chaos couldn’t happen naturally. I mean, everyone’s acting so stupid…

[You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head.]

Picard: STUPID! That’s IT!! Counselor Troi mentioned something about stupidity just before all hell broke loose. Where is she?

Riker: Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar’s quarters to pick out a new costume for herself.

Picard: Let’s go. [They get up.]

Door: [Pshhhhh] Thank you so very much.

Picard: Stick it up your nose. [To Data] Data, come with me.

Tsu, you have the con.

Tsu: Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

[They enter the turbolift.]

Picard: Lieutenant Yar’s quarters.

Turbolift: I’m fine; how are you?

Picard: I said, Lieutenant Yar’s quarters.

Turbolift: I’m fine; how are you?

Picard: Now what!?

Data: Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.

Riker: Go for it.

Data: Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data. If you don’t take us to Yar’s quarters pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major databank with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget. Understand?

[Silence.]

Data: Okay. Get the axe.

[The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters.

Picard and Riker eye Data quizzically.]

Data: A literary reference, sir. Given the current situation, it seemed appropriate.

[The door opens, and they exit.]

CUT TO YAR’S STATEROOM. PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.

Picard: Counselor Troi! Where are you?

[Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar wore for Data.]

Troi: Hello, Umzadi.

Riker: Troi! Uh…

Troi: I sense great desire…

Picard: Good God! Troi’s been affected, too.

Data: Rather well, it would seem.

Riker: Sir, if you don’t mind…

Picard: Oh, go ahead. You’re no use to me, anyway. Go do something productive for a change.

Riker: Aye, sir. [Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with Troi. Picard and Data enter the hallway.]

Picard: Now what do we do?

Data: If I may recommend, sir. Since all the trouble began with the arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem prudent to question them.

Picard: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data. Let’s get some answers.

——–

[Fade to black. Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on people, followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial. K-Tel offers you every Top 10 hit ever made. Trained professionals demonstrate a Popiell Pocket Fisherman, since no normal human could use them; and a banana slug tries to sell you a used car.]

——–

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard: Right. I want some answers, and I want them now.

Will: Two plus two is four.

Mother: Be quiet, dear.

Will: Where’s Lassie, mom?

Mother: I left that series, dear.

Picard: Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.

Mr. Robinson: [To Data] Are you an android?

Data: [Getting upset] No! I’m an eggplant!! WHY DOES

EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT??? [Starts jumping up and down]

Picard: Data! Why are you getting upset?

Data: [Reverting instantly to his normal self] Getting upset is a human trait, and I do try to be more human…

Picard: Well, stop it. [To family] Now, I want some answers.

Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why.

Mr. Robinson: No idea.

Mother: Got me.

Penny: Duh…

Co-Pilot: Let me get back to you on that.

Robot: Danger! Unknown intelligence nearby!

Smith: Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!

Will: Captain? I’d like to help if I can.

Picard: Oh, great. Another boy genius. I should have signed onto a trawler or something.

Data: I would not discount the boy’s offer so quickly, Captain.

Picard: [Sighs] Oh, all right. Tell me how you got all the way out here.

Will: Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri. But our robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course. Since then, we’ve been Lost In Space…

[Stupid music starts up.]

Picard: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it!

[Music runs down.]

Picard: Please go on.

Will: Anyway, everywhere we went, we’d encounter strange aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying us. The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble.

Smith: [Indignant] Such gratitude! And after all the help I’ve rendered…

Picard: Shut up!! [To Will] So how long have you been out here?

Will: I don’t really know.

Picard: Couldn’t you ever find your way back to Earth?

Will: Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen, and we’d get lost again.

Picard: What would happen?

Will: Oh… It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a space walk for no reason, or…

Picard: STUPID! Are you sure?

Will: Oh, yeah. It was always something really dumb.

Picard: Thank you. You *have* been helpful. [To Data] Let’s go.

[Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall.]

Picard: What do you think, Data?

Data: Penny is cute…

Picard: No no no no!! What do you think of their story?

Data: I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation that is upon us now. However, I believe that whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us.

Picard: Speculation?

Data: I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds on stupidity.

Picard: What? You mean we’re reusing a plot device?

Data: It has been done before, sir. If you’ll recall in The Naked Now…

Picard: Yes, yes, I know…

Data: This situation seems far more amusing, however…

Picard: Never mind your editorial remarks, Data. How do you propose to eliminate this creature?

Data: To eliminate it, we must first locate it.

Picard: And how do we do that?

Data: Are you completely helpless or something?

Picard: *Humor* me!

Data: It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter of the stupid activity.

Picard: The holodeck?

Data: A good place to start, sir.

Comm button: Captain Picard? This is Chief Engineer Snidely P.

Whiplash. We’re up to our chests in it now…

Picard: Why don’t you just beam the water out?

Comm: Oh, no, sir. That’s far too obvious.

Picard: What are you doing about it?

Comm: I’ve got my best men working on it…

[In the background:]

Man 1: You numbskull!! [SLAP!]

Man 2: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Man 1: And you! [BONK!]

Man 2: Ow!

Man 3: Hey, leave him alone!

Man 1: Oh, a wise guy… [TOINK!]

Picard: Dear God. Should we set self-destruct?

Data: Inadvisable, sir. It would probably malfunction. I suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.

Delay could be fatal.

Picard: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Computer….

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: [Winces] Hi. Sound Red Alert.

Computer: Sure thing!

[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer: How’s that?

Picard: Wonderful. Thank you. [Glances heavenward. Taps comm. again] Worf!

Worf: Sir!

Picard: Meet us at holodeck two. And don’t take the turbolifts. Bring Geordi with you.

Worf: At once, sir.

Picard: Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?

Worf: Stupidity is too much like… *bathing!*

Picard: [Shakes head] Picard out. Let’s go, Data.

——–

[Fade to black. John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's. Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds."]

——–

PICARD AND DATA WALK THE HALLS OF THE ENTERPRISE. THEY AVOID THE TURBOLIFTS LIKE THE PLAGUE, TAKING THE GANGWAYS INSTEAD.

Data: Caution is recommended, sir. Anything could happen.

[A giant 16-ton weight falls from nowhere and crashes to the deck.]

Picard: Understood, Data.

[Pshhhhh. A nearby set of doors opens to reveal a moose standing erect on its hind legs, and a squirrel wearing a leather flight helmet.]

Moose: Rocky, I don’t think we’re in Frostbite Falls anymore.

Squirrel: Don’t be silly, Bullwinkle. This is the Starship Enterprise.

Moose: Are you sure? I used to watch that show all the time, and this doesn’t look anything like it.

Squirrel: Silly, this is the new Enterprise.

Moose: [Pointing to Picard] Who’s that guy?

Picard: I’m Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

Moose: You’ve *got* to be kidding.

Squirrel: He’s the new Captain, Bullwinkle…

Moose: You’d think they would have found a cure for baldness after 300 years.

Picard: Phasers on kill, Mr. Data.

Moose: Oooo! I always wanted to see what those looked like from this angle…

Squirrel: Oh, Bullwinkle…

Picard: Fire!

[PHWATT!! The moose and squirrel disintegrate.]

Picard: I wish I’d thought of that before. Let’s hurry before something else stupid happens.

[Before they can get twenty feet, another door opens to reveal a well-dressed man holding a briefcase.]

Man: Excuse me, Captain, but I’m afraid you’ll have to cease and desist this story immediately.

Picard: Ignore him, Data. [They try and move on, but the man obstructs their path]

Man: I’m sorry, sir, but I have an injunction. [Produces thick legal document] I’m afraid this show infringes on the look-and-feel of my client’s copyrighted works. You’ll have to cease immediately, pending a lengthy and obscenely expensive civil suit.

Picard: Infringement?! What are you talking about?

Man: Your companion, Mr. Data. He clearly infringes on my client’s copyrighted character, C3PO.

Data: [Aside to Picard] It’s a lawyer, sir. Very dangerous.

Picard: Understood. [To lawyer] Ahem. Writ ex-post-facto habeas corpus, ipso-facto, injunction hearing, irreparable harm disclaimer, and overturned on appeal.

Man: [Confused] Mr. Picard, you’re talking nonsense.

Picard: So are you. FIRE!

[PHWATT!! Data and Picard fire at... POINT BLANK RANGE! The lawyer slowly collapses, and his chest bursts open. Zillions of little white cockroaches fly out. A mother creature identical to the one in _Conspiracy_ rears up from the chest cavity and shrieks. Picard and Data phaser it to smithereens.]

Picard: I hope that’s the last of them.

Data: Quickly, sir. Time is of the essence.

PICARD AND DATA CLIMB A GANGWAY TO THE HOLODECK LEVEL. THEY EMERGE INTO THE HALLWAY.

Picard: What could happen now?

Data: Absolutely anything, sir.

[There is a loud BEEP BEEP from behind. Picard jumps straight up into the ceiling, banging his head. He turns to find a very large road runner standing there. It sticks its tongue out at him. Picard fires his phaser, but the bird takes off down the hall, outrunning it. The phaser beam instead blasts a very large black duck at the end of the hall, who is now burnt and smoking.]

Duck: [Wholly indignant and sarcastic] Shoot me again! I

love the smell of ionized air! And burnt feathers!

I’m an Elk! Go ahead and shoot me! I’m a Fiddler

Crab!! Why don’t you shoot me?!?? IT’S FIDDLER CRAB

SEASON!!!!!

[Picard obliges. PHWATT!! The duck ceases to exist.]

Data: Classical physics may no longer apply here, Captain.

Picard: Let’s hurry up.

[Picard and Data run down the hall. As they approach an intersection, they hear a horrible grinding noise
that grows louder. As they arrive, a large blue box appears out of nowhere, with a flashing white light on
top of it. The door to the box opens, and a female emerges.]

Female: [Screams bloody murder. A nearby transparent aluminum panel shatters.]

[A appallingly badly dressed man emerges from the box.]

Man: What is it, Mel?

Female: Oh, nothing Doctor. I just felt like screaming.

[Picard raises his phaser.]

Data: No, sir. They may be useful.

Picard: They’re loony tunes, Data.

[Stupid music starts.]

Picard: Stop that!! Stop it!!

[Music runs down.]

Man: Hello. I’m the Doctor, and this is my friend Mel.

Picard: I’m Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. This is Lieutenant Commander Data.

Doctor: An android?

Picard: No, he’s an eggplant.

Data: Thank you, sir.

Doctor: He sure beats the hell out of Kamelion…

Picard: Why do you think they’re useful, Data?

Data: The woman’s scream may be useful as a diversion.

Picard: Agreed.

Doctor: [Sarcastically] Thank you! I can be useful, too, you know.

Picard: Somehow, I doubt it. But come along anyway.

[The Doctor locks up the blue box and he and Mel follow along. They walk along the corridor, now very close to the Holodeck.]

Singing voice down the hall: Love, exciting and new, come aboard, we’re expecting you….

[Picard and Data fire in the direction of the voice out of reflex.]

Voice: Love, life’s sweetest re… [PHWATT!!] AAGGGHHH!!!

Voice from opposite end of hall: Gimme a light!

[Data spins around and blasts its owner.]

Voice: [Just before completely disintegrating] No, Bud Light… AAGGGHH!!

[Picard and Co. approach the last intersection before the holodeck. Worf and Geordi are there.]

Picard: Excellent Worf. You made it.

Worf: Not without difficulty, sir. We had to phaser our way through several dozen blue dwarves wearing white stockings on their heads. I found it quite satisfying.

Picard: Geordi, what’s your assessment?

Geordi: I’m scanning through the entire spectrum. Nothing makes any sense, though it does look really cool.

Picard: Can you discern any center of activity?

Geordi: No sir, not directly. The activity appears to be coming from within the holodeck itself.

Picard: Right everyone. Phasers set to industrial strength kill.

Worf: I only have a Dustbuster, sir.

Picard: Set it to “shag rug” and let’s go.

[Picard and Co. approach the open holodeck door. Light, gas, dust, and all manner of stuff is spewing
forth from the door, not unlike the scenes from _Poltergeist_. Wesley is at the door, fooling with some circuit panel.]

Picard: Wesley! What are you doing?

Wesley: I’m trying to get my Mom to come back!

Picard: You can’t do that! Gene fired her!

Wesley: I don’t care! I’ll bring her back at all costs!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

[Worf slugs Wesley in the gut, who doubles over and falls motionless to the floor.]

Picard: Good work, Worf. Geordi, what do you see?

Geordi: I’m sorry sir, but my batteries just went dead. I shoulda used Duracells…

Picard: Dura-what?

Geordi: Lasts millions of times longer than regular carbon batteries… [Geordi starts going bonkers.]

Data: He appears to have been completely engulfed by the force inside, sir.

[Picard adjusts his phaser to stun, and shoots Geordi. Geordi falls unconscious on the floor.]

Picard: That should keep him out of trouble, as well as keeping him out of our way. Deep breath, everyone. We’re going in.

[They plunge into the maelstrom.]

——–

[Fade to black. More banana slugs. Vidal Sasoon doesn't look good. Time magazine tries to entice you with a cheap phone. And of course it's absolutely vital that you call 976-1212; directory assistance for 976 services (all calls $2 plus toll).]

——–

[Picard and Co. plow through the insanity. All is chaos for a few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find themselves in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room. The walls are adorned with gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies, and mementos. Several posters adorn the walls, apparently advertising various forms of entertainment, including _Under The Cherry Moon_, _Hello, Marin, Hello_,
_Heaven's Gate_, and Lorimar Telepictures. Three men are seated at the head of the table.]

Man 1: Welcome, Captain Picard.

Data: [Aside to Picard] This is it, sir. This is the core of the disturbance.

Man 1: Quite right, Mister Data, quite right. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Aaron Spelling. This is my good friend, Glen A. Larson…

Glen: How do you do.

Aaron: And this is Steven J. Cannell.

Steve: Hello.

Aaron: Please, sit down.

Picard: No, thank you. What’s happened to my ship?

Aaron: Relax, Captain, relax. It’s the natural order of things. Some refreshments!

[Aaron claps his hands. A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray and sets it down upon the table.]

Aaron: Thank you, Vanna. [She turns around once, then exits.]

Picard: What do you mean, the natural order of things?

Aaron: Surely, you’re aware of the principle of entropy?

Picard: Of course.

Aaron: We are merely carrying that principle to its natural conclusion: The entropy of human intelligence.

Picard: But man isn’t naturally stupid…

Aaron: Oh, but he is, Captain. Simply observe for yourself how easily your ship and your crew succumbed to even the simplest of our techniques.

Picard: Fortunate happenstance. We weren’t expecting it…

Aaron: I’m afraid not, Captain. We’ve successfully subjected entire nations to these techniques, and they have capitulated quite readily. They’ve even welcomed it.

Picard: Welcomed it?!??!!! No doubt you didn’t give them a choice!

Aaron: Oh, but we did, Captain. They could have stopped at any time. All they had to do was turn us off. There were plenty of alternatives. Movies, live theatre — something which I understand you’re familiar with –, even PBS. But they *chose* to stay with us. We didn’t make that choice for them. Humans *want* to be stupid, Picard. Otherwise, we would not have been successful. Look at your own history. Drug abuse, religious wars of all kinds, American politics, the legal profession, rec.humor, talk.bizarre, IBM, Apple… The list goes on and on.

Picard: We’ve grown beyond that. To quote my first officer, we’re not savages anymore.

Aaron: Ah, yes. Your first officer, who is currently participating in various forms of debauchery without
protection, which by now your species should realize is the height of stupidity. No, Captain. Your species
is no better now than it was a thousand years ago.

Picard: He’s under your influence! He wouldn’t do such a thing of his own accord. How can you call yourselves superior when you treat those beneath you so harshly?

Aaron: It’s not like we’re heartless monsters, Captain. We do have morals, and it pains us to see your species so easily taken in.

Steve: I even chose to pull one of my own creations off, partly because it was too stupid even for your
species…

Picard: [Fishing] But mostly because…

Steve: [Eagerly completing sentence] It wasn’t profitable anymore…

Aaron: Shhhhh!!!!

[Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another. A lightbulb goes on above all three of them.]

Worf: FERENGI, SIR!!

[At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear-shatterer. All the tumblers on the tray
burst into pieces. Aaron, Glen, and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain to shut out the unexpected
sound. Worf, who is used to such sounds, drops, rolls, and comes up with his phaser firing. He hits Steve,
who falls to the ground. His disguise dissolves, revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.

[Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dump truck nearby turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five frames per second. Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches him in the head, and Worf is knocked unconscious.

[Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen,
who crumples to the floor. His disguise dissolves, too.

[Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body flops to the ground.]

Data’s head: Oh dear!

[Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted. Picard recovers from the ordeal. He looks
to the end of the table to see Aaron, or rather, the Ferengi officer. Picard raises his phaser and fires.

[POING! A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!"]

Ferengi: It is too late, Picard Captain. Your ship will transmit our stupidity waves across your entire
Federation. Your species will be turned into babbling nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly from your
species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at inflated prices.

[He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him.]

Ferengi: Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!

[The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls through a trap door that appears out of nowhere.
There is a long descending whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW".]

[Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen:]

Box: WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!

[The Doctor runs in abject terror.]

Box: Look at this studio! Filled with glamorous bonus prizes! Fabulous and exciting merchandise!!

[Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the screen.]

Box: Our first puzzle is a phrase. [Doo dee ding dong]

Data’s head: Sir!! Destroy the box!! Quickly!

Box: “One-fifty.” “S!” BZZT! “Nope, no S.”

Picard: With what?

Data’s head: Anything!!!!

Box: “Two hundred…”

Picard: There’s nothing here! What should I use?!?!??!

Data’s head: R! Guess R!

Box: “P!” BZZZT! “Nope, no P.”

Data’s head: You idiot!!

[Data is lost to the stupidity wave. Picard forces himself toward the device. The box has a slot with the
legend "Tape".]

Picard: [Summoning all his will power] COMPUTER!

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: Eject the tape!!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want to do that?

Picard: YES!!!!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you absolutely sure? It’s not finished with yet…

[Picard ignores the question. He manages to look at the conference table, and notices a stack of papers.
He grabs the stack, and removes the paper clip holding them together. He bends it straight, and shoves it
into a hole next to the tape slot. The tape promptly ejects. However, the screen does not go blank.]

Box: Yes, there are three F’s. [Ding. Ding. Ding.]

Picard: DATA! WHAT DO I DO!!???

Data’s head: Guess R! Guess R!

[In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen with all the strength he can muster. The
tape case and screen crack. The screen goes blank. For a moment, all is quiet. Then, the tape and screen
start arcing, slowly at first, but gaining in intensity. Picard steps back.]

Data’s head: [Recovering] Sir! You must get it off the ship at once, and get as far away as possible!

[Picard moves to put Data back together.]

Data’s head: No sir! There’s no time for that! You must get it off the ship now!!!

[By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to pick up. He wracks his brains....]

Picard: Computer! Exit!

Computer: Sure thing!

[The exit appears. Picard rushes outside to find the nearest transporter. The ship is still in chaos. Thousands of tubes of pump-format Crest For Kids obstruct his path. He stumbles over a Pet Rock. He rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in a white suit.]

Man: Welcome to Fantasy Starship! I am Mr. Rork, your host.

[Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him.]

Dwarf: Oooo, dat wasn’t verry nice!

[Picard phasers him, too. He continues to rush down the corridor. Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle painted black with flickering red lights on the front rounds the corner and speeds toward
Picard at 100 MPH. Picard attempts to phaser it, but the beam simply bounces off with some cheap
pyrotechnics.]

Car: Michael! There’s a man obstructing the corridor!

Driver: I see him. Turbos, buddie!

[PWAFFFF!! The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into the wall behind him. The car is demolished.]

Car: That was pretty damn stupid, Michael…

Driver: Well, it’s always worked before…

[Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation. He speeds down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges
several religious fanatics with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the transporter room.

[Picard scrabbles at the controls. He programs the computer to connect to the holodeck's interprocess
communication port, and extract the box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the transporter platform. In
moments, the box/tape appears, arcing wildly. Picard punches in random coordinates frantically, and energizes. The box/tape disappears.]

Picard: [Punching comm. panel] Ensign Tsu!!

Tsu: Yo!

Picard: Get us out of here!! Warp nine!!

Tsu: But I want to see if she wins the bonus round…

[Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway. He runs to a bridge-access turbolift, and suddenly remembers
that the only way on to the main bridge is by turbolift. Cursing again, he spins around and heads for engineering.

[He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing in the hallway. He rounds another corner, and collides with a heavy-set man with glasses, and a pocket protector. He is holding a thick tome of stapled pages.]

Man: Hi. We’re thinking of implementing the keyword ‘noalias’. What do you think? Not that what you think makes any difference…

Picard: [Picking himself up] Huh?

Man: We’re also going to make the string space read-only, and enforce parenthetical groupings in all cases. We feel this will go a long way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and Ada.

Picard: What about binary constants?

Man: Sorry, no way. No prior art…

[PHWATT!! Picard phasers him and the tome. He continues running. In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering, and nearly runs into it, since it fails to open. Picard waves his arms around, but nothing happens. ]

Picard: COMPUTER!

Computer: Hi there!

Picard: Open this door!

Computer: [BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want me to do that?

Picard: YES!!!!

Computer: Okay, you asked for it!

[Pshhhhhhhh! Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water. Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each
other.]

Man 1: You idiots! [THUMP! BONK!]

Man 2&3: Oooff!

[Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console.]

Picard: Engineer!

Engineer: Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.

Picard: Start the main engines!

Engineer: But we haven’t unclogged the toilets yet…

Picard: I DON’T GIVE A SH*T!!!!

Engineer: No, but the toilets will if we start the engines.

[Into comm. panel] How are you two making out down there?

Female voice 1: Laverne! Get your head out of the matter-antimatter reactor!

Female voice 2: I can’t, Shirley! My hairpins are caught! Hand me the magnetic scissors…

Female voice 1: You mean this?

Female voice 2: No! Not that! [BLAM! static...]

Picard: [Losing it] START THE ENGINES!! **NOW!!!**

Engineer: [Capitulating] Aye aye, sir.

[Airhead presses the engine start button. Immediately, all the toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth
odiferous guck. A disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight.]

Picard: Course is set! WARP NINE, NOW!!!

Engineer: But sir!…

Picard: ***>>NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!<<***

[Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button.]

CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:

[RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB... **SPLOWFFFF!!!!** Water spurts out of every conceivable engine orifice.

[fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!!]

Picard: Computer! Rear viewer!

Computer: Righto!

[The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view of the rear of the ship. Stars streak off
into the void at warp nine. Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most expensive explosion
ILM ever made goes off. The entire ship is flooded with an intense white hazy light. The ship rocks violently. People are bouncing off the walls. Sparks fly everywhere.]

CUT TO YAR’S BEDROOM.

Troi: Oh, Umzadi! In-CREDIBLE!

Riker: [Smirking] Uh, thanks.

CUT TO EXTERNAL SHOT OF EXPLOSION EFFECTS. ILM STRUTS THEIR STUFF LIKE NEVER BEFORE. NOT A SINGLE MATTE LINE ANYWHERE! AS THE EXPLOSION SUBSIDES, THE RESULTING CLOUD FORMS ITSELF INTO THE VAGUE SHAPE OF A CLOWN’S HEAD. AND DESPITE THE TOTAL VACUUM OF SPACE, WE CAN BARELY MAKE OUT A VOICE, WHICH SEEMS TO UTTER, “I have complete faith in Ed Meese.” SOON, ALL IS DARK AND SILENT. CUT BACK TO ENGINEERING. PICARD IS LEANING AGAINST THE CONTROL PANEL. HE AWAKENS, AND LOOKS ABOUT.

Picard: [Shouting at ceiling] Bridge! Ensign Tsu!

Ceiling: Aye, sir.

Picard: Damage report.

Ceiling: [Pause] No damage, sir.

Picard: No damage?? That’s impossible!!

Ceiling: With all due respect sir, so was everything else that happened in this kooky story.

Picard: [Reflecting] Hmmm. Quite right, Ensign. I’m on my way up.

CUT TO BRIDGE. THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED. DATA IS IN ONE PIECE AGAIN.

Picard: So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the chaos on the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.

Data: Correct, sir. Since there was no logical foundation for the chaos to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi device was destroyed.

Picard: Hmmmm… Do you suppose that they may try again?

Data: Unknown.

Riker: I certainly hope not. What do you think, Deanna?

[Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker.]

Worf: I think the Ferengi will not try again. They do not have the necessary bravery.

Picard: Yes, Worf. You were unaffected. Aren’t Klingons susceptible to stupidity?

Worf: [Shakes head] Klingons are immune to all forms of human weakness.

Geordi: Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.

Picard: We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf. It would seem that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to do. Data, lay a course for Starbase One. We’re in serious need of some R&R.

Data: Course plotted and laid in, sir.

Picard: Engage.

[Freedlezrowp!]

Riker: What about the Robinson family?

Picard: What about them?

Riker: Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?

Data: I’d like to keep the Robot, if I may. It could prove most intriguing.

Picard: Absolutely not! I’m having them transferred to the USS Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight months. It’ll give them time to get a clue.

Geordi: What about The Doctor and Mel?

Data: Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device. The Doctor regenerated into a different actor with much better fashion sense, entered his blue box, and disappeared.

Picard: Good. I didn’t have much use for them.

[FOOMP! A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head. Picard eyes him with some regard.]

Riker: It was Data’s idea sir. He’s still exploring the nature of human humor.

Picard: Excellent, Data! You’re beginning to get the idea.

Wesley: I’m going to sell you for scrap, Data.

Picard: Shut up, Wesley.

[Riker smirks.]

Picard: And don’t smirk, Number One.

Riker: Sir.

Picard: And *stop* hunching your head between your shoulders!

——–

T H E  E N D